So fed up of dh's attitude to money

[MsAdorabelleDearheartVonLipwig]

Had a lovely day out with the dds today. A real treat, out with friends, nice lunch, trip to the theatre. A lovely day. Came home and told dh all about it and how it was a bit of an extravagant treat and could he top the joint account up for the school holidays and he went up the wall.

Apparently I spend too much. Like I do that sort of thing every day. Then he started bringing other stuff into the row, stuff I'd already paid for with my own money. He's far better off than me and they're not just my children so why are they my financial responsibility when they're off school? He is the breadwinner and pays all the bills, I'm a sahm but I earn a little bit, enough to contribute here and there.

He's a high earner and we don't have any money worries. Well apart from the usual cost of living. He's just had a massive overtime pay cheque. He's not hard up. He says I spend too much - I don't - it's the bloody school holidays and the occasional trip out is nice.

So fed up of the continuous control over the purse strings. Apparently he's 'had to tell me' to reign it in. I've told him he's a miserable fucker who sucks the joy out of life and to fuck off. Why the fuck is it up to him? He's so like his father. He was a tight git too.

How can I move forward? We've just had a massive row. We hardly ever row. Whenever we do though it's about money. We never go out, we don't smoke or drink, we don't drive flash cars, we never go abroad. I buy a bit of pottery because it makes me fucking happy. More so than he does, just lately.

I can't give him too hard a time, I know he's very worried about his dad who's not well but Christ, if I get one more patronising lecture about money I might actually divorce him. I'd be better off if I did, I'd get half the house, the money and the pension!

[HermioneJeanGranger]

£120 is a lot to spend on a day out, irrespective of whether OP is a SAHM or not. Especially when the whole family went out on a similar trip a week ago! It's not like the kids are being deprived of outings - they've had two theatre trips in two weeks!

I would not expect to be able to spend £120 on a day out without it having an impact on finances. You still have a month of summer holidays left! 50k is a decent salary on paper but it can't support families spending £300 a fortnight on entertainment and days out.

Take them to the park, the beach, a free museum. Little kids don't need hundreds spent on them to have good memories. And speak to your DH about budgeting and how much is actually left over for days out. Because I doubt it's £120 a week.

[NickyEds]

gamer I've been on mn for 2.5 years and have found that the attitude towards SAHPs is generally a bit hostile. Usually it's the case that the WOHP is 'slogging their guts out for the sake of their family' and the SAHP is 'chilling out with the kids, spending someone else's money'!

I'm a SAHM and dp's salary goes into one account that we both monitor and have access to. I would run a £120 spend by him but he certainly wouldn't hit the roof if a day out turned out more expensive than planned. I can't stand the idea that one person in a couple is much better off than the other. It would male me very uncomfortable if I were either the 'rich' or the 'poor' one. Dp earns all of the money but we both still have equal say in how it's spent.

[Believeitornot]

I don't see the issue here with the OP spending money on their children having a nice time.

My dh is a bit like this but I have a job and earn about the same as him so he has no leg to stand on. We are both high earners (£50k +).

And his attitude is the exact reason why I would never give up my job. (We have discussed this - we could probably afford it but it would mean a change in lifestyle).

Because we are high earners with a low mortgage we don't have money worries so our arguments or disagreements about spending are not that big a deal. Funnily enough dh will happily spend money on things he thinks are worthy!

So OP it sounds like you and your dh need a proper conversation about money and make sure you're on equal footing. Your being a SAHP enables him to work long hours etc - he needs to acknowledge that you're in a partnership not dictatorship.

[mouldycheesefan]

I think the issue is that the op doesn't understand the household finances and how much money is available for days out etc. There is not joint financial responsibility and sharing of fiscal decisions. It's this that the dh is doubtless tiring of.

[sparechange]

Everyone saying 'oh but it is her money because it is joint money'
OP is asking her DH to top up the joint account, presumably with HIS money

DH and I have a joint account and we also have our own accounts. Everything goes into the pot and then we both take out the same as our money personal spending money.

If DH overspent from the joint account and expected me to bail it out from MY money, I would be bloody livid.

All this handwringing about financial control and abuse is hysterical nonsense. From the snapshot we know from the posts, it is just as easy to say OP is financially feckless and needs her DH to keep track of money to stop her wasting it all. Stop projecting!

[PridePrejudiceZombies]

50k after tax, with modest pension contributions and no student loan payment, leaves a take home packet of somewhere between £2750-£2900. The family may get child benefit too, depending on DHs overtime payments, and OP earns something but not much if most of it went on glasses this month. I'm guessing that leaves this family with a little above 3k a month. While that's comfortable, speaking as a family of four with a similar income, perhaps a hundred or two less, it's unlikely to be enough for them to be able to do two £100+ days out in a short space of time without that being discussed first and budgeted for. It's true we don't know their expenses but ours are pretty low and we still wouldn't feel this was affordable. And that's with preschool children, whereas OPs sound older and thus more expensive.

