Brave Babes Battle Bus - Holding our heads up like thistles

[MaryMungoAndMidgies]

I bit the bullet - Come on in, excuse the faint whiff of dog!

The last thread

Trying a new technique. Ice cold tonic and lime to quench thirst on getting home and then another while cooking dinner. Then had wine at 8pm, two hours later than normal. So only two glasses and then bed. Still not AF but less than usual and left some in the bottle.

ma well done you!

wry how are you and the Terrorist getting on? The "cone of shame" describes it perfectly

Good night babes. I came across this poem tonight and love it so thought I would share :

For An Absence
When I cannot be with you
I will send my love (so much
is allowed to human lovers)
to watch over you in the dark —
a winged small presence
who never sleeps, however long
the night. Perhaps it cannot
protect or help, I do not know,
but it watches always, and so
you will sleep within my love
within the room within the dark.
And when, restless, you wake
and see the room palely lit
by that watching, you will think,
“It is only dawn,” and go
quiet to sleep again

Hi, Ive dipped in and out of this thread a few times, usually backing away eventually as I am crap at laying off the wine. I am more of a habitual drinker than a 'regularly blacking out' kind of drinker, although this also might be due to tolerance too. I refuse to buy wine in a box, for example, as I know I would drink more as I can't see how much I have had in the same way as you can with a bottle which I don't think is healthy. I also immediately drink when stressed, or wanting to relax, or on the phone, or, well all the time really. Its too much of a crutch. However, after what feels like forever spending evenings drinking I have managed to NOT DRINK FOR EIGHT DAYS!

Its pathetic that this is a major achievement, I realise, but it is one for me!

I think it has become so normalised that 'everyone' does it and also, as I am very active, I try and ignore the damage it is doing to both my insides and my outsides. Even only a few days in I felt better and looked far less puffy in the face, and I now feel far more energetic. I have no idea why it has worked this time (abstaining) when the others have gone tits up after a few days but it has and I am bloody delighted. And quite relieved!

Thank you ma

Wine is my worst enemy too fading. I'd even buy the tiny bottles from M&S to try and moderate, but I'd end up shopping for more of them. I always had grand plans, one for Friday, one for Saturday etc. More often than not I'd trolley all of them on the Friday, get a bit drunk and head down to the shops for more because it felt like I hadn't had enough.

I've struggled these last few weeks to be honest. The urge is ever present, I wish it could be easier but I'm having to battle with myself every single day.

Keeping busy is key but just knowing my pup is dependent on me for everything at the minute gives me that extra ounce of strength. And knowing that I will have a few days 'off' when she's admitted for her next surgery gives me an out if I feel things are getting on top of me.

I've come this far, I hope upon hope I'll continue through but to be honest? I don't know. She will be more fragile next time round and it will be almost 12 weeks )from now) until we can go out for a wee walk. I am hoping I can stay sober for her recovery.

I am viewing those days in between like the intermission in the theatre, the lady in the pastel outfit is not holding tiny pots of icecream but a glass of Barolo. She's calling my name like a siren singing to sailors. It's powerful, hypnotic and insistent.
Shiting bitch of a WW that she is.

Have resurfaced my face with the clarisonic thing. It felt like it was doing shite all so I whirred away for a bit.

Less is more. Yup. Lesson learned. My face is like a baboon's arse.

Aw ma that poem is beautiful. Just lovely. I dream of a quiet sleep. Bloody well done tonight quine! Proper proud! Xx

joey thank you quine, we are muddling along, she squeaks, I play 20 guesses to figure out what she wants. and pray that it isn't number 19 before I realise it's brown, liquidy and too late That cone is like a weapon of mass destruction. God help anything that gets in its way. My calves. My nasturtiums. It is a cone of shame. A shame for me!

God love her.

