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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Dh's best mate still living with us (for free) !!

318 replies

frenchconnection · 23/01/2007 10:19

i posted on here a while ago about my dh's mate living with us, he sleeps up in our loft room and pays no rent. my dh was being a complete arse about me moaning about it at first, but now he wishes he never invited his mate here! his mate is lovely and plays with the kids a lot so i cant be horrible and ask him to leave, he has nowhere else to go (though doesnt seem to be looking) and says he is in so much debt that he cant afford normal rents..i plucked up the courage to ask for rent last week, and he said its fine, yet still no money!

i keep asking how the flat-hunting is going (hint hint) yet he just says "oh the rents in london are so high i cant find anything". We have 2 children and i f**king hate queueing up for MY bathroom every morning while he takes 30mins in the shower!!!!!!!!!!! And when i finally get in the bathroom, he'll be knocking at the door saying "are you going to be long??"
when i ask my dh to ask him how long he will be staying, dh just says "why dont i just tell him you want him to leave?" So that would make me look awful!AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAggggggggggggggghhh

OP posts:
theUrbanDryad · 23/01/2007 10:26

ooooh an awkward one, but you have to be brave and give him a deadline. maybe print off some letting lists for him or get some posted out to you? why does he need a whole flat? can't he house share? (except with you??)

it's not YOUR fault he's in debt, and while i'm sure your dh doesn't want to chuck him on the street you have to do something or he'll never leave!!

noddyholder · 23/01/2007 10:30

I would set him a timescale tbh otherwise he will never go as he has it too good with you .Do you need the extra money because you could use it to your advantage otherwise your dh will have to tell him that you want your family home back Difficult though

VioletBaudelaire · 23/01/2007 10:33

"his mate is lovely and plays with the kids a lot so i cant be horrible and ask him to leave".

Er.. yes you can!
He is living rent-free in your house, and you and your husband have been more than generous already.
A true friend would not promise to pay some rent, then not cough up.
Your DH needs to step up and explain the situation, as he is your DH's mate.
He should be polite but firm, and explain that it was never meant to be a long-term solution, and that you cannot afford to support him.
Then give him two weeks notice.

This lodger is using your embarrassment and good-nature to his advantage. He is a grown man, and his money problems are nothing to do with you.
It sounds like he won't get on with looking for somewhere else whilst he has free lodging at your house.

ShinyHappyPeopleHoldingHands · 23/01/2007 10:33

DH has to deal with this; it's only fair. Tell DH he HAS to; it's his responsiblity; that you like his friend but you really don't want him living with you anymore.

ShinyHappyPeopleHoldingHands · 23/01/2007 10:34

Ae you feeding him Fc??

Original poster
frenchconnection · 23/01/2007 10:35

Well the money would be nice as things are always tight financially....but i would rather he left really..
My dh leaves for work at 5am and doesnt return til around 9pm so i am the one who has to entertain his mate both morning and evening, and i never spend any time with dh at all! (dh and i have been having problems lately, so this makes it even harder that we are never alone in the same room together!! and ds,3, sleeps with us!)

Also our house is small so there is no room to breathe, let alone have a private conversation or sex!

OP posts:
ComeOVeneer · 23/01/2007 10:36

This guy has landed with his bum in the butter as they say. He is seriouslytaking advantage of a "friendship". He is Dh's freind and it is therefore his responsibilty to sort it and quickly.

Original poster
frenchconnection · 23/01/2007 10:37

No i dont , and wont, cook for him! he has beans on toast or curry every night!

OP posts:
Imafairy · 23/01/2007 10:39

What if you tell him that you have family members coming to stay for, say a wekk or something, and that he has to move out by then........permanently.

Original poster
frenchconnection · 23/01/2007 10:41

By the way, he has borrowed £200 off dh and we cant see him paying that back any time soon! i tell dh to ask for it back and he just says "oh he will give it to me when he has it!"
The mate visits his girlfriend and her kids (who are on benefits) and quite happily spends/gives wads of cash to them every weekend, as the gf doesnt want to get a job!!plus his train fare across england!

OP posts:
Jessajam · 23/01/2007 10:43

It is HELL having an unofficial lodger. been there, friend of a friend needed somewhere 'between' places...for "a couple of weeks"...stayed 3 months...aaarrgghh!

Easier though as DH was fed up of it too. Dropped LOADS of hints about rent and finding a new place.

