Obsessed with this man, need advice

[hunneymonster]

I've previously posted on another thread about this, but feel so confused and upset that I would really appreciate some advice or opinions.
I met a man six months ago through OD, wasn't sure whether I fancied him at first, though he was lovely in himself, I slept with him which was amazing, and then it was like I was instantly in love or infatuated with him. I saw him a couple more times and he then began messing me about, not messaging or arranging to see me.
I would wait for him to contact me and then end up messaging him myself as I missed him that much. Sometimes he would be really pleased and keen to see me but would go cold on me again after.
This happened again for a couple of months until he finally told me he had met someone else. I was gutted but fair enough if he had. He has contacted me again recently asking to see me, telling me he wants me and I'm amazing but I still think he is with his new partner and don't understand what is going on with him or what he thinks of me?
I'm just need some advice or a different perspective as it's been going round my head so much I can't think clearly anymore, I'm trying to move on and meet new people but it's like noone else compares to him.

[JustSpeakSense]

He's using you for sex, you know this.

He will continue to do so until you put a stop to it.

We teach people how to treat us, and this is what he's learned you will allow.

Why would you risk your health by having unprotected sex. You are a mother, you need to look after yourself better than this.

[pklme]

Hunny, I think the doctor will be more sympathetic than you realise. You are not just lonely, you are vulnerable and being abused by a man who is treating you like an unpaid prostitute. You are effectively self harming, with risky behaviour like this. Sadly, your previous experiences have been so bad that this doesn't seem so wrong.
If he treated your daughter like this, what would you say to her? Would you be able to advise her to say no?

You have been so strong, and you need to be strong again. Block him out, find yourself some support through a women's group or a social group.

[NameChange30]

OP, you really, really need to do the Freedom Programme. Do it online if there isn't a course near you.

I also think you would benefit from good counselling. If there isn't any local to you, you could look into telephone counselling (preferably with a counsellor who specialises in supporting people who have been in abusive relationships) - you might get some suggestions from Women's Aid if you look on their website or contact them.

Also consider relocating. You said you have no friends and live in an area that doesn't have good mental health services. I think you really need to be somewhere where you can access mental health services and do one or two activities that will enable you to meet people and make friends.

Until you prioritise your mental health, you are going to continue having unprotected sex with men who treat you like shit and therefore make you feel like shit.

[NameChange30]

Did you have an unhappy childhood?
Did your parents treat you badly?
If the answer to those questions is yes, i also suggest that you look up NAPAC, call their helpline, and check out the Stately Homes thread.

[Classybird36]

I think the real issue isn't this chap - it's because you're lonely and are frightened of staying lonely. So your brain seems to be saying that this man will solve the loneliness and all the stuff that goes along with it. There'S nothing wrong with admitting loneliness - I've been there myself. But I suspect that if you address this and do some serious self-nurturing then, over time, the bad pennies will fall away and you will meet someone lovely. And not because you are actively seeking them out, but because you will start to enjoy your life and love yourself and they will want to jump onto your sparkly bus - figuratively speaking xxx

[SparklyMagpie]

I can't believe you continued to sleep with this man after he gave you an STD let alone never using protection! Why would you even put yourself at risk?

I know what it feels like being in this situation, it only happened the once because I couldn't allow myself to continue despite the biggest intense connection me and him had, we still speak occasionally as we were really close friends but it's very rare as I don't want to be sucked in and despite how I felt about him I couldn't go through it again. So I understand how you feel, I get it but you really need to move on from this.

From what you write actually angers me in some ways as I developed something very strong for my old friend but at the end of the day it was never going to work out and I will never allow myself to play second best, I couldn't live with the guilt the first time.

You've said, you'll never be together, not that you should want a relationship with him, and considering he tells you you're "special" you feel anything but afterwards.

In future, no contact,don't answer the door or if you do slam it back in his face.

It scares me that you could potentially be pregnant, then what do you do?!

Get yourself checked out !

He'll keep coming back for a quick shag purely because he knows he can and you always let him! Have some self respect for yourself, neither of you are respecting you!

[uglyswan]

You're hoping he got you pregnant, aren't you?

[SparklyMagpie]

^^

Exactly what I was thinking, I can't think of another reason WHY she'd sleep with him not using protection

[hunneymonster]

I just have no respect for myself obviously, he gave me an std and I knew if I slept with him again I could get it again, I couldn't even ask him about it. I also knew when I slept with him last that it was the time of the month I could get pregnant, but he usually pulls out.
If I'm pregnant I'm pregnant, I probably won't be though.

