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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Dh's best mate still living with us (for free) !!

318 replies

frenchconnection · 23/01/2007 10:19

i posted on here a while ago about my dh's mate living with us, he sleeps up in our loft room and pays no rent. my dh was being a complete arse about me moaning about it at first, but now he wishes he never invited his mate here! his mate is lovely and plays with the kids a lot so i cant be horrible and ask him to leave, he has nowhere else to go (though doesnt seem to be looking) and says he is in so much debt that he cant afford normal rents..i plucked up the courage to ask for rent last week, and he said its fine, yet still no money!

i keep asking how the flat-hunting is going (hint hint) yet he just says "oh the rents in london are so high i cant find anything". We have 2 children and i f**king hate queueing up for MY bathroom every morning while he takes 30mins in the shower!!!!!!!!!!! And when i finally get in the bathroom, he'll be knocking at the door saying "are you going to be long??"
when i ask my dh to ask him how long he will be staying, dh just says "why dont i just tell him you want him to leave?" So that would make me look awful!AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAggggggggggggggghhh

OP posts:
oranges · 30/01/2007 12:29

So you are more willing to put your children in a 'nasty hovel' instead?

JanH · 30/01/2007 12:30

But if you moved out where would you go? Some other nasty hovel while he Sits Pretty in a house which is mostly yours anyway?

If it really has come to you splitting up over this, you've got to see a solicitor and find out what your legal entitlements are.

Bozza · 30/01/2007 12:30

So you would prefer the state to support you than your children's father? Not sure if the CSA or whatever they are replacing it with will agree.

hunkermunker · 30/01/2007 12:32

You've been played by your DH and his mate, it would seem.

Why are you not looking out for your children more?

Original poster
frenchconnection · 30/01/2007 12:36

i am looking out for my children! but i am no gold digger and i SAID i was HAPPY to take child maintenence off him!

We will sell the house so he wont stay here either!! And hopefully i can work more hours and earn enough to support us by myself.. my children do come first, THAT IS WHY I WORK A JOB I DONT LIKE = TO PROVIDE FOR THEM IF THE WORST HAPPENS!

i just dont see why dh or any husband should pay for his wife's home!

OP posts:
Mumpbump · 30/01/2007 12:37

What do you think you will achieve by moving out?

I can understand that you obviously value and are proud of your financial independence, but I still think tactically, it would be wrong to move out. If you do, your dh and his best mate have got what they want - a free place to doss. Besides which, if you're paying the mortage, you're not "sitting pretty" - you're paying your own way.

BTW, whose name is the mortgage in? If it's in your name, it's your liability so where is his incentive to pay it?

At the very least, you really should talk to a solicitor before you do anything who can advise you on the best thing to do to protect your position. Most solicitors will give you an initial consultation free of charge...

oranges · 30/01/2007 12:38

but you are planning to move out and leave dh in your house. If you can't see why this will cause problems for you when it comes to selling and splitting the costs, then god help you. and caps don't make you seem any more capable of seeing what a mess you are getting yourself into. I'm leaving this thread now because there are obviously other issues here.

Mumpbump · 30/01/2007 12:39

Just saw that dh is paying the mortgage, but still don't think that is a reason for you to move out of a home when you have put cash into it. You've already paid your bit; he's just catching up with his...

Mumpbump · 30/01/2007 12:40

Plus he's not paying for his wife's home, he's paying for his children's home...

Original poster
frenchconnection · 30/01/2007 12:40

Im leaving this thread too.

OP posts:
Original poster
frenchconnection · 30/01/2007 12:41

Even though i started it!!

OP posts:
Imafairy · 30/01/2007 12:41

Hang on a second FC - did i read correctly that your DH said that you could move out but you should leave the kids in the house??? Is he for real? Who would look after tham while he's at work all the time?
AND, I don't know a lot about this, but surely if you move out without the kids he could cite desertion?
If this mate was such a good friend to you both in the past then I would sit down with him ON YOUR OWN, tell him that you and DH are having problems, and that you really need him to move out.
If he doesn't, then get solicitors / police involved.

hunkermunker · 30/01/2007 12:41

I am sorry if I upset you.

