Sex Survey

[Nothorny]

I'll try to put this in a nutshell. DH is worried that everyone else out there is having loads of sex after having had a baby and that we are "abnormal". DS is six months old, first child. I know all the reasons as to why we are not having sex and am confident we shall pick up again soon, once the breast feeding has stopped, we get more people to help us and therefore have more time, are less tired, etc etc you know the score.

ANYWAY, could you lot please just let my poor old dh know when you started having sex again and how often (roughly!)say for the first year. I am sure we are not alone in our sexual desert but it would reassure dh greatly if he heard it from all your horses' mouths. Thank you so much. Of course, all you amazing people who bonk five times a week and have done since a week after the birth, do let us know too. Thanks. Oh I've used a different pseudonym BTW.

Star, don't leave the site, but I agree with your thinking.

Rhubarb, why do you think SusanMt is being racist? As my name shows i'm obviously Welsh, and I feel that I have a very separate identity to the rest of the U.K. I don't have a problem with English people (or any other nationality) but it does annoy me when people talk about England when they mean Britain. (oh and when I speak English I've got a bit of an RP accent which probably doesn't help!)

SimonHoward

You sound like a very good dh and I think that you are being very understanding. If it is that important to your wife I respect you for going along with it even though you may prefer a slightly longer gap. Just think of it this way, if you get it all out of the way then you'll not have to worry about it all again.

BTW, im sure you're wife will resume her desire for sex eventually After all, shortly after a new baby it is a very emotional / draining time. Well done for being so supportive and understanding.

I do agree with Eulalia, don't get the snip, you never know what the future may hold, DW may want another in 6 years

Now a question for all you ladies and of course our token make guest (will be very interested in your response SimonHoward).

My dh was babysitting dd last night as it was my mum's birthday and she and I were going out for dinner. Dh was home in time but was really pissed. I was furious because he had been out drinking / networking (as is the nature of his bloody job ! - Just jealous me !) all afternoon and I thought it was irresponsible to be so pissed when he was supposed to be giving dd her bedtime bottle and putting her to bed. I (holier than thou of course !) never get drunk when looking after dd, a couple of glasses of wine maybe but not so much that I would be incapable of looking after her properly.

He said that he was fine to look afffteer herrrrr and that it wasn't a problem but I felt very worried about it because the last couple of days dd has been a nightmare to settle (normally goes off with no fuss) and had been waking once or twice during the evening.

I did ask Dh the question - how would he feel if our nanny who babysits was drunk in charge - he said it was different. Maybe I'm missing something here but I can't see how?

I know he came home in time etc but I was cross because I don't get to go out very much and I had to stay in the end to do all the pre bed and putting to bed because I didn't think he was in a fit state. I was also worried about leaving her with him but thought that as I was literally a 2 minute walk away it would be ok.

Oh the other thing that really set me off (!) - when I phoned him in the pub I could hear all his stupid single work colleagues giggling in the background. This really winds me up....

What does everyone else think, was I overreacting ?b

TillysMummy

2 will be more than enough. Before I met dw my prefered amount was 0.

I almost had the snip shortly after meeting her but her pervious husband had that done and wouldn't have children which was one of the reasons they split up.

As for being drunk in charge, I would never, ever drink at all while in sole charge of children at all. I have to say though that I have only ever been drunk once in my life and that I rarely drink at all, but there is no excuse for being drunk while left in charge of anyone let alone a baby.

Sorry for the rant but this is one of my all time pet hates. I'm lucky in the fact that DW thinks the same thing and very rarely drinks, and never to excess.

One question I really must ask all you ladies, and it goes back to the first posting on this thread, how many times a day/week/month would you consider normal to have sex?

There seems to be a big difference between what magazines say and what people really seem to want from what I have read here.

SimonHoward, if it wasn't for the fact that you only have one dd I would swear you were my husband writing under a pseudonim! We have been through exactly the same things as you have described. To be honest I put it down to being constantly exhausted (I too need lots of good quality sleep; dh needs 4 hours). Didn't feel in the mood most of the time and when I did it was at completely inopportune moments (eg by the tins in Tescos!)

Since ds has come along it's been a transformation (eventually - it took a good 6 months again). Feel my family is complete, relaxed and v.happy. We're still not rampant by any stretch of the imagintion, but are more 'active' than all but 1 of my friends with similar aged children.

I think it kind of fell back into place with lots of cuddles on the sofa (like old times), holding hands (again in Tescos)and being happy to accept that it's not as frequent as it once was, but it's even better. I was a lot more relaxed with ds and felt as if I knew what I was doing and generally chilled out about things.

When you do decide to try for number 2 I'm sure you will get lots of practice (even if it's only for 1 month). We did: it was like being a youngster again!

Don't think this is of any help really - except the common thread seems to be Tescos (?)

Sorry, meant to add SimonHoward, most of my friends say twice a month on average, I'm a hussy and can say once a week (sometimes twice, but then none the next week...), the 'one' friend has it 3 times a week (but she's not 30 yet!)

AtkinsR

It is more help than you know. At least it gives me hope that things can go that way which is enough.

As for the practicing for number 2, if it goes anything like No1 it will be one night of fun equals one pregnancy.

Not bad really considering I thought that I was a jaffa, but not the 6-12 months of energetic practice I was hoping for.

Tillysmummy,
I've had similar run-ins with my DH, when DD was 2 weeks old I gave in to his bullying me to go out. He had friends round, all got drunk together, house stank of smoke (and other substances) when I got back, he made several "come home, she's stopped breathing phone calls". Basically was a complete ae. It has got better (nearly 7 years on) but he will still drink on the rare occasions I go out, and I have to get kids into bed etc, which he doesn't when he goes out. That said he has cut down his socializing/partying a lot and my tearful "I'm leaving the selfish b*d" phone calls to my mum have stopped. Sorry, just to say that I do sympathise, it's horrible, esp when there are no ther issues. Don't know if you'd be up for this, but any chance of you coming home drunk yourself when he's going out (or just acting it?)

