So fed up of dh's attitude to money

[MsAdorabelleDearheartVonLipwig]

Had a lovely day out with the dds today. A real treat, out with friends, nice lunch, trip to the theatre. A lovely day. Came home and told dh all about it and how it was a bit of an extravagant treat and could he top the joint account up for the school holidays and he went up the wall.

Apparently I spend too much. Like I do that sort of thing every day. Then he started bringing other stuff into the row, stuff I'd already paid for with my own money. He's far better off than me and they're not just my children so why are they my financial responsibility when they're off school? He is the breadwinner and pays all the bills, I'm a sahm but I earn a little bit, enough to contribute here and there.

He's a high earner and we don't have any money worries. Well apart from the usual cost of living. He's just had a massive overtime pay cheque. He's not hard up. He says I spend too much - I don't - it's the bloody school holidays and the occasional trip out is nice.

So fed up of the continuous control over the purse strings. Apparently he's 'had to tell me' to reign it in. I've told him he's a miserable fucker who sucks the joy out of life and to fuck off. Why the fuck is it up to him? He's so like his father. He was a tight git too.

How can I move forward? We've just had a massive row. We hardly ever row. Whenever we do though it's about money. We never go out, we don't smoke or drink, we don't drive flash cars, we never go abroad. I buy a bit of pottery because it makes me fucking happy. More so than he does, just lately.

I can't give him too hard a time, I know he's very worried about his dad who's not well but Christ, if I get one more patronising lecture about money I might actually divorce him. I'd be better off if I did, I'd get half the house, the money and the pension!

I just think £120 for a random day out is a lot of money yes i know school holidays can be expensive but it is not something i would have done without at least making sure we could afford it saying but its for the children is a bit off it is still £120 on a day out there if this is English/welsh school holidays then there is 4/5 weeks left of days out.

I think the op said £50k was his basic and then he gets overtime?? That could take him over £60k and the cb threshold. Tbh op if it were me I would definitely still be claiming the cb, it protects some NI contribution for you. Put it into the account for the children so you can stop spending 'your money' on things for both your dc. Am I right in saying he transfers x into the joint account to cover bills and among other things days out and he gets to keep the rest? Is that equal to your earnings that you get to spend? I'm one for all in one pot but if you divide finances this seems to be the only fair way. You can't have him having perhaps hundreds of pounds spare a month and you struggling to pay for your glasses, that would be deeply unfair.

Just read your recent response OP and it's even more obvious he's a tw&t.
He controls you with money. Simple as that.
All your money should be joint, even more so if one of you is a sahp on my opinion. It's not ok that he keeps you on a tight leash and spends what he likes/Keeps the rest for
Himself.
You'd be better off if you divorced.
I'd never accept a relationship like this, would absolutely hate it.
Just my two cents

Op

If he earns loads and you earn a pittance because you are a SAHP and 'his' money stays 'his' money, what are your plans for old age? You say he has savings and investments: what do you have?

I cannot get my head around separate money when one person earns lots and the other is a SAHP. How does it work long term?

I've tried. I can't make him understand that it's not fair. At least he does put a lot into the joint account and we don't struggle for anything. I don't think he means to come across as controlling, that's just how his parents were. If you'd met his dad you'd sumpathise. I can remember when dh and dbil were teenagers, their mum would buy them deodorant etc out of the weekly shop and they'd have to pay her. The exact amount. They were ruthless down to the penny, that lot. A hoarding, what's mine is mine mentality. Whereas my family were generous to the point of going without themselves and consequently I can't get worked up about money. As long as we've got enough to live on, I'm happy.

I understood that even if the CB was in my name, it counts in a total of household income and dh was taxed even more. It worked out that we'd be better off without it. I had it explained to me at length when I complained about losing it. It always went into the joint account.

Wow.... Just WOW!!! I could not imagine spending £120 on a day out. My family income is a lot less than OP and we both work. IMO if OP doesn't like having her DH in charge of the family finances it time to get a job. BTW, if I take our DC out, I pay and vice versa for my DH. Family days are split between us. Oh how the other half live!

Who explained it to you?
It doesn't cost more in tax that its value!
It a straight swap - if you claim it, you pay back via income tax the exact same amount, if earnings over £60K.

You must look into your NI contributions.

Yes but user, OPs situation is different.

www.thisismoney.co.uk/money/pensions/article-2368591/Make-sure-child-benefit-changes-doesnt-affect-state-pension.html

This explains it, and how you can register for CB but tick a box not to have it paid - if you know you're over the £60K.

