So fed up of dh's attitude to money

[MsAdorabelleDearheartVonLipwig]

Had a lovely day out with the dds today. A real treat, out with friends, nice lunch, trip to the theatre. A lovely day. Came home and told dh all about it and how it was a bit of an extravagant treat and could he top the joint account up for the school holidays and he went up the wall.

Apparently I spend too much. Like I do that sort of thing every day. Then he started bringing other stuff into the row, stuff I'd already paid for with my own money. He's far better off than me and they're not just my children so why are they my financial responsibility when they're off school? He is the breadwinner and pays all the bills, I'm a sahm but I earn a little bit, enough to contribute here and there.

He's a high earner and we don't have any money worries. Well apart from the usual cost of living. He's just had a massive overtime pay cheque. He's not hard up. He says I spend too much - I don't - it's the bloody school holidays and the occasional trip out is nice.

So fed up of the continuous control over the purse strings. Apparently he's 'had to tell me' to reign it in. I've told him he's a miserable fucker who sucks the joy out of life and to fuck off. Why the fuck is it up to him? He's so like his father. He was a tight git too.

How can I move forward? We've just had a massive row. We hardly ever row. Whenever we do though it's about money. We never go out, we don't smoke or drink, we don't drive flash cars, we never go abroad. I buy a bit of pottery because it makes me fucking happy. More so than he does, just lately.

I can't give him too hard a time, I know he's very worried about his dad who's not well but Christ, if I get one more patronising lecture about money I might actually divorce him. I'd be better off if I did, I'd get half the house, the money and the pension!

[HermioneJeanGranger]

But spending £120 on a day out with kids is only okay if there's enough money to support it. Lots of families can't afford that, so they just do something else.

[TallulahTheTiger]

And as others have said its a bit shit to be at work anyway when everyone else is having fun, and yes am sure he's perfectly competent to make his own dinner and it's in no way traumatic but to come home to 'we've all eaten, eat on your own' is a bit mean!

[LobsterQuadrille]

I can't believe that the DH here is being called tight, but that's perhaps because I am too. I think it has little to do with the amount anyone earns - it's like the old fable of the ant and the grasshopper and the varying degrees in between. I'm very controlling about money and I know that. I don't know which came first - this attitude/approach or the fact that I haven't received a single penny from anyone else (aside from CHB) since I left university. I consider that I work hard for my money and it's up to me how I spend it - and yes, I am probably afraid of being out of work or unable to support myself so I made paying off my mortgage as soon as I could a top priority.

I've never had shared finances but surely the sensible approach is shared money subject to an agreement and a budget. I have a monthly savings plan/cashflow and stick to it - and leave any treats for the end of the month - or budget more closely towards the end of the month.

[RhodaBull]

But that is in my opinion joyless. I am careful with money - I don't fritter money away and rarely spend money on clothes, hairdresser, beauty etc - but, to get upset about money spent on days out - nice days out - in the summer holidays is to my mind a really glum attitude.

I suppose it's priorities. Probably my 15-year-old car and shabby house would makes some people's hair stand on end, but when it comes to a day out with the dcs, just try to stop me... My attitude is a pound saved shopping at Lidl is a pound to be spent on a day out.

But we don't know, to be fair, if the OP is a £200 a week Waitrose gal with a gym and nail bar habit to boot.

[PridePrejudiceZombies]

It's only about priorities if you've got the money in the first place.

I just don't see how, without any information about their living costs, we can have any idea whether DH is being glum and controlling or is being realistic and panicking because OP is spending what they don't have. We've established they probably have a little over 3k a month. If that has to cover a large mortgage, expensive commute and a higher band of council tax, I can see how there wouldn't be a lot left even if they were shopping at Lidl etc (although that would leave us with the question of whether DHs £150 spend was justified). The extra few pounds OP spent on the unscheduled food out might have been their entertainment budget for the next fortnight, in that scenario. Equally, if he works round the corner, they've nearly paid the mortgage off and their savings accounts are pretty healthy, he might be being a hypocritical twat who doesn't think OP deserves his money.

[NeedAnotherGlass]

I just don't get it. I don't understand how any families can function where one person has more money than the other person. Where providing for the kids, including fun and entertainment, is the woman's responsibility.

They have children together and both contribute to the family in different ways. His way happens to earn money, her way reduces costs and provides support and experiences for their children. Both have equal value. The concept of his money and her money are completely alien to me.

If they can afford £120 for a day out - occasionally, not regularly, then I can't see an issue. Why would he object to that?

[purpleapple1234]

For our family, £120 on a day is a huge expense and if we managed to spend that accidentally together or DH did by himself, I would go bonkers. Is the problem that with one person as high earner and the other as a sahm that there is a huge disparity in income that clear boundaries on spending needs to be agreed? if one person thinks I earn so much more so I can spend freely, while the other must be careful, there are going to be problems. The same if the other thinks I can spend money with no consequence as oh is earning a lot.

[Naicehamshop]

NeedAnother - good post. I completely agree.
The idea of two people in a relationship where one person has more money than the other is just awful. ...don't understand it at all.

