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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Dh's best mate still living with us (for free) !!

318 replies

frenchconnection · 23/01/2007 10:19

i posted on here a while ago about my dh's mate living with us, he sleeps up in our loft room and pays no rent. my dh was being a complete arse about me moaning about it at first, but now he wishes he never invited his mate here! his mate is lovely and plays with the kids a lot so i cant be horrible and ask him to leave, he has nowhere else to go (though doesnt seem to be looking) and says he is in so much debt that he cant afford normal rents..i plucked up the courage to ask for rent last week, and he said its fine, yet still no money!

i keep asking how the flat-hunting is going (hint hint) yet he just says "oh the rents in london are so high i cant find anything". We have 2 children and i f**king hate queueing up for MY bathroom every morning while he takes 30mins in the shower!!!!!!!!!!! And when i finally get in the bathroom, he'll be knocking at the door saying "are you going to be long??"
when i ask my dh to ask him how long he will be staying, dh just says "why dont i just tell him you want him to leave?" So that would make me look awful!AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAggggggggggggggghhh

OP posts:
Itsthawooluff · 23/01/2007 18:00

The non subtle approach - set up blockade, wave signs and chant "Matey, matey, matey - OUT,OUT, OUT"

LIZS · 23/01/2007 18:02

Too long . They are both playing you for a mug. He has no right to be there without your permission.

Tortington · 23/01/2007 18:08

i'm sorry, this situation has gone on long enough - what comes first

  1. your children
  2. your husband
  3. the lodger
  4. your sensibilities

quite frankly i would have both men in the living room this instant with a clear message
"look i've tried nicely, this situation isnt normal you have one month to get your stuff together and fuck off"

the only mug here is you. your dh has student lifestyle and family and a shag one presumes.

so get off your arse
stop fucking moaning about this tosspot of a fucker and tell him to FUCK RIGHT OFF

fruitful · 23/01/2007 18:15

Don't give him a month though. 2 weeks, max.

Oh, and your dd needs that heater in her room tonight.

wheresthevalium · 23/01/2007 19:30

FC, a couple of things,

  1. You said that the freeloader is earning £24k a year? I work PT and earn half that, and I manage to feed clothe and house my self and 2 DDs (with a small amount of tax credits on top) Why on earth can't he afford a place of his own?
  1. I had a similar situation with my sister a few years back. She moved in when DDs were 18 and 3 mo, supposedly to stay for 2 weeks, ended up being 4 months. She didn't pay any rent, caused a huge amount of mess and friction between me and (now ex)DH. I eventually told her to leave, giving her a weeks notice, she moved straight into another flat, she was obviously just sponging because she could.

(We now get along fine)

Bottom line, this is YOUR home, DO NOT feel guilty for reclaiming it.

Original poster
frenchconnection · 23/01/2007 19:36

i just had a HUGE row with dh over this, he is home before his mate for once. he says im a selfish cow who wont help anyone else out and why the hell cant i just put up with the situation?? he will go absolutely mental if i raise the issue with the mate IN FRONT of him . i have to do it when he's not here, so he wont be part of it. so will do it alone.

thanks custardo, i thought mumsnet was all about off-loading your worries and stresses?

OP posts:
moondog · 23/01/2007 19:37

God,I would question a future with a man who DOESN'T GIVE A SHIT.

Tortington · 23/01/2007 19:38

it is. its my venacular - i apologise for offending you in this terrible time

tribpot · 23/01/2007 19:38

Ridiculous stalling tactics. Give him the list, and his marching orders. I would be totally creeped out by someone sleeping in the loft apart from anything else.

tribpot · 23/01/2007 19:41

Oooh heck, posted before I saw your post fc. You've put up with it for a good while, I would personally have taken an ice pick to dh's friend (if not dh himself) just for a quiet night.

If your dh wants to be a coward about it, let him. He's going to paint you as the bad guy anyway, so embrace it and just do it. Who cares, really, what this freeloading tosser thinks of you?

hoolagirl · 23/01/2007 20:35

With that attitude I'd be telling DH to go with his mate

Maybe he's just a bit of a coward.....

wrinklytum · 23/01/2007 20:51

Could you print off this thread and pin it to the loft entrance?

lazyline · 23/01/2007 21:28

I think that the last few weeks that he has been living with you have obviously alerted you to the fact that the man will take whatever he can get and if you allow it, will stay as long as he can.

