Sex Survey

[Nothorny]

I'll try to put this in a nutshell. DH is worried that everyone else out there is having loads of sex after having had a baby and that we are "abnormal". DS is six months old, first child. I know all the reasons as to why we are not having sex and am confident we shall pick up again soon, once the breast feeding has stopped, we get more people to help us and therefore have more time, are less tired, etc etc you know the score.

ANYWAY, could you lot please just let my poor old dh know when you started having sex again and how often (roughly!)say for the first year. I am sure we are not alone in our sexual desert but it would reassure dh greatly if he heard it from all your horses' mouths. Thank you so much. Of course, all you amazing people who bonk five times a week and have done since a week after the birth, do let us know too. Thanks. Oh I've used a different pseudonym BTW.

I forced myself to have sex before my 6 week check, just see that it was still physically possible! I certainly didn't feel at all horny for the first 6 months, began to feel much better after giving up bfeeding and going on the pill.

I am now pregnant and rampant, so dp better stock up as there will be a drought setting in from the beginning of October onwards!

Simon, I agree with Scummymummy's comments - I was so caught up in a whirlwind of nappychanging/feeding/sleepless nights that I hardly had any time for myself, let alone thinking about satisfying any of dh's needs for the first 3 months (like yourself and Scummy's dh he was also very understanding and never pushed the issue, and looking back he probably would have been happy with just a cuddle during that time, but ds took 100% of my attention). As Scummy said, it WILL get better in time, and no two conceptions/pregnancies are the same so you may find you have months of fun trying!

The other thing I have found in the last 2 years since having ds is that the bedroom is now just for SLEEPING! I may have felt horny 5 minutes before jumping into bed but as soon as my head hits the pillow I see sheep jumping over fences and I'm off with the sandman! There are plenty of other rooms in the house, and the living room is not just for watching TV in, IYKWIM.

Rosy - your body doesn't need to 'tell' you not to have sex because the act of b/feeding itself reduces fertility (known as Lactation Amenorrhea). In other words you can have sex without worrying about a pregnancy so nature obviously intended for women to continue having sex ... sorry maybe not a popular point to make here! Anyway yes of course the breast area will be a bit uncomfortable and with a baby constantly feeding you will often feel 'touched out' by the end of the day. So the last thing you may want is a man all over you - I know how it feels! However I bet many women who don't b/feed don't feel like sex after a baby either.

Lactation Amenorrhea isn't talked about much because in order for it to work properly you have to exclusively b/feed, no bottles, dummies, water etc. Few women do this and many return to work so it is not regarded as a safe form on contraception. I had no periods for 13 months so we were safe for that time. I don't think my libido has changed at all in the past few years from having no kids to now having two! At least with the kids I have an excuse now ...:-)

Sorry Eulalia, I don't want to have to correct you on this but even if you exclusively bfeed, no water, dummies etc you can still get pregnant - just ask my friend who fell pregnant when her dd was 3 months old. She was bfeeding exclusively and hadn't even considered giving juice/water/a dummy. I think the key is that although you may not have periods, you may still ovulate.

hello no thorny (it took me a while to work that one out too!)
yes, I too didn't fancy sex for ages after the birth of my first two children. I could barely stand my poor husband touching me at all. It was terribly depressing lying in bed next to the most gorgeous man in the world, and not feeling like having sex at all. Amazingly, after my third one was born, everything went back to normal (allowing for me being around 6 years older!). Looking back, I guess it was just hormonal changes, plus maybe some psychological causes, eg not being able to relax and switch off my newly discovered responsibility for the babies.
Unfortunately, my dh was unable to understand this at the time, and jumped to the conclusion that I was having an affair and that was the reason why I had cooled off him. Honestly.

SimonHoward, I know it's often said on mumsnet, but every pregnancy is different, hope you and your dw have better luck next time. I don't know what I could have done to get my libido back earlier, but star's suggestions sound quite tempting!

no thorny isn't the only thing I've had trouble with.

"Clues that Labour is just around the corner"? Party Political Broadcasts, of course.

Still have trouble with soothepoo.

Snacking at neighbours - not smacking.

There have been others but they're not on "Last Day" at the moment. Message boards are such fun.

(On another board I visit someone's id is Lucy Inthesky - as in with diamonds - I thought she was some kind of Russian for weeks.)

people don't really have vibrators do they?!

