Sex Survey

[Nothorny]

I'll try to put this in a nutshell. DH is worried that everyone else out there is having loads of sex after having had a baby and that we are "abnormal". DS is six months old, first child. I know all the reasons as to why we are not having sex and am confident we shall pick up again soon, once the breast feeding has stopped, we get more people to help us and therefore have more time, are less tired, etc etc you know the score.

ANYWAY, could you lot please just let my poor old dh know when you started having sex again and how often (roughly!)say for the first year. I am sure we are not alone in our sexual desert but it would reassure dh greatly if he heard it from all your horses' mouths. Thank you so much. Of course, all you amazing people who bonk five times a week and have done since a week after the birth, do let us know too. Thanks. Oh I've used a different pseudonym BTW.

I am surprised at the strength of some of the comments about SimonHoward's choice of name, I feel some of them are downright hostile, not to mention patronising. If I were Simon I'd think twice about coming back!

I'm sure this is a result of a feeling of sisterhood with his dw rather than anything more sinister, but frankly what any mumsnetters choose to call themselves is their own business and responsibility.

Boy you english are funny. It never occurred to me to use a nickname. I'm not trying to hide anything. And frankly discussing my sex life with strangers anonymously is no more or less "safe" than discussing it with people who know me. Sex is normal! And maybe if more people were open about it, there wouldn't be so many problems in the world. If poor simon wants to use his real name, that's his choice. And I would like to give him the respect of assuming that if he thought his wife would mind he wouldn't have done so.

Forgive me SofiaAmes for nitpicking, but a mistake you Americans so often make is assuming we're all english. I am, as it happens, but I can't tell you how much it p**ses me off when people just talk about england and the english. Please don't forget the Scots, Welsh and Irish among us and call us British. I'm not normally this nitpicky, but this is a real bug bear with me. Rant over. And if you feel like answering me after I've had a bit of a dig, could you please explain to me why Americans talk about their paediatrician as opposed to their GP? Do you not have GPs as such in the US?

Salalex, I said english because I meant the english. I too find the irish, welsh and scottish very different from the english and not nearly as reserved/prudish. (i am on my second english husband) Obviously I was poking a bit of fun...and making gross generalizations about a nation. I am quite happy for you to respond in kind about the americans (us californians are completely dippy). As far as the gp vs. paediatricians go. Children are always brought directly to a paediatrician in the us. I wouldn't dream of taking my child to see my gp (we actually call them doctor not gp) and if i did he would probably send me straight to a paediatrician. I am continually frustrated by the english system of having a gp attempt to diagnose illnesses in my child that are unique to childhood. And from what I can see from many of the threads going, I'm not the only one that has suffered from misdiagnosis from a gp who isn't familiar enough with childhood illnesses.

Ladies

Thanks for the support and the help.

My dw loved the flowers and was all emotional over them when they arrived. When I arrived she got all emotional over me and we had one of the best evenings talking, joking and snuggling that we have had in over a year.

I told her that I had come onto the weboards and asked for advice on what to do in respect of making her feel better and possibly more frisky and she was not at all shocked or upset, she was actually happy that I had taken the time to try to make a difference. I will keep up with the suggested reseduction plan and will let you know, discreetly of course, if anything comes of it.

Good luck Simon - I'm a latecomer to this thread but good to see you both feel it has helped you. Some people go through a really rough patch after their baby is born, but ultimately find their sex lives come back better than before the baby was even conceived. I wish you the same outcome!
SofiaAmes, I take your point about GPs struggling to diagnose childhood problems because they are not specialists. Most practices tacitly acknowledge this by tipping you the wink about which particular GP is best with children. I had a GP at my old practice who was by default a paediatrician, being a hugely experienced mum of four. Always worth asking the practice nurse or health visitor about this...

It's not just in america Salaex. I live in Switzerland and here we see a gaeny for women's things, a paedatrition for childens things and a gp for regular, adult things. Most gp's don't treat kids for anything.

