So fed up of dh's attitude to money

[MsAdorabelleDearheartVonLipwig]

Had a lovely day out with the dds today. A real treat, out with friends, nice lunch, trip to the theatre. A lovely day. Came home and told dh all about it and how it was a bit of an extravagant treat and could he top the joint account up for the school holidays and he went up the wall.

Apparently I spend too much. Like I do that sort of thing every day. Then he started bringing other stuff into the row, stuff I'd already paid for with my own money. He's far better off than me and they're not just my children so why are they my financial responsibility when they're off school? He is the breadwinner and pays all the bills, I'm a sahm but I earn a little bit, enough to contribute here and there.

He's a high earner and we don't have any money worries. Well apart from the usual cost of living. He's just had a massive overtime pay cheque. He's not hard up. He says I spend too much - I don't - it's the bloody school holidays and the occasional trip out is nice.

So fed up of the continuous control over the purse strings. Apparently he's 'had to tell me' to reign it in. I've told him he's a miserable fucker who sucks the joy out of life and to fuck off. Why the fuck is it up to him? He's so like his father. He was a tight git too.

How can I move forward? We've just had a massive row. We hardly ever row. Whenever we do though it's about money. We never go out, we don't smoke or drink, we don't drive flash cars, we never go abroad. I buy a bit of pottery because it makes me fucking happy. More so than he does, just lately.

I can't give him too hard a time, I know he's very worried about his dad who's not well but Christ, if I get one more patronising lecture about money I might actually divorce him. I'd be better off if I did, I'd get half the house, the money and the pension!

[Badders123]

The chap told me my claim remained "open" so it would show that I was entitled to get CB which would mean my NI would be protected for those years, even though I wasn't actually receiving a payment.
I will try and find the letter they sent me.

[tribpot]

Badders, your DH might find he ends up getting some tax back if he does a self-assessment. There's nothing to stop you actually filling the form in for him (he would need to log in to the website).

However, you do still need to claim as the website says, even if you opt not to receive a payment. It sounds like that the situation you're in, where you used to claim and have now opted out? What would happen if you just started claiming again, I wonder?

[Badders123]

Sigh
I will look.into it
I'm pretty pissed of with dh about it Tbh

[Cabrinha]

I think you might have been advised wrongly because they says about 2 children under 18. AfAIK, the NI credit protection for child caring only applies up to age 12. So if you were told 18 then the person doesn't sound well informed.
I haven't checked it personally, but it is all over .gov.uk websites that you should still claim CB even if you tick no payment.
Perhaps it's the simplest rather than the only way?
I'd be checking it out for myself if I were you - I'd want to know exactly what proof was covering you. You can prove you had children, but far more of a faff to prove you were their carer.

Actually, that reminds me that my cousin had her CB stopped by accident. Ended up with back payment and no-one being able to explain why they stopped it! She had to get a letter from her children's school to say that she was known to them (through drop offs, parent meeting etc) as being their carer.

[Badders123]

Hang on
I was told by CB people that my NI contributions would still be protected even though Iwas longer claiming as records showed I have 2 children under 18 ..dh refused to do the self assessment thing (because hes a twat) so gives me what I would have received from CB into my account each month
Have I been advised wrongly?

[tribpot]

We're exactly the same, 43. The CB is paid to DH and then I pay it back via the self-assessment tax return. It's no big deal. In years where I've had a couple of months between jobs I've gone under the threshold and not paid it back. I find I usually save a few quid anyway as on my tax return I can declare my Gift Aid contributions and that lowers my tax bill.

He certainly isn't paying 'more' tax because of CB. He's just paying back what's been given to you.

[43percentburnt]

Hmm. Child benefit - my DH claims it to protect his NI credits (sahd). I then pay it back via self assessment. It works out that I pay back exactly what he receives but it means if, for any reason (redundancy), my income fell below 60k one year we wouldn't pay back the full amount.

