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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

To think DH needs to live away for a week or so? Pushed DD pretty hard.

272 replies

Namechanged55 · 05/08/2016 15:57

I have changed my username. You have helped me with so much lately, so thought I'd ask for more advice.

We have 2 DDs, one is 12 and one is 14. To be honest, someone may remember one of my threads, but that's okay as I changed my username for that too.

DD2 was adopted when she was younger, 4 years old to be exact. Things have been going well, relatively, we have been having some inappropriate behaviour towards DH though which we have been seeking help for, since my other thread (thank you!) and we are taking those steps. However, DH literally lost it last night. Called her 'messed up' and pushed her off him (not at all supposed to be the way he deals with it obviously) but then cried about how he was really wrong to me and just wants to help DD2 but he's finding it difficult and I do not blame him, all the inappropriate behaviour (sexually, not going into details, because of the weirdos) is aimed at him, he has been able to deal with it relatively well so far and for the last couple of days has been following some advice we have gotten (still need lots more meetings though).

Anyway, enough of that really.

I have then been explaining to DH that he needs to spend a little bit of time away (we haven't been advised against this btw) but he will need to still come out on family days out etc so it still works as a family and we work together, but I mean when we are at home, he should just stay with a family member. DD2 is rightly so absolutely gutted, she's really upset and it hasn't helped her at all (I know we all make mistakes but it's a bit frustrating that DH did that as it has completely sent now more mixed messages to DD2).

By a hard push, I don't mean slammed into a wall, gosh no. He hasn't got a bad temper, it's just he pushed her off like he would if she was an adult, which was completely not proportionate, as she's a small 12 year old.

Oh, I don't know. He is now having the hump with me. I just don't know if I'm being unreasonable to say he needs to stay away for a few days, while I build up DD's self esteem again. Like I say, he'll still come out for days out.

OP posts:
Original poster
Namechanged55 · 05/08/2016 17:14

Needs no disrespect but then it's your advice against the advice I'm being given isn't it?

Yes, she has had CBT and various other therapies.

OP posts:
NeedsAsockamnesty · 05/08/2016 17:16

We do tell her

Telling her is not good enough. It's pointless telling her no matter how many times you do it if you do not also reinforce boundries and model appropreate behaviour and make sure that every time you deal with the behaviour your unspoken actions back up the words

wowfudge · 05/08/2016 17:16

Please stop swearing at other posters OP - those who have posted on this thread have given their honest advice on a general forum. It has all been sympathetic to what your family is going through, from different perspectives as you would expect.

NeedsAsockamnesty · 05/08/2016 17:20

So you have seriously been told that you should remove him from the house along side not installing safe boundries solely in order to boost her self esteem?

Is it possible you did that thing when people just cherry pick advice or only hear half of it?

And that's not an insult it's perfectly normal when your stressed out.

I wasn't asking about CBT I was talking about the points systems behaviour modification program used in BESD specialist schools around the country and by specialist foster carers often with great sucess with abused children

Amelie10 · 05/08/2016 17:21

Op so you tell her not to do this, then when it does happen again do you not question her as to why she disregarded it? I think some posters are trying to understand why as a 12 yo if you are told not do something very specifically, then why is she still doing it?

Original poster
Namechanged55 · 05/08/2016 17:22

Seriously, I've said that we are dealing with that, it doesn't take a few hours for it to work. I am trying to ask kindly, we have recently seeked help (since my other thread) with new advice that we are doing, it won't take a day to work and we are giving it more time that a few days, that's what we have to do.

Seriously, the amount of people telling me to put DH first is a bit Confused surely we always look at our child's best interest first? She's also a a 12 year old. I feel for my DH and am supporting him, but how can I put him above our child?

OP posts:
MummyBarrow · 05/08/2016 17:23

OP I cant begin to imagine how hard this is but I think you have posted this and didnt really want the answers you are getting. your responses now are getting very defensive and sweary. Seems to me you just wanted to hear that the plan you have suggested was the right one.

Sending your husband away is not the right thing to do and how long is going for and how often is that going to happen? It is not a solution to a situation that clearly needs support.

I understand your daughter needs her self esteem built up but that is probably best done by yuor DH showing her how men behave around children correctly and that she is not being rejected. If she thinks he is now ignoring her by moving out how does that help her self esteem?

I am still not really sure what you expected to happen with this thread but I truly hope your family gets the help it needs to get through this

Pearlman · 05/08/2016 17:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Namechanged55 · 05/08/2016 17:24

Amelie because she has had it embedded into her brain from a baby, it takes longer than a few days for it to get out.

OP posts:
callherwillow · 05/08/2016 17:24

It's not in your child's best interests to remove her father from the house unless he's a danger to her, which he patently isn't.

NeedsAsockamnesty · 05/08/2016 17:24

There is no reason to wonder why she's still doing it.

Yes she's 12yo but it's highly likely she was sexually abused starting as a tiny baby (given she's been with op since age 4) many children with these experances have been so conditioned for this type of a use that it takes a great deal of work to make them fully understand on every level that it's not normal it's not ok and they have been damaged by it. And yes the outward signs of it are often delayed

itsmine · 05/08/2016 17:25

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Amelie10 · 05/08/2016 17:25

Op so you tell her not to do this, then when it does happen again do you not question her as to why she disregarded it? I think some posters are trying to understand why as a 12 yo if you are told not do something very specifically, then why is she still doing it?

timelytess · 05/08/2016 17:26

Your DH has pushed someone. That isn't right, isn't acceptable and he needs to leave the family, not for a few days, but permanently. That's what happens to partners who use physical violence - they don't get to be partners any more.

I find both your threads beyond credibility, but working on the barely-comprehensible possibility that you might be telling the truth, get him out of there. If the other thread was accurate about behaviours, I'd be suspicious of his role there too.

RemusLupinsBiggestGroupie · 05/08/2016 17:26

Nobody is telling you to put OH first; just not to punish him for his not entirely saintly response to dd's inappropriate behaviour towards him.

Nobody is suggesting that your situation is anything other than unimaginably difficult but blaming your OH and wanting to push him out of his home for a while, and swearing at people on here, are neither of them useful responses, and will not help your family.

Footle · 05/08/2016 17:27

Amelie, do you know what compulsive behaviour is ? It means being unable to prevent yourself doing something.

callherwillow · 05/08/2016 17:27

Bloody hell tess Shock

NeedsAsockamnesty · 05/08/2016 17:27

Op so you tell her not to do this, then when it does happen again do you not question her as to why she disregarded it? I think some posters are trying to understand why as a 12 yo if you are told not do something very specifically, then why is she still doing it

Give over, can you seriously not understand

Peridotisinvalid · 05/08/2016 17:28

WTF Tess?

blondieblondie · 05/08/2016 17:29

Bloody hell Timelytess. Have some compassion and understanding. This isn't your normal every day family dynamic.

SestraClone · 05/08/2016 17:29

timely, I think you have got it completely wrong Shock

timelytess · 05/08/2016 17:30

Bloody hell tess
Sorry. Held back yesterday but another thread was just too much.

Discobabe · 05/08/2016 17:30

We did marriage counselling once. I was always very child centered but the counsellor pointed out having a good, solid, relationship where you work together is one of the best things you can provide for your children and it's true. I don't think it's about putting your husband first, but just making sure he is supported and not punished by being sent away about freaking out over a very difficult situation.

itsmine · 05/08/2016 17:31

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

timelytess · 05/08/2016 17:31

timely, I think you have got it completely wrong
Always possible.

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