So it's hard to call really. The DH spending £150 on a day out and then kicking off when OP spends £120 could be a sign of being controlling and viewing it as his money not theirs. OTOH, it could be because they can't afford big trips like that very often, and the £150 the other week means the £120 yesterday was a problem. It would concern me a bit, if I'm honest, that OP talks about 50k as being a high earner. It's clearly a lot more than most people earn, and neither my DH nor I is likely to ever get that much, but equally the take home is not an astronomical amount and they're the sort of family unit that doesn't fare well within the tax system. There are some bottlenecks and family arrangements which mean some setups get a lot less take home than you'd think, and this is one of them. Which is how they've ended up on around the same as my DH and I, two part time workers on 23k and 19k respectively.

[davos]

Davos: I'm sure there are lots of things that could change your point of view. Why pick on this? And no, he is not giving her money. Money he earns is their money already.

I have already pointed out that there are some bits of detail that I would need to make up my mind.

If they have mutually agreed that he pays the bills and has what's left. And she keeps the money she earns (she states she does earn some) but over spends so the top up comes out of 'his' money, then he is giving her money.

Not every family, runs their whole finances as 'joint', it doesn't work for everyone.

But wether he is twunt or not would (and wether it's classed as giving her money) really depend on how they came about the current arrangement.

[Sidge]

Pearlman I have no problem with how this family choose to do things re work, childcare, etc. I was trying to put an alternative viewpoint as to why the husband may feel pissed off at being at work whilst the family is out for the day and then being told to cough up some more money.

Doesn't make it right, its just a possible explanation. There may well be some resentment on his side but that's his issue. They need to talk to each other rather than getting stroppy with each other. That's all.

[PridePrejudiceZombies]

Believeitornot, your situation is very different to OPs because you're both high earners. I can see how on your joint income, multiple £100+ days out would be nothing to worry about, but that's not the scenario here.

[rollonthesummer]

Hmmm, if the roles were reversed, I'd be pissed off if DH spent £120 on a lovely day to the theatre/meal out-without me, whilst I was working and he wasn't. Then if he came home and told me about it, then asked me to give him more money as he'd run out-that would be the icing on the cake, especially if I'd had a crap day at work.

Are you planning to earn some more money yourself? How old are the children?

[suit2845321oie]

The OP does earn some money and although I would feel a bit sick spending £120 on a day out and try to avoid it I certainly wouldn't expect my DH to freak out as he knows I'm quite careful with money, much more careful than him. Last week it cost the best part of £100 to take my 3 to the cinema and for lunch at wagamama. I felt ill, told DH and didn't bat an eyelid. Today I'm taking them out, I pre paid and we are taking sandwiches. Last night he asked me if I need some money transferring to cover it. I don't so I said no. He works extremely long hours FT and I work part time. He earns many multiples of what I earn but he trusts me to deal sensibly with the kids and has no resentment when I do nice things with them as he wants them to have fun. We do parks etc but sometimes it's nice to do something a bit special

[RhodaBull]

I think the salary is a red herring. Tightwads are tightwads. Usually I am very anti dh bashing and LTB threads (when the dh is clearly not that bad) but in this case I think he is an arse to erupt about what was a lovely enjoyable day out.

Later he could mention that perhaps a few cheaper trips out might be in order, but to trash a trip that has already taken place which people enjoyed - that's mean-spirited and mean of pocket.

As children grow older it is expensive to take them out. It's stupid when posters say "My dcs are happy with a ball in the park and a sandwich." Yep, your dcs are probably 5 and 3 years old. In a few years' time you're staring down the barrel of £10 for a round of frappuccinos, plus the fact that childhood ends at 12 on the pricing of many places.

Dc aren't young for ever. Day trips should be cherished. Anyway, if the OP worked the kids would probably have to be in an expensive activities camp. I can't see what is wrong with a few trips costing £120 and many days spent mooching around spending nowt.

[HenryIX]

I know he is not 'giving' her money, but there is a difference between 'We've had a great day, but spent quite a bit. Could you pop some more money in the joint account please' and gushing about the day out followed by 'you need to put more money in the joint account'
I honestly think this is just a communication breakdown, two tired parents, snapping at each other. I really don't think it's a huge deal that needs over analysing.

[redhat]

What is wrong with spending £120 each time on days out Rhonda is that the DH at least thinks its unaffordable.

As such, two sensible adults would sit down and discuss the finances and not just spend the money without having worked out whether its available to be spent.

[larrygrylls]

Op,

The devil here is in the detail.

Is a 'high earner' £50k or £250k?

Do you have an agreed budget for outings etc that you went beyond?

Are you generally sensible with money?

