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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

To think DH needs to live away for a week or so? Pushed DD pretty hard.

272 replies

Namechanged55 · 05/08/2016 15:57

I have changed my username. You have helped me with so much lately, so thought I'd ask for more advice.

We have 2 DDs, one is 12 and one is 14. To be honest, someone may remember one of my threads, but that's okay as I changed my username for that too.

DD2 was adopted when she was younger, 4 years old to be exact. Things have been going well, relatively, we have been having some inappropriate behaviour towards DH though which we have been seeking help for, since my other thread (thank you!) and we are taking those steps. However, DH literally lost it last night. Called her 'messed up' and pushed her off him (not at all supposed to be the way he deals with it obviously) but then cried about how he was really wrong to me and just wants to help DD2 but he's finding it difficult and I do not blame him, all the inappropriate behaviour (sexually, not going into details, because of the weirdos) is aimed at him, he has been able to deal with it relatively well so far and for the last couple of days has been following some advice we have gotten (still need lots more meetings though).

Anyway, enough of that really.

I have then been explaining to DH that he needs to spend a little bit of time away (we haven't been advised against this btw) but he will need to still come out on family days out etc so it still works as a family and we work together, but I mean when we are at home, he should just stay with a family member. DD2 is rightly so absolutely gutted, she's really upset and it hasn't helped her at all (I know we all make mistakes but it's a bit frustrating that DH did that as it has completely sent now more mixed messages to DD2).

By a hard push, I don't mean slammed into a wall, gosh no. He hasn't got a bad temper, it's just he pushed her off like he would if she was an adult, which was completely not proportionate, as she's a small 12 year old.

Oh, I don't know. He is now having the hump with me. I just don't know if I'm being unreasonable to say he needs to stay away for a few days, while I build up DD's self esteem again. Like I say, he'll still come out for days out.

OP posts:
SestraClone · 05/08/2016 16:19

I am hoping that maybe someone on MN will have a link to a helpline or something that may be able to offer sound advice, if such a thing exists.

AnchorDownDeepBreath · 05/08/2016 16:19

You need professional help.

I have an adopted sibling that went through something similar and you need to get professional intervention. This is nuanced and handling it badly will cause a lot of harm.

She does need her self esteem protected, but she equally needs boundaries set. She needs to understand what is not appropriate and she needs to learn to deal with rejection, although the last one is not vital right now. She cannot see your husband as leaving, as that will be triggering, or as being punished, because that will awaken her need to comfort him and make her more underhand with how she treats him. She will start to hide things from you.

What professional help have you got? Is she involved with CAMHS at the moment? Do they know? Does her GP?

wowfudge · 05/08/2016 16:20

Your DH being away from the family unit will not help anyone and puts the blame on him. As far as his response goes, he should have said her behaviour was inappropriate, not 'messed up', but that's all.

blondieblondie · 05/08/2016 16:20

He made a mistake while under pressure. I think you need to stay united on this and he needs to be able to show that he still loves her despite what's happening. If she needs
Her self esteem rebuilt, that's the job of both parents. I really don't think being sent away is the answer and I doubt any professional would advise that it is.

NeedAScarfForMyGiraffe · 05/08/2016 16:20

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AnchorDownDeepBreath · 05/08/2016 16:20

Who was the advice on how to respond from? Did they give you an adequate way of dealing with this, or just not to be physical or use harsh words?

I'm worried for you all. I've seen what happens when this isn't handled properly.

Peridotisinvalid · 05/08/2016 16:20

"Why are you punishing your DH? I cannot imagine the stress he is under and yes I saw your previous thread."

Precisely! Your DH does not deserve to be oushed out of his own home! He has done nothing wrong and this situation is understandably extremely stressful for him. You should be supporting him, not asking him to leave! You need to be a hell of a lot firmer with your DD.

SestraClone · 05/08/2016 16:20

I personally wouldn't class a firm push of a child behaving in a sexual manner as "violent" but rather showing firm boundaries. As long as she wasn't hurt.

