Muslim husband and mild DV

[iniquity]

Hello everyone,
I am looking for some advice, perhaps more constructive than LTB.
We have been married 10 years with two DC. Over that time he has hit me about 5 times over the head. Nothing too serious but it was scary at the time. The latest incident happened yesterday because I told him to shut up when he was criticising my driving. When we got home he pulled me around by my hair and hit my head. We haven't spoken since.
In Islam women are meant to respect their husbands and they can legitimatly hit a women if she is disobedient. I don't want to end the marriage, I'm a year away from completing a nursing course and I need his help. I don't want to be a single mum to two and no job.
Any advice, we are normally reasonably happy. I get very stressed when driving, thats why I told him to shut up.

Hitting objects is a danger sign in itself. Think about it - it isn't really 'controlling' anything, is it?

noiwontmoveover

I am aware of that however OP states she would be at the bottom of the list so that indicates she is in the uk. So take you patronising elsewhere.

This is not okay in any religion, country or culture.

He is abusing you and your children and you should get away from him.

I was in a violent relationship, infrequent but peobably because I learnt to walk on eggshells. I completed a nursing degree with shift work then started working, again shifts. When I finally broke free childcare was extremely difficult and still is. However I've negotiated with my manager and have been put in an area that is clinics, so mainly office hours, and with after school/ breakfast clubs, I make it work. It's hard but but satisfying, it would be easier but soul destroyong if I was still with him. Plus my dc's would have been affected seeing their mum being put down/ having to guard her words or being hit!

Some spectacularly bullying responses here.

Practical steps:
Recognise what he does IS abusive.
Seek counselling.
Women's Aid and the Muslim helpline a previous poster linked might help.
Make sure you pass your final year.
Make plans to leave once you're qualified.
Save save save.
Look into your legal position - it may be possible for you to stay in your house and him leave.
Get RL support, develop a network of family and friends and colleagues you can rely on.

Good luck.

Make that plan.

Not read through, but what is your Iman like? Approachable, sympathetic? Or maybe your fil? Could they point out that this not how a good man behaves.
However, I do agree with everyone else, religion is being used as an excuse here. You are minimising, this is dv, that's it. It's illegal and immoral.
(Btw, the poster that copied the verses from the Koran, the second one especially was beautiful)

Sorry but I disagree with make plans to leave once you qualify.

He is hitting his wife and children, one of which is less than a year old. Why the fuck would anyone want to prolong that??

I don't think op has been bullied I think posters are just appalled at her attitude and frankly being to,d all is ok is the wrong thing to do.
The
OP already justify S his violence towards her it would be wrong for people to tell her it's ok to justify his violence towards the children.

The youngest does not get smacked

Then why do you keep referring to him smacking the children?

Does the OP sound like she's in a position to leave now? I'm suggesting she spends the next year building her emotional resilience so she is able to leave from a position of strength, rather than leave tomorrow in a position of weakness, and probably end up going back to him.

In practice you can't really build emotional resilience while staying with an abuser.
It is easier away from him. And safer too.
It is also quite difficult to pin point when we think we have that resilience.

What is keeping you with him, iniquity?
Is it just the practicalities? What you think the children feel? Your feelings towards him?

Could you really allow your children to be hit as well as yourself for the next 12 months?

Sick.

OP needs to put the wheels in motion. She needs to contact the right support groups and plan to get out of there ASAP. Not sit around for a year going oh yes well it's only mild DV, no harm done.

What on earth is your relationship teaching your boys?!

That they can hit their partners?! It's ok, they're Muslim?

Honestly what a sad depressing thread.

You can't see you're bein abused yourself OP. You are not responsible for his temper nor can you control it.

OP are you in denial about your husband hitting your baby, who is less than a year old?

He does smack the children, but not hard. They are both boys which I'm happy about.

He only smacks the kids, not hard enough to leave a mark.

He doesn't beat the children, just a bum smack that many parents do

He is hitting your baby and you are doing nothing to prevent it.

titchy, if someone is being hit around the head by their spouse, they need uk leave immediately. Not in a year.

Fgs, she could be dead in a year.

Fgs, she could be dead in a year.

Or her baby could be.

^ Exactly.

She can have all the emotional resilience in the world but it's not going to be much use if the next time her husband wants to make a point he ends up killing her. Because that's all it takes sometimes - 1 blow to the wrong spot in the head and game over.

That's why I will never do anything but encourage someone to leave when there's been violence. I wouldn't want it on my conscience.

Let's not frighten OP away from her own support thread.

There's only one frightening person - your husband, iniquity - and he should be the one you get away from.

She never wanted support she wanted to be told how best to stay in a violent relationship.

Many people start threads about how to deal with an abusive partner and then leave them.
It's part of the process.
How the OP starts and where she ends up are quite different things.

Best of luck op. I hope you get to see your children grow up.

Oh FGS stop snarking and nitpicking. That's exactly what's wrong with the thread.

You can't expect dark predictions of her own demise to chime with OP, because that's not how he currently feels about her situation. She thinks she's handling the situation and handling the DH, r which is the perfectly normal psychology of DV.

Yy Lweji.

OP wanted advice to stop him hitting her. Sadly that's not in her control so she has been given advice to help her get away from the hitting instead.

She is now going to call women's aid. That's a good step forward.

How the OP starts and where she ends up are quite different things

Yes, this.