I find the system abslutely excellent and the treatment far far better. A quick example, ds came dwn with an ear infection at 5.50 pm. I 'phoned the paediatrition, and was told I could bring him in straight away. I have never had to wait for more than one day for an appointment, and in the waiting room, I have never waited longer than 5 minutes to be seen. If the doctor can't come straight away then the other staff come to do anything they can eg weighing/ measuring baby.

Simon I am so glad - and relieved not that it's any of my business - that your wife is happy with the idea of you posting here for advice on your relatiohship. Glad my fears were proved wrong. From what you say, you seem to have a strong relatioship and care deeply for your wife's happiness.

I just wondered, and I am really not getting at you or expecting a reply to this - it is your business not mine - if you have such an open relationship, why you did not first tell her you were going to post on mumsnet or even post the messages together?

SimonHoward, good for you ! I have 'respec' (doing my Ali G impression) for you for

a) wanting to make your wife want sex again
b) coming on the boards
c) acting on the advice

Well done and I'm sure she'll get it back. Is dd in your bedroom. I found it much better once our dd had left our room. Otherwise as a mother, you are with them 24 hours a day literally. Now when we put her to bed we have a lovely dinner and some wine, sit and chat and then go to bed which is great and watch telly, chat and a couple of times a week, fab passion ! Its very important to have time out and when she's asleep your wife's not missing out on time with her. Have you tried putting it to her like that. You must have time for you as a couple.

Why don't you make one night a week the night you go out for dinner, cinema or whatever but do it the same night every week.

TillysMummy

DD has been in her own room from the day we brought her home from the hospital so having her in our room has never been a problem.

We do try to eat together of an evening but dd has a habit of staying awake till 10pm or so when we are both around, but if only one of us is there she will drop off well before 8pm (I swear she knows and is the biggest contraceptive going).

Unfortunatley dw loves her sleep and on more than one occasion has dropped off well before dd. I'm lucky in that as well as being an early morning type of person (6am wakeups are normal and a 7am one is a lie in), I am also a fairly late night sort of person.

As for going out once a week, I'd love too. Unfortunately I work shifts which tends to throw that out and also dw works part time 2 nights a week and does a shift on Saturday afternoon.

We do try to make time for each other when our schedules agree but it is more likely to be once a month than one a week.

What time we do have we make the most of but I'm determined now to get even more out of those times together, if possible, without dd because I can see things being more hectic when dw gets pregnant again let alone what happens when dd number 2 or ds number 1 appears.

God, perish the though Simon ! Another baby so soon ? It will be chaotic ! Must make sure you let dw know exactly how you feel before number 2 so you don't get even more frustrated with number 2.

I know that it's often difficult to squeeze time together but make the most of it whenever you can. Do you mind me asking, have you 'got lucky' yet ?

Can you try starting a bed time routine for dd so that she goes to bed at the same time each night to allow you both to have your evening together ?

TillysMummy

We tried to get her into a routine but she seems happiest going to sleep when she is tired. After the screaming and crying when we tried putting her down when she wasn't tired and wanted company it has been easier to just go with the flow.

As for letting dw know about No2, I have done, in great detail and with great feeling. Unfortunately I made a promise to her that we would try to have kids after my 31st birthday (I was hoping for twins first time and then the snip) but dw only had dd. She wants No2 as soon as possible because she does not want to have them too far apart due to her age (she is older than me by a few years).

As for getting lucky, I don't mind being asked. The answer is yes I have, but the total for the last 12 months is very, very low and all of that has been post delivery

To all you ladies with the nick-names I sympathise!!! But I don't care that the national average IS FRANKLY unbelievable, as most of my friends agree that sex is down there on the list below shopping and having a manicure (and not all of them even have kids!). I do have a real question tho' it does worry me when people say that a relationship will not survive without regular bnookie. Do you agree? question also to our brave male interloper...

bnookie!! should read Nookie!!!

Out of interest SimonHoward, did you also tell your wife you put her full name out on the boards too? And she didnt mind?...

Ems

Yes I did.

Lil

A strong relationship can withstand the lack of nookie, a not so strong one I don't know.

I'm just glad that I seem to have one of the former, although a little nookie every now and again helps, and a lot of it would be very nice.

salalex - thanks for supporting the non-English British people here!

