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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Muslim husband and mild DV

219 replies

iniquity · 10/07/2016 14:01

Hello everyone,
I am looking for some advice, perhaps more constructive than LTB.
We have been married 10 years with two DC. Over that time he has hit me about 5 times over the head. Nothing too serious but it was scary at the time. The latest incident happened yesterday because I told him to shut up when he was criticising my driving. When we got home he pulled me around by my hair and hit my head. We haven't spoken since.
In Islam women are meant to respect their husbands and they can legitimatly hit a women if she is disobedient. I don't want to end the marriage, I'm a year away from completing a nursing course and I need his help. I don't want to be a single mum to two and no job.
Any advice, we are normally reasonably happy. I get very stressed when driving, thats why I told him to shut up.

OP posts:
toadgirl · 10/07/2016 14:34

I'm sorry, but I don't understand what your post is about, OP.

You say:

My husband hits me and the children
How can I control him?

Err....you can't! The fact he hits you means he is out of control. If you even tried to fight back (verbally or physically), the situation would escalate. Surely you realise that?

You are asking for the impossible, I'm afraid. Please think about your boys, as well as yourself.

You say you are in the last year of a nursing course. Correct me if I'm wrong, but I do believe that as a nurse you will be trained to look out for signs of DV on patients you see and to report to the necessary authorities. That is how to take care of people. Why don't you want the same for yourself?

TheDuchyOfGrandFenwick · 10/07/2016 14:35

How.do.you feel about talking things through with women's aid?

Timetogrowup2016 · 10/07/2016 14:35

Run now before he ruins yours and your kids lives. Take the kids and get out.

OldFarticus · 10/07/2016 14:35

My husband is Muslim OP and if he ever touched a hair on my head I would divorce him without blinking. Right after I had him charged with assault.

You cannot control his temper. Only he can do that - and he is obviously choosing not to.

Please set an example to your boys - how will they learn physical violence is never acceptable if their own mother condones it?

AttilaTheMeerkat · 10/07/2016 14:35

iniquity,

re your comment:-
"I'm happy to have boys because he would treat the girls worse as they get older. The boys atleast will have freedom"

What about your own freedom then?. As a female do you really not matter as much?

His boys will likely become abusers like your H is and they will continue what they have been shown. After all we learn about relationships first and foremost from our parents. You're also doing your bit here to damage them by putting up and shutting up due to spurious religious reasons.

What do you know about him in terms of his background, you write that his father is nice but did not mention his mother.

Just5minswithDacre · 10/07/2016 14:37

TBH, LTB can be very constructive advice.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 10/07/2016 14:39

You were likely expecting a far different set of responses from the ones you have received.

I will tell you now that leaving this thread will not help you either, it will not make the domestic violence you are suffering go away. You also cut off another supply of help and advice and by your very hand too if you do that.

You know deep down this is wrong, you would not have posted otherwise.

Idiotxit · 10/07/2016 14:39

He does smack the children, but not hard. They are both boys which I'm happy about

Your boys deserve better. They deserve a childhood that's free from being assaulted by one parent, and having it overlooked by the other.

Lweji · 10/07/2016 14:39

I'm sorry but the only constructive advice that can be given to DV victims is to leave their abuser.

If you were your husband asking, people would probably tell him to make sure you were safe and for him to get help away from you.

Your worries are understandable. If you can't get out before your training is complete, keep a low profile until you can, but please don't keep using excuses not to free yourself.
One day he may well hit you just a bit too hard and your children could lose you.

But you cannot control his temper. Only he can do that. If he wants to hit you and control you, he will use new excuses.

Remember: you don't cause it and you can't control it.
What you can do is walk away from it.

Shinyshoes2 · 10/07/2016 14:40

You're as bad as him looking the other way while he hits his children
Those poor poor kids . Don't stand a chance with parents like you two Sad

KittyLaRoux · 10/07/2016 14:40

I have never hit my children and nobody I know does.

You are leaving the thread because it has made you uncomfortable. Good.

Allowing your husband to treat you and your children this way is wrong and the fact that you are putting your nursing degree above all else says a lot.

You cannot control his actions but you can control your own.