How are you getting on my quine? You doing okay? Xx

Hello there plug! (May I call you plug?) take a seat, welcome aboard, some roads are windy, some will have blind dips and rises and some are like sitting on the Haudagain Roundabout at teatime. But it's all good and the folk on here are amazing. No matter what the roads are like, as long as you're on the bus you have someone to talk to. Rant about the traffic, or sit back and enjoy the scenery. Xx

claret m'dear, are you okay? Xx

Right, definitely bed time, see you tomorrow. Xx

Oh and plug? Bloody well done on day eight! Xx

Thank you!
It's so lovely not having the guilt. Or inwardly trying to justify (so and so drinks more than me, I'm just not a morning person, I will walk off last nights excess with the dog etc.) I know, for example, that a rare night out will result in a crippling hangover (vomiting bile anyone?) but say it's ok because it's not very often. In reality, its probably once a month - not necessarily to the point of hangover puking - which isn't that rare. More often it's just feeling fat and bloaty and needing water, tea and toast.
Thing is, I'm sick of it. I was starting to force myself to drink a glass of sparkling water with as many glasses of wine as I could (the wine usually outnumbered the water) which is stupid. But just drinking less wine seemed far more difficult.
I feel very positive at the moment though, so hopefully it will continue (I have a very big test of things in a month, massive social gathering where I'd normally get pissed and probably make an arse of myself. It also has a hugely awkward element to it that I won't go onto here which would normally mean, due to nerves, I'd probably drink more!)

Morning All Lovely Brave Babes

Welcome Plug you're in the right place for masses of support on this lovely bus

Claret are you ok hon? please check in if you can x

Ma superb news about your client, so important to have a purpose. Well done with lime & soda xx

Baby YOU, a failure, NEVER. Dust yourself down, come sit with me on the back seat, I've got some good 80s tunes on me ipod

Wry my darling you are doing so well. there is no way I could have a bottle of anything in the fridge and not neck it How's terrorist today?

Joey how you doing with your next AF 6 weeks? have you found it a struggle? Always good to see you lovely x

Hope glad you've got away, try and relax and have some fun with DC, ignore WB he's a twunt extraordinaire and so not worth your energy

Elba how you doing?

Lala enjoy your ride on your girl today - lovely day down here, hope the sun's out where you are x

Margie if you're reading please check in. How are you?

Sweet good to have you back how are you? your garden must be blooming x

Beaches as always you pop into my mind - how are you, your boys? If you're reading hugs to you my friend x

I have 2 rare weekends off in a row - woop woop. Cousins, their spouses and DCs are all off camping near oxford, 18 of us- I'm really looking forward to catching up with them all - I'm whispering to the weather god regularly for sunshine, campings never the same in the rain, is it?

Following weekend I'm off to Pride with DD1 (she asked me if I'd go with her, which I feel quite honoured about) it's her first Pride so should be good fun. Booked a room for 2 nights thru airb&b so we can have a proper girly time

Anyhow, off to walk the dog and then going on a business course today, it's free and I just want to see if anything's changed since I had my business 7 years ago - quite looking forward to doing something just for me

Sorry not to mention you all

Remember - one day, one minute, one second, one hour at a time & 'watch the film to the end'........

You'll never regret NOT drinking

Have a good day y'all x

welcome plug - that made me laugh for no reason.
am in work so got to go. Just checking in.
I second a shout out for Margie

Hello. I have a serious drinking problem. It's totally ruining my life. I have read these Battle Bus threads before but I have not got up to speed with this one. Sorry, I'm usually all about thread etiquette but I really wanted to come straight in and admit to my alcoholism. I don't need another reason to procrastinate.

I keep hitting points where I think "this is it. This is the point where you have to make a change in your life." and then carrying on regardless.

I look back on points in my life when I quit drinking and they were the times when good things happened and SHIT GOT DONE. And the (more frequent) points in my life when I was drinking when shit didn't get done. When everything got fucked up.

That's where I am right now. Have taken the day off work sick today because I stayed up all night drinking (for no reason).

Really scared about where my life is right now.

Hello there furry welcome aboard!

Okay. Deep breath. You had a bad night and feel shitty today because of that. But it will get better my dear. Like my lovely friend spanna says, you will never regret not drinking. I'm enjoying that lack of regret at the moment, it's quite a nice place to be really. It's not a piece of piss by any means, but I'm doing it. God knows how though! I haven't found my boing at all, I wish I could. I still struggle to get up in the morning.

When does boing set in? Do I get a semiboing before it? Still waking up at 4/5am, it's maddening. I am maybe expecting too much too soon. Perhaps it will all settle down when I least expect it. I'm proper mizzy about it all.

spanna my little terrorist is bored. She is all big sighs and humphy noises. I spoke to a behaviourist today who has recommended a book full of hints and tips for the confined.

