Sex Survey

[Nothorny]

I'll try to put this in a nutshell. DH is worried that everyone else out there is having loads of sex after having had a baby and that we are "abnormal". DS is six months old, first child. I know all the reasons as to why we are not having sex and am confident we shall pick up again soon, once the breast feeding has stopped, we get more people to help us and therefore have more time, are less tired, etc etc you know the score.

ANYWAY, could you lot please just let my poor old dh know when you started having sex again and how often (roughly!)say for the first year. I am sure we are not alone in our sexual desert but it would reassure dh greatly if he heard it from all your horses' mouths. Thank you so much. Of course, all you amazing people who bonk five times a week and have done since a week after the birth, do let us know too. Thanks. Oh I've used a different pseudonym BTW.

indisguiseforthis - Me too! (Not had sex since conception) Except DD is 6 months old... (name change too - sorry.)

Had to give up sex when I was 6m preg as I had placenta praevia so I was well up for it after the baby was born! Had sex 3 weeks after the birth - extremely gently to avoid pain to C-section scar! Don't know what went on in my nether regions during those 9 months but sex seems to have vastly improved in every way since dd was born. I do think the contraceptive method you use affects things - the pill is a right old libido-killer (maybe that's how it really works!) Now on the coil (mirena one) and everything seems fine.

Rhubarb, you just made me laugh so much I cried!!
Just thinking back and my partner was terrified of my ever-growing bump when I was pregnant and pretty much wasn't up for sex from about 6 months, I, ironically, was never hornier!! He's probably kicked himself many a times over that one!!
Eulalia, I think breastfeeding does produce some hormone to kick in which leaves you with a lower sex drive which does go away again once you stop. I'm sure I remember people talking about this, so there is actually a medical reason. Also with breastfeeding you are, on the whole, the person who gets up at all hours of the night to feed the baby and at least your partner could take over if bottle-feeding which could leave you a little less exhausted and so more likely to be up for a bit of sex. I also had big, leaky breasts and wore those bloody breast pads for months and I sometimes used to catch sight of myself in the middle of the night in the mirror and want to pee myself laughing at how bloody unattractive I looked, hardly inspires you to be a sex-god!!
Nothorny, if you have family or good friends to help out in the coming months then do take advantage of this. I do still think that half the battle is just getting time to be a couple again. Good luck.

Eulalia, the sex while breastfeeding problem is a hormonal issue. I had NO natural lubrication at all and the creams/gels just didn't do. It is a pretty normal phenomenom while breastfeeding.
Liamsmum and KMG, men are just beyond hope...my husband had a vasectomy reversal (a much bigger deal than the vasectomy is) to get me pregnant. He was under general anaesthetic for two hours, had a 5 inch slice up his scrotom with bleeding stitches, bed ridden for a week and under strict instructions not to have sex for at least 6 weeks and still insisted on testing it out 3 days after the operation. He then used the "I had to suffer to have this baby too" as a reason why sex needed to happen 3 days after I gave birth.

This is the first time I have felt driven to write anything in a chat room. I have a 17 month old and have had sex about four times since she was born. Feels such a relief to read that I am not alone. I just don't feel like it. I think i find it hard to switch my mindset and get into it. Truth is I can't be bothered. Is that really awful? I know deep down it probably is.

First had sex again when dd was four weeks old and once we had started again didn't want to stop. DD is now almost 8 months and we have slowed down to about 2 or 3 times a week.

4 weeks peanut? You are a braver woman than I! With dd it was at least 6 months before I would let dh anywhere near my nether regions... With ds it was not as long but then it wasn't as traumatic a birth either...so I think it was more like 3 months. Now it is about once or twice a fortnight. Yes dh feels deprived, but MOST h's seem to feel the same way it seems...so you are definitely not alone nothorny!

I'm depressed now. It does seem that most men out there are getting it more often than me (even those who only get it once a month).

Ladies, is there anything I can do to arouse the wifes interest in this? I know she is not as tired looking after our dd as she was when she worked before the birth so tiredness doesn't seem to be a major factor.

Any useful suggestions will be happily recieved (oh and if anyone mentions right/left hands, that is old news and a regular help).

Simon- I'd suggest stopping calling her "the wife"- unless this is an ironic nickname that she appreciates as much as you do, making sure you are pulling your weight with the house work and child care, arranging a baby sitter so that you can go out and talk and flirt with her, making sure that she knows you find her sexy and gorgeous. How old is your daughter? If she's under 6 months then you may be relying on your hands for a while longer. Have you talked to your wife about your sex life and how she feels?

Maybe I'm a nympho (and married to the male equivalent) but I've had sex a week after the birth each time. With dd it was a psychological thing, I wanted to get the 1st time over and done with (felt the same about going to the loo!) before i could get all wound up, have to say I was drunk each time and neither of us was seeing stars but within a month all was back to normal. That said, I've never breast-fed and for various reasons was aware that dh needed to feel that he wasn't taking 2nd place to the kids.