[AnyFucker]

Very sad to see such a fatalistic attitude to getting repeatedly used by this man

I expect you will be pregnant. You certainly do seem to have an emotional death wish

[Fortitudine]

I'm surprised he didn't leave a tenner on the bedside table because he treats you like a cheap whore in all other respects. But why should he when you give it away to him so easily?

Without some sort of counselling you will be stuck in this abusive cycle forever. God help you if you're pregnant by him, although it's obvious that a part of you secretly hopes you are.

I know what I've written sounds harsh and unsympathetic, but you really do have my sympathy - you just need to close the door in this guy's face forever, and work on your self esteem. You deserve so much better.

[iMatter]

This is so sad OP.

You seem to be hoping that you're pregnant by a vile human being who uses and abuses you. Are you so determined to fuck up the rest of your life?

Get the map and please please take steps to rid yourself of this utter sleaze bag.

[Myusernameismyusername]

OP do not be a complete wet blanket you can go to the chemist and get the morning after pill and this will almost certainly mean you will not get pregnant

You don't just accept 'what will be will be' if you can stop it. You already say you live in a deprived area with 2 children, do not willingly bring another child into the world in these circumstances.

[SparklyMagpie]

Your reply into if you was pregnant says it all to me.

So if you were - how do you think he'll react? He already treats you and you allow him to treat him like shit, no matter how much you say he's a great guy. My bet is you'd hope he'd come running to you and you'd be a happy little family, My bet is he'd run a mile and I'd bet good money that THEN you would never here from him or have him knocking at your door again

For your sake, I seriously hope you arnt! But in all honesty, I can't see you ever cutting him off an will give into him everytime until the inevitable happens and you DO fall pregnant and he'll run a mile

You need to seek help with a counsellor, this isn't going to end well at all

[QueenLizIII]

If I'm pregnant I'm pregnant, I probably won't be though.

I can hear the regret in your voice when you said you probably wont be.

He wont be with you even if you get pregnant you know.

But you know what you'll have a piece of him and a connection to him forever and that is what you want.

[SparklyMagpie]

Why are you not even bothered to go and get the morning after pill? I already can tell you hope you are.

[AnyFucker]

You just can't help some people

OP is on track to fuck up her life and nothing anyone says will make a blind bit of difference

[Sugarpiehoneyeye]

Sweet, you really have to start respecting yourself, and your body.
You really are worth so much more.
If you don't start to respect yourself, you cannot expect to have a nice relationship. This thread is so sad, have you heard yourself Hunney, read back.
This piece of shit, is using and abusing you, and you are letting him, stop it, right now, you hear.
Hunney,earn to love yourself, and someone will come along, and fall in love with you. Please heed my words, they're from the heart.
Keep your pants on, and don't allow that user to come into your home again.

[SparklyMagpie]

AnyFucker completely agree. Like I said, I can see how this is going to end up.

Just be prepared, when you do end up carrying his child and you're alone and he's disappeared off the face of the earth, just how you'll feel then...also the fact you say you already have I think 2 children, think of how that will impact them too.

It's clear you're not in the right head space but you REALLY need to speak to someone before this ends up an absolute disaster...for YOU!

[springydaffs]

Girl, you have to get into therapy. No, not the NHS = chocolate teapot.

I've also had some big issues in my life - and also very short of cash my whole life . Ime you have to find a way somehow to get some therapy - as I did. Womens orgs offer low-cost counselling; also ask your GP for orgs that offer counselling at low-cost. Though, as you've worked out, it's therapy you need: in-depth, long term therapy. Not 10 weeks farting about but the full whammy.

There are a great number of people out here, a community, who have been fucked up and have to cobble together effective support to work our way through the mess. You can do it, many of us have and are doing it.

First off, I think it may be an idea to have a look at this . Go along to some meetings and chances are you'll meet other fucked-up people who are making their way and addressing their shit, bit by bit. You are far from alone with this stuff - both your history and the way the damage is manifesting now.

Take care sweetheart

[springydaffs]

this

[hunneymonster]

I can't afford therapy, really i can't, I could try the doctors again but don't know what im going to say, I'm not depressed or anything and am coping fine day to day. I know I've got problems with relationships and men, it's no wonder though with stuff that's happened.

[hunneymonster]

I can't get the morning after pill now it's been five days.

[AnyFucker]

I think if you went to your gp and told him/her what you have said here you would be straight onto an urgent waiting list for therapy on the NHS, tbh

Alternatively, try chump lady