Sex Survey

[Nothorny]

I'll try to put this in a nutshell. DH is worried that everyone else out there is having loads of sex after having had a baby and that we are "abnormal". DS is six months old, first child. I know all the reasons as to why we are not having sex and am confident we shall pick up again soon, once the breast feeding has stopped, we get more people to help us and therefore have more time, are less tired, etc etc you know the score.

ANYWAY, could you lot please just let my poor old dh know when you started having sex again and how often (roughly!)say for the first year. I am sure we are not alone in our sexual desert but it would reassure dh greatly if he heard it from all your horses' mouths. Thank you so much. Of course, all you amazing people who bonk five times a week and have done since a week after the birth, do let us know too. Thanks. Oh I've used a different pseudonym BTW.

Salalex
IME if the relationship's not all it could be it manifests as loss of interest in sex...which in turn feeds the sense of distance, lack of communication etc.
There have been times when for various reasons I've felt we were starting to have problems, but sex renewed the feelings of intimacy and affection. Even though I didn't feel like it, to be slowly and gently made love to just put the world to rights - feels like the ultimate and deepest communication between us.
Having said that, when I no longer found ex-dp physically attractive I knew it was the end, even though I still cared for him hugely.
This probably hasn't been any help but hope you're feeling ok.
best wishes Mopsy

I have to agree with Mopsy here. I stopped fancying my ex dh and sex was just a nuisance and the relationship did come to an end (although not mainly because of the sex, more because of other things) however my dh now used to be my best friend and there was never any attraction for 10 years or so but then all of a sudden I fell madly in love with him, fancy him like mad and sex is a very important part of our relationship, although not the main part of the relationship.

I think what i'm trying to say is that I think friendship is a must as a base for a relationship and with that comes respect for each other, however sex is also important although can't be the only reason for a relationship because sex in itself is not enough (especially when you're 94!)

Rhubarb-sincere apologies got people's names muddled! Honestly, I'm very sorry.

Message withdrawn

Bloss I think you have explained yourself very eloquently and IMO the term 'rascist' is being bandied about inaccurately and unnecessarily.

It's a great shame that Star feels the need to cyber-tantrum over this as she has posted supportively and wisely about many things - this is obviously a matter very close to her heart and so has taken great offence where I'm absolutely sure none at all was meant.

Message withdrawn

No offence taken Angharad!
Just to lighten up the conversation I was in France with my dh and we were touring the Alps. We went into a museum that had those headphones that explain each exhibition to you, the English version had an American flag over it. When we asked the curator why this was, we were told that when it originally had the British flag over it, the Americans were very confused and didn't know which language to opt for! So to avoid confusion they replaced the British flag with the American flag!

Sorry to all Americans I have just offended!

Anyway no-one answered my question. With all these stereotypes being banded about, who can say that they are absolutely 100% English? I don't think there can be an English stereotype if there are no true English people to fit it!

Rhubarb - Your flag story reminds me of a story my mum told me about a friend of hers who was an english tourist in the US. 'So you're from Europe then?' enquired the sharp American on hearing her accent. 'Yes, I'm from England' replied the tourist. 'Well I gotta say' continued the American 'your English is pretty good.'

I kid you not, this is a true story & not a joke. It seems many Americans just don't associate the English language with England, it's the language of america to them, same as Spanish is the language of Mexico etc and not neccesarily associated with Spain.

Your question of 'true englishness' Rhubarb is a bit of a tricky one really, of course an English person isn't true English, as the English by their nature are a mish-mash (normans & the rest - just take a look at our ridiculously complex language). But most Americans are fiercely patriotic and proud to be American, despite being a country nearly entirely made of immigrants. Most Americans (as I understand) also are proud of their roots, whether African, Irish, Italian or whatever.

So we can have stereotypes, even if there isn't a 'true' English person to base it on, that's why they are stereotypes. Anyone for tea?

ps. Please don't anyone be offended by anything I've said, I tried to be PC and choose my words carefully, but I'd be here all day typing if I tried to make sure absolutely no-one was offended...

I've just spent a very interesting 20 mins reading the last two days messages here. Beats the World Cup any day.

Star, don't go!

Marie Howard, please post something here yourself!

Salalex
Very interested to read your posting, my situation is very similar at the moment. I haven't really felt like sex since our second child was born nearly 2 years ago. We have also probably averaged 3 times this year and not much more in the whole of last year. We are going through a tough time in our relationship and I'm now confused as to whether lack of sex (ie lack of interest on my part) is a cause or an effect of our problems. I suppose it's both, and as Mopsy says sex can be wonderfully beneficial if you're going through a difficult time together. On the occasions we have had sex, we've both said 'We must do this more often' and then don't and we get into a rut again.
We had a great sex life before children, and I'm shocked at how much my libido has decreased. I only breastfed for a few months, lost weight fairly quickly, but even after the initial exhaustion which probably lasted for a year after the birth of our second, just rarely feel like sex. I do sometimes think I don't fancy dp anymore, but then I think it's very hard to fancy anyone as much when you've been living together for a few years. I know many of you will disagree, reading your sex averages! I have found it very difficult to think of myself as a mother and a sexual being. None of my friends have had this problem - I wonder is this a factor for you Salalex or is something else? Maybe it's the guilt remnants of my Catholic upbringing! Time pressure isn't really the problem. I do miss the pre-children sex late at night and on weekend mornings but we could arrange early nights for it and never do. Sometimes I think it's just me having a mid-30s crisis, and I know if I dug out the suspenders and stuff every Friday night our relationship would improve dramatically!