Otherwise, if you don't earn enough you will miss out on building up qualifying years for your pension! This is REALLY important.

"It worked out that we'd be better off without it. I had it explained to me at length when I complained about losing it. It always went into the joint account."

HE is better off without it, YOU (the joint account) are worse off. The Household, if everything was shared, would be the same.

This is clearly not fair, you should have equal spending money and savings. So he keeps most or at least a large part of the money for himself and does whatever he wants with it, but you have to report when you spend some on kids? You're not his nanny.

Look into the child benefit/pension aspect, OP...!

Thanks for that Cabrinha, it's still confusing but I'll have a proper read.

He cancelled it because he said he was paying too much tax. So basically he was only paying what he'd had, no more?

It is a pain in the arse doing the self assessment. Twice the system lost his details and we ended up with a £900 tax bill because they said he'd been overpaid. Despite us telling them on three separate occasions to cancel it.

I hope it was in my name. I'd better check how much pension entitlement I've got.

If you earn 60k it's an out an out cut off for CB that's it - you're not entitled to it BUT if you earn less than that you are entitled to it, albeit at a reduced rate but it's worth claiming.

I wonder if, because he earns less than 60k he is claiming the tapered rate op? And of course he would not have to repay this.

LTB then he can give you a chunk of his £50k towards the upkeep of his DCs and he gets no say what it's spent on!

Joking aside, I'm actually better off now than I was with XH who was on a similar salary. I'm a low earner, working 2 p/t jobs to provide for my DCs, XH pays £700 a month in maintenance and I also get tax credits to top up my wages. I work flexible hours and can afford to take my DCs out for a treat whenever I choose to and more importantly, I don't have to answer to anyone when I do.

XH's controlling attitude to money was one of the reasons I left him, along with controlling behaviour in other ways and his ability to suck the joy out of any occasion.

And it seems he does earn more than £60k, then.

I would have a strong, serious talk with hm about teamwork within a marriage. That it is not right that he has money you can't see or access and that you are dependent on whatever level he decides to make available in the joint account.

Decide what sort of system would suit you: e.g
All money into the joint acct - his earnings and yours - designate an amount for savings, bills, joint household and child expenditure, all 'all family' expenses, and an EQUAL amount each for 'free spending'? Which you could each keep in a separate account?

All savings accounts to be visible / accessible to both of you.

Agree that you will discuss budgets between you for family expenditure , days out etc.

If he doesn't agree suggest counselling (Relate, for example)

If he still doesn't agree tell him you can't live like this in the C21st, so in order to have independence, and to make your contribution to the household in the only way he recognises as valid, you will be applying for full time work. And could he please give his availability for school pick ups, and cover during the holiday, and suggest that you have a discussion in 4 days time to discus your respective plans for each covering your 50 of the childcare responsibilities. Ask him if he could please research some childcare agencies for emergency cover for when the kids cannot go to school, and you will look into after-school clubs.

"So basically he was only paying what he'd had, no more?"

Yes. He has pulled a stunt.

OP- whereas he needs to outgrow his parents' Neanderthal sexist attitude to money, you need to shed your parents' laid back attitude and educate yourself and take notice of how to look after yourself. Your laid back attitude may be what annoys him, if you do maintain an 'it's only money' sort of approach.

You need to talk about these differences between you.

User if your family income is a lot less than OPs, what you would spend has no more to do with anything than the posters upthread who thought 120 was nothing but who have two high earners instead of one. These things are very circumstance specific. And your 'get a job' attitude stinks. Not to mention, you've no idea whether OP taking paid employment would financially benefit the family anyway. Coming away with what sounds like the low hundreds per month whilst also doing the holiday, inset days, sick days and wraparound care for two school aged children is actually no small thing. Not everyone can earn enough to cover that.

OP with that upbringing, his attitude to money makes a lot more sense. The secrecy is still a problem though, or the unbalanced attitude to it I should say. Either you both have private spending the other doesn't get to know anything about, or neither of you do.

You hope what was in your name?

OP, phone this number tomorrow:
0300 200 3100

It's the tax office, they're super helpful.

Tell them that your husband earns more than £60K per year, but that you have heard you should claim CB anyway, so that you get NI credit. Ask them where to get a form, and which box to tick to ask for CB claim without payment.

You can ask at the same time if you can do anything about missed NI credit in previous years. You may have been earning though to get it - I think it's around £6K, not sure on that though.

www.moneyadviceservice.org.uk/en/articles/protecting-your-state-pension-when-you-have-a-baby

This site is quite helpful and assumes no prior knowledge.

I was going to mention the child benefit and NI contributions as well.