Muslim husband and mild DV

[iniquity]

Hello everyone,
I am looking for some advice, perhaps more constructive than LTB.
We have been married 10 years with two DC. Over that time he has hit me about 5 times over the head. Nothing too serious but it was scary at the time. The latest incident happened yesterday because I told him to shut up when he was criticising my driving. When we got home he pulled me around by my hair and hit my head. We haven't spoken since.
In Islam women are meant to respect their husbands and they can legitimatly hit a women if she is disobedient. I don't want to end the marriage, I'm a year away from completing a nursing course and I need his help. I don't want to be a single mum to two and no job.
Any advice, we are normally reasonably happy. I get very stressed when driving, thats why I told him to shut up.

So why did you even start a thread if it's all ok and reasonable then?

OP it is domestic violence end of.

I can tell you right now that the two Muslim women I know would NOT put up with what you are coping with. Both their husbands are Muslim too and neither of them would agree with what your husband is doing.

I never said its reasonable, I just wanted a bit of support, and there were quite a few who gave me some support , helpful suggestions . I'm sorry I couldn't thank them all individually. I was a bit shocked at being called, stupid a.liar and a child abuser.
I think some people are a bit naive to think abuse stops as soon as the women says she is leaving or indeed leaves. It can make things worse.
Leaving has to be planned very carefully. I was looking for that practical advice and I did get it, so thank you to those posters.

Glad you've come back Iniquity and I am glad you are getting some support from this thread.

Please keep in touch and let us know what you are doing, as and when you are ready.

There are people here who have been through what you are going through and can give you really practical and emotional support.

Thank you toadgirl, I wrote the thread hoping to get advice from women who understood my situation. I was shocked that someone came onto write that they would never let it happen to them!
I'm glad that poster has stopped posting now and I hope she doesn't come back.

Women are 70 times more likely to be killed in the two weeks that they leave a violent partner.

But most of that is trying to leave, or because their partners sense they are leaving, or because they haven't gone to a safe place.

You can leave in safety. It means he has to have no inkling at all. It also means finding a place that he doesn't know about.

You are just trying to justify it to yourself staying, when you say what happens in other countries, or in his religion.
It has NO bearing on you, in the country you live in or your life.

You must do what is best for you and your children, and that is, undoubtedly, to live free from someone who physically attacks their partner (and his children as well).

It is scary to leave, but think about the alternatives.
Living afraid of what he'll do next vs feeling safe and relaxed in your own home.

I chose the second and you can too.

I wrote the thread hoping to get advice from women who understood my situation.

Meaning women who want to stay with an abuser?

Women who have left an abusive relationship or whose parents had one, do understand your situation, and they know the best is to leave the abuser.

He is looking down on you. Why do you have to be obedient to him? Because you are one of his possession and he is superior. If he finds something that justify him hitting you he clearly things this is the case. How far could this go? LTB

Just because DV is tolerated in other countries doesn't make it ok here or anywhere.

You husband knows it's wrong. Him delaying punishing you and him hitting other things shows he knows exactly what he is doing. He is a nasty, ignorant and stupid man. His behaviour is not normal. I hope you can see that.

I guess the thing that concerns me is that small children are very very annoying. The endless questions. The endless demands. The pointless tantrums. I love my two infinitely but at times they have hit a 12 (out of 10) on May Richter scale of annoyingness.

Being told to shut up when you are criticising someone's driving is what.... a three? a four? So if he hits you around the head for that - what does will he do to them on that very very long afternoon when you are at college, the teething baby hasn't stopped crying for 8 hours straight and the toddler has tantrum number 3 about the fact that his toast is in (asked for) rectangles when he wanted triangles?

How old was your child before your DH started hitting him? Aren't you scared that your husband might loose it with your kids when they are older.

Meanwhile the children are witnessing how to treat women...

Lweji, when we first married he was quite abusive but I modified my behaviour, he got a new job and life together has been very pleasant these last few years.
Only now the temper seems to be coming back.
I'm not scared for my children. The temper seems to be directed at me because of the mysongynist culture he comes from.
I know I shouldn't blame the religion. I suppose I love him so much I was hoping it wasn't his fault.
I really wanted to have a wonderful life with him, but now it looks like I'll be stuck in b and bs or sink estates with no job and no money for the rest of my life with social workers makingy life hell and thats before Brexit, who knows what will happen to single mums in the future.

Whoever the temper is directed at, your children are taking in the message that it is ok to treat women like this! Is this who you want hem to become?

OP, if you are a student nurse, you must have a tutor and maybe access to student counselling? I can understand you wanting to complete your training and so have a better chance of being independent, but it may be an option to take a year out of training and then complete when you feel more settled, just a thought.

Of course you can't control it.

It's all him and he likes controlling you, and hitting you.

Shallishanti, that is a good point, I might try that.

Oh love you should not have to modify your behaviour to ensure a peaceful life. He has really done a number on you hasn't he?

Please keep posting and getting support from people who have been through this. It's not his religion to blame it's him using that religion to justify his actions. FWIW the Muslim men I know would never treat their wives in this way because they are decent human beings. Interestingly they would say their faith does NOT support such actions. Religion when taken to extremes can be used to justify anything an abuser wants it to.

You're being a bit immature saying you'll have social workers sniffing round and you'll be living a shit life in "sink estates" with no money.

If you stay with this abusive man then yes, SW might become involved but he has to financially support you and the kids so you'll have some money.

Why do you want to be with a man who controls you? Why don't you want more for yourself? Never mind your children..

Modify your behaviour? You're not a dog!

Please make a plan to leave with your children, OP. This man can't and won't change. Please, please do not raise your children in a house where DV is 'acceptable'

Bless you Op. I completely understand that you don't want to walk out on your marriage but something drastic needs to happen. What I find most worrying is that he didn't hit you in the heat of the moment, which would still be unacceptable. However he chose to wait until you got home to 'punish' you. He possesses self control but he chooses not to exercise it. He doesn't respect you, he sees you as subordinate to him. That is not a good foundation for a marriage. I have no real life experience of dealing with domestic violence. I can only suggest you go online and find an organisation that can talk things over with you. Btw your dh being Muslim has nothing to do with his behaviour. My dh is Muslim and I remember reading a book about Islam which contained a quote from the prophet 'The best of you is he who is best to his wife.' A good Muslim looks after his family.

Lweji, it is all about control. However his behaviour was good for the last 7 years or so. I was so proud of myself for not leaving him and making the marriage work.
I do feel like a fool now, even more so now we have the new baby. That is why we had such a big gap. I finally felt confident the abuse had stopped.

And your children don't have to have a life of b&bs. They can lead a much happier and safer life away from an abuser.

I've been in your shoes, so no judgement there.

But you can do something now. You don't have to be stuck.

You should be scared for your children. It is extremely distressing for children to see their mother in such a situation. It will absolutely scar them for life.