Brave Babes Battle Bus - Holding our heads up like thistles

[MaryMungoAndMidgies]

I bit the bullet - Come on in, excuse the faint whiff of dog!

The last thread

Morning, tis me, Mouse.

This bloody insomnia is fun, NOT!!

Ma - I love, love, LOVE your pictures of the sea glass you are managing to find. I'm super arty ATM and I'm dying to find some reds and oranges to go with cinnamon sticks and natural raffia for my Christmas door wreath this year.

I have a feeling I'll end up buying some glass from a craft shop but it's just not the same is it? I am amazed by how much you find. Never give it away, sea glass is a good grounded omen to have in your home, in YOUR SPACE xx

Jay - lovely to meet you, sorry I didn't mention you earlier, how rude of me Welcome aboard the BUS. I hope posting here helps you like it has me

Hope - hello sweetie. How are things? I've scanned back and read some of your posts I'm sorry that WB has decided that his behaviour is accepted in this day and age! How old is he? Five? Talk about spitting your dummy out! Tw@t. Keep posting and letting it out here. Mainly for your own personal sanity girl!!

Babes - I'm sorry that I didn't name you all, but you are all in my thoughts, even when I don't check in. I'm always watching and hoping that you're all fighting or maintaining or just coming here for support.

I'm going to listen to my relaxation downloads now and see if I can win the fight against another reduction in my meds and sleep.

Goodnight to you all, xxxx

Morning all. feeling sad, another Friday night wasted by getting trashed, and not spending any quality time with my family and now just wasting today feeling rubbish. I am so paranoid about the damage I am doing, I used to be able to sort of moderate but things have got out of hand. Not even sure I can do a dry day today and I really want too. I hate alcohol.

I am tempted to try and take some co-codamol to try and help me feel less anxious, would it work?

Hey mrsmimsy. Don't know if co-codamol will help with anxiety. Having some time to yourself will, but that's not always possible with family around. Can you manage to escape for a walk, or a sleep for a while? Plan for a dry day, but have other strategies to hand in case that doesn't work. Can you moderate and have less, or do you have to drink the whole bottle once opened?
I forgot to charge my tablet last night so am going to disappear shortly but will be back!

Thanks, ma. I know I have reached a turning point. I used to be able to stop sometimes. The last couple of weeks I have wanted to start earlier and earlier and just drink whatever I get my hands on. If wine runs out I drink beer or my husband's spirits. I think this is a wake up call that I really need to try and stop for a bit but don't know if I can. How's everyone else, Elba, hope, lala, mouse and all others. Sorry I can't name check everyone, trying to hold myself together.

Hey mrsmimsy - how are you feeling now? Like you say it does sound like you're having a bit of a wake up call, but try not to let it feel too momentous. Try to think through why the increased booze intake might be happening, habit, stress, anxiety, a particular catalyst? Or just everything at once? It is very tempting to make grand gestures and say 'I'll never drink again' when you're feeling like this, but as the wise babes on here will say, whilst sometimes big lightbulb moments work brilliantly, at other times the guilt of 'failing' after such a moment can be worse than ever and certainly has sent me spiralling downhill on the 'I'll never do it so I might as well bury myself in a vat of wine' sort of way - so in general, baby steps, one day at a time, is usually the better option.

I am so nervous about sounding preachy. This time last week I was sitting waiting for the kids to come out of a class and whilst I was still on my crucial third cup of coffee, I had a diet coke with vodka in lined up ready to go for 10.30am (which oddly I had convinced myself was a respectable time to start). And then the day slid downhill from there, and the next one (as so many had before) - and then by Monday I was functioning 'fine' at work, except fine involved a permanent grey film over everything, and zero energy to go above and beyond. So I thought let's try to approach it one day at a time (and usually I am a big one for grand gesture abstinence, followed by epic relapses) - I've done baby steps all week, and have clocked up five days AF, and I feel fine, nervy, but fine. And the sort of fine which doesn't involve a shrouded grey film over everything. To my shame the kids told me I was much sunnier than usual, this morning. I initiated conversation rather than grunting back at them, I helped with homework rather than barking grumpily.

And yet I know there's a massive likelihood that by next Saturday we'll be back to the vodka/coke scenario again. It beats me how we know so clearly what we're doing to our bodies, lives and families, but we still keep ploughing on through the lakes and oceans of poisonous booze: that WW has a lot to answer for.

Sorry, babes - bit too much of a rant for a Saturday morning but MrsM, I just wanted to share that I didn't think this time last week that I could do five days AF. I've done it, one day at a time. I feel a lot better, in all senses. But I am more than aware that today could be the day the vodka voodoo bashes me back on the head again or the WW's siren call is too strong. There's no rhyme or reason to it. But if we keep trying and keep reminding ourselves of the pure joy of feeling straight, sober and properly connected with those around us, we may start making baby steps of progress. I hope so, and I really hope you can do something nice for yourself today, make some time for you.

