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Original poster

Sex Survey

222 replies

Nothorny · 24/05/2002 19:28

I'll try to put this in a nutshell. DH is worried that everyone else out there is having loads of sex after having had a baby and that we are "abnormal". DS is six months old, first child. I know all the reasons as to why we are not having sex and am confident we shall pick up again soon, once the breast feeding has stopped, we get more people to help us and therefore have more time, are less tired, etc etc you know the score.

ANYWAY, could you lot please just let my poor old dh know when you started having sex again and how often (roughly!)say for the first year. I am sure we are not alone in our sexual desert but it would reassure dh greatly if he heard it from all your horses' mouths. Thank you so much. Of course, all you amazing people who bonk five times a week and have done since a week after the birth, do let us know too. Thanks. Oh I've used a different pseudonym BTW.

OP posts:
Tinker · 24/05/2002 19:31

Well, if you mean sex with the child's father, er, nearly 6 years and counting

WideWebWitch · 24/05/2002 19:36

Funny nickname! OK, after ds was born (now ex) DH and I had sex at six weeks but only because I wanted to try before the six week GP check. Looking back, what was I on??!! We then didn't really have sex again for another six months, then perhaps once or twice in the next six. Then we split up. Hmmm, wonder if there's a connection

cherry · 24/05/2002 19:37

In the first year I would say I probably had sex a couple of times a month, but not at all in the first four months because I never had the time or the need to! Dd is 4 now and its more or less every day now, but she is at playgroup am and nursery pm, and neither of us work thru the day!

mog · 24/05/2002 19:40

We were just the same, I couldn't get my head around b/feeding and sex. It was like they were for my dd's and only them. It will get back to normal, tell him not to worry. Ours took approx a yr to get back to normal, stopped b/f'ing dd no.1 at 9m and took a while for boobs to settle down. Dd no.2 took about 8m to get back to normal, not b/f'ing as she had cleft palate but under stress etc due to her surgery. So it does take time. I'm amazed anyone gets it together at all, being a parent is truly exhausting!

ks · 24/05/2002 20:25

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

ScummyMummy · 24/05/2002 20:33

Yeah Cherry- that's not fair!
My libido left town for a good while after the joys of bearing children. It did come back after eventually though, Nothorny, so reassure your dh that sooner or later you will be changing your username to Fairlyhornywhennotexhausted. Or maybe cherry2 if you're really lucky!

leander · 24/05/2002 22:25

I dont know what to say but we're actually having more sex now than ever!!I think its got something to do with me not being on the pill anymore due to medical reasons.I've totally got my libido back,its like when Dh and i were courting well not that good.

Demented · 24/05/2002 22:36

We had a go once DS was 3 months. It wasn't the best of experiences for me but I think it was psychological and just a case of getting over that first hurdle so to speak. Agree with all the others about breastfeeding, there was no access allowed to that department, they were DS'. Can anyone tell me if the sex and breastfeeding thing gets any better once the baby is older and only having a couple of feeds a day? I would like to feed this baby for longer this time. My DH currently doesn't understand my disinterest in sex due to pregnancy, now 38 wks and he keeps suggesting we give it a go to try to start labour! Anyway Nothorny, let your DH know he is not alone, my DH is always telling me we don't meet the national average for bonking!!!

SofiaAmes · 24/05/2002 23:32

I don't think there is a dh who doesn't think they aren't getting as much sex as "everyone else." On the breastfeeding....I found sex very painful until I weaned my son to one feed a day at 11 months. And yes, my husband complained constantly (to anyone who would listen...hence I haven't bothered with the pseudonym as I'm sure the whole world already knows the intimate details of our (no)sex life). After weaning everything went back to normal (which is not every day...cherry how old are you? I don't every day has happened since my teens).

cherry · 24/05/2002 23:35

is it really that unusual? I'm unusually horny at the minute so dh thinks I'm pregnant. Leander: I had to stop taking the pill because had really bad side effects and its definately improved things for us too!

Demented · 25/05/2002 08:50

Thanks SofiaAmes, I don't think I'll tell my DH mind you, I would like to feed this baby for at least a year and I don't think he would take the news well.

I have to agree with everyone else who said coming off the pill helped. This definately helped me.

sobernow · 25/05/2002 09:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

mears · 25/05/2002 12:06

Am I the only woman on mumsnet who did not find breastfeeding detrimental to my sex life? I actually felt sexier with my larger endowments and my ds certainly liked them. Mind you he did avoid getting too close if he thought there was a risk of ingestion

mines · 25/05/2002 14:06

Breastfeeding and exhaustion cut us back to around once a week - I couldn't get interested in the evenings, so hurrah for weekends and long lunchtime naps for babies!

In retrospect, probably started again too soon (two weeks post delivery) which meant my hormones were in a bit of a mess. Everything getting much better now though (17 weeks in), and the prospects of actually wanting sex two (three?)times a week no longer seems remote.