Contact women's aid and save yourself and your children from becoming just another sad statistic Sad

CiderwithBuda · 10/07/2016 14:41

The thing is none of us can give you what you want. We can't control his temper. We can't make him into a man that doesn't hit. He is A violent man. He allows himself to do it. He chooses to do it. He has chosen to believe that he can hit you around the head as he has no respect for you.

Nobody can change that except him.

You can change you r behaviours but it doesn't mean he won't hit you. He takes his frustrations out on you. He is also calculating as he waited yesterday until you were home after the car incident.

TheresAlwaysTimeForTea · 10/07/2016 14:41

I live in the UAE and this is not normal and would be treated as an assault. His religion is not an excuse.

DampSqid · 10/07/2016 14:42

I'm an atheist but I can imagine ANY God being ok with ANY violence.

Original poster
iniquity · 10/07/2016 14:42

Attila, I was expecting to be told I was stupid in this thread.
What is worse being hit every few years or living in poverty, no job.
If I thought he was abusing the kids if course I would leave, but they adore him.

OP posts:
DetestableHerytike · 10/07/2016 14:43

Please talk to women's aid, OP. You cannot control his temper, only your response, which is to plan your exit.

Lorelei76 · 10/07/2016 14:44

Damp "I'm an atheist but I can imagine ANY God being ok with ANY violence."

do you mean "can" or did you mean to type "can't"?

OP, your sons will learn to hit their partners too.

DampSqid · 10/07/2016 14:44

Typo CANT not can. Surely No God would condone violence of any description.

Goingtobeawesome · 10/07/2016 14:44

How is it not helping? Is it because you just want someone to say it's okay, normal and acceptable for your husband to assault you and your children? You won't get that as it isn't.

I know it would be hard to leave but if he goes too far and kills you it would be harder for your children to live with that. Mummy dead. Killed by daddy.

DetestableHerytike · 10/07/2016 14:44

It is worse being with someone who hits you because he is angry as you have no way of knowing when that might escalate,

TheresAlwaysTimeForTea · 10/07/2016 14:45

Hitting your wife is not normal OP, I live in the UAE and it is not tolerated here. It would be classed as an assault. Support wise, if you don't want to anger him, then don't tell him to shut up. In fact don't voice any opinions that he will feel are challenging to him. Perhaps best to have no voice whatsoever.

Or... face the fact that he is abusive towards you and confront the issue and leave.

You are minimising his behaviour and therefore allowing it.

Goingtobeawesome · 10/07/2016 14:45

Abused people often appear to adore the abuser. Not sure I need to spell out why.

KittyLaRoux · 10/07/2016 14:45

Why would you be without a job?
Why would you be in poverty?

I would rather that than teach my children violence is ok.

You are rearing another generation of women beaters if you allow this to continue. You can't stop him as he chooses to do it but you can remove yourself and your children.

BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted · 10/07/2016 14:45

He's assaulted you a number of times and he beats his children.

Listen, you cannot control his temper, only he can do that. The only things you could do is never challenge him or disagree with him. Do absolutely everything he says, precisely the way he wants them.

He assaults you and beats his children because he wants to. He believes it's the appropriate way to behave but he is wrong.

The only thing that is guaranteed to happen is that his attacks will escalate. He will not stop of his own volition because he believes he's entitled to behave like this. There is very little you can do to disabuse him of this belief, apart from removing yourself and your boys from his pernicious presence.

I hope to God that you manage to qualify and leave before he either kills you or permanently damages your children. You have a responsibility to them, to protect them from his malign influence. Letting them witness the abuse of their mother will be doing them permanent and irrevocable damage.

Think on that and ask yourself whether any of the opinions on here are "more constructive" that telling you to LTB

Lweji · 10/07/2016 14:46

What is worse being hit every few years or living in poverty, no job.

Do you live in the UK?
Living on benefits is better than living under the threat of physical violence. Certainly better than having your life at risk from your own partner.
Check what you can get in benefits and how much you'd get in child maintenance.
Are there any assets? House, savings, pension? You should get at least half of that, possibly more if you are a stay at home mother.

If I thought he was abusing the kids if course I would leave, but they adore him.
They can adore him and be abused by him.
Your kids probably think you adore him too and you are being abused.