Obsessed with this man, need advice

[hunneymonster]

I've previously posted on another thread about this, but feel so confused and upset that I would really appreciate some advice or opinions.
I met a man six months ago through OD, wasn't sure whether I fancied him at first, though he was lovely in himself, I slept with him which was amazing, and then it was like I was instantly in love or infatuated with him. I saw him a couple more times and he then began messing me about, not messaging or arranging to see me.
I would wait for him to contact me and then end up messaging him myself as I missed him that much. Sometimes he would be really pleased and keen to see me but would go cold on me again after.
This happened again for a couple of months until he finally told me he had met someone else. I was gutted but fair enough if he had. He has contacted me again recently asking to see me, telling me he wants me and I'm amazing but I still think he is with his new partner and don't understand what is going on with him or what he thinks of me?
I'm just need some advice or a different perspective as it's been going round my head so much I can't think clearly anymore, I'm trying to move on and meet new people but it's like noone else compares to him.

[ptumbi]

Please get a STI check OP, if he has infected you (again !) then IF you are pregnant that may damage the baby quite severely.

[hunneymonster]

The cbt didn't help! It was useless, the therapist told me to go out to bars on my own to try and meet men when I told her I was lonely. Like i said I've been abused and mistreated my whole life, how is ten weeks of cbt supposed to deal with that.

[hunneymonster]

Queenliz you don't know me and your comments are upsetting

[Myusernameismyusername]

Hunny you can't know it can't if you haven't tried it
I got 6 sessions when I was 19. Quite similar feelings to you at times of the worthlessness. At the time I thought 'what crap' but about 3 months later people were saying to me 'you seem different' and I realised I felt like I had some control back in my life. I've had a few more counselling sessions over the years and they are hard and painful but each time I have felt in some way slightly more free, and in control of my own life

[QueenLizIII]

Queenliz you don't know me and your comments are upsetting

It is upsetting to see you in this mess.

You wont stop seeing him, you have unprotected sex after being infected with an STI, you want a baby by him.

The NHS paid for expensive CBT and you didnt even finish the course, wasting the NHS' money.

Nothing anyone has said on here has made any difference.

I am very very sorry you feel upset, although some tough love may be in order.

Eventually OP no one will listen to you, they will wash their hands of it and say go right ahead. As myusername said you wont even try.

You can come here and talk about it all you like but unless you are willing to take some steps to help yourself then it is pointless.

[QueenLizIII]

it was useless, the therapist told me to go out to bars on my own to try and meet men when I told her I was lonely.

I had that one. I actually did it one day a few years and I made up a story that a friend was coming and then cancelled on me, so I wouldnt look like a saddo drinking alone.

I got talking to a couple of the lovely bar tenders and they gave me a free drink when they found out my "friend" had cancelled. Then as it was such a cool place, when I felt more confident and had made some friends from my new job, this was YEARS AGO, I brought my friends in and introduced them all and the bar tenders knew me already so it was cozy.

But see...you wont try anything and you will never know unless you do.

[TheNaze73]

Op, it's not Queenliz that is upsetting you, it's yourself. What she said was bang on the money & exactly what I was thinking

[memyselfandaye]

Before therapy you need to get an HIV test. He fucks around, you know that but still have unprotected sex with him (and everyone else he's been in)

Stop playing sex roulette, last time it was the clap, this time or next time it could be a death sentence.

[hellsbellsmelons]

He ran away after sex.
He is NOT interested in you.
He is interested in a easy lay.
It really is that simple.
Honestly, at 37 you should know a sleaze bag when you meet one.
He is one!
It was suggested up thread a while ago.
Did you do the Freedom Programme?
Because you absolutely need to do it and do it fast.
Call Womens Aid and ask them about one in your local area - 0808 2000 247
He'll come calling again when he fancies a shag and you need to be ready to shut him down.
The Freedom Programme can help you with that.
And absolutely get some counselling.
You need to understand why you are OK with being treated like this.
In fact, they treat you like crap and you say He is interested in me
When it's plain for all of us to see he is a using slimy sleazy scumbag!
Next time he knocks just shut the door in his face.
You appear to be a people pleaser.
You have to look into why.
I can only assume your upbringing wasn't a good example for you.
Don't do the same to your DC!
Show them what strong women are like.
That they won't be treated like crap by random men.
Please do work on yourself though.
This is NOT normal behaviour for a 37 YO woman with DC.
I'll say it once more.... FREEDOM PROGRAMME!!!!!

