So fed up of dh's attitude to money

[MsAdorabelleDearheartVonLipwig]

Had a lovely day out with the dds today. A real treat, out with friends, nice lunch, trip to the theatre. A lovely day. Came home and told dh all about it and how it was a bit of an extravagant treat and could he top the joint account up for the school holidays and he went up the wall.

Apparently I spend too much. Like I do that sort of thing every day. Then he started bringing other stuff into the row, stuff I'd already paid for with my own money. He's far better off than me and they're not just my children so why are they my financial responsibility when they're off school? He is the breadwinner and pays all the bills, I'm a sahm but I earn a little bit, enough to contribute here and there.

He's a high earner and we don't have any money worries. Well apart from the usual cost of living. He's just had a massive overtime pay cheque. He's not hard up. He says I spend too much - I don't - it's the bloody school holidays and the occasional trip out is nice.

So fed up of the continuous control over the purse strings. Apparently he's 'had to tell me' to reign it in. I've told him he's a miserable fucker who sucks the joy out of life and to fuck off. Why the fuck is it up to him? He's so like his father. He was a tight git too.

How can I move forward? We've just had a massive row. We hardly ever row. Whenever we do though it's about money. We never go out, we don't smoke or drink, we don't drive flash cars, we never go abroad. I buy a bit of pottery because it makes me fucking happy. More so than he does, just lately.

I can't give him too hard a time, I know he's very worried about his dad who's not well but Christ, if I get one more patronising lecture about money I might actually divorce him. I'd be better off if I did, I'd get half the house, the money and the pension!

Well that's still a patronising misogynistic phrase.

It's the sort of thing my ex said. Apparently I contributed nothing to a 20 year marriage. Looking after 2 children for 7 years then returning to work for 13 years didnt count.

I think your husband sounds like a miserable tw&t and I would
Divorce him. My DH is a high earner and I spend what I like, he would love it if me and the kids had enjoyed a day out.
I know I'm lucky but i would hate to be told
What to do financially/controlled.
If he's a high earner you can clearly afford it. He sounds miserable.

There's a 'high earner' and a 'high earner' -the two could be very different!!

I didn't see OP saying she is never planning to work again? Or that she is home with children even though DH was firmly against this.

DH was a SAHD and I was the only earner. All money was joint and he could spend whatever the fuck he wanted for entertaining the kids.

I think the SAHM thing is a bit of a red herring. Often in relationships one person is the big spender, the other more prudent.

In our marriage DH earns more than me (mostly because my career took a back seat when we had DS and I work p/t). He also spends a lot more openly than me, so for example if I take DS to the cinema I'll bring snacks and water whereas he'll happily shell out £10 for pick and mix. I look out for deals and will keep an eye on how much we're spending on a day whereas DH tends not to bother. He'll also be the one to suggest home improvements or replacement of furniture items or cars.

For us it's not a big issue. DH is a high earner , I'm not too shabby and between us our joint income is good. It only becomes a problem if we're trying to economise for any reason. DH would readily spend that much on a day out without counting the pennies, whereas I'd try to pre book reduced seats and use Tesco vouchers to pay for lunch.

I do find it a little annoying when I feel money has been spent needlessly on things I'd get particularly annoyed if it was pottery, particularly if I knew an easy way to reduce the costs, but equally I see my parents penny pinching now even though they do not need to due to generous pensions and I don't want to be like that.

Was the OP's DH expected to top up the joint account with his personal money? If so I can see why he wasn't happy.

Well I put 90% of my wages into the joint and my wife puts 80% of hers in, what is left in our accounts afterwards is personal money to do what we like with. If my wife used the joint account for a day out or something without me and she then expected me to top it up I'd be pissed off too, even more so if she worded it like the OP seemingly did.

We don't have kids and we also don't think all money is family money like I explained above. Every family is different, I'm just saying that I could understand why the husband was upset if they have a set up similar to ours.

Yes but she has said that she earns a bit of money too, what she hasn't said is whether it's her money or whether it goes in the joint.

Lunch and tea out is quite an extravagance £120 for a day out is a lot your husband maybe thinks you are flippant about money and that is why you had a row My dh wouldnt be chuffed if i spent that

We only have the OPs version of events, we don't know what her small contribution is or if it's shared. We don't know if there's a budget for the holidays etc yet it's always the man to blame.

Expecting more money from someone else after blowing the lot in a day is selfish and spoilt. The way the OP is phrased says a lot, is it littke wonder the DH was cross. Lots would be.

I can see both sides here too.

I don't like the attitude of it being "his money" and you having to ask him for extra and him approve spending. HIBU if he sees it that way. It is family money and you have as much right to spend it as he does.

OTOH I also don't agree with the attitude of "DH is a high earner, it doesn't matter if I spend a fair bit on unplanned treats, he's tight if he complains". Actually you are not that rich (sorry!) and you do need to have rules in place - as a family, they apply to DH too - around spending.