SofiaAmes - how did you know that the people writing here were English? Did their comments seem specifically different from those that a Scottish/Irish/Welsh person would make? It's better to say 'British' to be on the safe side as that covers everyone.

Eulalia (a Scot)

Lil- I think the problem arises when the libido is different between partners. If both want to do it 3 times a week then fine or 3 times a year also fine. I don't think regular sex per se is essential to a relationship. What holds it together is all the other things - understanding, sharing, commitment, and so on.

Simon - can I stick my oar in? Don't rush for no 2! Enjoy your daughter and take your time. I assume your wife is not that much older than you as you are only 31 so there is no hurry. And don't have a snip either it is so drastic. I know for women age is more of a concern but we all live longer and are healthier so there is no rush. I had my kids age 33 and 36 so there is a good gap between them. Also my husband is aged 56 - this is his 2nd family. Imagine if he'd had a snip in his 30s - he would have lost out on all the pleasure of this marriage and family. Anyway don't try to plan your life too much ... spoils the fun. Good luck

Didn't make my point very clear - I am 36 now, DH 56 and we just had our 2nd baby 6 weeks ago. We don't think his age is a problem at all. Sorry if I am going off the point here.

I had sex for the first time after six weeks. No pain (I'd had stitches), no psychological problems. It was great.

However, I think we've only done it about 4 times since DS was born(he's 9 months). Are we bothered? Not really.

We know we'll survive. We work bloody hard, DH works v late hours sometimes as well as looking alfter the little man. But we know that this lull is part and parcel of early parenthood.

Lil, I agree with you. That statement does worry me a bit, as I think it puts into your head that if you're not getting down and dirty at least 3 times a week, you're not 'normal'.

Mags like Cosmo hint at that sort of thing every issue!

Eulalia

I think that a slightly wider gap would be good but dw's been so desperate to have children and now that she can she wants them as soon as possible.

I'm 32 soon and she is already 36, she won't be that far off 37 by the time we start trying for No2. So in her eyes she needs to get a move on.

I am going to try to slow her down a bit but she can be very determined when she sets her mind to things (and without that determination dd would still be a twinkle in her eye).

If need be I'll have a headache for 12 months to delay things (just joking).

Sorry but I hate all this English/Irish/Scottish/Welsh/British stuff! I am not in the least patrotic and most of us aren't true blood English anyway. Why do you Celts want to be separate from us all the time, do we smell? Can't we just all get along without having to differentiate our nationalities? I hate it when I see a Scottish sticker on cars driving through England, just to let you know that they are not English! So what?! If someone mistook me for being Irish (which they have) or Scottish or Welsh I wouldn't mind at all! As long as it wasn't American (joking!) Anyway, don't Americans have a big problem with Canadians? Or vice versa?

Simon you sound lovely and your wife is very lucky. Ems, I wouldn't tell my dh if I posted anything about him on here so I don't see why Simon should tell his wife. If my dh wants to look that's fine by me, but I don't think he would be that interested really.

So who's got a vibrator then?

Ah, but if you were Scottish/Irish/Welsh then you may very well understand. I am Scottish, proud of it and dont feel british at all. It is my country, my heritage, my people. It is important to my sense of identity and I don't want people to think I am anything else. Just like my dh is Irish and feels the same way. I don't hate the English, I just dont want to be thought of us one, just like I wouldn't want to be thought of as any other nationality. It's part of me, and it always will be.

Rhubarb, actually no you don't smell...that's reserved for us mediterranean types (I'm half italian). I've always been envious of my english husbands and their complete lack of a need for deoderant even for strenuous exercise. I on the other hand can't even sit and read without stinking. And no the americans don't hate the canadians, we just think they're a little slow. But don't you dare mistake a Canadian for an american or even worse a Quebecquois (sp?) for a canadian. Or the poor kiwi's, everyone is always mistaking them for their pro-nuclear neighbors.

I showed my husband what I had been posting and he wanted me to make sure to add that he is definitely not getting enough sex.

Eulalia

I had another chat with my dw about maybe delaying No2 and the answer came back as a firm 'No' and please do not raise the subject again.

She who must be obeyed has spoken on this matter.