To think DH needs to live away for a week or so? Pushed DD pretty hard.

[Namechanged55]

I have changed my username. You have helped me with so much lately, so thought I'd ask for more advice.

We have 2 DDs, one is 12 and one is 14. To be honest, someone may remember one of my threads, but that's okay as I changed my username for that too.

DD2 was adopted when she was younger, 4 years old to be exact. Things have been going well, relatively, we have been having some inappropriate behaviour towards DH though which we have been seeking help for, since my other thread (thank you!) and we are taking those steps. However, DH literally lost it last night. Called her 'messed up' and pushed her off him (not at all supposed to be the way he deals with it obviously) but then cried about how he was really wrong to me and just wants to help DD2 but he's finding it difficult and I do not blame him, all the inappropriate behaviour (sexually, not going into details, because of the weirdos) is aimed at him, he has been able to deal with it relatively well so far and for the last couple of days has been following some advice we have gotten (still need lots more meetings though).

Anyway, enough of that really.

I have then been explaining to DH that he needs to spend a little bit of time away (we haven't been advised against this btw) but he will need to still come out on family days out etc so it still works as a family and we work together, but I mean when we are at home, he should just stay with a family member. DD2 is rightly so absolutely gutted, she's really upset and it hasn't helped her at all (I know we all make mistakes but it's a bit frustrating that DH did that as it has completely sent now more mixed messages to DD2).

By a hard push, I don't mean slammed into a wall, gosh no. He hasn't got a bad temper, it's just he pushed her off like he would if she was an adult, which was completely not proportionate, as she's a small 12 year old.

Oh, I don't know. He is now having the hump with me. I just don't know if I'm being unreasonable to say he needs to stay away for a few days, while I build up DD's self esteem again. Like I say, he'll still come out for days out.

I feel so sorry for the DH is this. It is such a shocking situation when as a parent, or a adult person in loco parentis, and a child makes sexual advances to you.

If, despite a lot of input from the parents and professionals, this child can not understand that sexually approaching a parents is just not acceptable at all, the adult may have to ensure that there is no further opportunity for a sexual approach.
In these situations the adult is often overlooked and disregarded and can even be blamed. It is not fair and not right the adult has a right to be safe too. In the case I know of the adult was so utterly overlooked and even threatened so that they would never tell what happened. The adult is confused, they did nothing wrong, they were subjected to an uninvited sexual approach and none of the other adults involved once the situation was known ever showed sympathy or support for the adult.
While it is very sad that children are sexually abused, that abuse can not be allowed to continued and to make further victims of abuse.

It is very shocking to be an adult in this kind of situation.
Don't send the DH away, he could be damaged even further

You don't have to say name, from reading your posts it's clear to everyone that you are tired, scared, and don't want to get it wrong for you.

It's such a big responsibility.
There's got to be a way forward though, one that's best for you all, and I hope you find it. Be strong

Your dd2 is so fortunate to have a fantastic mum who is thinking so hard about her and how to help her navigate the world after such a truly awful start. Poor, poor girl. I'm full of admiration for you both for giving her a new life .

I think you got a ridiculously hard time from posters at the start of this thread who frankly showed a complete ignorance of the profound legacy of child abuse and a total lack of empathy towards your daughter.

I agree your DH needs coping mechanisms that don't include further damaging her obviously fragile self esteem and can totally understand that your knee jerk reaction might have been to remove him from the situation, but (layman's view) I'd say your dd needs to know how much he loves her without the sexualised behaviours so it might be very important to include him in any love bombing, trips away etc. That's just my perspective, and I'm no professional, but if her sense of her own value in relation to men is so heavily ingrained in a sexual context, what she needs is unconditional love from him (despite her behaviour) to prove to her that it's not what defines her as a human being. So there's a big responsibility on his shoulders. In one sense, she might realise he's nervous around her which might actually be one of the factors that contributes to her offering herself sexually. It's so sad, poor kid.