Simon, you don't have to go out. Why not cook something for her or have a chinese delivered and watch a video together, a nice slushy girls kind of film, where they bonk (in a nice way?). Ideas for the film needed girls. R

Enid - didn't want to get too technical about this but as you responded... Ovulation is part of the menstrual cycle and if conception doesn't occur then you bleed. However you may get caught out because when your fertility returns then you ovulate FIRST and then have a period afterwards. So for some women they could get pregnant before their first period. It complex but unlikely that you would ovulate beforehand - not enough to sustain a pregnancy in any case. Therefore for the 13 months I had no periods I only ovulated in the last (12th) month. The hormones you produce when breastfeeding actually surpress ovulation.

Yes some women get periods early on but it depends on one's interpretation of exclusive b/feeding and the fertility of the woman. It can take just one missed feed for the hormone levels to drop enough for ovulation to occur. Some young babies may sleep a long time at night early on and therefore the mother isn't having the sucking stimulation. I slept with my son at ngiht and he used to just latch on and off so that's one reason why my periods stayed away so long.

sorry for typos - trying to b/feed baby while I type this !!

also see quote below ...

Conception during lactation
The foregoing discussion has made it clear that suckling is the key to the suppression of fertility. The variable return of ovarian activity is related to the variable pattern of suckling input and how fast the baby feeds. It is known that conception rates in women who are still breastfeeding but have resumed menstrual cycles are lower than those in women who have resumed menstruation after stopping contraception. The reason for this has now become clear. When ovulation occurs during lactation, it is often associated with reduced or inadequate corpus luteum function, resulting in reduced progesterone secretion [23-25]. The implication is that conception in a number of cycles can occur, but inadequate luteal function prevents continuation of the pregnancy. In some women menstruation does not resume before the return of full fertility. The first ovulation is normal, and pregnancy may occur without a preceding menstrual period. This, however, is rare and in our experience is related to a rapid reduction in suckling input. The cause of this inadequate corpus luteum function is still not absolutely clear"

www.unu.edu/unupress/food/8F174e/8F174E0a.htm#Breastfeeding%20and%20the%20suppression%20of%20fertility

I think the discussion about vibrators is much more interesting! :-)

But she didn't have a period! Nothing she could see anyway. Obviously all the info you have given is correct but I wouldn't want anyone reading this to rely on bfeeding alone as a completely effective form of contraception

Yup as I said you can get pregnant before a period but it's not common. Uusally the period itself is the indicator of fertility. Because of the different factors involved it isn't a failsafe method. However most women don't get periods till the baby goes on solids and feeds less. I think the stats are that is less than 2% likely you'd get pregnant in the first 6 months but of coruse that doesn't cover everyone (like your friend)

Well well, I wondered what the response to my request would be but this is fantastic. I've just showed the responses to DH and he does certainly feel better about our situation though I would like to say, which I didn't before, he is not hassling me and is actually being very accepting of the situation really so those of you saying oh men what are they like, that doesn't really apply to my lovely DH! I didn't think of saying it before but I ended up having a Caesarian so have no excuses re shredded bits. DH also said, surely this is a parentline, not just for mums and he would like support too.

It is so great to hear all the different and same feelings being expressed. I do think it is hard when you get overwhelmed by events and don't have much practical support. I was heartened to hear that lots of people seemed to pick up after about six months so hope it does with me.

BTW thought Not Horny would be too obvious to all you brainy women out there.

Good luck to everyone out there who like me needs a boost. I'm sure we'll get there in the end and be back swinging from the chandelier.

Took me ages to work out Suedonim...thicko
And what's your objection to vibrators Monkey???
I want to have sex, unfortunately we have had such a rubbish time after no 2 was born and we moved house/jobs etc I have completely gone off the idea of sex with h (NB lack of d)and have been for about 2 1/2 years. Done all the counselling stuff and now deciding if this is going to split us up. Sorry to add such a miserable message! Simonhoward- - nice to have you around, you sound like a lovely bloke and its interesting to have a man's point of view.

Ladies

Thanks you all for your support and comments.

I will definately try out as many of them as I can (don't know about the slushy video though, I'd be asleep after that).

As for the suggestion about a trip to Anne Summers the wife needs that like a bicycle needs an airbag. She has so many interesting toys and garments from previous experimental stages that I think I may have to dig a few out and replenish the supply of batteries.

As for changing my name to protect the innocent/guilty I never saw the point in that. I was always taught to be open and so I am.

Thanks once again for letting me intrude on this bastion of motherhood (the fathers websites I have seen are not that great).