The fact he thinks he is entitled to buy bikes etc but moans about this and doesn't tell you what he earns makes me think he is an arse. If he hasn't protected your NI credits he's very selfish.

[KatharinaRosalie]

Sorry but after putting money in the joint account he doesn't have to have a conversation about what he has left over as his spending money - she has to report exactly what she spends money on, though?

also, I would not be surprised if DH is earning a lot more than the 50K OP knows about.

[BlueFolly]

OP, I think a lot of people are jealous of SAHPs, and a lot of people are jealous of those on 50K and a lot of people on more than 50K will have seen your '50K is a high earner' comment as a bit 'jumped up'. So you are getting it from all sides.

Is your DH great in other ways?

[Whathaveilost]

This cartoon reminded me of this thread!

[NeedAnotherGlass]

Sorry but after putting money in the joint account he doesn't have to have a conversation about what he has left over as his spending money
I find the whole concept of "his spending money", which is private and not open for discussion, quite bizarre in a marriage.
They are a family, they're in it together.

[Bambamrubblesmum]

I can see both sides here. I think both the OP and her husband feel like they are being taken for granted. The OP because as a SAHM she does the day-to-day stuff and the DH because it's expected that he will just keep filling the coffers up.

I personally think a sit down financial review is overdue. It maybe possible that there are hidden debts that the OP isnt aware of that are causing worry and stress.

[gandalf456]

Hi Helena. No, he's shut up about that now. I think, like many men if talking to other women is to go by, he needs 'educating.'

Back to £50K, a lot of people are saying it's not a lot of money. Yes and no. It depends on your outgoings but it's safe to say it's pretty comfortable and certainly not hard up and OP earns a bit here and there, too, so it's not as if she's not contributing something financially. I'm sure a lot of people would dream of earning this amount. We don't earn this much combined and we still manage.

With regards to overtime, is that a mutual agreement or has your DH taken it upon himself to do a lot of overtime because he stresses about money? I think that in itself makes all the difference. I would find it hard to believe OP is sending him out to do it and, actually, if you do have a partner who works long hours then it is quite lonely and you do need some sort of activity to break the days up a bit.

[Whathaveilost]

I find the whole set up odd and to be honest that of quite a few MNs

I only earn around 30 grand (+ extras) and DHs earns more than me but he is self employed and owns a coupled companies.
At the moment we are quite well off but this hasn't always been the case .

What works for us is a business account (DHs) a joint account and several saving accounts.
I pay about £1100 into joint and DH pays about the same. All standing orders are paid including £900 into savings.

Everyday DH leaves mome out for me, usually about 29 -30 quid for daytime expense.
I put money into my own savings and DH puts into his account.
I have spent similar money and asked for more when I used to do loads odiferous stuff with the boys. DH didn't care but doubt time with the boys asking about their day, their favourite foods, best bit of the day etc.

I couldn't do with someone beinig grumpy with me!

[LilacInn]

Brava, Peggy. My thoughts exactly.

[peggyundercrackers]

Sorry but after putting money in the joint account he doesn't have to have a conversation about what he has left over as his spending money. OP has already said he puts quite a lot of his salary in the joint account but after agreeing their budget she still wants more. As others have pointed out 36k doesn't go that far...

[HelenaDove]

The OP doesnt know whats in the bank because her H hasnt told her.

So the OPS DH isnt telling her that and deciding not to have a conversation about it so she is only doing the same.


I do realize though that she needs to grow a penis to get away with that in your world peggy.

[peggyundercrackers]

The suggestions of financial abuse are ludicrous. 50k isn't a lot of money for a family of 4. No matter that OP thinks they can afford it the truth is she doesn't know if they can afford it because she doesn't know what's in the bank.

I think I'd be a little pissed off that I was working all hours God sends to earn overtime but then someone else took the attitude that because I've earned more they can spend more - the words off and fuck come to mind, especially when there is no conversation about it.

