So fed up of dh's attitude to money

[MsAdorabelleDearheartVonLipwig]

Had a lovely day out with the dds today. A real treat, out with friends, nice lunch, trip to the theatre. A lovely day. Came home and told dh all about it and how it was a bit of an extravagant treat and could he top the joint account up for the school holidays and he went up the wall.

Apparently I spend too much. Like I do that sort of thing every day. Then he started bringing other stuff into the row, stuff I'd already paid for with my own money. He's far better off than me and they're not just my children so why are they my financial responsibility when they're off school? He is the breadwinner and pays all the bills, I'm a sahm but I earn a little bit, enough to contribute here and there.

He's a high earner and we don't have any money worries. Well apart from the usual cost of living. He's just had a massive overtime pay cheque. He's not hard up. He says I spend too much - I don't - it's the bloody school holidays and the occasional trip out is nice.

So fed up of the continuous control over the purse strings. Apparently he's 'had to tell me' to reign it in. I've told him he's a miserable fucker who sucks the joy out of life and to fuck off. Why the fuck is it up to him? He's so like his father. He was a tight git too.

How can I move forward? We've just had a massive row. We hardly ever row. Whenever we do though it's about money. We never go out, we don't smoke or drink, we don't drive flash cars, we never go abroad. I buy a bit of pottery because it makes me fucking happy. More so than he does, just lately.

I can't give him too hard a time, I know he's very worried about his dad who's not well but Christ, if I get one more patronising lecture about money I might actually divorce him. I'd be better off if I did, I'd get half the house, the money and the pension!

[Tartyflette]

I'm shocked at how many people think this is acceptable behaviour by the OP's husband, as if he is entitled to control her spending. He clearly sees it as his money - but isn't it family money?
She said they can afford it, her DH is a high earner. Surely both partners, irrespective of financial contribution, they should have equal access to the family money; the contribution of a SAHP to the family and household is at least of equal value.
OP, your DH sounds extremely controlling over money and I would be concerned that this could tip over into financial abuse. In addition, meanness is a highly unattractive personality trait. I can see why you are sleeping on the sofa tonight!
And your DH he would have to spend almost six figures per annum if he had to hire a cook/nanny/housekeeper/chauffeur to do the work that a SAHP typically does.
My DH and I agree that any money either of us bring into the household is all family money, to be used for any and all individual, joint and household needs. Over the years this has included inheritances, smallish windfalls and chunky redundancy money, and has held through periods when I've been the major earner or when he has.

[Lilacpink40]

He earns over £50k and isn't happy about £120 on 3x theatre tickets and 6x meals!

Doesn't add up. Is he stressed about work and needs a break?

Is your mortgage (bills) extremely expensive?

[FabFiveFreddie]

I have sympathy with you when it comes to making joint decisions about your joint lives: children, jobs, housing, money. I've never understood the his money/my money thing when there are kids involved.

However, without knowing your full financial situation and only assuming it's normal (eg you have a mortgage, no SN expenses etc), spending £120 'just like that' is quite something. Not saying that salary can't manage that much on a day out, but it ought to be budgeted for.

And it kind of gives the game away when you compare yourself to those who run Range Rovers/ have cleaners/ foreign holidays. Our household income is some multiples of yours (but live in high mortgage area albeit no other big expenses) and those things are not a given for us by any means. The phrase "champagne lifestyle on beer budget" springs to mind.

Anyhow, that's mostly conjecture as I don't know your exact situation. He shouldn't be patronizing you, you shouldn't be spending so much 'just like that'.

[MarriedinMaui]

It's not his money, it's family member money if you are a SAHM. Can you sit down together and have a chat about what your financial goals are? Write down any debts, investments, talk about any savings goals, pension plans, discuss a family budget to aim for together. You need a joint plan with agreed goals.

[FrizzyPig]

Why don't you sit down with your husband and see where all the money goes.

You might be surprised how much is left after housing/ bills/ food/ car/ savings etc.

I am the main breadwinner in my household and while I don't earn 50k I do earn in the 40s. I am constantly having to say 'no' to my DP about spending as he has no idea how many direct debits I have for essentials and then how little we are left with.

It's frustrating, not because it's 'my' money that I've earned, but because his expectations of what we can afford are so unrealistic. £120 on an unexpected day out would have to come out of our food budget and I would not be impressed.

[LilacInn]

And your DH he would have to spend almost six figures per annum if he had to hire a cook/nanny/housekeeper/chauffeur to do the work that a SAHP typically does.

Statements like this don't really advance the discussion. They just make SAHP look ridiculously out of touch with reality.

In the first place, few lone parents employ cooks, drivers, housekeepers or even nannies. In the absence of an SAHM this father probably would rely on childminders, convenience foods etc. as most single parents do.

Furthermore, any household staffers would be paid a fixed wage and he would not be providing their bed, board, food, transportation, clothing, phone, entertainment, travel, retirement savings etc. - let alone discretionary spending money. i wish SAHP would deduct what they COST the breadwinner when they are arguing about all of the vast sums they SAVE the breadwinner. And that is assuming the breadwinner would even choose to have children.

The "family money" concept is all fine and well though I notice it's usually the non/low-wage-earner who argues for this. The person actually slogging out 5 or more days a week to obtain the majority of the income that provides for everyone's needs probably would appreciate a little more respect for the effort involved to earn her or his wages. And fundamentally she or he does call the shots, however it may make the SAHPerson squirm to realize that. If I were making the money to support multiple dependents, I surely would not be passive about how it were spent.

