Obsessed with this man, need advice

[hunneymonster]

I've previously posted on another thread about this, but feel so confused and upset that I would really appreciate some advice or opinions.
I met a man six months ago through OD, wasn't sure whether I fancied him at first, though he was lovely in himself, I slept with him which was amazing, and then it was like I was instantly in love or infatuated with him. I saw him a couple more times and he then began messing me about, not messaging or arranging to see me.
I would wait for him to contact me and then end up messaging him myself as I missed him that much. Sometimes he would be really pleased and keen to see me but would go cold on me again after.
This happened again for a couple of months until he finally told me he had met someone else. I was gutted but fair enough if he had. He has contacted me again recently asking to see me, telling me he wants me and I'm amazing but I still think he is with his new partner and don't understand what is going on with him or what he thinks of me?
I'm just need some advice or a different perspective as it's been going round my head so much I can't think clearly anymore, I'm trying to move on and meet new people but it's like noone else compares to him.

[Daisiesandgerberas]

Good question, Buzzard.

[hunneymonster]

But if I was willing to be used he wouldn't need to say all that stuff? And he's shy and quiet, I know he meant those things he said

[hunneymonster]

Buzzardbird - he would never say anything as weird as that, he's a normal down to earth lad

[hunneymonster]

I can spot creeps and weirdos a mile off, I had an affair with one that lasted on and off for years and he would come out with shit like 'don't go falling for me', 'don't be getting clingy', I knew what he was straight away but this man is nothing like that.

[Myusernameismyusername]

He isn't saying anything except you are a good shag
You are imagining that he means he misses you or that you are a girlfriend

[hunneymonster]

Well he said I was special, I know he doesn't want me as a girlfriend, I'm 11 years older than him and my eldest son is only seven years younger than him.

[Duck90]

Your creep radar is set lower than most readers, given that you were the ow. You need to set your benchmark higher. Some people are happy to be friends with benefits, but this does not seem to be what you want. Take care.

[Myusernameismyusername]

Can I be honest that I'm the same age as you and in my whole life I've never felt awful after someone told me I am special

Also I have been humped and dumped and these repeated visits are nothing more than you providing a free escort service

[oldlaundbooth]

Oh well, if he says you are special, he must mean it

(sorry, feel the need to add a huge NOT)

[tipsytrifle]

So after 5mths absence he reappears - at your door no less - and you have sex with him. I'm not sure that he's using the term "special" as nicely as your imagination leads you to believe. That's the thing. Imagination is leading you into being used. Your thread title talks of obsession with this man and that's a huge clue to what your own script is.

His script is to shag you whenever it suits him, whenever he doesn't have anyone else in tow (or even if he does). Your script is to crave crumbs from his table. I think you need some help sorting out how you have come to be in such a place where you're grateful for such crumbs and see meaning in them beyond the give (which you do) and take (which he does)

I haven't read your other threads but what have you been doing for the last five months when he was absent from your life? Is this where the obsession comes in? Have you done nothing but long for him all this time?

You say you can spot creeps a mile off but maintained an erratic affair with one, knowing he was one, for years. So you spot them and still choose to accept whatever is thrown to you.

You wrote, if I was willing to be used he wouldn't need to say all that stuff? Well, maybe he would so he didn't feel like he was really using you. Are you totally willing to be used, then? It may well be that it's ok for you but in truth it's not really a positive mindset. Does being used really nourish you? Maybe not if you're still left with those craving and yearning emotions.

I dunno, OP - I think you're shortchanging yourself (and DS who sees you jumping to another's call) and could do with a bit of untangling from some serious issues. I don't mean that to sound harsh - I'm genuinely concerned about the dark paths this will lead you.

[hunneymonster]

I last saw him in July, after I started this thread. I met someone else who messed me about for a couple of months but I've really just been on my own and very lonely.

[hunneymonster]

I felt awful because he said I was special and then pretty much ran away.

[Myusernameismyusername]

He's saying that to make himself feel better! In his head he thinks well I said something nice to her, so I can't be a totally bad bloke can I? I'm sure she's fine. She seemed happy with what crap I came out with and I got a top shag. Might pop round again one day after the pub

Seriously please don't keep doing this to yourself

[Myusernameismyusername]

Can I just ask you, did he leave pretty much immediately after finishing sex? Is this why you feel awful?

[tipsytrifle]

So is the one who turned up at your door a different one than the thread title refers to? I'm a bit confused about the timings here. Who are you obsessed with?

[Myusernameismyusername]

It's the same bloke 6 months later

[hunneymonster]

Yes, didn't even have a cuddle or a kiss goodbye.

[hunneymonster]

Yeah it's the same man, I really had got over him though, I'd got a new phone number and he couldn't contact me and I was certain it was finished.

[Myusernameismyusername]

Was your child home?

[hunneymonster]

No they were both out, why?

[tipsytrifle]

ok - so he's found himself at a loose end and fancied getting his end away, knew where you lived and you welcomed him in. There is nothing to build from here, you know you aren't in a relationship with him. You know he wouldn't want to be in a relationship with you. But you put yourself through it and search for deeper stuff going on. Sadly, your loneliness is in control and is warping your perspective. This man is not interested in you, though at least he remembered your name for a moment. I think you should consider some counselling for this loneliness that will consume you - possibly even become a danger to you if the wrong circumstances arise.

[Myusernameismyusername]

What is it you would like people to say to you to help you

[hunneymonster]

He is interested in me, he wouldn't keep coming back otherwise

[Maverickismywingman]

He's interested in an easy lay.

[Myusernameismyusername]

He's interested in the sex you provide for him so yes, he is interested in something but he's not interested in how dreadful this makes you feel