[bibliomania]

So OP, was there an agreed budget that you exceeded without prior discussion, or does your DH refuse to discuss a budget at all and doles out money as he sees fit?

Not much help to OP, but this reminds me that one thing I really enjoy about being a lone parent is making all the financial decisions. There's no real safety net if I make the wrong call, but I am happy to be able to set my own priorities. Like Rhoda, I might be a bit penny-pinching in some ways, but love to splash out on days out as well.

[Viviennemary]

I think it's to do with attitudes and how happy each person is with their lot. What works for some doesn't work for everyone. Would I be happy to work to bankroll somebody's £120 a day spending habit. No. Would I want to go cap in hand asking please can II have some more. Not really

. On balance if an amount was set aide for days out in the holidays and OP spent £120 of it in one day and then asked for more. I think this isn't on. This casual top it up I've overspent sounds a bit entitled to me. If I was that person's partner I'd say on your bike mate.

[Inthepalemoonlight]

I think if you had all just had a day out for £150 then another day out for £120 makes for an expensive week. We don't have that type of money for days out so neither of us would spend it. In our case it's nothing to do with being tight or financially controlling. Unless the OP comes back and lets us know what their budget for days out we don't know much. But I'm surprised how many people think it is tight to not want to £270 on 2 days out in one week.
Also I missed the bit where the OP said the DH spent money on himself. A lot of PPs have said it is not fair he can spend loads but she can't. Are you all talking about the day out they all had together because the OP was there for that too. For all we know her OH never spends money on himself because there is no spare money because she is spending it all. That might not be the case but it might be. Why all the assumptions that he is spending all the money?

[gamerchick]

gamer I've been on mn for 2.5 years and have found that the attitude towards SAHPs is generally a bit hostile. Usually it's the case that the WOHP is 'slogging their guts out for the sake of their family' and the SAHP is 'chilling out with the kids, spending someone else's money'!

Yeah I had noticed it just seems to be getting more venomous of late or maybe I'm just noticing it more.

As it stands my husband and son often do things together while I'm working using my bank card. I'm just happy that the bairns getting out and about, doing fun things despite me being stuck at work. He would run a biggish spend past me first though. It's just common sense to keep each other in the loop when you're spending joint money.

[roarfeckingroar]

I'm finding this thread a bit bizarre but I think that's because - and I hate this term - of my own privilege. My partner and I wouldn't think about spending £120 because we are both higher earners and it just isn't a large sum to either of us. If the OP has said it isn't unaffordable then surely she isn't being unreasonable at all. I imagine her husband just felt left out.

[KatharinaRosalie]

If it's affordable or not for your family entirely depends. But I also really don't understand how one partner in a marriage can be 'far better off' than the other. And as OP writes, DH does not ask her permission to spend the same, does he.

[Zuccarelli]

I would be cross if dp spent all that on a day out then asked for a top up. If it's a rare treat we would do it as a family.
However, we couldn't afford two very expensive days out in one week.

[Zuccarelli]

Also, it depends how much disposable income you have. Anything over 50 pounds we would discuss first.

[happypoobum]

I think OP is getting a really rough ride here.

She says DH did know about the theatre trip in advance, it wasn't a surpise to him at all. She spent more than planned if I understand correctly.

Also, she has said she does work part time and has a small income, so again I am not sure why she is getting all these "You're a SAHP, so suck it up and be grateful" type comments.

DH sounds like a miserable fucker to me. Does he support you emotionally? I find men who are tight with money are often mean in other ways.

[LilacInn]

There's a big difference between being prudent with money and being tight. It doesn't sound as though any members of this family lack for basics nor for the occasional splurge.

Is the wallet just supposed to OK every expenditure that pops to the minds of the dependents without question? Is their old-age planning on track, funding for health & educational needs on track, mortgage being paid down at a good clip, insurance adequate to cover adverse events, transportation/auto needs up to speed and savings in place for replacement vehicle down the line, etc.? That sounds like a lot to fund for four people on only 50K a year, let alone hundreds of pounds per fortnight in entertainment.

[PridePrejudiceZombies]

To be fair, OP did refer to herself as a SAHM. I agree she's not, but it was her who used the term first.

[Viviennemary]

I think the OP is getting a very easy time on this thread. She complains about her DH's attitude. Her own attitude is pretty poor too.. I might divorce him and get the pension and the money. Charming. If I thought myh partner wrote this about me I'd be filing for divorce myself. It's horrible. What's the norm for CSA. 15% of take home pay. Hardly a fortune even if the DH earns £50K plus. And pension age is probably a very long way off. Be careful what you wish for would be my thoughts.

[LilacInn]

I know quite a few men in the workplace who refer to themselves as "the wallet" -- it's not something I made up. And they refer to their stay-home partner and children as "the dependents" or "the spenders." There is a huge tide of resentment out there that must be acknowledged in any honest discussion of financial fairness within a household.

Knowing that one has decades of total financial responsibility for a household of people looming ahead of one, with no breaks or time out of the workforce likely, day in day out, year in year out, is very daunting and discouraging at times. Feeling undermined or taken for granted by the very people you are supporting is even worse.