Dh's best mate still living with us (for free) !!

[frenchconnection]

i posted on here a while ago about my dh's mate living with us, he sleeps up in our loft room and pays no rent. my dh was being a complete arse about me moaning about it at first, but now he wishes he never invited his mate here! his mate is lovely and plays with the kids a lot so i cant be horrible and ask him to leave, he has nowhere else to go (though doesnt seem to be looking) and says he is in so much debt that he cant afford normal rents..i plucked up the courage to ask for rent last week, and he said its fine, yet still no money!

i keep asking how the flat-hunting is going (hint hint) yet he just says "oh the rents in london are so high i cant find anything". We have 2 children and i f**king hate queueing up for MY bathroom every morning while he takes 30mins in the shower!!!!!!!!!!! And when i finally get in the bathroom, he'll be knocking at the door saying "are you going to be long??"
when i ask my dh to ask him how long he will be staying, dh just says "why dont i just tell him you want him to leave?" So that would make me look awful!AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAggggggggggggggghhh

Yes, pack his stuff up, you're hardly flouting any tenancy laws by kicking him out without notice. Text him at work to warn him that you've got a friend with an emergency and get said friend with a suitcase to "move in" for when he gets back. Might do the trick...

perhaps you need to point out to your dh that if you both want your marriage to work the lodger needs to go so you can start talking to each other again and having sex!

Perhaps it's either the friend goes and dh sorts it out or you pack both of their bags for them - like that in a blunt non discussional way.

Also in your first post you wrote that your husband now wishes he never invited his mate here!!!.

Time to pack the freeloader's bags methinks.

FC - the longer you put this off, the worse it's going to be for everybody.

FWIW - I totally disagree with those who say pack his stuff up for him and just kick him out cold. Sometimes people are so wrapped up in themselves that they can't see their behaviour is affecting other people - this doesn't mean he is a bad person. Kicking him out on the street is not the answer.

Neither is hiding behind excuses or those of your DH (men are notoriously crap in these situations anyway). This is your home, your family and he has no place in it.

All it takes is for you to tell him how you feel, honestly. Just ask him to go and set a deadline. No need to be a bitch. Any person with half a brain can see this is an unliveable situation.

Sounds cheesy but honesty really is the best policy in these instances.

Has the freeloader got some sort of svengali influence over your husband?. This friendship has run its course and died a long time ago. No true friend would take advantage like this and you know this. Would think freeloader knows it as well but is more than happy to leech off you both as long as you keep arguing about it. Your arguing detracts from the main issue re the freeloader - how to get him out.

"FWIW - I totally disagree with those who say pack his stuff up for him and just kick him out cold".

Well why on earth not?. If this person had paid rent and had contributed effectively to the running of the home then I would not advocate such an action in these circumstances. However, in this instance the freeloader is taking the michael.

Like many informal agreements of this type it was not I daresay thought out properly in the first place. This couple's biggest mistake was letting him over the threshold.

Oh, fc, I do sympathise with you wanting DH to deal with it - I mean he should anyway because it's his mate, but I know I would have terrible butterflies just thinking about facing this one out, let alone actually doing it, and because of feeling so nervy about it if I did confront him it would come out bitchy and twitchy - some people can handle this kind of thing calmly and rationally, and some just can't

Would "best mate" babysit for a couple of hours while you and DH get out on your own for a bit and have a quiet talk? It sounds as if you need to go on a date with each other to get back a bit of how your relationship used to be anyway, but you could also talk about this without him being there and maybe work out a timetable that you & DH can both agree to?

i must be careful later not to call him by his new name! (Freeloader - i like it!)

i think i must give him some kind of notice though, like a month/6 wks.. he just keeps saying there are no rooms/flats available at the right cost, and i really cant just kick him out with nowhere to go.

my dh does regret getting him to live with us because of "all the fuss" i'm making but i am quick to point out that most wives wouldnt let their dh's mate live with them for free AT ALL!!
i actually think ive been really good letting him live here and make my daughter so shy that she doesnt even speak in the mornings any more!!!

Perhaps I am a softie Attila. But I believe in preserving relationships (even if it's only superficial).

Kicking somebody out of your home without warning is a really hard arsed thing to do and wouldn't be my style.

I prefer direct honesty without being mean. Just a different opinion.

The biggest sore point was i asked the mate to babysit for us ONCE on a friday night, assuming he would say yes.......
but he said "sorry i cant, my gf wouldnt be too happy if i didnt spend fri nights at hers!!!" So he is at the beck and call of this woman who leeches money off him, and he leeches off us!

the bloody heater in his room costs an absolute fortune, as do his very long showers !!

I think 2 weeks is plenty FC. If you give him six weeks, he'll only "forget".

If it were me, I'd give him a week. He can always shack up with the GF in the short term, even it is inconvenient.

He has not actively looked for a new place to live has he?. All he's done is make excuses to you about why he cannot find a place to rent. This is also why I would have no qualms about letting him go asap.

Whatever timescale you give him to go it must be adhered to the letter. No ifs and buts for him here.

I certainly would not have DH's best mate coming to live with us regardless let alone rent free.. I think this same thought would be expressed by many if not the majority of fellow Mnetters.

So your DH thinks you've made a fuss by having the freeloader here does he?. Doesn't say much about you and the children does it?. Does your DH not realise or care even what this man has done to you all?.

If your DH is upset about him leaving, suggest he gets a place with this friend.

It sounds to me like he wants to have a bachelor lifestyle with mate and beer on tap (ykwim) and you're letting him.

God, i got nervous enough just asking him for some rent money (after dh had told him he didnt have to pay)..it made me look like a money grabbing witch...
you'd think he'd just leave some cash on the table as a good-will gesture... any normal person bloody well would!!!

i will crap my pants asking him to leave!

Put his name down with local estate agents and give them his number. Tell them you're not sure of his budget, but he's definitely on the market for a rental.

They'll hassle him for you

Tell your DH that you're going to ask him to leave, and then the two of you should present a united front......can you talk to DH in bed tonight?

But FC - you can do this.

You will be surprised how liberated you feel. It is your right and if done correctly there can be no comeback on you.

You are NOT being unreasonable.

Neglected to mention that I have been in this situation before. Not nice.

Hi dejags,

My BIL is a world class freeloading who also pays no rent to his parents so he is the reason for my hard nosed stance on this matter. It helps no-one (even the freeloader) to prolong things any longer than necessary.

FC

You can do this y'know. You just need to take a leap of faith here.

These two are walking all over you, not least of all your children.

Agreed Attila,

Had one of DH's "friends" living with us a few years ago. What a w...ker. Broke our things, came home at all hours trashed, constantly bought women home with him (to our sofa ).

DH was a total woos - so timid old me eventually told this bloke in no uncertain terms he had to go. I gave him a week - it was hard but as I said very liberating. Most of all it was bloody brilliant to have our house back.

Good luck FC, let us know how you get on.

i will let you all know what happens

Handily, dh is working away all of this week, so will have no involvement in this saga whatsoever...hmmm...