Ma can I see some sea glass now? I find it truly calming and I can dream myself on a Scottish beach when I look at it. Mouse, how you feeling now? Hope you got at least some sleep? Am still smiling about Nemo at his bowling party - that made me happy.

mrs how are you feeling now? That anxiety (both the acute hangover anxiety and the ongoing anxiety over what we are doing to ourselves) is just horrible, I can totally relate. Please be careful with co codamol though- they are very addictive. If it did help the anxiety would that then lead you to take them again in similar circumstances? Cross addiction can form really easily, I know for me it could easily become a new habit. Sorry, if that sounds preachy it's not meant to (I'm definately not in a position to preach to anyone!!). Hope you are ok.

lala how are you doing lovely?

mouse hope you eventually got some sleep.

small so much of what you wrote resonated with me, especially the grand gestures of abstinence (for me usually preceded by a massive binge and followed by horrible guilt when I 'fail' again. Well done on 5 days, keep on one day at a time.

I arranged to do a parkrun this morning, and wanted to drink last night...I have not managed to be af since Monday. So I decided to 'moderate', which meant only one bottle of wine. In what reality is that actually moderate drinking?! Managed the run, but much slower than usual and felt rough the whole way round (at one point thought I'd have to throw up in a bush ). Really noticed the difference running after drinking, even though I was not hungover as such.

Really noticing the feelings of panic when I drink now but know I have to stop. It's a compulsion, and I think it actually takes more willpower to not get totally obliterated once I've started than to not start at all. Which scares me, as deep down I know what options that leaves.

Off to stay at a friends next week and really hope to be af (if I drink it will be in secret and I so don't want to do that again), but already anxious about it. Still aiming to not drink in October, but having never got past 10 days I'm not sure how that will go..

Anyway sorry for the essay, hope everyone's having a good weekend.

Hello to everyone. Just checking in after initially posting last weekend. Have been af all week as planned which was fine as my anxiety levels were so high for the first few days there is no way I could face it but as the previous few posts have pointed to I'm starting to feel better and I am starting the debate in my head about having a drink tonight. I'm posting in an attempt to remind myself how much I scared myself last week. The level of anxiety I had the next day was completely new for me and it was truly awful so I'm taking the advice one day at a time. My aim is to not drink for another week and then I'm reassess on the Sunday. I hope everyone is doing ok. I'm not really one for posting online in any medium so this feels very new and scary and I find it hard to post as openly and clearly as others but all your posts are helping my thinking and changing my direction with this.

Feeling a bit better after a bit of a nap and some fast food. I will not be drinking tonight,. Well done stars, I hope I can join u on this week af.

Hey all, been so so so busy trying to sort everything out with the flat, and a heavy night last night, where for once I was the semi sensible one, had to provide water and call taxis for various drunken friends, as well as directing mr l's vomit towards the toilet, a lovely image for you, I am sure. Had a very lazy day, only just really got dressed and ready to go out with pup now, thanks hangover, and to mr l lying in bed claiming he is ill such a liar, he is hungover. Difference between us is that he will happily not drink today or tomorrow to recuperate, whereas I am trying to plan my next drink. Ugh. I hate myself.

Nightmare as we have not had any hot water since last night.

Will check in properly later.

Love to all from a smelly Lala xx

small

Feeling like total shit tonight (sorry). Spent so much time (and money) doing stuff this week to try to relax and feel better, make the most of my time off (spa, massage, excercise...) and none of its actually made a difference. Went running this morning, breakfast after with friends, had my nails done....should of been a good day?! But then spent all afternoon in bed attempting to concentrate enough to actually watch tv and not cry, and failing at both. It's all a bit pointless trying if actually the fact is that I hate my life and myself and I can't see how things can change. What's the point of not drinking and trying to change stuff if I will still be fucking miserable? It's all just going through the motions, but not sure what the actual point of trying is. once again sat on my own on a Saturday night and drinking. Sorry, fully aware of how pathetic and self pitying I sound.

Elba, can you stop now? How about reading some celebrity gossip websites or smtg. I am contemplating whether u feel well enough to go to the shop for some kind of magazine to read in bed later.

Whether I feel well enough to go, not you Elba. Oops.

Hey all. No sea glass hunting today. Trawling the charity shops to try and find something business like for the big presentation in London. Thought I had done well with a gorgeous plum coloured jacket and design label black skirt, but the sodding skirt doesn't fit! Sigh. Jacket is nice though and only a fiver.
Dd2 is23 today. Where the hell did the time go?