Remind him about the rent agreement. Just do it. Get him a standing order form and stand over him while he fills it in (or does he have to do that in the bank? - ignorance showing...) He agreed to pay rent, your turn (again) to make the next move.

He is taking advantage of his friend (your DH) and that is NOT ON. REALLY pisses me off when people rip off their own friends.

(rant rant rant )

Budababe · 23/01/2007 10:44

He is taking you for a mug! Why should he move? OK you don't cook for him but he is living in a clean, warm comfortable home for FREE!

Agree that your DH needs to handle it and he needs to give him a deadline.

Jessajam · 23/01/2007 10:44

If you stop making his life so cushy, he'll leave.

Imafairy's family visiting idea is a very clever one...

Original poster
frenchconnection · 23/01/2007 10:49

Hey i even found some of his dirty clothes in our laundry bin waiting to be washed!!!WTF????????????
Also he uses our washing machine, puts a load on in the morning, goes off to work, and i am left to empty machine and put his clothes on radiators to dry - as i need to use machine! i dont like seeing piles of wet clothes everywhere so i deal with them! plus i work 3/4 days a wk so am knackered!

i keep on hinting, tutting, sighing, moaning that we are broke, asking about flat hunting, but nothing happens!!Even my dd,7, moans about him really LOUDLY ..
Dh barely sees his mate as always working late, and the mate goes away fri- mon (yay!!)

OP posts:
Bozza · 23/01/2007 10:52

I wouldn't be hanging his washing on my radiators to dry. If he leaves it in the machine, stick it in a bucket and dump it on his bed. At least then it is out of your way.

Budababe · 23/01/2007 10:53

Is your DS sleeping with you because the mate is in the only other room? If so plan to move him in into his own room on a certain date and get ready to do so. Tell the mate well in advance that he will have to leave by that date.

Budababe · 23/01/2007 10:53

Agree with Bozza re the washing too!

dassie · 23/01/2007 10:55

I would probably have snapped by now and had a huge screaming row with dh about it that lodger would have heard every word of. not very subtle.....

If you are worried about hurting his feelings (why - he isn't worried about yours!) then you will have to go down the making his life a misery route.

How about a rota - housework he has to do, times he is allowed in the bathroom and kitchen, when he is allowed to do his washing, times he is allowed to watch TV etc. Blame it on the kids - say he is disrupting their routine and he needs to fit around them.

And definitely go back to him on the rent. 'We discussed you making a contribution to the household finances last week - have you got the £XXX on you - if not I'll be happy to take a part payment with whatever you have on you.'

And definitely do what Imafairy said!

Original poster
frenchconnection · 23/01/2007 10:58

my ds does have his own room and the mate sleeps in the half-converted loft room (its freezing, ha ha!), i would not let him take over my son;s room! (the little blighter tiptoes into our bed every night and makes such a f**king NOISE when we put him back in his bed it wakes up the neighbours, our dd and THE MATE!)

OP posts:
Original poster
frenchconnection · 23/01/2007 11:03

i did have a very violent snap at him last week, ignored him totally and slammed doors (childish, i know, but i cant relax in my own home,ever).
Then i heard the mate downstairs laughing with my dh that i had PMT and was being "anal" about the children's bedtimes or something.
I paid for MY house with the money my dad left me when he died, and i am being made to feel like i should apologise for being here!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

OP posts:
hoolagirl · 23/01/2007 11:12

I would tell him that he has to leave and soon. Why the hell can't he go and stay at his girlfriends, or is she not as big a mug!
Really, please tell him, this must be intolerable!

Twiglett · 23/01/2007 11:16

tell him that he has a month to find somewhere else to live because you really need the space and time to be with just your family, although you still really like him as a friend you're sure he can appreciate how difficult it is living with a lodger when you want to be a 'family'

in the meantime

Please do not spend 30 mins in the shower in the morning, as we all need to get ready

Please don't load the washing machine if you won't be around to empty it and deal with your things

Please could you find a way to return the £200 you owe us

theUrbanDryad · 23/01/2007 11:17

print this thread out for him to see!

Twiglett · 23/01/2007 11:18

also tell him that you'd prefer it if he stayed in his room in the evening

dassie · 23/01/2007 11:18

Ok - he is an inconsiderate freeloader. If your husband is too much of a coward to deal with this then you are just going to have to tell him.

Your kids aren't happy, you're not happy, you're marriage isn't happy - he has to go. Your family is more important than what he thinks of you.