Just wanted to respond to Tillysmummy's post about her dh being drunk/tipsy when "babysitting"...you were right to be upset, I would be pretty peeved too - it was irresponsible and thoughtless of your dh. But what peeves me more is that so many dads seem to perceive looking after their own children as "babysitting" in the first place! A mother never thinks of herself as a babysitter; why do (some) fathers think this way? Is it because they see it as a Part-time thing for them, as opposed to being a mothers "job"? Sorry if I am opening a new can of wriggly things here but it really irks me.

Mollipops

I will have to own up here but I do refer to looking after dd as babysitting because,when I'm doing it on my own usually late at night, it is more like being a baby sitter than parenting full time.

The rest of the time dw and I share the jobs (unless it is early morning in which case getting dw up is more trouble than it is worth) as much as possible.

I don't see it being different but most of my single or non-parent friends can relate to being told I'm babysitting if they ask what I'm doing.

Well, having read this theme, I thought I would add my twopennoth.

My dh and I haven't had sex since 10 month old ds was born. I didn't feel like it until my hormones kicked back in at 8 months, so wasn't too worried. But eventually I felt ready and raring to go. No sign from dh. I finally broached the subject and was told that he didn't fancy me because I was overweight. Admittedly, I had reached a size 14, and needed to lose at least a stone. No offence to any bigger ladies, I just feel happier being a size 10/12.

Although he said he still loved me, he was not interested in having sex until I lost weight.(His libido was never as high as mine before ds). He accepted that this was shallow, but said that my personality and face, although very attractive to him, were not enough to turn him on.

As you can imagine, I was REALLY hurt by this, but I rallied myself and used it as an incentive to get some of the weight off. I have subsequently lost 1 stone and 4 pounds, but still no sex. I got really down about it two weeks ago, but couldn't talk to him about it as I still felt really hurt and rejected. He noticed my 'depression' and guessed the reason. He then assured me that he had noticed the new figure, and that he had fancied me, especially in my cut off jeans, but that things had got so far that it was now an immense pressure on him to make the first move.

I appreciate this, and know that I should try to instigate things myself, but I still feel very hurt by his previous comments, and feel like 'why should I?' I also feel that our closeness has gone because of these attitudes between us. He has always been a bit of a control freak (see other strands that I have posted on), and I am worried that I don'd love him any more. Would I be more bothered about starting things if I did?

All I can say is that I am getting appreciative looks from other men again, and I like it. I know that I am a sexual woman, and I miss sex. It has always been a bone (no pun intended!) of contention between us, with me instigating it 90% of the time, but we always clicked in all other ways. I am totally fed up, and don't know what to do. I think that our relationship will probably not last another year, which is awful, because of ds.

Sorry to go on. Just wanted to let others know that their sex lives are not as bad as mine!

suzannem - God, that is a horrible comment to make by your partner. I know a lot of men are turned off by pregnancy and 'larger' women but to tell you that is just cruel. Honesty is NOT always the best policy. My brother throws disgusted looks to his wife every time she eats (she is now on her 3rd pregnancy) and has admitted he doesn't fancy her at all when she is larger but.....tough.

You are providing his child, he should bloody grow up. Sorry to sound abrupt but I really hate this body fascism displayed by, often the most plain and unassuming of blokes.

My god what planet is that man on?

Sorry SuzzaneM but if I were in your place I'd have killed him for that comment and I'm seeing this from a mans point of view.

If it is only your looks that get him aroused then I feel sorry for him that he does not find the person and the mind of his chosen partner to be as sexy and as arousing as the outside.

Maybe I'm just odd but I don't care if a woman looks great, if the mind and personality are not there then it would be difficult to arouse my interest (I don't say impossible because I am still a man after all). If they have a mind and personality that gets me going then if they are not a page 3 model then that doesn't matter (I'm hardly in the hunk of the month class myself).

Have you condisered that he might be a bit intimidated by your forwardness in the sex department? Some guys are, I have no idea why.

Tinker

I couldn't agree more about the body fascism.

If men all had to do what most of then expect women to do to look good then they'd never moan about women again.