SimonHoward, realise that we're probably not normal but DH=36, me=26, average of 5x per week..Sometimes less, sometimes more, depending on tiredness!

Angharad

Please tell me your secret.

I have to say I'm envious of your dp.

No secret, just always been like that. Have to say that I suspect DH would be less understanding than you are!! Also, we're used to hectic lives ( started my finals when DD was 4 wks old, PhD whilst working F/T) so at times it's more stress release than romance which isn't everyone's thing!!!

Star - take it easy! I can assure you I have a huge sense of humour bypass with regard to racism, but I don't think Susan's post was at all controversial. She was just saying she's proud to be Scottish. I'm proud to be English, (even though I choose to live in Scotland). BTW, have no intention of starting a discussion on this (not on this thread anyway), I just thought Susanmt deserved some support.

(Ethnicity check. Me: English, DH: (N)Irish, DD:confused! )

DH and I are much the same as AtkinsR - it generally happens once a week, but if he's away on business for the week, it will probably happen a couple of times the following week. Depends on what's going on, but around once a week is the 'standard' for us.

SimonHoward

You shouldn't really compare yourself to everyone else because everyone's different but we're between 2 and 3 times as you asked !

Thanks for the messages SimonHoward and Angharad.

Angharad, have considered doing exactly what you suggest but don't think I've got the time or energy although feel like he should know how it feels.Can't believe you came home to that sort of situation. Luckily, although I occasionally smoke and so does dh when he's drinking we never allow any smoking in the house.

SimonHoward, thanks for the response, at least I know I'm not being an irrational woman ! It is the first time and probably the last time it has / will happen and my dh is generally excellent except for occasional inconsiderate 'letting my hair down' sessions.

Tillysmum, I would have been furious and probably wouldnt have gone out. I havnt had a drink since conceiving ds and now expecting No2, so thats over 2 years and cant see myself drinking more than a glass of wine, when the children are older, unless we were not coming home.

Sorry but just have to raise this with Angharad, when did I mention the nasty word racist??? I also did not mention SusanMT. I think you have taken my lighthearted posting out of all context and taken offensive when clearly there was none.

Can we not discuss nationalities now without being accused of being racist? This is pc gone too far! Far from being racist my dad's family were Irish, he now lives in Scotland, my 2 adoptive brothers are half-caste, one half Asian and the other half Afro-Carribean. I would consider myself British. But that is not to say I want to infringe myself on the cultures of the Irish/Scots/Welsh, but I don't see myself as separate from any of you either. As I said before, how many of us English can claim to be pure-bred anyway?

And I do not have enough sex either.

Thank you ladies that have answered my very personal question on how often is normal.

I will just have to live with being abnormal in desire.

Rhubarb - the English/British etc issue arose originally because SofiaAmes appeared to be saying English instead of British (although I wasn't totally clear on this) ... anyway this is a common American mistake which does irritate some people and why shouldn't it? It is not a case of being picky - it just isn't correct to say one thing when you mean another.

I am not very patriotic either and I am certainly not advocating being separated from England - rather a sweeping generalisation to think all Scots think like that! I do agree that you are not being racist though and that things are getting a bit out of hand here - please feel free to give your comments. We've rather detracted from the issue of sex here somewhat. Maybe we could do a survey of how much the Scots/English etc do it and see who comes out tops?! Cool, reserved English (another stereotype?) My DH (English) thinks that the Scottish are more adventurous in the bedroom.

Simon - difficult to say what is 'normal' as it depends on what a couple feel happy with - obviously a few times a week is OK but I'd say a few times a month is OK too. Perhaps there may be probs if couples do it less than this but only if one does want to do it more often (which you clearly do). People's libido vary so much as you obviously realise.

Eulalia

I do realise that everyone has a different idea of what normal is but it is difficult to get the truth about this sort of thing out of most men.

Either they won't say or you get the 24/7 reply from the wannabe studs. I have rarely got a straight answer from a guy.

Hence my question to the ladies.

Who I have to say have been very open and for that I thank them.

Blimey, I opened a can of worms there, turn your back for 5 mins and it's a full blown debate! Still, I enjoy a lively argument!
As far as Simonhoward talking about whether a not so strong relationship can withstand the lack of sex, let me tell you SH it can't. Me and H have had sex about 3 times this year. This is due to the fact that I have said I want to leave him on more than one ocassion and us going to counselling etc. He is trying hard but I just cannot seem to find it in myself to fancy him anymore. I don't even want cuddles, which is obviously very hurtful to him. saw something somewhere t'other day which said if sex in a relationship is Ok, it forms about 10% of the relationship, if your sex life is bad,it consumes about 90% of it. And I see what they mean. if it's all hunky dory, you think about it, but it's not an issue. if it's not going so well (understatement of the year here) it consumes you. I think about it, and not wanting to do it with my husband, all the bloody time. It's driving us both mad, and I don't know how much longer we can carry on. I keep thinking, oh just do it and if I keep doing it, the feelings will come back, but I just can't (Won't?) make that first step. So, sex in this house, a pretty crap subject all in all.

Salalex

I have to say that even though as a man I tend to think about sex a fair bit (and I still want to meet the guys that drag the average up to once every 15 seconds) I have to admit that since dd turned up I have cut back on the requests to dw for sex, actually I've now stopped. Not that asking for it made that much of a difference anyway.

I have tried out a number of the suggestions other people made here and they have helped put a sparkle back into my dw's eyes so there may be hope for me yet. When she is ready I'll be waiting.