So fed up of dh's attitude to money

[MsAdorabelleDearheartVonLipwig]

Had a lovely day out with the dds today. A real treat, out with friends, nice lunch, trip to the theatre. A lovely day. Came home and told dh all about it and how it was a bit of an extravagant treat and could he top the joint account up for the school holidays and he went up the wall.

Apparently I spend too much. Like I do that sort of thing every day. Then he started bringing other stuff into the row, stuff I'd already paid for with my own money. He's far better off than me and they're not just my children so why are they my financial responsibility when they're off school? He is the breadwinner and pays all the bills, I'm a sahm but I earn a little bit, enough to contribute here and there.

He's a high earner and we don't have any money worries. Well apart from the usual cost of living. He's just had a massive overtime pay cheque. He's not hard up. He says I spend too much - I don't - it's the bloody school holidays and the occasional trip out is nice.

So fed up of the continuous control over the purse strings. Apparently he's 'had to tell me' to reign it in. I've told him he's a miserable fucker who sucks the joy out of life and to fuck off. Why the fuck is it up to him? He's so like his father. He was a tight git too.

How can I move forward? We've just had a massive row. We hardly ever row. Whenever we do though it's about money. We never go out, we don't smoke or drink, we don't drive flash cars, we never go abroad. I buy a bit of pottery because it makes me fucking happy. More so than he does, just lately.

I can't give him too hard a time, I know he's very worried about his dad who's not well but Christ, if I get one more patronising lecture about money I might actually divorce him. I'd be better off if I did, I'd get half the house, the money and the pension!

The OP doesnt know whats in the bank because her H hasnt told her.

So the OPS DH isnt telling her that and deciding not to have a conversation about it so she is only doing the same.

I do realize though that she needs to grow a penis to get away with that in your world peggy.

Sorry but after putting money in the joint account he doesn't have to have a conversation about what he has left over as his spending money. OP has already said he puts quite a lot of his salary in the joint account but after agreeing their budget she still wants more. As others have pointed out 36k doesn't go that far...

Brava, Peggy. My thoughts exactly.

I find the whole set up odd and to be honest that of quite a few MNs

I only earn around 30 grand (+ extras) and DHs earns more than me but he is self employed and owns a coupled companies.
At the moment we are quite well off but this hasn't always been the case .

What works for us is a business account (DHs) a joint account and several saving accounts.
I pay about £1100 into joint and DH pays about the same. All standing orders are paid including £900 into savings.

Everyday DH leaves mome out for me, usually about 29 -30 quid for daytime expense.
I put money into my own savings and DH puts into his account.
I have spent similar money and asked for more when I used to do loads odiferous stuff with the boys. DH didn't care but doubt time with the boys asking about their day, their favourite foods, best bit of the day etc.

I couldn't do with someone beinig grumpy with me!

Hi Helena. No, he's shut up about that now. I think, like many men if talking to other women is to go by, he needs 'educating.'

Back to £50K, a lot of people are saying it's not a lot of money. Yes and no. It depends on your outgoings but it's safe to say it's pretty comfortable and certainly not hard up and OP earns a bit here and there, too, so it's not as if she's not contributing something financially. I'm sure a lot of people would dream of earning this amount. We don't earn this much combined and we still manage.

With regards to overtime, is that a mutual agreement or has your DH taken it upon himself to do a lot of overtime because he stresses about money? I think that in itself makes all the difference. I would find it hard to believe OP is sending him out to do it and, actually, if you do have a partner who works long hours then it is quite lonely and you do need some sort of activity to break the days up a bit.

I can see both sides here. I think both the OP and her husband feel like they are being taken for granted. The OP because as a SAHM she does the day-to-day stuff and the DH because it's expected that he will just keep filling the coffers up.

I personally think a sit down financial review is overdue. It maybe possible that there are hidden debts that the OP isnt aware of that are causing worry and stress.

Sorry but after putting money in the joint account he doesn't have to have a conversation about what he has left over as his spending money
I find the whole concept of "his spending money", which is private and not open for discussion, quite bizarre in a marriage.
They are a family, they're in it together.

This cartoon reminded me of this thread!

OP, I think a lot of people are jealous of SAHPs, and a lot of people are jealous of those on 50K and a lot of people on more than 50K will have seen your '50K is a high earner' comment as a bit 'jumped up'. So you are getting it from all sides.

Is your DH great in other ways?

Sorry but after putting money in the joint account he doesn't have to have a conversation about what he has left over as his spending money - she has to report exactly what she spends money on, though?

also, I would not be surprised if DH is earning a lot more than the 50K OP knows about.

Hmm. Child benefit - my DH claims it to protect his NI credits (sahd). I then pay it back via self assessment. It works out that I pay back exactly what he receives but it means if, for any reason (redundancy), my income fell below 60k one year we wouldn't pay back the full amount.

The fact he thinks he is entitled to buy bikes etc but moans about this and doesn't tell you what he earns makes me think he is an arse. If he hasn't protected your NI credits he's very selfish.

We're exactly the same, 43. The CB is paid to DH and then I pay it back via the self-assessment tax return. It's no big deal. In years where I've had a couple of months between jobs I've gone under the threshold and not paid it back. I find I usually save a few quid anyway as on my tax return I can declare my Gift Aid contributions and that lowers my tax bill.

He certainly isn't paying 'more' tax because of CB. He's just paying back what's been given to you.

Hang on
I was told by CB people that my NI contributions would still be protected even though Iwas longer claiming as records showed I have 2 children under 18 ..dh refused to do the self assessment thing (because hes a twat) so gives me what I would have received from CB into my account each month
Have I been advised wrongly?

I think you might have been advised wrongly because they says about 2 children under 18. AfAIK, the NI credit protection for child caring only applies up to age 12. So if you were told 18 then the person doesn't sound well informed.
I haven't checked it personally, but it is all over .gov.uk websites that you should still claim CB even if you tick no payment.
Perhaps it's the simplest rather than the only way?
I'd be checking it out for myself if I were you - I'd want to know exactly what proof was covering you. You can prove you had children, but far more of a faff to prove you were their carer.

Actually, that reminds me that my cousin had her CB stopped by accident. Ended up with back payment and no-one being able to explain why they stopped it! She had to get a letter from her children's school to say that she was known to them (through drop offs, parent meeting etc) as being their carer.

Sigh
I will look.into it
I'm pretty pissed of with dh about it Tbh

Badders, your DH might find he ends up getting some tax back if he does a self-assessment. There's nothing to stop you actually filling the form in for him (he would need to log in to the website).

However, you do still need to claim as the website says, even if you opt not to receive a payment. It sounds like that the situation you're in, where you used to claim and have now opted out? What would happen if you just started claiming again, I wonder?

The chap told me my claim remained "open" so it would show that I was entitled to get CB which would mean my NI would be protected for those years, even though I wasn't actually receiving a payment.
I will try and find the letter they sent me.