But I fail to see how you moving out is acting in the best interest of your children.

Mumpbump · 30/01/2007 12:44

FC - you obviously don't like the advice you're getting on here, but there is an overwhelming consensus that just moving out is a bad move... In the face of that, I would have thought that you might want to reconsider your position at least and get legal advice to make sure you don't end up with no house and no children either.

I don't know about family law, but your moving out and leaving your children behind might affect what a court might do if there was a custody fight. It is your decision, of course, but at least ensure you are fully aware of the consequences...

LIZS · 30/01/2007 13:53

If you move out you cannot force him to sell up or cooperate with viewings etc even if he does agree to. If you are serious about splitting get some legal advice.

mumto3girls · 30/01/2007 14:33

If people's intention is to offer advice annd help French connection then ther is no point being so blunt and agressive about it that she doesn't wish to visit the thread anymore.

I have been reading this thread from the start and I appreciate that it can be frustrating to see that FC is unable to sort this situation to 'our' satisfaction, but insinuating that she is a bad mother or play acting is just being mean really isn't it. If her actions are annoying you then perhaps not reading the thread will sort your problem, unfortunately she is still stuck in hers! And now feels that she cannot even come here for support.

This post is not aimed at anyone in particular btw.

catsmother · 30/01/2007 16:24

I just feel desperately sorry for FC.

Her DH - as she alluded to right at the start of the thread - isn't offering her the support and loyalty he should be. This freeloader business appears to have confirmed this very clearly.

It sounds, really sadly, as if he is using the whole freeloader thing to force the issue. By allowing his friend to stay he's effectively saying that HE is more important to him than FC or their marriage ..... which, if it is to succeed, needs a large injection of uninterrupted time so FC & her DH can work out what they want, how they see their future(s) and how - whatever happens - the practicalities will be done. It very much looks as if DH isn't interested in tring to sort out his relationship at all and the lodger thing (which is a huge complication in the circumstances) is a convenient excuse so he doesn't have to face up to or deal with "what happens next" so far as FC is concerned.

I feel quite sick to imagine how she must be feeling right now ..... saddenned, angry, betrayed, rejected, undermined, irrelevant in her own home and so on. I can also imagine how she's yearning to be somewhere on her own, just to escape at least some of those feelings ..... I just hope she doesn't jump out of the frying pan into the fire.

FC .... if you're still reading, and things at home are still grim, I'd urge you to seek legal advice before doing anything - forewarned is forearmed and all that. That doesn't mean to say that you will be obliged to expect a "meal ticket" from DH if you do split, (I admire you for that stance) but think it's worthwhile finding out all the facts/repercussuions/possibilities so that whatever decision you end up making (staying, leaving etc) it will be an informed one, and you won't (hopefully) get any nasty shocks along the way.

tigermoth · 30/01/2007 20:19

waht a good post, catsmother. FC I hope you follow this advice.

1sue1 · 30/01/2007 21:00

I too have been following this but had nothing to offer. I agree with catsmother as well.

Original poster
frenchconnection · 02/02/2007 09:38

He is leaving on monday, found a new flat!

OP posts:
wartywarthog · 02/02/2007 09:42

fantastic!!! well done

Imafairy · 02/02/2007 09:49

Great news! Well done FC!

Original poster
frenchconnection · 02/02/2007 10:23

After a very much disturbed night with no sleep it pretty much came to a head. The mate's snoring is so bad , it goes on for hours and my ds was already up ill and puking everywhere. i lost my temper and went downstairs, grabbed my dd's super soaker (huge water gun) and squirted it up into the bloody loft so he got a good freezing!

Thanks to my 4am-fury he offered to leave and is now buggering off! Even dh seems v relieved..

(Although now i admit i feel slightly at the super-soaker incident)

OP posts:
dejags · 02/02/2007 10:28

what a fabulous way to start the weekend!

well done!

can't believe you soaked him with a super-soaker, that's absolutely bloody fabulous.

also can't believe that he is such nonce that another flat was always feasible and he has blatantly taken you for such a ride.

Saturn74 · 02/02/2007 10:30

Really, FC?

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