To think DH needs to live away for a week or so? Pushed DD pretty hard.

[Namechanged55]

I have changed my username. You have helped me with so much lately, so thought I'd ask for more advice.

We have 2 DDs, one is 12 and one is 14. To be honest, someone may remember one of my threads, but that's okay as I changed my username for that too.

DD2 was adopted when she was younger, 4 years old to be exact. Things have been going well, relatively, we have been having some inappropriate behaviour towards DH though which we have been seeking help for, since my other thread (thank you!) and we are taking those steps. However, DH literally lost it last night. Called her 'messed up' and pushed her off him (not at all supposed to be the way he deals with it obviously) but then cried about how he was really wrong to me and just wants to help DD2 but he's finding it difficult and I do not blame him, all the inappropriate behaviour (sexually, not going into details, because of the weirdos) is aimed at him, he has been able to deal with it relatively well so far and for the last couple of days has been following some advice we have gotten (still need lots more meetings though).

Anyway, enough of that really.

I have then been explaining to DH that he needs to spend a little bit of time away (we haven't been advised against this btw) but he will need to still come out on family days out etc so it still works as a family and we work together, but I mean when we are at home, he should just stay with a family member. DD2 is rightly so absolutely gutted, she's really upset and it hasn't helped her at all (I know we all make mistakes but it's a bit frustrating that DH did that as it has completely sent now more mixed messages to DD2).

By a hard push, I don't mean slammed into a wall, gosh no. He hasn't got a bad temper, it's just he pushed her off like he would if she was an adult, which was completely not proportionate, as she's a small 12 year old.

Oh, I don't know. He is now having the hump with me. I just don't know if I'm being unreasonable to say he needs to stay away for a few days, while I build up DD's self esteem again. Like I say, he'll still come out for days out.

In all fairness that is exactly what you have posted about.

I've dealt with sexually abused children in a non professional capacity and certainly my experience is very limited (Just want to throw that out there)
Could he try to be firmer WITHOUT violence?
Eg rather than saying 'don't do that' and walking out. telling her outright to get off him/away from him? However if she persists same as anyone your DH should be able to use REASONABLE (hey, reasonable) force to remove her and himself from the situation. you cannot allow him to be caged in. no matter her age. no matter her situation. you simply cannot allow your DH to be subject to this. If asking doesn't work yes you need to find another way, be that a (gentle) push or eg holding her hand and pulling her out of the room (ie to you) and explaining the situation. then let DH cool off elsewhere.
this must be extremely difficult for all concerned. have you thought of attempting counselling? not just for dd but for DH too.

Eh, no I haven't? I clearly said in the title

How can it not be "about this"?

We both knew what we were getting ourselves into when adopting a child who had been a subject to abuse.

I appreciate that, but so far, the advice you've had is wrong. He cannot be expected to keep leaving the room. For a start, at 12, she is too old for that tactic. It will still be seen as a rejection. Secondly, it is only appropriate on the first or second incident. It should only be offered as advice before anything happens, as an immediate way to deal with it, whilst you seek better advice.

I feel for her, hugely, but for her sake, this has to be done right. Doing the wrong thing, even a few times, causes more and more damage. I know you want to do the right thing, but I'm worried for you all that you are being fobbed off. For you, because you have to hold everything together. For your DH, because this must be incredibly frustrating and uncomfortable, and he has no real way to deal with it. For your DD, because she should never have been subject to abuse, and because her future relationships depend on this being dealt with. It doesn't sound like you've had anything like adequate guidance on what to do.

Your DD waits until she has your DH alone and then is inappropriate towards him, this has some level of calculation to it. What strategies do have in place for when it happens?

I feel really sorry for your DH my advice would be whatever you do don't push the poor man out of his home over this. He's under tremendous pressure dealing with an extraordinary awful situation. I don't know many men who could cope and live with that. He needs as much support as your daughter.

OP, how recent has professional intervention been?

You seem to be employing strategies normally used with much younger children.

Your 12 year old has an intellectual capacity to rationalise which must be harnessed.

And you cannot really believe that you are the only person to have first hand experience of a situation such as this?

So now the social worker is incorrect, yes? I took the advice on board from the other thread and acted on that advice. I'm taking advice from an actual professional now. Bloody hell.

I suspect the OP didnt want to give the actual details of whats happening because without those, this becomes "our daughter is a bit naughty and my dh pushed her", resulting in all the "yes he should leave!" responses that she actually wanted.

I'm no expert and you should speak to experts about this.
But sending him away doesn't seem to me like the best thing for your daughter. Surely if he said something that upset her, the best person to fix that is him. I assume he's apologised to her for his outburst? I don't know how you speak to her about her inappropriate behaviour but I'd hope that within that framework there would be a way for him to explain that it's not her that he thinks is messed up but her behaviour at that particular moment. Then move on and get on with behaving like a normal loving family.

DH's push was because of her behavior. I'm sorry to say that will be discussed. if it was a more common situation (ie child was rude/said something bad/misbehaved) and your DH reacted by pushing it would be extremely different.

You have asked if you think your DH should do something that in essence will reinforce her behaviour or understanding of her behaviour.

And you didn't think anybody would pick up on that?

Of course it is op but so is removing him from the family home as it compounds your dd's behaviour. She can have very clear boundaries shown while still making sure she know (logically if not emotionally) that she is not being rejected.

He should apologise but explain very clearly that his (over the top) response was a direct result of her (over the top) behaviour.

You both need expert help. In the mean time she is old enough for you all to sit down together and for you both together explain that she can not behave in this way towards him.
That you understand that she is not trying to be naughty (while not using language that sexualises her behaviour) and that she is trying to tell dad that she loves him but that there are better ways of showing that (give examples)

I'm not adopted but have had severe sexual childhood trauma so I do know about the very weird ways in which that comes out later. It took a long time to learn "appropriate" and even longer to see that certain things I thought were normal were actually very inappropriate as a child (because my learning had been so severely twisted)

Have the experts talked about safe words for you all? It may get he extreme but if used right it can be a safety net for you all (especially dh)

I did see your last thread op for you all!

I'm worried that you're referring to your DH spurning his daughters sexual advances as "rejection". That's pretty gross. It's not that, it's enforcing boundaries. Rejection makes it seem like a negative thing which is absolutely isn't! Stand united with your DH how on earth can he cope living with that.

Well said Tuppence

I don't think it's acceptable to send DH away - quite obviously this needs to be dealt as a family unit.

I had a very abusive (sexual, physical) childhood which never really affected me until 13 years old and onwards, so yes it can manifest and suddenly dawn on you one day even though some people don't think that happens... It's a difficult long road but I'm sure with your support, your DHs and professional help she will do well. Good luck OP.

It's rejection to my daughter. I've said that.

No, I don't want details as that's not what this thread is about. There's also weirdos who get off on it. I wanted to know if it was unreasonable to send him to calm down, I now know that's not the right thing to do ( before I can ask a professional) and thanks for that advice

How does your eldest DD fit into all this? How is she coping?

I hope your not thinking I'm having a go really!

its an impossible situation for you all I don't want you thinking I'm dismissing that!

Yes, we have told her it isn't appropriate and she is to stop.

We have also explained different types of love