ScummyMummy

Thanks for the reply.

My dd is just over 3 months now.

As for housework I do pull my fair share and I also do a fair portion of the baby care as well, usually any early morning feeds and nappy changes to allow my dw (who is as you say sexy, gorgeous and very much into snuggles) to get a lie in when possible, and also 2 evenings a week when my dw does her part time job. It's not always possible though as I work shifts.

As for taking her out without dd, this has been a bit of a problem. Even when we have someone to look after dd she is not really happy leaving her unless there is a very good reason or if the time apart is fairly short. I am hoping to take her out for a meal and some romantic conversation but her thoughts at the moment seem to be firmly fixed on dd. Not that I blame her for this, she has spent 35 years waiting for her and now wants to enjoy as much time as she can with her.

We have discussed our sex life, in depth and fairly often before she got pregnant, as we do seem to have a fairly mismatched set of sex drives. After she got pregnant she had no sex drive at all and it seems that even after recovering from the birth that things are not even returning back to what they were.

As for refering to her as 'the wife' I tend to use that term when talking to people that don't know her (to those that do she is Marie, and a kinder and more loving person I have yet to meet, and yes I do tell her this).

If hands are to be it for a while longer then so be it. I'll just have to be patient and try out the re-seduction thing in a few months time.

ScummyMummy

Thanks for the reply.

My dd is just over 3 months now.

As for housework I do pull my fair share and I also do a fair portion of the baby care as well, usually any early morning feeds and nappy changes to allow my dw (who is as you say sexy, gorgeous and very much into snuggles) to get a lie in when possible, and also 2 evenings a week when my dw does her part time job. It's not always possible though as I work shifts.

As for taking her out without dd, this has been a bit of a problem. Even when we have someone to look after dd she is not really happy leaving her unless there is a very good reason or if the time apart is fairly short. I am hoping to take her out for a meal and some romantic conversation but her thoughts at the moment seem to be firmly fixed on dd. Not that I blame her for this, she has spent 35 years waiting for her and now wants to enjoy as much time as she can with her.

We have discussed our sex life, in depth and fairly often before she got pregnant, as we do seem to have a fairly mismatched set of sex drives. After she got pregnant she had no sex drive at all and it seems that even after recovering from the birth that things are not even returning back to what they were.

As for refering to her as 'the wife' I tend to use that term when talking to people that don't know her (to those that do she is Marie, and a kinder and more loving person I have yet to meet, and yes I do tell her this).

If hands are to be it for a while longer then so be it. I'll just have to be patient and try out the re-seduction thing in a few months time.

Hmmm, Simon- I think it might be worth talking to her about this if she's really unwilling to leave the baby even for a couple of hours to go out with you. I had similar feelings when my twins were tiny- I didn't want to put them down or let anyone else look after them and even had a minor panic attack in Sainsbury's when I left them behind in the care of doting grandparents for half an hour! However, I didn't realise that I was inadvertently hurting my partner's feelings by showing (outwardly, at least) a total lack of interest in our relationship and wish he'd said something a bit earlier. He was v considerate- as you sound too- and thought it was only natural that he be pushed into the shade by his beautiful boys, whom he adored too, obviously. I think it's all too easy to forget the importance of working on loving adult relationships in the maelstrom of new parenthood.
This WILL get better in time, I'm sure, Simon. My boys are 3 now and I'd leave them with practically anyone for the chance of a night out with my partner!

ScummyMummy

Heartening words are always good to hear. Thanks for taking the time to say them.

One of the main reasons I am a bit worried about it all is that dw wants to be pregnant again by late summer so that dd will have a sibling as soon as possible.

If things follow the same pattern as before I'm in for another 10-12 month period of celibacy, and I don't think I'm even going to get that many practice runs before hand (dw got pregnant 1st time with dd and was then feeling very sick from 2 weeks later till she gave birth, hence the celibacy).

Maybe this time around the hormones will jump in the other direction and I'll be on here asking for advice on how to calm a woman down who won't leave me alone (if I was religious I'd be praying for this).

I may have to have a word with my mother (who is the main babysitter when we do go out) and see if she can have my daughter for an evening so I can take the dw out to wine and dine her.

The only fly in this otherwise nice ointment is that dw won't currently let my mother have dd overnight, and my mother can't stay over with us due to other commitments. I'll just have to hope that dd doesn't choose that night to stop sleeping the whole night through.

ScummyMummy

Heartening words are always good to hear. Thanks for taking the time to say them.

One of the main reasons I am a bit worried about it all is that dw wants to be pregnant again by late summer so that dd will have a sibling as soon as possible.

If things follow the same pattern as before I'm in for another 10-12 month period of celibacy, and I don't think I'm even going to get that many practice runs before hand (dw got pregnant 1st time with dd and was then feeling very sick from 2 weeks later till she gave birth, hence the celibacy).

