Muslim husband and mild DV

[iniquity]

Hello everyone,
I am looking for some advice, perhaps more constructive than LTB.
We have been married 10 years with two DC. Over that time he has hit me about 5 times over the head. Nothing too serious but it was scary at the time. The latest incident happened yesterday because I told him to shut up when he was criticising my driving. When we got home he pulled me around by my hair and hit my head. We haven't spoken since.
In Islam women are meant to respect their husbands and they can legitimatly hit a women if she is disobedient. I don't want to end the marriage, I'm a year away from completing a nursing course and I need his help. I don't want to be a single mum to two and no job.
Any advice, we are normally reasonably happy. I get very stressed when driving, thats why I told him to shut up.

I hope OP manages to take the first step.

10 years with a controlling abuser won't be undone overnight.

Thanks for the reports about this thread. We've removed a number of posts which we felt were really out of a place on a thread where the OP is asking for support.

iniquity, we can see you're getting some good advice here. We also have a domestic violence webguide here which has links to organisations which may be able to offer you more support. Please take a look.

We really hope that you and your children are okay.

What are the child protection implications here? Is it really valid to do the hair stroking and back patting "there there pet you take all the time you need" while her dc lI've with this abuser?
I understand it's hard. I get it, within the limits of my experience. But while two small children are involved then they need to be removed from the situation as quickly as possible. Their mum has a (small) choice. They have none. They are completely at the mercy of their parents.

You are just presuming the hostels are full, have yiu actually spoken to them. Do you want your sons to grow up thinking it's acceptable to hit women ?

This is such a sad thread. OP, I'm curious as to how old you are (just an approx age so you don't out yourself).

It's just awful that you think this DV is mild and that you think that the fact your DH claims to be a Muslim makes it OK. I hope this thread is helping you realise just how bad your situation is. I know it must be very scarey for you.
I think the most frightening thing is the calculated way that your husband waited before he attacked you. That is seriously nasty. It's not normal behaviour.

You mentioned that your kids 'adore' him but I promise you that if they knew and understood that he physically attacks you that their 'adoration' would turn to hate.

If you are not able to leave then you must stop him from hitting your kids. I don't know how old they are but it is NEVER ok to hit a child. He is obviously a nasty shit so if he thinks you are ok with tapping the kids on the bum then what's to stop him thinking it's ok to beat them. Even the best behaved kids test your patience as they get older. What do you think will happen if one of your DCs get bolshy or naughty as they get older? Can you trust your DH not to lash out. If you can't then you really don't have an option to stay with him.

Is there a reason you can't move back with your parents. If one of my children was going through what you are going through I would be desperate to support them.

Maybe you can reread this thread later. I know there are some stupid unhelpful posts but in amongst them are plenty of helpful and supportive ones. Think about what you would advice someone else to do in your situation.

Good luck.

If you are in London, it's also worth talking to Southall Black Sisters- they have an emergency DV helpline. They are a secular organisation helping BME women. I've personal experience of referring people to them. They will have a great understanding of any cultural issues you might face, but have no tolerance for DV. If you approach community leaders for help, or a religiously-focused charity, there's a risk that they will minimise the violence for cultural/religious reasons.

I suggest you can the Muslim womens helpline. Unfortunately the hours are short but I have heard they are supportive:
www.mwnhelpline.co.uk

There are lots of things I want to say but it didn't seem that you are ready to hear them all OP. So two things.

1. Pack an emergency services pack with your and children's passports bank details etc (photocopies if necessary). Just in case you change your mind about leaving.

1. Does he is hit people on the street or at work etc. No? Then he is capable of controlling his temper but choosing not to abuse you.

I'm coming from a Muslim family. My parents are Muslim. I have never seen my father to hit my mum. Not even swearing... And we are not religious... Although we are Muslims by birth.
I dated someone, he is Muslim. I didn't commit to him because he sworn at me and emotionally abused me as I didn't agree with his offer. Mumsnet made me understand that the criticism and subtle words some men use is called Abuse.
It's nothing to do with the religion. It is the personality of the person.
Your husband is an abuser.

It is totally up to you how you turn this situation in your life.
Wishing you health and happiness

My brother is an imam and has never, ever raised his hand to my dsil who has a strong and sometimes difficult character. They have been married for nearly forty years now.

