To think DH needs to live away for a week or so? Pushed DD pretty hard.

[Namechanged55]

I have changed my username. You have helped me with so much lately, so thought I'd ask for more advice.

We have 2 DDs, one is 12 and one is 14. To be honest, someone may remember one of my threads, but that's okay as I changed my username for that too.

DD2 was adopted when she was younger, 4 years old to be exact. Things have been going well, relatively, we have been having some inappropriate behaviour towards DH though which we have been seeking help for, since my other thread (thank you!) and we are taking those steps. However, DH literally lost it last night. Called her 'messed up' and pushed her off him (not at all supposed to be the way he deals with it obviously) but then cried about how he was really wrong to me and just wants to help DD2 but he's finding it difficult and I do not blame him, all the inappropriate behaviour (sexually, not going into details, because of the weirdos) is aimed at him, he has been able to deal with it relatively well so far and for the last couple of days has been following some advice we have gotten (still need lots more meetings though).

Anyway, enough of that really.

I have then been explaining to DH that he needs to spend a little bit of time away (we haven't been advised against this btw) but he will need to still come out on family days out etc so it still works as a family and we work together, but I mean when we are at home, he should just stay with a family member. DD2 is rightly so absolutely gutted, she's really upset and it hasn't helped her at all (I know we all make mistakes but it's a bit frustrating that DH did that as it has completely sent now more mixed messages to DD2).

By a hard push, I don't mean slammed into a wall, gosh no. He hasn't got a bad temper, it's just he pushed her off like he would if she was an adult, which was completely not proportionate, as she's a small 12 year old.

Oh, I don't know. He is now having the hump with me. I just don't know if I'm being unreasonable to say he needs to stay away for a few days, while I build up DD's self esteem again. Like I say, he'll still come out for days out.

It's really too complex a situation for us to judge. Do you have some professional advice from people who have supported your adoption?

RE sending your husband away. I don't know why you would do that. It seems very confusing and distressing to your DH to feel he's not welcome in the home for a week, no? I wonder if it's making a big point about the wrong thing?

Because DD does not respond well to rejection and I don't think her self esteem is going to build back up again while she'll keep being rejected.

What advice have you had about the sexual behaviour directed at your DH (I remember your thread) - can you also ask advice from them on this? Sounds like such a difficult situation for all of you :(

But he has to reject her sexual advances!

Does your dd see a therapist? Maybe she's never really learnt how to appropriately demonstrate emotion. Do you know much about her past? What a horrible position to be in. Have you tried a social story? My dd has asd and we use stories for her to show her how to behaviour. She has one for biting. Can she explain why she does it?

Your DH can't win here. He's done the right thing by making it clear that her behaviour isn't appropriate or welcome. She may be slightly built but she's 12, not 2, and physically pushing her off him was clearly his only way of making her understand it just wasn't on.

I don't see why he should be punished for this and have to leave the family home.

I have in the past had to deal with this in our family. Sending your DH away will send all the wrong messages to your daughter. Firstly, she will feel responsible, secondly, it gives her a lot of power, and when she is angry, she will use it, even though it will lead to an outcome she doesn't want. It sounds to me as though your DH has coped really well and just lost it once - that's not bad under the circs. You need to be the one being more active here, I think as far as removing her from inappropriate behaviour goes, you need to present a united front to her - there's nothing wrong with her understanding clearly she shouldn't behave like this, and you're a family, you all love her, but you and your DH deal with her - not him being excluded. And keep on getting professional help/advice. is she getting counselling/support? Cahms is useless, but there are other organisations. A good social worker can be invaluable.

She's been with you 8 years? Have you been living with this inappropriate behaviour that long?

This is an incredibly difficult situation for all to manage. I can only come at it from similar behaviors from a foster child. It was so difficult, the constant reminders of boundaries and having to physically distance oneself etc. I can understand how that becomes too much for a father. I don't know if removing him from the family situation is a good idea, unless he himself needs some space, but I would certainly be seeking more professional support and perhaps counselling? I'd also be very cautious about her behaviour with other adults - she sounds very vulnerable and worryingly there are those that would prey on that. Really do feel for you, what a difficult situation. xx

Of course he has to! But while she has just been shoved and called messed up, it isn't going to help, is it? I need to spend some time with her so her self esteem builds back up so she will not completely feel like shit when she is rejected.

Why are you punishing your DH?

I cannot imagine the stress he is under and yes I saw your previous thread.

I am in no way a professional, but I do feel you need to present as a united family unit instead of a divided one.

But in this situation, the reje tion was entirely appropriate.

If your husband leaves, she'll see him as being 'punished' for rejecting her, and she'll probably just become more underhand in her behaviour.

She doesn't need her self esteem building up, as much as to see appropriate boundaries put in place, and maintained.

She really, really, needs to learn how highly messed up her behaviour is, and why. And why good people will react to it the way her father did.

Namechanged555 I absolutely get what a complex situation this is for you. Do you have additional help with dd2? Sounds like she is feeling really confused about feelings, relationships and appropriate behaviours.

I read your previous thread too and it's your DH i feel more sorry for. He was right to push her away. Your daughter really needs serious professional help. Her behavior is completely inappropriate and it seems as though she knows exactly what she's doing.
Why should your DH leave?

Sending your DH away is going to send completely the wrong message to your DD.

The absolute harsh reality here is that your DD is the one in the wrong, and while it is obviously more complicated than that, she has to learn that her behaviour is inappropriate and unacceptable. Your DH has done nothing wrong here, he is in an impossible position, do nothing and he becomes a perpetrator, push her away and you want to send him away.

You need help urgently from professionals who are qualified to deal with this kind of behaviour. Nobody on MN is qualified to help here.

Christ don't send him away. That's nuts.

I have a lot of sympathy with him. Don't you?

Are you somehow subconsciously blaming your DH for her behaviour do you think?

I think your DD SHOULD feel rejected when she's admonished for inappropriate behaviour. How else will she learn that what she's doing is wrong?

Sending DH away is just dealing with the symptom and not the cause and is essentially absolving DD of any blame.

I don't understand enough about this but your DH had no choice BUT to reject this behaviour. Awful situation for you all.

I'm sorry but yes, she does need her self-esteemed built up, please don't suggest she doesn't.

No, DH wasn't right to push her, absolutely not. I wasn't asking for advice on if that was allowed. She has had a bad past, that has now started to show during the start of puberty. We have been told that DH shouldn't respond with any nasty comments (which he did) and no violence (which he did).

Thanks for the comments.