But I have had it relatively easy, so I wouldn't use my experience as any sort of benchmark.

Original poster
Nothorny · 25/05/2002 16:18

This is great, thanks everyone for your candour. Any more experiences gratefully received.

Things are different for everyone I know, but it is good to have confirmation that you are not alone no matter what your experience. Except maybe Cherry?!! Lucky woman. I think we go through such different experiences to our partners at this time that it is no wonder we can sometimes have very different needs.

OP posts:
Janus · 25/05/2002 18:51

Just reading the Times magazine and some woman has written a new sex book and put it, I think, in a nutshell. (something like) 'it is not quantity but quality when it comes to sex, some people only have sex once a month but is fantastic, better this than lots of average'. I guess some men would possibly like lots of average!! We started again at around 3 months but it is not, even now (dd 22 months old), as often as it used to be BUT when we do it is fantastic (!) as it does seem like a real treat for both of us to be awake and horny at the same time!!

Art · 25/05/2002 22:23

ds is nearly a year and we've managed sex about 5 times! Firstly - too tired, then too painful, then back to work so no energy, and dh works nights so we hardly see each other, then relationship starts to suffer so not then either.... hoping we are now just getting back to normal and looking forward to the summer holiday when we might have a bit of time together.

This might not be what your dh wanted to hear, but hope it reassures you!

Bozza · 25/05/2002 22:46

We first did managed after about 12 weeks and at 5 am! Amazingly we both woke up and DS slept and we were not exhausted. I did have a big mental thing about it at first, and also found some positions painful as well as intitial penetration but gradually that side as disappeared. I didn't find breatfeeding an issue - although DH did and kept well clear of that area. However with DS at 15 months we are still only managing about 2/3 times a month and I feel this is not enough (ie frustrated).

Rhubarb · 25/05/2002 23:30

I was so sore after birth of dd that it was well over six months before we were able to have sex again. He did a lot of moaning and at one point suggested that he just "stick it in there as it's bound to be psychological"! Obviously I made sure his bits were out of action for some time after that and I can assure you that it wasn't just psychological either!

Men do tend to have this hangup about sex don't they? Just tell him to shove a melon up his arse then ask him if he feels like having sex! Or get your doctor (mine offered to do this!) to write him a note saying "This lady cannot have sexual intercourse until (insert date) due to severe lacerations on labila, tearing of vaginal wall, descent of bladder and bruised vaginal muscles. He will be so appauled by the technicality of it all he won't want to discuss it for months! Or whenever he feels frisky, start discussing what views he had when your child was born, bound to put him off!

Honestly can't he amuse himself!!

LiamsMum · 26/05/2002 01:53

Lol Rhubarb, the note from the doctor sounds like a great idea. Men are unbelievable sometimes... if he's that desperate, tell him he's got a perfectly good hand that can do the job. It sounds crude but at least it might stop them from hassling you about it for a while!!! My dh and dh's brother both had a vasectomy within a few months of each other, and they were both miserable for about a week afterwards... they both complained bitterly of the pain and my sil and I were secretly amused, because now they just might have some understanding of what women have to go through.

susanmt · 26/05/2002 07:47

Gosh - I am amazed at everyone's frankness! My ds is 4 months now and we have a dughter of 2. We manage maybe once a week.
And how can I put this delicatley?? Are there other things you could do together that would give him some satisfaction, but cause you no pain? IFKWIM????

KMG · 26/05/2002 11:41

Liamsmum - When do they STOP whinging about the vasectomy? My dh had the snip this week, and I was surprised what we've all had to put up with! It was his suggestion in the first place, though I'm delighted, but crikey, talk about milking it for all it's worth!

indisguiseforthis · 26/05/2002 12:17

Sex???Whaah, no thanks.
My baby is 3m old and we haven't had sex since the CONCEPTION never mind the birth!

drippy · 26/05/2002 13:20

I've also changed my name to add my comments (what a weed) to this thread. We had sex twice during pregnancy (dh went off the idea of it, I have an inkling he was frightened of doing it because I had a slight bleed early on) and I didn't feel like it straight after the birth, got out of the habit and now only have sex say once every 6 months. I should make more of an effort but over time I feel less & less like it.

Eulalia · 26/05/2002 16:41

I don't understand why breastfeeding should put you off sex. Does this mean that women who bottle feed have more sex? I don't think so. I think it is just the general tiredness of of looking after a baby and perhaps other kids.

Having been with DH for 12 years the sexual side of our relationship is somewhat depleted but in other ways it is much stronger. I think less sex is due to many reasons - getting used to someone, kids, work, lack of time, tiredness, being too cold in the winter, being on the Internet ....! etc etc...

These surveys are obviously not to be trusted. For a start how do you confirm that they are true? That people do have sex say 2/3 times a week - well folk would say that wouldn't they? And anyway who cares? And does it matter?