I think you need to sit down with DH and work out a family budget - - agree where all your money should be allocated, and what "ad hoc" spending amount is ok before it needs to be discussed with the other person. I think all families ought to do this really, unless they have megabucks.

Just because somebody is a high earner and can afford it that it needs spent imo

Wow, thanks for all the responses. It's certainly food for thought. I'll try and answer some of the questions. 


But we don't know, to be fair, if the OP is a £200 a week Waitrose gal with a gym and nail bar habit to boot. No. The only hobby I have is collecting pottery. It holds it's value and can be reinvested if need be.


It was a one off day out. I wasn't going to stay for the theatre trip but the kids were enjoying themselves. I don't usually spend that much. Today we made use of our English Heritage membership and had a free day out with a picnic.

I didn't waltz in and breezily demand a top up. I asked him nicely. He kicked off and then dragged everything else into it.

I've made £60 today selling a couple of bits of my pottery to a friend.

He's at work. He can't just take time off from his job. He works in a specialist skill and has to organise a day off well in advance. He'd just had a few days off.



It was a joint decision to be a sahp. We don't have any grandparents or any other childcare so yes they are at primary school but jobs in school hours are a little hard to come by. They still need taking and collecting. I do a couple of menial part time jobs and I'm also a volunteer on two village groups. I also volunteer at the school, which is where one of my part time jobs is based. 



We live in the sticks. It's not a bad salary for round here. 


Our outgoings aren't very high. He has savings and investments and the kids have savings accounts.


His earnings go into his account first and he transfers some into a joint account. What he does with the rest of his money I have no idea, it's clear that it's none of my business. I've asked him where it goes but he doesn't tell me. 

He will regularly make big purchases without telling me. We currently have a £500 water softener languishing in the garage that he's had for months and hasn't bothered to fit. Apparently he needs a second bike, despite never riding the one he's got.

I bank online and can tell you what's in the joint account down to the last penny. I know how much all the direct debits are for and arranged them all to go out on the first of the month so I know what's left. I probably know it better than he does. I think he assumes he has enough to cover everything. I had a budget in mind but got a bit carried away.

We don't get child benefit. It was costing too much in tax so we stopped it.

I'm allowed to keep what I earn. It's a pittance compared to his earnings. I usually spend it on the kids. Possibly a small bit of pottery for me. So when I'd overspent I asked him to help out.

Obviously I was joking about the divorce. Christ. 


And we certainly don't try and have a champagne lifestyle. I wouldn't know what that was.

Maybe I do take him for granted but that also works both ways. I do all the childcare, shopping, cooking, housework, dog training, etc. He'll do odd bits if he's about but it's mostly my responsibility. Which is fine, if I'm home and I've got time, he works much longer hours than I do.

I'll have another read through and see if I've missed anything.

What he does with the rest of his money I have no idea, it's clear that it's none of my business. I've asked him where it goes but he doesn't tell me. 

He will regularly make big purchases without telling me.

Oooh ok you've got me fully on side now. This is not how families are supposed to work. You are his wife not his child or employee who he gives an allowance.

I don't ask where my wife's left over money goes.

It sounds like his outburst had built up not that i think he should be throwing stuff back in your face but i think you both need to talk about this.

Tbf I don't tell dh where my left over money goes. It's my left over money.

However he does sound like a twunt. Do you have similar amounts of 'own' money?

Me and dh do, which is why it works. But everything for the kids comes out of the joint account too.

You need to talk about this. How much money you spend on the kids, how much he has left etc.

Neither dh or me would have joint and separate money if it meant one hardly had anything and what they do have goes on the kids.

That just doesn't work.

Since it sounds like he didn't know you were going to theatre as well (you said you weren't staying for that) I can see why it came as a shock. And yes if I was spending £120 and expecting it to come out of joint finances or needing dh to add to it, I would have run it past dh.

But the whole set up sounds wrong to me.

We don't have kids and I can't work for health reasons. We have a joint account and my husband wouldn't bat an eyelid if I spent money on an occasional treat. If I spent money like water then sure, he'd be upset but he wouldn't be concerned an occasional expensive treat. If I had to go cap in hand and say, "please sir may I?" I'd feel even more ill.

This thread is all about context and from what the OP has written, her DH is being unreasonable. The money is their money. The OP hasn't gone out and bought a £120 pair of shoes for herself that they couldn't afford. She has spent it on their children. Obviously, if debt is an issue then that puts a different slant on things but as things stand I don't think that the OP has done anything wrong.

"We don't get child benefit. It was costing too much in tax so we stopped it. "

I thought that if you earn over £50k and claim CB, the tax is the exact amount that is paid out! So if you received CB, it would be the exact amount that you received that would be taxed from your DH?

And that unless he earns £60k+ you would be entitled to some CB? Because it decreases by 10% for every £1k over £50k up until the £60k threshold?

So either he actually earns £60k plus, or you have turned down some benefit that you were entitled to - and that income that was paid to you has been stopped rather than come out of HIS salary?