A question for all the ladies here, do you think that men in general pay enough attention to how they look and do you think they even consider it when trying to keep their partners attracted/interested?

hi suzannem

also saw your post about the party you want to have for your little one's first birthday...

what an unkind comment! it sounds like you work very hard to look after your dd, your home and your h - but it doesn't sound as though he appreciates you very much. not much advice to give, but have you considered counselling? forgive me if this is an impertinent comment but you really don't sound happy with him atm...

totally agree with tinker - it always seems to be very ordinary looking guys who make a big fuss over women's looks!

best of luck

Don't want to open that can of worms any wider... but I agree mollipops. If dp said he was 'babysitting' when he looked after dd without me in the evening I would be really irritated!

Don't want to open that can of worms any wider... but I agree mollipops. If dp said he was 'babysitting' when he looked after dd without me in the evening I would be really irritated!

Suzannem, sorry to hear about your Dh's comments. I agree with Bossykate, it does sounds as if some counselling might help. Is he having a hard time accepting fatherhood and the lack of control it brings? I do think you have to sit down and talk to him about this and tell him how you are feeling.

Sex is important in a relationship IMO (although not everything) and you need to sort this out. And good for you for rallying and well done on the weight loss (if it makes you feel better), but it's not surprising if you are beginning to feel you don't love him since you don't seem to be receiving much loving or supportive behaviour from him.

Susannem, I would slap him across the face and tell him a few home truths about himself! Get yourself all tartied up, arrange a girls night out and make it plain that you are going to flirt away big time! After all, why should he complain, he doesn't want sex with you! (though of course I don't think you should have sex with anyone else) Get yourself a life away from home, do a night class so he has to look after dd whilst you are out meeting new people. He will soon realise that you are not dependant on him and that other men are going to find you attractive, so he'd better change his ways! Tell him you can always lose weight, but he will still be a pig!

SimonHoward, no I don't think men pay much attention to how they look. I will get dressed up to go out for a meal with dh and he will come out of the bedroom wearing jeans and a crumpled shirt! Although he is improving I have to say.

And I have been tipsy whilst looking after dd before. In fact, when we have had a babysitter in we have both come in worse for wear which is just as bad isn't it?! I don't see what the problem is unless your dd/ds is ill or a newborn. I don't get so drunk that I won't hear her if she cries in the night. I admit that it was more of a problem when she was newborn, if dh had a few cans I would be wary of him holding her in case he dropped her, and I would not go out if I thought he would be getting ratted looking after her, but now she is nearly two I don't see it as a problem at all. As I said, we don't get falling over drunk, dd is sound asleep in her bed, no problem!

Angharad,
Have just read your message about pissed husband.
My dh and I have had many similar run-ins and you have my heartfelt sympathy. He used to go out loads, socially, with his old job, to travel, to eat out in fancy restaurants(YES I am a jealous b**ch!), and the few times I had arranged to meet up with a few friends for dinner, invariably, the mobile would go and there would be some stupid problem which only I could deal with. Once, I went to a barbeque with one of our kids (#3 wasn't conceived and #1 was sick and stayed at home with daddy. Dh didn't want to come anyway but he was so pised off that I did, not that he would have dreamt of admitting that, of course, that he phoned me at the BBQ demanding that I come home immediately, as our son was hungry and wanted poached eggs on toast!

I can laugh now, but at the time, I was really upsetand almost crashed the car in my hurry to get home. There was no point in staying just to 'make a point' as I wouldn't have enjoyed it any more and would have spent the whole time worrying about the row we would have when I did get home.

Fortunately, things have improved a lot (though to get back to the original thread, the sex is still practically non-existent - about once a month), but I remember so many occasions like this that I really feel for you. Hang in there!

SuzanneM your dh sounds like he is living in fantasy land - he wants the perfect wife and family plus the pristine home out of a magazine! What gives him the right to say these things to you? Is he perfect himself? Does he have the perfect body/skin/hair/teeth/dress-sense to match his high expectations of others? Sorry but he sounds very self-absorbed and disrespectful of you and your feelings. (Things which were echoed in your other post about the party.)

I agree with Rhubarb, go out with the girls and have fun! Arrange a day of pampering first of course, with the hairdresser and a manicure - and a new outfit if finances allow - followed by a girls' night out. Don't tell him when you will be home, it will just be late. Be selfish for a change and give him a taste of his own medicine. Find a friend you can go for an evening walk with for a half hour every day, and leave dh home with ds. Book a class for yourself once a week, whether it is yoga or flower arranging; something you have always wanted to do! Go for it!!!

I agree with Mollipops, Enid etc about the Dad "babysitting" thing. It really gets my back up.

Today is one of the few Bank Holidays I get because I only work Tues/Weds/Thurs). I am working because the opportunity was there to earn double time and I am going to put it towards a family holiday.

I have been amazed by family/friends asking who is going to look after DS. HIS DAD. Obviously.

Then they say to DH "oh so you're babysitting are you?" Funny how I'm not babysitting on a Monday and a Friday. Also funny how its looked up on as a major accomplishment for DH to look after his own son for 10 hours. Although maybe it is because he hasn't done it since last August.

Anyway rant over...