To think DH needs to live away for a week or so? Pushed DD pretty hard.

[Namechanged55]

I have changed my username. You have helped me with so much lately, so thought I'd ask for more advice.

We have 2 DDs, one is 12 and one is 14. To be honest, someone may remember one of my threads, but that's okay as I changed my username for that too.

DD2 was adopted when she was younger, 4 years old to be exact. Things have been going well, relatively, we have been having some inappropriate behaviour towards DH though which we have been seeking help for, since my other thread (thank you!) and we are taking those steps. However, DH literally lost it last night. Called her 'messed up' and pushed her off him (not at all supposed to be the way he deals with it obviously) but then cried about how he was really wrong to me and just wants to help DD2 but he's finding it difficult and I do not blame him, all the inappropriate behaviour (sexually, not going into details, because of the weirdos) is aimed at him, he has been able to deal with it relatively well so far and for the last couple of days has been following some advice we have gotten (still need lots more meetings though).

Anyway, enough of that really.

I have then been explaining to DH that he needs to spend a little bit of time away (we haven't been advised against this btw) but he will need to still come out on family days out etc so it still works as a family and we work together, but I mean when we are at home, he should just stay with a family member. DD2 is rightly so absolutely gutted, she's really upset and it hasn't helped her at all (I know we all make mistakes but it's a bit frustrating that DH did that as it has completely sent now more mixed messages to DD2).

By a hard push, I don't mean slammed into a wall, gosh no. He hasn't got a bad temper, it's just he pushed her off like he would if she was an adult, which was completely not proportionate, as she's a small 12 year old.

Oh, I don't know. He is now having the hump with me. I just don't know if I'm being unreasonable to say he needs to stay away for a few days, while I build up DD's self esteem again. Like I say, he'll still come out for days out.

Okay, I appreciate making him stay away isn't going to help

I do understand. Honestly.

Who was the advice from?

Leaving the room is a first stage tactic, it's only appropriate for the first or second time she shows sexual behaviour. It is really only used whilst you're still determining if she really is breaching the boundaries or if it was a one off.

I'm worried you are getting bad advice. Like you've said yourself, there aren't many opportunities to get this right.

I'll add to my previous comment here:- "if the situation was reversed and it was a 12 year old boy making these advances to you (and you were so stressed about it that you broke down in tears) would you be happy if your DH told you to leave your home?

What a very difficult situation for all of you.

Another voice saying that you need to support your DH. Yes, he made a mistake and he knows it. But this is life, not perfection.

I only know about ASD rather than adoption/abuse context. But you must have some advice from somewhere on the appropriate way for you and DH to talk with DD2 about when you make a mistake? For DS (who is 7, with ASD), in your DH's shoes I would talk to them once everybody had calmed down a bit and explain that when I did x it was wrong, and I am sorry. It would also be an opportunity to talk about how I could do something different in the future that would work better for everyone.

Please don't punish your DH (or your DD2, of course, or yourself!) for this, none of you are to blame for a hideously complex and stressful situation that is of none of your making.

He was out of order so you are punishing him?

OP you said last time that she actually gets naked and rubs herself against him. It's all very well saying he should just calmly leave the room, but I imagine he's been doing that for quite some time now and this time he couldn't get out fast enough and he just couldn't take it anymore.

I think you have much more sympathy with her than with him. But his life has had a sickening element introduced into it, and it's in his own home. His safe space is gone.

Your family need urgent professional help. Your DH is the subject of DD's inappropriate sexualised behaviour, in a perfect world he wouldn't have spoken harshly or pushed her away but I can understand how it happened. Punishing him is unfair and wrong.
With many adoptions the family are never given all the facts and it may well be that your DD was subjected to or witnessed sex abuse or similar.
On your previous threads you were given lots of useful advice about accessing support I hope you've followed up some of those links. You and DH need to support each other to give your DD the best chance of progressing.

OP you said last time that she actually gets naked and rubs herself against him.

Your poor, poor DH! What are you doing while she does this? How is she not understanding right at that moment that it's wrong.

I don't think AIBU is the right place for this, and my advice would be to get it moved or deleted and to seek advice from CAMHs etc, not on here.

I do think that yabu though. This is not your husband's fault, and sending him away for a week gives a message that he is in the wrong, which won't help your daughter at all.

Thanks very much for bringing up the previous thread, exactly what I didn't want, hence I namechanged but knew some people might recognise. I don't want weirdos knowing the ins and outs and I didn't quite say rubs herself up next to him did I? No, I didn't.

She isn't understanding it's wrong because of early childhood abuse. There's no need to bring up the actions she does, I clearly said that in my OP ffs.

I feel so sorry for your DH. It cannot be all about your DD2 it has to be about all of you and putting his feelings and needs second to hers is not a good plan.

This thread wasn't about getting advice for my DD, I got that in my previous thread. It was seriously a "AIBU to send DH away to calm down a bit while I build up her self esteem"? I've realised its the wrong thing and that's great, thanks.

We both knew what we were getting ourselves into when adopting a child who had been a subject to abuse.

But she is 12. Surely you have had years to explain how wrong her behaviour is?

Now that she is 12, you need to be quite explicit, or she will end up acting out outside of your home, and end up with a record.

Surely 12 is old enough to understand that some behaviour is not acceptable, and doing it is a way of guaranteeing rejection?

Youve said she is doing this as a way of feeling loved and accepted, have you all sat down and tried to find acceptable ways of her expressing this and feeling loved? ie "you can always have a hug, but we only do hugs with clothes on"

So regardless of rejection worries every time there is a family crisis dh is expected to leave to save dd feelings?? Mm think not.

No, you clearly don't understand that a child can develop behaviours later on, ffs. This wasn't meant to be about this.

I can't help wondering why you didn't post it on adoption then to be honest.

YOur poor husband must be at the end of his rope. Of course you want to protect your daughter but I think you have to cut the man some slack - he is being harrassed in his home, he is trying to put in coping measures on something that is very unpredictable and he is human, so can't get it right all the time

Though it shouldn't need saying, she IS messed up isn't she? He said it wrong but it wasn't as though it was out of left field.

I really hope that your family gets the help it needs

You will not be able to build up her self esteem/security and confidence in a loving parental relationship with out enforcing boundries along side self esteem building.

A huge amount of her future identity and value for herself will happen directly as a result of loving boundries.

Doing one without the other will not produce the desired results

If you send him away or do anything that indicates he was somehow wrong for rejecting her you will be enforcing the message that safe parental relationships do involve inappropriate touch.

Have you looked into any behaviour modification stuff like a points system for not engaging in inappropriate behaviour?

Please can people stop with the advice about her behaviours? I know you may mean well but you really don't understand her or her difficulties.

This thread wasn't about that.

Should it not be your dd that has to leave the room when she behaves like this? Otherwise she could just follow him round.

I sympathise, but I imagine knowing what you're getting into and actually being in it are two quite separate things in a situation like this. Especially when you are on the receiving end of such behaviour. Good luck to your family