No one in this scenario is being denied basics and it's absurd to imply that the breadwinner is somehow abusive or high-handed in wanting a little restraint when it comes to luxuries and discretionary spending. There are plenty of free activities for children on school holidays.

[Piemernator]

But the point is it wasn't a joint decision it was spent without agreement. So whilst he shouldn't control as such there should be a discussion on how family money is spent. This is the exact reason why DH and I have seperate accounts.

[AmIbeingTreasonable]

You have a controlling and possibly financially abusive husband. He thinks he is superior to you because he earns the money.
Does he also have more leisure time than you?

[HeartsTrumpDiamonds]

If your kids are in school why are you a SAHM?

[HeartsTrumpDiamonds]

I mean, for your own good, the longer you stay out of the workforce, the harder it is to re-enter it. Especially if you want to stay at or near the level you were at when you left.

[HeartsTrumpDiamonds]

[Savagebeauty]

My ex was like this.
Note *ex".
Happy to go out for meals, theatre etc but when it came to paying the credit card bill, would be "how much?"
This man had a £1.5 million pension, 2 companies and total financial control over me. Emotionally and financially abusive.

[ExtraHotLatteToGo]

It doesn't matter how much it was, if I felt it was affordable for our family then I'd do it. There's no way I'd be 'asking' if I could take my children out.

Why is he better off then you? That's all kinds of wrong as far as I'm concerned.

[Mrskeats]

I can are both sides here.
First I wouldn't regard 50,000 as a high earner in this day and age. If you don't work (why is this?) then it has to cover everything so the reality may be that you have less money for leisure than you think.
I think all money should be regarded as family money and you should both have a full picture of your financial position and budget for entertainment etc.
As others have said he may be a bit careful with money and 120 is a lot for a day out.
More discussion about money and shared goals is the way to avoid all this conflict.

[Tartyflette]

Wow, Lilac . You sound a little bitter about something.
The 'worth' of a SAHP to the family in purely monetary terms is regularly calculated by the financial press, and the rough figure I quoted was one I recall seeing a few years ago. so it's probably even higher now
And in my experience it's by no means a given that the lower earning partner argues the case for 'family' money. Many couples feel strongly they are a partnership and are happy to share the income no matter who earns most, perhaps in recognition of the lower-earning partner's contribution to the running of the family, without which the higher earning partner may find it considerably more difficult to hold down their job.
Among many of my circle of family and friends, mostly married professionals with older or grownup children, the concept of pooling incomes seems the norm. In our own case not only did I contribute slightly more to the pot than my DH did overall, it was also my idea in the first place, probably because it was how my parents operated and it had worked well for them.
But you have to trust your partner, of course. And not be weird about money. Perhaps we are lucky in that respect.
And, as an aside, quite a few the people I know who employ staff nannies or housekeeper/handyman couples for the most part DO provide accommodation for them.

[MimiSunshine]

£50k pa is actually £36k after tax assuming he doesn't also pay student loan / into s pension. That's then split between you as he's (Pretty much) the sole earner.

If you worked full time and were paid £25k pa so took home £1,600 a month (and your DH did you'd be better off as a family as you'd have a higher household income - less tax) and had to pay half the bills etc would you choose to splurge the same amount on a whim?

I don't think he's unreasonable to be annoyed about the amount and the manner it was presented to him but j do think you need to discuss finances / available fun money and a budget for all activities including those with and without him (doesn't mean you need to present receipts)

[VioletBam]

50k isn't an awful lot OP. Bills are high these days.

[WhisperingLoudly]

OP you presumably have a good idea of what's affordable for your family and if that falls within the scope of that amount your DH is being an arse.

As a family I strongly believe resources should be pooled. I've been a SAHM and I'm now the sole earner. My DH has access to whatever I have access to.

[Mrskeats]

Reported again Donald
Go and troll somewhere else pls

[MiracletoCome]

I would be horrified if I was working and doing overtime, you mention a large overtime payment and my DH went out on a jolly for the day and spent £120 and thought it was a treat. £50k+ is not a lot if if it is family income, do you work at all. If he is doing overtime then that is less family time he can have for jollies like this.

[APlaceOnTheCouch]

Considering we have no idea where OP lives, we have no idea how far £50k goes so I am confused at all the '£50k isn't a lot' posts.
I don't know if you are extravagant OP. But there is a definite imbalance when your DP can spend £150 on a whim but you're supposed to ask permission. Unless you have form for disastrously mismanaging money, he is being controlling and financially abusive.
It may be time to remind him that he is not his dad or your dad. Ask him if you can work out a budget together for summer spending (but I have a feeling he will refuse because it's not about money, it's about control).

[ButtMuncher]

We bring home about 55-60k with no massive overheads but as a soon to be SAHM (well, maternity leave mainly) I would balk at spending that amount of money without clearing it first. It's not about asking permission to me, it's about being considerate that £120 is a large sum to siphoned out on one day in a 6 week holiday that is enjoyed whilst the earner of said money may like to have joined too, but was just 'at work'.

Sorry, I would just expect and be expected to at least inform my DP of a large spend like that - and tbh, I would understand if he was fucked off with me for doing so as he'd probably want to come too - which, being joint money, wouldn't be an unreasonable request. I certainly wouldn't be saying 'love, top up the fund pot' and would expect, if we had a joint account (we don't) for him to only account for necessities for the next week or so.

[ButtMuncher]

However if DH has ongoing form for financial control I see the issue - just on this circumstance alone, I wouldn't say he was being overly controlling.