Although exclusive breastfeeding does greatly reduce your chances of getting pregnant it is not a reliable form of birth control. My mother was exclusively breastfeeding me and had not had a period when she got pregnant with my brother. I was just under 6 months old. If it matters to you whether you get pregnant or not, why take a chance.
I exclusively fed for 6 months and did 3 or 4 feeds a day until 11 months when I went down to once a day. It wasn't until 11 months that I got my period. However we still used a condom until then just to be on the safe side as I wanted 2 years between my children.

Simon, it sounds like you are doing everything right and patience will get you there eventually. You said that your wife is 35. Nature designed our bodies to have babies 20 years earlier and it may take her longer to physically to recover from the pregnancy, birth and the taking care of a small baby than a younger woman. I was 37 when my son was born and I can tell you from experience that despite being very fit, it drained me for a very long time. Lots of back/feet/hand rubs and cuddles are probably the thing she needs/wants the most right now.

A fortnight, and it was me who wouldn't leave him alone, poor soul. DH reckoned it was like trying to fight off a rampent lioness!!!! Grrrr

Tigger you animal! Lol about no thorny, have to admit I had to think twice about that one too!

Simon, it has only been three months, I know it seems like an eternity for you (esp given the circumstances while your dw was pregnant) but your wife has other priorities atm I guess. You sound like a sensitive and loving guy, so I'm sure you do all you can to make your dw feel special and attractive (unexpected flowers, little notes hidden between the nappies or under her pillow etc, hugs and kisses too). I like the idea of the massage oil and maybe aromatherapy oils in a burner...ask her what she wants. Maybe a day out at a hairdresser and/or beautician might make her feel supergood. (Works for me! ) It sounds like your dw is very attentive mum, I guess you just want a share of that attention too! A 3 month old is a bit young to be left overnight with someone IMO though... It could be that your wife's hormones are just all over the shop, and she really does lack any sex drive (mine drove away after giving birth too - I think it left in a Ferrari actually). Give her some time, and by all means recharge those batteries! but don't pressure her or seem too anxious or desperate. You will risk her not showing affection to you in case it might trigger your rampant arousal!!! So as someone else suggested, make sure you show her affection often and for no apparent reason i.e. not only when you think you might be in with a chance iykwim! As for baby number 2, don't worry too much yet as the pregnancy is almost guaranteed not to be identical to the first (I did say "almost"!).

To Eulalia, I think you have already mentioned that you may ovulate before you actually have a period, which is the time you may fall pregnant (usually 2 weeks before you bleed). You don't need to stop bf for this to happen - it can be beacuse you drop only one feed...I bf dd exclusively for 13 months too, and got my period back after about 9 months when I stopped her night feed. We used contraception from the start (well after we finally started having sex again anyway lol) as there was no way I was risking it!

Tigger

What ever your secret is please share it with all the women on this website, I can assure you that their dp's will be most grateful.

I did follow some of the advise last night and was affectionate without being sexy and she was most happy with getting snuggles when she came home from having her hair done and then drifting off to sleep with me right up next to her.

I think it will be the turn of the flower delivery guys to brighten her day up tomorrow as Pay Day has arrived.

Hi SH
Speaking for myself I only feel in the mood if I'm feeling confident - about the strength of my relationship with dp, about how I look, generally about whether I believe I'm an okay human being! Echoing what others have already said, becoming a mother tests these things and more to the limit, every day. Sounds like you're doing lots of lovely things to help keep up her self-esteem - I believe that when a woman becomes a mother, she needs some 'mothering' herself.

I have only 13 months between my two, I wanted 15 months! I was breast feeding totally, not a bottle of anything had passed DD's lips( Grrrr as I wanted to leave her to go to Henley and Ascot) She refused point blank! I also fed her until she was 8 months whilst I was pregnant. I could have had just nine months between them as we had sex a week after DD was born and also after DS was born, but I didn't have any stitches despite having 9.8 and a 9.12lb babies! The doc told us to wait a week because of the risk albeit rare of an embolism that can happen to newly delivered mothers, not quite sure of how it happens but to do with a trpped air buuble in the vagina being forced into the body. ( Any gynae experts?)

A friend of mine has nine months between hers, another has 4 under 4 all less than 15 months apart, all breast fed totally

My god, 4 under 4 years of age? Do people not have TV's?

Saying that though a couple of work collegues have pushed the boat out a bit, one has 6 children ranging from 18 months to 18 years and another has 9 already and number 10 on the way.

The flowers have been ordered and the romantic meal is being planned. Now all I have to do is make sure the weather is good for the stroll upto the restaurant.