Mrs if you didn't get to the shop tonight make sure you do tomorrow, magazines and something you love to eat too...treat yourself

Can't stop at the moment, hating myself more and more. So stupidly lonely but lots of people live on their own and don't do this so what the hell is my problem. It's pathetic. Going to friends on Monday but if I still feel like this it's going to be a long time of pretending to be ok. I was ok (ish) this morning so need to stop being such an idiot. Sorry sorry sorry, posting too much and putting a downer on everyone and just being a drunk twat...just wish I could express how much I despise myself.

elba I am doing the same, except mr l is here. We had a disastrous afternoon. I am taking it out on him, and using it as an excuse to drink when it really isn't his fault, and he is doing exactly what he is told, in an infuriatingly slow manner. Argghhhhh. I miss being on my own. But when I am on my own, I hate it. What is wrong with me??? On the wine... Sorry babes

FLEAS!! Fucking bastarding cat! He has been injected, had drops put on and has a flea collar. Our bedroom carpet is alive! Alive I tell you! For tonight I have put down cedarwood oil, and eucalyptus oil and some frankincense. ( Yes,I do have some actual frankincense - 3 wise men brought it once ).

Hi all. Just checking in. Saturday night and in bed on laptop about to watch something with violence and murder in it! WB had spectacular strop tonight about washing up and stormed out to see MIL (yes my ears were burning, no I don't give a shit) and when he returned home was in such a foul mood I came up here out of the way.

Sorry not replied to anybody - I have had to just log off mumsnet and get on with job applications lately and if I stopped to think about how shit my life / relationship is it would negatively impact the positive, confident facade I am having to plaster on as I go from application to interview to blatantly opportunistic LinkedIn message.

Lovely to see some old faces here though. Obrigada how the devil are you? Fantastic to see you back here. And Joey (waves) Mouse thanks for your kind words and lovely to see you again, though sad that you are in pain and struggling with the vodka monster. I am up to my ears in red wine at the moment, just medicating to get through being at home. Hope you sort something out meds-wise in the near future, and we are all here to support you as you kick the vodka. You have done it before, and will again. Did Nemo enjoy his party? I like to think of him having fun with his friends. How old is the wee fish now?

Small thanks for delurking to say hello. Wonderful to see you. Well done on your 5 days. I have also sneaked vodka into Diet Coke at an early hour. Don't assume that you will automatically get back on it. Sobriety brings its own momentum. Not that I can make the break from booze at the moment but I live in hope. Sober October maybe?

Lala, Elba, Mimsy big hugs to you all and hope the anxiety demons leave you soon. What are your best distraction techniques? Mine vary from the healthy (online colouring is oddly fascinating, and reading) to eating junk food (Gregg's Pasties being a guilty favourite. Also Primula cheese spread which I have been known to eat from the tube) and watching crap TV. I need some better ones, but hangover anxiety really is the worst to deal with. In my case I just like to drink through it. I've not been this bad in a while (though still outwardly functioning).

Welcome to Jayho and Stars. Hope you babes stick around with us. The bus will be tidier now Mouse is home with us, and the food better (chokes on a piece of seaglass mistaken for a Fox's Glacier mint and tuts at Ma)

Ma how's that presentation coming along? (stern look). Hope you are getting on with it. Situation with DD1 sounds uncomfortable. Has she got over you 'sacking' her yet? I can imagine that was difficult but it was good of you to give her the chance in the first place.

Sympathetic as I am though, please don't bring your fleas on this bus. Firstly there is enough of a menagerie, with the camel, squid and cast of thousands, and secondly ... eeeew! If it makes you feel any better though there is a massive flea epidemic at the moment so you are not alone. Lovely niece had to get the exterminators in recently and they told her that they had never been so busy as this summer.

Sorry if I have missed anyone, (actually where is Wry?) but off to watch something murderous now (you can tell my state of mind is veering on homicidal) Will check in again soon

Tried to go to bed and can't stop crying literally but went to bed drunk so just picked up where I left off I giess. Up again and I think panic is stopping me being too drunk so obliteration is the new goal. All or nothing but for now all is the way. Hate all of this, hate hiding it, hate myself.
Want to be loooked after for the night sounds pathetic but ju

hate myself times a million, repulsive drunk freak, repulsive repulsive repulsive )see can spell when you want to you freak) fucking vile cow

Elba noooooooo!!! Just NO! you are not repulsive, or a freak, or vile, or a cow. You are our friend and we all care about you. Look how you have been supporting me despite having your own worries. You are a great person, and very valued here. It is the drink talking. It makes everything seem so much better at first but then a million times worse. Keep talking to me hon, I am here for a bit...

Sorry and thank you just havubf a not coping moment. Don't know what to do

And I am

You don't have to do anything babe. Just get some sleep. Put on your PJs if you haven't already. Even if you are still drinking, make a tea or milky drink as well and make yourself have it, with a biscuit or something. Get in bed. You probably can't concentrate on a book so put on something dumb on the laptop as a distraction and lie down till you are ready to go to sleep. I have done this before and it works. Or if you are a bit 'woo' which I am sometimes listen to a guided calming meditation on your phone / tablet (there are tons of them on you tube). Or honestly if you feel that bad ring the Samaritans. I have done all these things in the past, no shame. Reply and let me know you are ok if you can xxxxxx Sending hugs and