I really hope you can help her recognise her self worth and your DH can show her he loves her in spite of all these complications.

Oh Namechange, You have nothing to apologise for and enormous strength and a spot of masochism to come back here despite the flack.

But Upthetree and others who think that this is different from SEN are wrong in a sense. Abuse in early childhood can permanently alter the way the brain forms and develops. The damage may not necessarily ever be able to 'heal' and the person may never become a 'healthy adult' (as you put it Upthetree) becuase the brain structure can be altered by the abuse in the very early years but after that the structure remains pretty much 'set'.

I'm not saying this is the case for your dd Name. How the hell would I know? But it must be so frustrating when people keep saying but surely she's old enough to understand/ why don't you explain/ have you tried being firm etc, when it's obviously so so much more complex than that.

The good thing is that we can all keep learning, regardless of how our brains got made and your dd will be able to learn how to behave around her dad with your consistency and positivity. The really good news is you're getting good help and what sounds like good advice. You're all human and dealing with enormous issues that nobody should have to know how to deal with. It sounds like between you all you'll get this sorted.

She has to learn to deal with rejection I is a real part of life and also the behaviour is inappropriate so she needs to be told that. You really shouldn't be facilitating this by not reacting with real emotions, as if she does this out if the home somebody else's reaction could really shock her if the reality of what she's doing and how wrong it is, is with held from her. And if anything dh should be speaking with her and helping her to build back her self esteem not you as he is the one who rejected her. He needs to explain the nature of their relationship as father and daughter and the difference and take her out somewhere to bond as father and daughter in the family unit.

We all have to live within the laws of the land. I am pretty sure that the DD is attempting to instigate an illegal relationship. The DH is getting the worst end of it all.

The original abuse should have been prevented but failing that there should be a better way through it than this. Clearly what you have tried so far is not working and another method needs to be employed.

The wanker in your username is fitting. I'm not even bothering with a comment to you.

The, we have just started a new idea, following from very recent advice, so I don't need to change anything for at least a couple of weeks, as we haven't given the new concept long enough, but don't you understand that her thinking may never change?

Also can people please RTFT? Not trying to be arsey but it's annoying that I have already said that she wouldn't attempt it with strangers, etc.

Does your DD answer you when you tell her her behaviour is unacceptable and inappropriate? If so, what is her reply? Does she argue that it IS acceptable and appropriate? How does she react when you tell her to stop doing what she's doing? Arguments? Tears? Agreement? What?

You've got an odd definition of 'kindly' wanker. I've reread your post several times, and not a hint of gentleness, helpfulness, good nature or consideration of the OP's feelings do I find there. How many children have you adopted by the way, and what level of saintly non-human reactions do you have to have in order to qualify as 'good' at adoptive parenting? God-like levels or just the angel Gabriel?

OP You are obviously doing your absolute best here and putting lots of thought into what to do. I wonder whether it would be feasible to put a lock on your bedroom door or something similar to try and limit situations where she is alone with DH? More about protecting him than anything else. Would it be possible to ask your LA for an assessment of DD's needs, with a view to accessing more specialised therapy, maybe using adoption support fund money?

wanker your message was beyond belief. You should be ashamed.

OP, I hope you get the support you need. I agree with PPs who've recommended asking the LA. And presumably it's a safeguarding issue for them, not just a post-adoption support issue.

Fuck off wanker!

Shouldn't have gone with a troubled child, he cos the op just rocked up at the shop and picked one!

Op

I think what some people are trying to say is that at the moment your probably right she won't do this with strangers because her connection is to her father but as she gets older there is a big possibility that she may end up showing similar behaviour (not the extreme elements maybe) towards men or boys but they might take it as a "go ahead" and she could potentially end up in some very serious situations.