Peridotisinvalid · 05/08/2016 16:21

^^pushed not 'oushed'

Pearlman · 05/08/2016 16:22

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Namechanged55 · 05/08/2016 16:23

Okay, I'm going to get this moved. I didn't realise how many people don't understand how abuse affects children and that certain discipline you cannot do as it isn't their fault.

OP posts:
Peridotisinvalid · 05/08/2016 16:23

Pushing her off him is not "violence" What the hell did you expect him to do?

Original poster
Namechanged55 · 05/08/2016 16:23

Leave the room like he is supposed to

OP posts:
OnionKnight · 05/08/2016 16:24

OP your family needs urgent professional help, this has the potential to go sideways rather quickly, particularly as you don't seem to support your DH.

SestraClone · 05/08/2016 16:24

Removing her advances isn't punishment though, it is setting boundaries, which is very important.

Peridotisinvalid · 05/08/2016 16:24

How can he leave the room without getting her off him first?

Original poster
Namechanged55 · 05/08/2016 16:24

Of course I support my DH!! It's just people do need to understand the difficulties that she is going through and calling her messed up is out of order

OP posts:
PumpkinPie2013 · 05/08/2016 16:25

This sounds like an incredibly difficult situation for everyone Sad Your husband's actions were obviously not ideal, however, the fact that he broke down afterwards suggests to me that he is (quite understandably) at the end of his tether Sad

I don't think it's a good idea to tell him he has to stay elsewhere - I would think he would feel rejected and your daughter will possibly feel responsible. I also think your other daughter might be upset at dad going away and may end up taking it out on her sister?

Can you and your husband work together on spending time with your daughter to build her self esteem back up? Or could you take her out if you would like to spend time alone with her?

Are you/can you get professional help for your daughter to deal with the inappropriate behaviour?

I hope you find a way through it that works for you all.

Amelie10 · 05/08/2016 16:25

So if he left the room and she followed him and kept going onto him then what? He reacted and I think rightly so. What does she think she's doing by this inappropriate behaviour? Do you tell her not to?

Original poster
Namechanged55 · 05/08/2016 16:26

He doesn't need to push her so hard like that... It was hard, a thump on the ground. No it wasn't into a wall or sharp object but there was no need. I don't blame him I said that in my post, but she is now very very traumatised by this due to her way of thinking

OP posts:
Pearlman · 05/08/2016 16:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Peridotisinvalid · 05/08/2016 16:26

OP if the situation was reversed and it was a 12 year old boy making these advances to you, would you be happy if your DH told you to leave your home?

SestraClone · 05/08/2016 16:27

How is your eldest DD coping?

Msqueen33 · 05/08/2016 16:27

I think sometimes even for adults it gets too much. I'm the main carer for my two kids with Sen and on some occasions I've exploded. It's not there fault and yes I shouldn't but everyone has limits. I don't think your dh should leave. But you should make allowances as he's probably under a lot of stress if it's happening a lot of the time.

DingBatDay · 05/08/2016 16:28

^I'm sorry but yes, she does need her self-esteemed built up, please don't suggest she doesn't.

No, DH wasn't right to push her, absolutely not. I wasn't asking for advice on if that was allowed. She has had a bad past, that has now started to show during the start of puberty. We have been told that DH shouldn't respond with any nasty comments (which he did) and no violence (which he did).

Thanks for the comments.^

I think some people are being a bit harsh on you OP. My reading of this is you are in a very difficult and stressful situation and trying to support and protect your whole family. Your DH reacted in the wrong way as you had an agreed strategy which he would follow - but essentially the stress/ difficulty of the situation meant he didn't follow this. I agree with you, she needs her self esteem built up but in an appropriate context. I do think if your DH needs space to recoup so he can deal with these advances appropriately as agreed with the help you have sought then it is a good thing if he goes away. However I think 'sending him away would be an entirely different thing and could be more diversive than anything. Good luck - not easy at all

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