To think DH needs to live away for a week or so? Pushed DD pretty hard.

[Namechanged55]

I have changed my username. You have helped me with so much lately, so thought I'd ask for more advice.

We have 2 DDs, one is 12 and one is 14. To be honest, someone may remember one of my threads, but that's okay as I changed my username for that too.

DD2 was adopted when she was younger, 4 years old to be exact. Things have been going well, relatively, we have been having some inappropriate behaviour towards DH though which we have been seeking help for, since my other thread (thank you!) and we are taking those steps. However, DH literally lost it last night. Called her 'messed up' and pushed her off him (not at all supposed to be the way he deals with it obviously) but then cried about how he was really wrong to me and just wants to help DD2 but he's finding it difficult and I do not blame him, all the inappropriate behaviour (sexually, not going into details, because of the weirdos) is aimed at him, he has been able to deal with it relatively well so far and for the last couple of days has been following some advice we have gotten (still need lots more meetings though).

Anyway, enough of that really.

I have then been explaining to DH that he needs to spend a little bit of time away (we haven't been advised against this btw) but he will need to still come out on family days out etc so it still works as a family and we work together, but I mean when we are at home, he should just stay with a family member. DD2 is rightly so absolutely gutted, she's really upset and it hasn't helped her at all (I know we all make mistakes but it's a bit frustrating that DH did that as it has completely sent now more mixed messages to DD2).

By a hard push, I don't mean slammed into a wall, gosh no. He hasn't got a bad temper, it's just he pushed her off like he would if she was an adult, which was completely not proportionate, as she's a small 12 year old.

Oh, I don't know. He is now having the hump with me. I just don't know if I'm being unreasonable to say he needs to stay away for a few days, while I build up DD's self esteem again. Like I say, he'll still come out for days out.

To be honest Timefor I actually think you're being horrendously rude

Navy I said adoption to HQ, they recommended relationships so I agreed as that's where my previous thread was (which was a lot less difficult...) thank you though

If I ever post again, I'll definitely go there!

I'm an adoptive parent OP, definitely post on the Adoption board, it's brilliant! and you won't get people calling your DD2 messed up

I've obviously not woken up in a good mood, sorry, but I'm seriously surprised that MNHQ think all the post confirming how my DH is in fact right about her being messed up are allowed to stand, I won't even bother with the examples, as I'm shot down and told never to compare a NT child. And the post about saying that an adoptive child isn't even mine has been allowed to say. Really disappointed actually.

I reported Timefor, though I'm not sure her total lack of empathy will get that post deleted.

Name

There are plenty of insensitive, idiotic twats in all walks of life. Unfortunately, that means here too. I often see cruel comments about my particular MH issue but they're never, ever deleted.

Did you see my question regarding DD1? Because if it is just you projecting, you need to give yourself a break girl!

I've reported quite a few posts on this thread. Hope others have too!

I'm not sure DD1 seems so happy, she's confident, intelligent and everything else! She makes me so proud, she has never expressed anything negative to me, but I worry that she's keeping it to herself.

I did email and asked if they had deleted all the ones they thought and they said yes but I can go through and report, so I spent ages reporting (yes, I was probably a bit to quick to dish deletions out close to most of the thread) but some should have gone...

Thank you for being supportive

I think if there are no signs (acting out for attention for example) then it's just your own mum guilt making you paranoid. You're obviously so worried about DD2, so some part of you is assuming that means you're not doing the same for DD1. It's nonsense! I felt the same way about DS1 when the DTs were born. It's a very human reaction, I think.

P.S. Even if she WAS keeping it all to herself, there'd still be signs. Think like how many women know their DH is straying because of the signs at home. You'd know!

I think you are right to be concerned about DD1. Children can feel a lot of pressure to be "the good one" who gives no trouble. She may well not want to burden you with things, if she sees that you are struggling with DD2 (and however mush you try to protect her, she will know, to some extent).

You are in such a difficult position, I can see, because it would probably be good for you to spend some time with DD1, but you obviously are concerned about allowing DD2 to be alone with her DF, for the sake of both of them.

Is there any time you can spend with DD1, when DD2 is out at an event, or staying away elsewhere? Is that something you could engineer? I know as the mother of teens, that this can be doubly difficult, because they want to spend a lot of time with friends, as well as all the pressures of school, etc.

for you and your family. This is so hard.

for gods sake find a safe,supportive and boundaried arena to explore this stuff...because this certainly isn't it.

Get proper professional help.

RTFT. They are getting help.

I think he had to and has to reject her behaviour towards him and constantly say that it's inappropriate and to stop.

He can gently push her away and explain why.

What is inportant is to show her that she can be chastised, her inappropriate behaviour rejected and life goes on. There are consequences but that she can reach boundaries and they are dealt with and the sky doesn't fall in. She is safe. He needs to reinforce this consistently.

She needs help.

He definitely needs support

She looks to be pushing boundaries until she gets a reaction. I'm sure you can see this as a cry for help of some kind, but as everyone knows, this is not the way to achieve it.

OP can you tell the professionals who are advising you, about what happened? Or are you worried about telling them about what your DH did because it was contrary to all their advice and because he pushed your DD so hard that you heard the thump downstairs?
I'm just trying to work out why you're asking for advice here because it's blatantly obvious that lots of posters don't have any experience of abuse and are trying to encourage you to demarcate boundaries in the way they would with a child who hadn't experienced abuse. Their advice, although well-meaning, could be harmful.

Because I wasn't meeting with them that day and wasn't sure if DH should spend some time alone and so I wanted some quick advice on that

I did read the thread. I'm just not sure this is helpful place to get advice on such an emotive and serious area of family life.
People who are not professionals have their own take on situations and the advice then becomes contradictory.