Again il say Iv been there
I thought I was being nice but some (unscrupulous) mean took it as a come on or they showed interest and my response was I must be expected to perform sexually and because
I didn't understand that interest and nice didn't equal sex
I didn't have the skills to protect myself
because due to the abuse I couldn't say no
there were times when I did things with people I didn't really want to because on my side the behaviour was not meant to be sexual or because I didn't know I could say no! Or unconsciously thought I'd better go along with this incase they do it anyway.

Anyway that is a long post but my point is all the stuff I'm mentioning started years and years before just like your dd.

Name, I can't imagine how tough this is for you and for everyone in your family.

Can I also suggest you post in adoption instead of here. There are some wise and wonderful posters there who will have much better ideas on how you can source the help your family needs than those of us who post elsewhere and have no real knowledge of what would be best

Sending you and your loved ones strength and best wishes

Na

This is a shitty shitty thing that your family's going through and you are all victims to varying degrees of a terrible father figure in your DD's past.

I can totally understand your knee jerk reaction in separating your DH from your DD (as much as for his sake as hers) but it probably would only complicate an already complex situation. If your DD is ever going to have healthy relationships with men (I don't buy that she understands the bf/ gf dynamic either, what 12 year old does) then she will need a strong male role model and that should be her father. What you DH did was unacceptable but understandable, your DH is on the receiving end of sexual attention from a child, his child. I can not imagine how confusing and devastating that must feel like and for everyone's sake he needs support too and not just with supporting your DD.

Logistically it might be difficult but can you both agree that until this situation is resolved that they aren't left alone together.

Keep accessing support for you and your family and hopefully whatever past issues that puberty has triggered, will be resolved to everybody's satisfaction.

Hang in there OP, you are doing everything you can and nobody (including yourself) can ask more of you.

To the person saying about me calling her a little girl. Come on. My mum still calls me her little girl! (I'm the youngest) and she will forever be my youngest.

OP you seem to be reacting to and defending any suggestion that the way in which you and your DH are parenting does not suit your DD right now.

Comparing your own experience as a child, and your relationship with your own mother, to that of your DD and her relationship with you, is unfair on her. You cannot possibly provide your DD with what she needs in order to overcome the impact of her early years by parenting her in the same way as you were parented. While the implication that you are your mums little girl is harmless to you, that may not be the case for your own DD. That is just one example. It may benefit your DD for you to open your mind and reflect and objectively examine how you approach parenting, rather than immediately defend the way in which you have chosen to raise your DDs.

You say upthread that you feel that you cannot keep everyone happy. You can't. That is unrealistic. The needs of one member of your family (your DD) conflict with the needs of another (your DH). There is no way that you can fully meet both their needs. You are seeking the "least worst" compromise for your family, but it is unlikely that anyone, including yourself or your other DD, will be completely "happy" with the outcome.

Namechanged, I've got huge admiration for you and your husband, and both your girls too. There should be far more support for a family like yours, dealing with such tough issues.

I think a lock on the door to a safe space your DH can retreat to is a good one. He's still doing the same thing, leaving the situation but it's also somewhere he can truly relax without worrying that because he is alone that this will happen. So good for both of them.

You and your DH obviously love your family very much and you're a great mum.

You mentioned DD1 not getting enough 1:1 attention. Is she actually displaying any signs this may be true or are you projecting your own 'mum guilt?' (We all have it!)

I think he behaved apppropriately, giving her a little push away. He shouldnt have called her 'messed up' though. Although she patently is.
I feel sorry for your husband and do not think he should have to 'go away'.

I think he behaved apppropriately, giving her a little push away. He shouldnt have called her 'messed up' though. Although she patently is.
I feel sorry for your husband and do not think he should have to 'go away'.

Thank you

TheReal RTFT. Anyway, I love how you favour my husband (I don't blame you, why would you ever feel sorry for the 'messed up' one, eh?) so you call it a little push. Like I say throughout the thread, I see why he did it, but I heard the thump, no where have I said little.

Timefor you're just misunderstanding.