I think that you need not to overcomplicate things. You have 2 choices. Either you ask him to leave, or you don't. As you have learned the above regarding his character, he will not leave of his own account, so if you do not ask him to leave, you are stuck with him. All the time you let it stew in your mind, you make it worse for yourself. You let it build up and up (speaking as someone who does this) when it doesn't need to. Don't let this issue take over your life.

You don't have to be rude. You know that you have to ask him to leave, but you can be nice about it. Just resolve to do it, choose the words in advance and tell him, firmly and politely what you want. Don't screech at him, this will just make him feel vindicated.

As for your husband, I would leave that situation until matey is out of the way and things have calmed down. Then you need to have a think about why your husband feels the need to treat you as he has.

squee- first proper post /end squee

JustUsTwo · 24/01/2007 11:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LIZS · 24/01/2007 12:31

I'd feel very odd being expected to share the house with dh's mate without him being there. It obviously makes your dd uncomfortable and inhibits your use of your house. Have you given him/them marching orders yet ?

Original poster
frenchconnection · 24/01/2007 13:09

Dh went away late last night (10ish) and wont be back til mon/tue.. so am alone with his mate from now on. To be fair i have know him for a while and we get on fine, but he's more dh's mate than mine.

Anyway last night i gave him a list of rooms to rent that i found and he said "oh thanks,but *** (dh) has said i can stay until ive sorted out my money problems if thats ok."
So i said "well heres some numbers anyway, you cant want to live with us forever! i think you should ring some."
Him; " ok ", (goes back to watching our tv)

TONIGHT i will tackle him like a man!!

OP posts:
JustUsTwo · 24/01/2007 13:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
frenchconnection · 24/01/2007 13:15

I know, but its so hard when he's so kind to me and my kids, and this morning he was out in the snow at 7.30, scraping the snow off my car . i even asked for the rent again which makes me get all nervous, and he said he will pay £30 when he gets paid on friday.

i dont want to rock the boat as dh says im making a total fuss about nothing and i dont want to make things worse between us.

OP posts:
dejags · 24/01/2007 13:16

Stand up for yourself and take the advice given on this thread FC.

This man is taking advantage of you and your children.

Just sort it!

gggrrr irritated for you.

Original poster
frenchconnection · 24/01/2007 13:19

Actually i will really go for him tonight!!Dh rang to say his mate has just forked out £100 deposit for a stag-do weekend in amsterdam!! he can afford that but no rent, eh??!!

now i will GET him!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

OP posts:
Blu · 24/01/2007 13:21

Your DH is outrageous.
Sorry, but he is.
He has no right to invite someone into your shared home without your joint agreement. Especially when it is you that has to bear the brunt of his presence.
He had no right to tell his mate he could stay 'until he sorts out his money'...just after you had had the row and he knows how you feel.

He is a spineless idiot who does not give a damn how you feel.

I know it is and easy to recommend being up front on MN, and much harder to actually do it, but whatever happens about this particular issue, you sound as if you end up in situations that you are not happy in because you don't know how to say 'no' (we've all done it...!). If you see the chance to go on any assertiveness training - grab it! Sometimes local councils Adult Ed advertise them as evening courses, very cheaply.

because if your marriage is going to survive, I think you could do with some support to get your DH to see your pov and take your needs into account.

Good luck, whatever happens.

FatFikAndFugly · 24/01/2007 13:22

He sounds like a wanker and your dh sounds like a doormat... I would not be tolorating that and if he were my dp I'd say if his mates were so important he could fuck off as well. Does he not want to have sex with you? does he not want to be alone with you? is his mate an excuse to not have to spend time alone with you?

Blu · 24/01/2007 13:22

x-posted...the £100 thing is beyond belief...yay! let THAT fuel your assertiveness!

JustUsTwo · 24/01/2007 13:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

JanH · 24/01/2007 13:25

  1. It's not DH's house, it's yours, and you want him to go (you can shovel your own snow )

  2. His money problems are not your concern

  3. If he's earning £24K that's about £1750 a month. Whole families live on much less than that. WTF is he doing with it?

GET RID!!!!!!!

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