I have never really seen the whites of her eyes before but I'm seeing them a lot now. The bugger is rolling them at me, I swear.

On the plus side, I have cornflowers and actual strawberries. The garden looks more like a garden again. It's a miracle.

I'm going to post this and come back xx

Hi Startled the thread seems a bit quiet so I don't want to leave you hanging (even though I only joined myself last night.) I'm sorry you are feeling so pissed off and trapped. I too have called in sick due to drinking, more times than I care to remember, and the downer you can get after drinking loads is horrendous. I'm not sure what else to add at the moment other than to ask you more about yourself, and what defines your relationship with booze...? From what you've said, I presume this has gone on a while as you have also managed to 'quit' for a bit (I've never managed that unless pregnant, which doesn't really count!) which I'm guessing was due to you seeing it as a problem.

startled welcome, and well done for posting and being so honest. I can so relate to the fear I sense from your post, and the all night drinking. What has helped in the past when you have managed to quit?

paul (love the name!) welcome to you too, and a huge well done on 8 days AF.

ma I love that poem, made me a bit teary. Who is the author?

spanna sounds like you have a lovely couple of weekends planned, hope you and DD enjoy your girly time.

wry you're doing so well. I'm sure you will start to feel the benefits soon. On the (rare) occasions I have managed to stay AF for more than a day or so I feel pretty crap and think what's the point, but it's not untill I start drinking again that I realise actually I felt quite good sober! Keep going, I'm sure you'll find your boing soon! I also wake up at 4/5 am when I've been AF- starting to wonder if I am maybe a 'morning person' after all, it's just been hidden by the booze!!

I did drink last night, despite best intentions. Tonight will be AF, but that's because I'm going to work. Been packing to go away as I go straight after work on Thursday morning. And I just took the stitches out of my knee (from a sober fall for once I feel the need to add!), which is a relief as they were itching and driving me mad, and it doesn't look too bad!

Anyway I'm going to attempt a little nap then get myself off to work. Hope everyone's ok xxx

Spanna some great advice from you there Babe. And how clever you are to remember everyone's names!

What happened to HalleBerry? She was in a bad way and then disappeared. Has anyone heard from her?

Elba it's by Wendell Berry. I like his stuff

Good evening babes, sorry i've been mia for a few days. All is reasonable ok here, I've been away so have been drinking but no more than a bottle a day (not too bad considering first drink was usually at lunch...) Anyway, home now and back to the sober life. I'm just trying to keep control of it as i know i won't get many more chances. Wry its still a bit awk with my DH as he's definitely watching now...which annoys me (i am 100% a rebel so it almost encourages me to be difficult!)

Elba heard from the alcohol services yesterday, apparently i'm not deemed 'bad' enough to get help from this particular service but they did refer me to another service which provides counselling - which is all i really wanted. Just need to do it. When does your counselling start? Is it early august?

Wry I hope your pup is ok, poor thing. You are such a caring person though, i'm sure pooch loves you so very much. So pleased you enjoy the online jigsaws, they fill the time don't they!

Lala please don't go, you're not failing anyone and I like to read your posts. Your funny stories about your pup do make me chuckle.

Ma what a beautiful thistle pic! Gorgeous. I am so glad to read that your veteran has got a job....its confidence building even if its not ideal. the structure it provides will do him the world of good.

lady wowwwwwweeee 30 days! High five! Dead impressed. And a sober holiday to boot. Well done!

Sorry to anyone i've missed and glad to be back. Lots of love to you lovely babes.

Fuckit. After all my procrastinating I have ended up having a (small) glass of wine! I had a half bottle in the fridge and needed some for my recipe, so I used half and the other half has found its way into my glass. I am half enjoying it and half not, and also today has been the first day Ive fancied any wine since I 'stopped' last Sunday.
Hopefully this isn't the start of a slippery slope...!

marry I've also been wondering about Halleberry, hope she's ok.

I've managed an af night tonight as I'm going away tomorrow morning and don't want to risk being hungover. I'm fine not drinking if I have a bit of structure in my life but at the moment I have too much free time, especially when i don't even have to get the kids up for school.

I really don't want to drink whilst I'm away as even one glass can leave me feeling rough. My dm however likes to have a drink and would think I'm being miserable if I stick to coke. If I just had lager I'd be ok as I don't feel compelled to drink more and more of it, however dm knows I don't much like it so would encourage me to have a drink I enjoy.