Mild DV? There is no scale of DV. Domestic violence is just that and is abhorrent. Your husband is a violent bully. Imagine for one minute your daughter was asking you the same question with the same information you have given us. Take care.

I can't think of any advice that would be more constructive than 'LTFB'! Why condemn yourself to a life of violence and fear? Is this what you dreamt of when you were a little girl, or did you believe you were worth more? You still are.

And OP, as a single parent to more than two dc, who's also studying I can assure you what I'm doing is far, far easier than attempting to study and raise a family from beyond the grave (I'm sorry to be blunt but men who murder their wives start off like your husband - and my husband for that matter).

Personally I'd stay until my course was completed. It's shift work and wouldn't be possible to do as a single parent.

Then I'd leave him the minute it was completed. Make a get out plan, hide a nest egg of money, photos, stuff you don't want to leave. Sort out a flat so your dc aren't in a hostel.

If the violence escalates to anything more then slapping or hair pulling then leave. Especially if he strangles you but having a qualification and a nest egg will really help your new life.

It's quite a big gamble you're recommending there.

Hello OP, just going to post this link to the Muslim Women's helpline on domestic violence in the hope that you get the support you need. You have done such a brave thing in posting this thread and I am sorry that the response you have received has been hostile in cases - that was the last thing you needed!

It is quite normal for women who are being hit by their partners to try to find ways of controlling their partners' temper. But other posters are right - that isn't something which you can control, and it isn't your fault that you can't somehow influence him to behave better. Please have a chat with someone better trained than us who will know how to help

www.mwnhelpline.co.uk/issuesstep2.php?id=14

OP

Did he start hitting you when you were pregnant with your first, or not long after the birth? If so, that's quite a common pattern as abusive men know that women become more vulnerable after they have a child.

leave. Especially if he strangles you

Don't, OP.
If he ever strangles you, you could be too dead to leave.
That is the risk you take by staying..
You can't control what he does.

Just wanted to say that it sounds to me like he is controlling you by hitting objects.

Do you / your boys change your behaviour as a result?

Do you / your boys try to be "better" because dad is in a bad mood?

That's not right. You know it's not right. You deserve better.

To answer the question in your original OP, I am sorry, but absolutely nothing that you do, now or in future will change who your DH is.

I can't believe some people are recommending the OP stays until she finishes her course.

I get that it might be a practical idea, but are you all missing the fact that he's hitting a baby, who is less than a year old?

I don't get it either, Worra. It's bizarre.

You are breeding future abusers, I'm afraid. There is no better preparation for a life as an abuser than a childhood being abused, seeing abuse, and having it normalised by family.

You're disregarding your own wellbeing, that of your children, and potentially that of anyone they might come across in later life.

Do you live in an Islamic country?

Well then the law says he has committed a crime.

You are not an Islamic woman, so why the fuck should you have to follow his rules?

Honestly hiding behind a religion to abuse someone (a woman or child ironically - never stronger men).

If you think sorting out your nursing qualification is more important than not being abused or showing your children this is normal then that's fine, up to you.

My advice? Leave.

But honestly otherwise good luck. I hope you don't have girls as hell do the same when they are teens and step out of line.

Thanks for the supportive posts.
I would like to say once again he has never smacked the baby.
When I said he smacked the kids, I meant the kid. Sorry for the confusion. I do not believe smacking on the bottom to be child abuse. I do not like it as a discipline method. But I do not beleive such children belong in the care system.
As for hitting me on the head, yes it is dv. I do not believe he would ever hit me hard enough to cause serious injury but I do not like to be abused and I want to leave.
If people on here think I'm stupid, or any other women experiencing abuse is also stupid I would like to say one thing. Women are 70 times more likely to be killed in the two weeks that they leave a violent partner. I live in the UK but in my husband's country dv is normal and sometimes supported by local imams provided it is not serious.

He is not controlling his temper hitting objects he is controlling you.

He is teaching you that everytime he hits something that could be you instead.

It is designed to make you modify your behaviour to be a good little wife.

It is nothing to do with temper. If he hit through loss of temper it would be you, the kids, his family, work colleagues, stranger. Anyone who caused him to lose his temper.

I bet he doesn't hit and of them though does he.

Because he knows they would not stand for it and that it is criminal behaviour.