Muslim husband and mild DV

[iniquity]

Hello everyone,
I am looking for some advice, perhaps more constructive than LTB.
We have been married 10 years with two DC. Over that time he has hit me about 5 times over the head. Nothing too serious but it was scary at the time. The latest incident happened yesterday because I told him to shut up when he was criticising my driving. When we got home he pulled me around by my hair and hit my head. We haven't spoken since.
In Islam women are meant to respect their husbands and they can legitimatly hit a women if she is disobedient. I don't want to end the marriage, I'm a year away from completing a nursing course and I need his help. I don't want to be a single mum to two and no job.
Any advice, we are normally reasonably happy. I get very stressed when driving, thats why I told him to shut up.

an abuser does not change and most survivors have made the mistake to give a second chance or thought that they did mend their ways but it did not happen...

Threads like these really don't help the ops.

The op really isn't going to just up and leave him and her life. It really doesn't work like that especially since refuge places are so hard to come by now. Posters bullying her for staying will only push her back to him.

You can go to your local council and be placed in a refuge or B&B but they will want you to go to the police. Personally having been in a refuge with two young dc I wouldn't do it again unless our lives were immediately in danger.

The op is right saying the most dangerous time is leaving.

Make a plan of action op. Don't write anything down and log off of MN so he can't find out what you're doing. You'll be entitled to tax credits and housing benefit so go to the council and explain your circumstances. You'll be able to get a deposit scheme thing from the council and a list of landlords that take housing benefit. Also your hospital may have a nursery for shift workers. The council will have a list of these. You can get free.

The very first step is to decide you want to leave.

Then you make the plan.

It can be done. And you can be safe.
Other people have done it, and from threads here the vast majority are happier. I know I am.

But nothing will happen until you decide that you want out, iniquity.

Hi OP,

I'm sorry you're having such a hard time. I think I can understand the things you're saying - your finding his behaviour unacceptable, your desire to complete your course, your worries about single parenthood, your sadness about everything you've invested in the marriage and what comes across as your growing acceptance that no level of DV is an acceptable level are not mutually incompatible things, despite what some posters here would have you believe. It's perfectly possible to think and feel all those things at the same time. I'm sorry that some of these posts have been judgemental rather than understanding.

I do not condone DV, under the guise of Islam or otherwise, but I do recognise that the cultural conceptions of men and women's roles differ. This isn't to excuse your husbands behaviour - but it does complicate the situation for you somewhat, and people telling you it shouldn't matter are missing the point. It changes the situation from the one most UK posters with no experience of other cultures would recognise.

Practical things to think about:

1. Your course. Exactly how much more is there to do? Is there a summer break before another full academic year? As a pp suggested, it could be possible to intermit for a year and return to it later. This would give you a year (potentially plus a summer) to establish a more stable life. Find out a. if this is possible, b. what financial help would be available to you under your new circumstances (look into hardship funds as well as bursaries - single parents are often prioritised). Look into what childcare options would be available to you. If intermitting isn't possible, please talk to a tutor or similar. They may be able to offer you more specific help and advice tailored to helping you complete the course to the best of your abilities.

1. However soon you decide to act, an emergency plan is a good idea. A pp suggested getting together the documents (passports, birth certificates, banking information etc) that you would not want to be without in a safe place. Can you make a plan in your head of where you would go if the immediate need arose? Where are your family? In this country / the city where you live or elsewhere? Do you have a network of friends? Even if there is no-one close, is there anyone you could reach out to?

1. Consider your financial position. Long term, you could apply through the courts for child support but what access to finances do you have now / would you have if you left? Do you have any savings in your own name? Further practical steps you would need to take depend on your answers to the above.

1. Inform yourself properly on what Islam says about the way men should treat women. This is as much for your own mental clarity as anything else. I am not familiar with their work, but I imagine the charity linked to above would be a good place to start.

It's a really difficult situation. I wish you all the best.

Agreed that threads like this do nothing constructive to help the Op. I hope someone will come along with a suggestion of a place where she can find someone to talk to which is what she really needs.

Your husbands religion has nothing to do with the fact he abuses you.

It's easy for us to say leave him, but we are just strangers on the Internet.

Id get in touch with someone who knows you personally.

Have you spoken to your husband about his violence?

womensaid (online helpline) are full of resources and can help you put a plan together as well as direct you toward helpful services. Good luck.

What I need is a way of controlling his temper so I can finish my course.

There is a way to do this, sort of. If you do whatever he wants, and devote a significant amount of time to anticipating his whims, and never assert yourself, and walk on eggshells around him, and live your life in constant tension and fear, and acquire lifelong mental scars in the process... he may not hit you very often. But if he senses rebellion in you, or if you try to control anything, or he simply feels you aren't as cowed as he would like, he will hit you again.

The purpose of his temper is to control you. You can't control it, and I would bet that his violence will escalate as you get closer to finishing your degree and not "needing" him, because the goal of his violence will always be to convince you that you need him. And look - it's working. You're convinced that it's better to tolerate him hitting both you and your kids than to be "in poverty".