[clerquin]

You need a frank discussion about family finances. It doesn't sound as if the joint account has sufficient funds to cover the inevitable increased summer expenditure of the school holidays. It's not unreasonable to have an open chat about your joint incoming and outgoings and a budget for entertaining the kids during the summer. You need to agree on what you can afford as a family and what your priorities are.

We have a household income over twice yours and my self imposed 'entertaining' the kids at home budget is around £50 pw. I have always managed the household finances from the day we moved in together post graduation, pre DC. I control EVERYTHING bar DH's work pensions which I have online access to. I also manage our savings and investments on top of administrating the bills. We have discussions over major expenditure which in reality is anything over £150.This may seem ridiculous in light of the fact that we do have a significant amount of disposable monthly income but it has not always been so. I am hugely more prudent than DH so it's just as well that I handle all the finances. In the past, we used to have a family meal out every weekend and easily spent £70/£80 a go. Excluding the school holidays, we've cut it right down to overpay the mortgage instead. We're in our mid/late forties and have technically paid off our mortgage earlier on this year. This has freed up a substantial amount of income that I have relaxed my natural tendency to save and have planned and booked a holiday to Florida in a fortnight.There are rewards for the thrifty!.

Seriously, it pays to be totally on top of your household finances - any secrecy or lack of openness will only lead to more resentment on your part.

[HelenaDove]

Lilac Care homes are usually full night shifts. This doesnt sound like the sort of DH who would look after his own DC at night AND then some of the day so the OP can then sleep And thats if he hasnt got to go to work himself.

When i worked nights years ago i worked with a woman in this kind of position.

She worked 10 hour night shifts but then had to be awake during the day for a toddler.

She started taking drugs to cope with it and became addicted.



gandalf i remember your previous thread, Is he still being a dick about your weight as well?

[gandalf456]

Op, if you didn't have children you would be working full time. The reason why you are not is because you do have children. His children

My dh can be like this. He'd never admit it but he resents me being at home. I do work around 20-30 hrs per week but it's shifts so it seems less than it is. I earn a third of his income but pretty much cover the kids' stuff when I'm there and he does when I work. He still moans about what I spend though. Hr probably would not if i did 40+hrs like him and earned a Hal decent salary but I can't do that while I have holidays and after school to cover. The whole reason he CAN do full time I because I am holding the fort at home. Aprt from my financial contribution, that's the rest of it. If he wanted ALl the contribution to be financial the choice is no kids or extortionate childcare costs and they still do cost a lot when at school!

[sealmane]

Agree with Atilla and others. I think alot of the posts sound bizarre, jealous and unpleasant to be honest, but MN does get like that sometimes .

I feel for the OP. When DH kicked off about extra spending money on day out without his "permission" did he miss out the bit where he forgets to ask for "permission" to spend £500 on a stupid water filter that has not been used, or permission for a second bike he doesn't need, or indeed anything at all .

No specific advice for Adoreabella. But agree with others all the hiding and probable lying doesn't sound good.

[PridePrejudiceZombies]

OP and family live in the sticks dragoneggs, so I'd be wary of assuming there are a multitude of options out there when it comes to childcare.

[Blu]

And two full time jobs does not solve the issue of secrecy and communication around who is 'allowed' what.

The amount of money does not seem to be an issue in this family. The OP says they live well and comfortably. The DH spends big amounts going out and on uneccessry domestic appliances (without consulting his wife). HOW money is managed and viewed is the problem, not how much.

[Blu]

Yes, Dragons, I know they could.
I am just pointing out that ANY solution and way forwards will require equal teamwork , ownership and trust. Including taking responsibility for childcare. Childcare does not magic itself out of thin air and both working parents need to know that covering sick days, when a child cannot go to nursery, minder or play scheme is an equal and shared responsibility. The DH does not seem to view any family resource in this way.

Anyway, We don't know that the DH (or the OP) in the OP is in favour of this, and you are speculating on his feelings.