[QueenLizIII]

The thread title is:

Obsessed with this man, need advice

The advice was

Stop having sex with him particularly not unprotected sex.
Cut him off.
Dont try and get pregnant.
See your GP or pay for therapy.
Do the freedom programme.

The OPs response was
No
and
It wont work.

It's such a shame. There is support out there but you just need to be willing to engage with it.

[SparklyMagpie]

So, what advice is it you actually want because nothing any of us say to you here works.

I keep reading over and I STILL cannot believe even after this dick gave you an STD you still had unprotected sex with him ! Ok you've been through a hard time over the years but self esteem issues etc or not, what the hell are you playing at with that?!

I think it's the time to stop using the past now as an excuse to continue being abused and putting your health at risk!

You don't have daughters but you do have son's, so how on earth would you feel if they were to do this to a woman in the future?!

I have no self esteem, no confidence, I'm not confrontational at all ( although working an getting better) but if some guy gave me an STD would I fuck not being saying anything for a start let alone continue have unprotected sex. I've been in a similar situation to this, I've been sexually abused but no way would I continue with this death trap of an arrangement and I'm 11 years younger, how are you happy with putting yourself at risk...you have two children for God sake!

Cut him off, get to a clinic or GP and get checked and definitely look into the freedom programme

Only YOU can change your life, draw a line and start working to help get you on track !

Or just carry on doing what you're doing, carrying on the road down to self destruct.


Feel it's abit pointless even writing this, but it was worth a shot

[hunneymonster]

Don't think me going to a bar and drinking alone is going to end well haha.
Yeah and thanks for saying I wasted the nhs' money on the cbt, don't forget the std treatment and possible pregnancy!

[hunneymonster]

No it is her that's upsetting me, who says something like you wasted NHS money, you know f*ck all about me

[NameChange30]

I agree that comment was uncalled for.

Plenty of people try NHS-funded counselling/therapy and find it doesn't work for them. Doesn't mean they have wasted NHS money.

I do agree with PPs who said that you need proper therapy. Your GP might be able to make some suggestions about local organisations that offer free or low cost therapy. But you could also look it up yourself.

You've had a hard time on this thread but it can be frustrating to give advice when it seems that the OP isn't taking any of it.

[Revealall]

I think anyone can be helped but they want to have to change.

Op I completely get why you do this and are obsessed by this erm, man. It's much easier to have this crap scenario than put the effort in for something better.

I'm surprised you don't think you have wasted NHS money. Why do you think that?

[NameChange30]

FFS people. It's clear that the OP already feels worthless. Why keep going on about her "wasting NHS money"?!

[Myusernameismyusername]

You aren't wasting money I am more concerned you are wasting your life!! feeling sad and worthless and it could be amazing. You could find your happy place.

[hunneymonster]

Drop this now about wasting money

[Myusernameismyusername]

I'm sure we have all wasted NHS resources at some point in our lives and anyone who says they never forgot an appointment or cancelled something is fibbing

[Revealall]

So the idea of wasting the NHS p's money is more offensive than criticism of your choices ? Where do you get tested for HIV, STD's etc then.
I'm glad you are getting angry. You need too. And then use that feeling for something productive.

[hunneymonster]

When i went for the cbt I was still involved with my abusive ex, who was bullying me and making my life a misery. I would be in tears and telling the therapist about him and she sat there and said nothing. She could not give one word of advice to help me deal with him. No, I had to replace all my negative thoughts with positive ones, because apparently no one can make you feel anything? All the horrible things that had happened to me, which she didn't even have the time for me to tell her about, she just dismissed it all.

[NameChange30]

If you're in an abusive relationship, the best source of support is Women's Aid and counselling services they provide or recommend. I'm surprised your GP referred you for CBT in that situation tbh.

[hunneymonster]

I wasn't referred because of that, and actually womens aid are useless. I'm leaving this now, I'm upset because some of you remind me of my nasty bitch of a mother with your judgemental opinions.

[NameChange30]

Women's Aid are useless?! Mmmkay

[Buzzardbird]

What advice were you after OP? I think we have all missed it.