Muslim husband and mild DV

[iniquity]

Hello everyone,
I am looking for some advice, perhaps more constructive than LTB.
We have been married 10 years with two DC. Over that time he has hit me about 5 times over the head. Nothing too serious but it was scary at the time. The latest incident happened yesterday because I told him to shut up when he was criticising my driving. When we got home he pulled me around by my hair and hit my head. We haven't spoken since.
In Islam women are meant to respect their husbands and they can legitimatly hit a women if she is disobedient. I don't want to end the marriage, I'm a year away from completing a nursing course and I need his help. I don't want to be a single mum to two and no job.
Any advice, we are normally reasonably happy. I get very stressed when driving, thats why I told him to shut up.

Was he like this before you were married?
If the answer is yes, you shouldn't have married him. You won't change him. He's obviously been brought up in an environment where it's deemed alright to hit women.

Islam is a red herring. Many many Muslim men don't hit their wives.

Pulling someone by the hair and hitting their head is pretty foul.

You know you can't control his temper for him? He can't control it so how do you think you can?

You have two choices - stay and continue being beaten, and watch your kids being hit too, and risk it escalating until he does one of you serious harm

Leave and make a better life away from this abusive twat

OP, what do you want from this thread?

There isn't any other advice other than LTB. Whether people say it loudly, quietly, nicely or bluntly. The only advice is LTB.

People are getting angry with your responses because you have young vulnerable children who aren't being protected.

I know it's harsh to hear, but people really are trying to help you.

What age does your husband 'start smacking'?

Iniquity, at some point your teenage boys will also think they are allowed to abuse you, possibly smack you. Is this what you want?

BTW, he doesn't have a temper problem. He waited till you got home to attack you. He fully knows what he's doing. Not that it makes it worse or better, as you should still leave. But he is choosing in full conscience to hit you.

I'm not in your shoes no and I never would be . I would NEVER tolerate any man raising a hand to me or my children

Shinyshoes, the OP could live in a country where there is no monetary support network, no social services.
It's easy to say you would never let a man hit you.
But, if you had a choice between finding yourself out on the street, with no money and no roof over your head, you too might find yourself allowing things you normally wouldn't.

There are only 36 placed in the women's hostel. I haven't rung them but they may well be full. I've tried council housing but I'm at the bottom of the list.
He has been controlling the temper by hitting objects instead.
I will ring women's aid. Hope they won't call me stupid.

Shiny your idea of where the blame lies in DV is unhelpful.

Lots of women with kids in DV situations take time to get their heads round the idea of leaving. First they minimise what is happening, as OP is doing. Then something prompts them to ask others if what is happening is really ok.

This is op's first step and she could go either way from here. P lease bear that in mins when you respond.

Glad you are going to ring women's aid. Keep trying if you don't get through at first, they can be busy.

Llweji thats what upset me most, this time it was a conscious act.
The temper he has controlled by hitting objects instead.

Can't believe the abuse towards op. Shameful. OP, you need advice re what support you could get to finish your course as a lone parent. Talk to your tutor or the welfare officer at your uni. Go to citizens advice re housing, benefits etc. And tell a friend so you have some RL support. Good luck.

Iniquity see if the council had numbers for local DV outreach services they can give you.

As a woman fleeing violence you are entitled to register on any council list in the country.

Good post Polly on practical steps.

Any council housing list, I mean.

Bullshit.

I work for housing options trust me everywhere has council housing.

In this country maybe.
but you're living in a dream world if you think every country has social housing and convenient little council offices people can 'pop along' to, every time they have a bit of strife.

Very good idea to ring Women's Aid OP. your husband's behaviour is appalling and cannot be justified. There is no such thing as 'mild' DV - DV is never ever acceptable. What you describe is physical assault - of you and of your children - and if he did it to a stranger on the street, he would be arrested and could be facing jail time. Doing it to his wife and children is every bit as unacceptable

Please don't kid yourself that the children 'adore' him. They are likely terrified of him and want to keep him happy. Start taking steps right now to get yourself and your children away from him. Phone WA and I hope you find them helpful x

Also try the Muslim Women's helpline if you haven't already;

http://www.mwnhelpline.co.uk/issuesstep2.php?id=19

Iniquity, you could get him out of the house. Do contact NCDV or the police who will do it for you.
That would be your housing problems sorted.
WA could guide you through the process.

But, you will be bottom of the list if you don't report DV and if you stay at home. By reporting the violence and if you are forced to leave your home, you should get priority.

You should also report all the violence to protect your children.

Also try the Muslim Women's helpline if you haven't already;

http://www.mwnhelpline.co.uk/issuesstep2.php?id=19

Doesn't matter if you are bottom of the list at least get yourself on the list.
Most councils have private rent and bond schemes they also place those suffering DV higher in the banding.

You say 36 hostels may be full but you don't actually know that so at least try. Women's aid can support your housing application also so it is important to speak with them.

I know I have been harsh op but I don't think the "there there" approach is any good for you as you already minimise his behaviour.
You need to hear the brutal truth as I don't think you will do anything about it if you don't.

He is an abuser don't be one too.

As a student nurse you will have had a lot of safeguarding training. Can you apply some of that know,edge to your own situation? If a woman in your situation presented as your patient, what would your advice be to her? Would you happily discharge her home to the care of her husband? What would you consider the risks in the situation?

Him lashing out at objects in temper is also totally unacceptable OP. It must be terrifying for you and the children

Regardless of religion your husband is a spineless bastard.
Hold your head up high and take your children and leave him.