Does your husband spend a lot on himself?

Whether he is being overly controlling or you are being irresponsible depends on the above.

Does sound a lovely day out, though!

[Letseatgrandma]

The would have been quite a big and nice day out for us-when we go to the theatre (not often) -I'm very excited and talking about it to DH-ooh, it's this Thursday-he he can't wait,etc! Then DH would be well aware what we were doing-which might lead to a discussion about costs/travel/food etc. I probably would have eaten beforehand or taken a picnic and told him this-to which he'd have told me to eat out.

I don't think I would come back telling him anything that would be such a surprise amount-because we talk, you know, in advance-about what we're doing.

[ToxicLadybird]

Is it the money or is it resentment at you all going out and having a nice, expensive day out while he's at work? In our house we save the big days out for weekends so DH can come too.

[Lilacpink40]

OP as ithers have said on here, why not agree a budget, then there will be fewer disagreements?

If you have a total figure for the summer hols (Aug) activities it should be higher than other months, but not at a level to go into major debt. For example, say you budget £80 per week. One week you use vouchers and then go to the beach, library and museum. You spend £20 on a lunch x3 of you. Next week you have £140 as you didn't spend the £60. You have an expensive week and spend £150 to include tickets for event that you can return to over year x4. That's fine, week after you budget for £70, but with view of cheaper week so you can go away camping as family week after.

I'm wondering why he was so angry. Arranging trips and giving DCs experiences over the summer is lovely. Does your DH appreciate what you do with your DCs?

I expect the theatre trips were to see things that DCs really wanted to see, but that an adult may not choose. I have taken mine to kids cinema £8 for 4 early morning older films, but they were desperate to see new film so that was closer to £30. Add in lunch as I'd promised it and up to £55 that day. It balances out as other days we just see friends and they play (soft play £4, cup of tea £1.50).

[PridePrejudiceZombies]

I think the salary is a red herring.

That seems a touch ridiculous, when we've established that they're on an income that could easily make multiple £100+ trips in a short space of time unaffordable. You can't just dismiss something as a red herring when, on the information given, it could easily be the most significant factor in the whole situation.

[FatimaLovesBread]

mouldycheesefan not sure where you've got your figures from but the average income is not £33k. Average family income maybe? So the OPS family income is definitely above average.

[DonkeysDontRideBicycles]

If the only rows you have are about finances then clearly it's an ongoing theme and needs calm discussion.

I notice you say you do little by way of leisure stuff in the ordinary run of things, maybe DH wasn't brought up in the kind of household that saw entertainment or fun as very necessary. Perhaps he enjoyed last week's day out with all of you and somehow felt that was his ration of fun for the month? so hearing about your day out that you orchestrated with other people seemed extravagant by his standards.

I wonder if your DH just has FIL's health situation at the back of his mind and that coupled with hearing about your lovely day out which you had mentioned beforehand but cost more than you expected, made him overreact.

Or perhaps he genuinely worries that this overspend early on in the school holidays will set some sort of pattern. I know you said it was a treat and by far from a regular occurrence. It doesn't sound like he is proposing any draconian measures or inferring the friends you were out with are leading you into bad spending habits or suchlike.

Fwiw my DH usually encouraged us to go and do nice things over the summer but he admitted he got a bit jealous of our free un-timetabled days when he was commuting or stuck in meetings.

Take them to the park, the beach, a free museum. Little kids don't need hundreds spent on them to have good memories.

Fair point but OP said last night Obviously we can find things to do that don't cost money, we take picnics to the beach and stuff. Go for a bike ride, get some books from the library, etc.

[Piemernator]

We really have no idea if £120 is a significant amount of this families budget because we have no idea what their outgoings are. They could be constantly over drawn or have no mortgage. DH mate who is on 150k+ is often overdrawn.

I didn't realise there was quite so much hatred of SAHP of school age DC as mentioned on this thread. It's the best time to be a SAHP as far as I'm concerned. No nappies to change or snotty noses to wipe.

[allthebestplease]

I agree with fairy and tarty.
You aren't spending on yourself, and days out with children are expensive and you don't live a lavish life style.
He his being tight and controlling. You need a proper and reasonable 'family' budget, then a 'personal' budget, then an 'essentials' budget.
Then if you stick to the budget, he can piss off if you have a nice day out for x amount.

[VioletBam]

DH and I both earn...I would never spend more than about 60 quid without checking with him and he wouldn't either!

We both just buy clothing we like...but an item or a day out would be run past the other first.

If I planned to spend the day out, having lunch and theatre of course I'd say to him "I was thinking of doing X...do you mind if I spend about 150 quid?" and he'd say "Of course not!"

OR...he might say "Well we've got to get new shoes for DD on Saturday..." or I might say that...IF there was thought needed towards expenditure!

It's respect...we share everything!