I've been wondering about halle too. I hope she's ok.

fading how about when you're away having lager instead of a glass of wine with lunch (for example)? I find i can have that, then stop for a bit before having wine (rather than have wine, then want more wine, and more wine)....or you could just tell your dm that you quite like lager now! Peoples tastes do change.

Morning All

Claret good to have you back x

Joey it is a fluke I have a memory like a goldfish

Wry your boing will come - it could be that subconsciously and consciously you are so worried about Bairn that it's hiding for the time being. My sleep was all over the place for the first month or so, mind you, I still wake up at stupid o'clock but that could have something to do with noisy seagulls and not having any curtains at my window something I still haven't sorted out

Lala did you have a good ride yesterday?

Elba so glad your knee's healed well. which dress have you decided on for the wedding? photo please. Please don't forget to eat before you go, big cooked breakfast sorry don't mean to sound like your mother. If you can, drink long soft drinks in between the champs. Above all enjoy yourself lovely x

Fading have a good time away x

All ok here, just looking at the National Citizen Service for DD1, looks really good - have anyone's DC been on it? It's an outreach activity, team building thingy - think I may be too late for this year and she's 18 in May (too old then) so she may be able to go in Autumn or Spring. I'll have to wait and see.

I was thinking about my struggle with being sober and how I just finally did it -

It felt so boring in the beginning - I will never have fun again, what will I say to people (if I tell them I've stopped drinking will they think I'm a sad alchy), I'm bored, what to do, what to do, oh I'll just have one glass (which of course ended up being a whole bottle, always)

It really is about filling your time - so much of my time (especially in the evening) was spent drinking wine. I spent the first few months watching really crap TV, doing online jigsaws, the 'I' quick crossword (lots of cheating), reading chick flick books, walking the dog, posting on this thread etc.
Basically avoiding my old life with my old habits - I couldn't go to the pub on a Friday afternoon - it was too much of a temptation. I do now and it's fine but it took at least a month before I could drink Becks Blue and not want to mug my mates for their pints of cider or glass of wine
Drinking is a hard habit to break, just keep trying Babes x

Morning all,

Off to bed shortly, then another night shift then off on my little trip. I'm half dreading it and half looking foward to it to be honest. There's a big group of us going and a packed itinerary, and a bit of me is dreading four days of being happy and social and not having any space. Hopefully I will be genuinely happy and enjoying it all, but my moods are a bit eratic at the moment and pretending to be fine all the time when I'm not is exhausting. Plus four days of controlling, but not having control over, my drinking. Not sure if that makes sense.

And tomorrow will involve about 10 hours of travelling, which after a 12 hour night shift will not be fun!

BUT, I'm so determined not to get too drunk at the actual wedding. I don't think I can remember the final hours of any wedding I've been to, including when I was maid of honour I am so scared that Sunday I will wake up with that horrible sense of fear, shame and embarrassment, without any memory of what I have said or done. And then have to travel another 10 hours to get home with the awful hangover and anxiety.

Plus I am a proven liability even when sober...I can fall over thin air. If I add alcohol, high heels and being in a foreign country into the equation it's a recipe for disaster!

So the plan is, like spanna said, to eat lots before I go. So I will be preloading with food not alcohol. I know my drinking speeds up the more I drink, so delaying the first drink and drinking those early drinks as slowly as possible is also part of the plan.

I'm also thinking of buying some alcohol to have in my room for after the wedding. Hopefully I won't drink it, but maybe it will prevent the 'end of the night' panic to get as much drink in me as possible while I have the chance. Not sure how logical this is but hey.

claret hope you enjoyed your trip. glad you are going to get some counselling, it will be hard but worth it. Mine starts on Tuesday! It's not with an alcohol service, but I was honest about my dribking at the assessment.

Sorry, I know this has been an epically long and self absorbed post. My plan was to write why I have to keep control over the next few days and screen shot it so I can remind myself. But I've rambled on a bit (can I use being on nights as an excuse?!)

Anyway, will check in hopefully while away but if not have a lovely week babes xxx

Oh and spanna dress number 6 was the chosen one I'm ignoring my credit card statement

Looks shapeless in that photo but it's really not when on