Maybe this time around the hormones will jump in the other direction and I'll be on here asking for advice on how to calm a woman down who won't leave me alone (if I was religious I'd be praying for this).

I may have to have a word with my mother (who is the main babysitter when we do go out) and see if she can have my daughter for an evening so I can take the dw out to wine and dine her.

The only fly in this otherwise nice ointment is that dw won't currently let my mother have dd overnight, and my mother can't stay over with us due to other commitments. I'll just have to hope that dd doesn't choose that night to stop sleeping the whole night through.

ScummyMummy

Heartening words are always good to hear. Thanks for taking the time to say them.

One of the main reasons I am a bit worried about it all is that dw wants to be pregnant again by late summer so that dd will have a sibling as soon as possible.

If things follow the same pattern as before I'm in for another 10-12 month period of celibacy, and I don't think I'm even going to get that many practice runs before hand (dw got pregnant 1st time with dd and was then feeling very sick from 2 weeks later till she gave birth, hence the celibacy).

Maybe this time around the hormones will jump in the other direction and I'll be on here asking for advice on how to calm a woman down who won't leave me alone (if I was religious I'd be praying for this).

I may have to have a word with my mother (who is the main babysitter when we do go out) and see if she can have my daughter for an evening so I can take the dw out to wine and dine her.

The only fly in this otherwise nice ointment is that dw won't currently let my mother have dd overnight, and my mother can't stay over with us due to other commitments. I'll just have to hope that dd doesn't choose that night to stop sleeping the whole night through.

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I found the hardest thing about rekindling our sex life was switching roles from Mum to lover at the drop of a hat. Dh is (mostly)v. good about helping out, but I found it difficult to relax when ds was asleep as I was still in Mummy mode listening out for him.

I think if you could spend some time without dd that really is the key SimonHoward

more men on mumsnet please!
This is really interesting.
Simon, tell all your friends (but you may want to change your chat name to protect the innocent )

Anyone else got any tips on how to get the wife going? I am the wife. Younger ds is 17 months old, and frankly I'd quite happily never have sex again. Dh is quite patient but we have had 'conversations' because he feels unloved, unfancied (I know it's not a real word) etc. I try to be ressuring and loving but basically any 'action' is just tolerated by me to spare his feelings really. I suppose I've never had a rampant sex drive, but now I've got none. Any ideas for a massive libido improvement?

Tell me I'm not the only one who read this message as being from No Thorny. (BTW, maybe you should post a reply under your normal chatname to put us off the scent!) I'd say every time it happened before dd was six months was a mistake. The first time I started enjoying it again was when dd was on three meals a day & my periods had just returned (we were also on holiday, and dd had taken to sleeping late). So my theory is that while you're still b/f your body is telling you not to have sex, because it doesn't want you to get pregnant again. I was surprised what Eulalia said about bf having no effect - I thought it was accepted that sex was less "comfortable" for women while b/f, and also that libido is reduced. Anyway, I've told dh that he's not getting any the next time until six months is up, which I hope will reduce tension between us on the subject.

Simon - I've got to say that at 3 months, I barely knew which way was up, and certainly wouldn't have had the energy to go out after dark. Sorry to not be more positive in your present circumstances! Good to have you around on the boards.

I'm not too scared to go into details about my sex life using my real name, no-one knows who I am anyway! Ha!

I am only just enjoying sex again, and dd is nearly 2 years old. I think if you are a man the best thing you can do is be patient and throw her lots of compliments. I felt constantly tired, unattractive, felt as though everyone knew I had just had a baby and had a hard time adjusting to my new role as mother, it took me a long time to even think about being dh's lover again. A nice relaxing massage in the evenings would be nice for her, but DO NOT put any pressure on at all to have sex. It might be an idea before the massage to tell her that you are doing this because you love her and not because you want sex. That way if she wants to take it further she can do, or not depending on how she feels. Lots of touching to show her that you still fancy her and love her, but let her make the first move. I used to shy away from my dh's cuddles as I was paranoid he would think that I wanted sex, if he had made it clear that he didn't until I said so, I would have relaxed a bit more. I felt under pressure to have sex as that is what everyone did, I thought, he never said as much but I know he thought we were abnormal. She will let you know when she is ready. You could always suggest that you touch her intimately but not have penetrative sex.

For those women who don't feel like sex I would say tell him what turns you on. Sometimes we caught up in the apathy of life and can't be bothered to muster up the energy to have sex, but if you make a special effort, and guide him along, you will find that it can still be enjoyable. It does require that bit of effort, but it is worth it in the end. Remember that for a man, sex is showing you how much he loves you, so if he cannot have sex, he feels that he cannot express his emotions properly.

Susanmt, I think you should be asking your dh that question, I'm sure he will let you know!