You will be able to think much, much more clearly (and earn your degree more easily, I'll bet) in a place of your own where nobody ever raises a hand to you, and where you know that nobody ever has justification to do so. If you have to postpone your degree for a while, so be it. People have lived through worse many a time, and I would honestly make priority one having 100% less violence in your life, because there is no underestimating its toxic and pervasive effect.

What do you need to take that first step? What if you challenged your belief about the terribleness of poverty and joblessness and began looking into what it would actually entail to be on your own? What if you spoke to Women's Aid and could get their help in figuring out a plan to be out ASAP?

In the meantime, please do stay safe - I'd suggest using incognito browsing to read this thread and/or making sure you clear your browser cache of anything about DV/abuse/escape you look at.

I wasn't meaning to be nasty at all op but I can just imagine in 20 years time your DIL asking others why her DH is behaving this way and why did her MIL let this happen to her and her now DH as a child.

It's just not fair on you and your son OP.

You both deserve to not have to tread on eggshells.

But you have to be proactive - the only people who can help your sons and you are you.

Are you parents about to support you?

I am not Muslim but I sometimes wonder if some groups of society are more concerned with 'keeping up appearances' and 'Family honour' than others. I know my lovely MIL who was not from the UK was weirdly obsessed with what the neighbours thought of her. She stayed with my deeply unpleasant FIL (who is now deceased) because she thought it was what her mother would have wanted. She actually used to tell me that. It was very sad.

Anyway, the point I was trying to make is that you mustn't worry about what people think. You've really tried to make your marriage work but it hasn't. It isn't your fault, not even a tiny little bit.

I find it worrying that your DH hasn't got better over the years. You might have hoped that with age he might mature a little especially as you have been tiptoeing around him.

If your parents are aren't about do you perhaps have someone else in real life who you can talk to. I understand that things must be looking very bleak for you at the moment.

OP

This is quite frightening. It sounds like he started hitting you around the time that your first was born? and he decided to control himself to get you to have another; and now you have, the hitting has restarted.

It doesn't sound like you need to "help" him keep control - the above plus his decision to hit you once you were at home, not in the car, sounds like he is extremely calculating.

Are you planning on modifying your behaviour again, now that the abuse is back? I am not having a go at you, but you do need to think about this if you plan on getting throu another year before you go. Will your older child start having to modify his behaviour too, do you think?

You want to finish your course which is laudable, and I'm not suggesting you don't, as that is the best way forward and to ensure you and your children have a secure and happy future, which is free from abuse.

Do you have no family or friends who can help with childcare? Is there not some sort of creche at your work/training institution? Would childcare vouchers help - no idea how they work, but check them out.

He will have to pay child maintenance, finances may be better than you immediately assume. You can go and talk to CAB, as well as WA. Don't forget police if he starts dragging you around by your hair again (why didn't you call them when he did that?). Call 101 and ask for the dv unit. You can talk to them and get more advice. This will also have the effect of flagging up your number and address, so that they can get to you quickly in the event you need them fast.

OP, you said you want advice on how to reduce his temper. Can't you see that you are looking at this problem from the wrong angle?

There is nothing you can do to stop someone from hitting you, if they are the type of person to hit, they will find an excuse to do it. It doesn't really matter if it's every week or once a year, it's his behaviour and not yours that is the problem.

I'm really sorry you don't feel like there's a way out because of your course. But who's to say how 'serious' these attacks will become. It does sound rather like you are attempting to normalize his abuse.

There are support networks in place. Please ring Women's Aid. Get out of this abusive marriage now. It will be hard, yes, but you won't be living in fear, waiting for the next attack. And you will be showing your kids what a strong woman looks like.

Iniquity, it is too dangerous for you to stay with this man. Dv being common in his home country doesn't mean he won't go too far and hurt you badly, or kill you. You deserve not to be hit. Even if you don't believe he will kill you, this is not acceptable
I don't blame you for not wanting to go into a shelter. But you are taking a gamble with your life, and your precious children's lives by staying.

Please call women's aid.

I think at the very least you can demonstrate complete rejection of his trying to assert a religious entitlement to beat you however lightly. It is unfortunately a view that is not an uncommon interpretation of certain verses but that does NOT mean you should accept it as valid. If a husband tries to use it as a defense for dv that needs to be nipped in the bud, however infrequent it is he needs to be aware it is wrong even if he was taught otherwise- if he can't even recognize that then the problem is even more serious and at the very least you should feel strong in stating it is wrong and unacceptable. Do you think your other Muslim female peers would say beating lightly is acceptable ever?

Does this mean that when you qualify as a nurse, should you encounter a patient with injuries (physical or mental), that if the perpetrator was a Muslim you'll condone it and shrug your shoulders passing it off as a cultural thing to be accepted? ?? If so you're a disgrace to the nursing profession! Unlikely, so stop condoning it for yourself!

Please be careful.
I've recently posted here about violence that was inflicted on me..there had only been two or three minor / mild incidents prior to the recent attack and these were over a year apart. I didn't feel in danger or that I was a victim of dv...however last month I was subject to an assault that could easily have killed me. It only takes one attack. Anything involving the head is very dangerous ground and pulling around by the hair shows potential for a serious attack. Don't risk leaving your little ones without a mum.

Metoo, hope you're safe and recovering (and that he's locked away).