Obsessed with this man, need advice

[hunneymonster]

I've previously posted on another thread about this, but feel so confused and upset that I would really appreciate some advice or opinions.
I met a man six months ago through OD, wasn't sure whether I fancied him at first, though he was lovely in himself, I slept with him which was amazing, and then it was like I was instantly in love or infatuated with him. I saw him a couple more times and he then began messing me about, not messaging or arranging to see me.
I would wait for him to contact me and then end up messaging him myself as I missed him that much. Sometimes he would be really pleased and keen to see me but would go cold on me again after.
This happened again for a couple of months until he finally told me he had met someone else. I was gutted but fair enough if he had. He has contacted me again recently asking to see me, telling me he wants me and I'm amazing but I still think he is with his new partner and don't understand what is going on with him or what he thinks of me?
I'm just need some advice or a different perspective as it's been going round my head so much I can't think clearly anymore, I'm trying to move on and meet new people but it's like noone else compares to him.

Well that's why I posted on here I suppose, and yeah if I had friends and a good life I wouldn't let myself be treated like this, but I don't.

You will never get a "good life" though if you accept this sort of treatment

Thinking it is all you deserve ends up being a self fulfilling prophecy

But you know I've always been treated badly and used by men, he's not even that bad compared to some of the others. And when I was younger I used to get told I was beautiful and stunning by strangers, well I got told that last year by a man in the street, I'm not boasting but if I am attractive why do I get treated so badly.

Because you expect it

You create your own environment & set your own bar. You're the prize & never lose sight of that

Because you let it. He can still choose to use you for sex with or without a girlfriend.

Block his number.

Sex !

I don't set out to be used though, and I'm fussy about who i date and sleep with, also he was nice at first and was telling me he really liked me and wanted to carry on seeing me, then he just seemed to change.

Words are cheap, actions are the key. You should know that by the age of 37.

I usually lurk here, but finally joined to tell you, OP, that:

First of all, I have been where you are and I know what it is like to believe on some sort of cellular level that you have found The One. In my case, he was definitely NOT the one. There is no The One. There are only men who WANT to treat you as you deserve to be treated. But somehow at the time I was not able to imagine ever moving on. The things he'd said. The way he looked at me. I honestly feltand he vocally concurredthat we were the only two people in the world who had ever connected on that level.

Well, until his wife called me up on the phone one day.

And I STILL thought I was his The One, and that she was a temporary obstacle to him finding me again and giving up everything to be with me.

Hormones and love chemicals can be a real bitch.

But years after all that, I witnessed just how badly people can be manipulated by lovers who lay on the "you're special you're the only one we were made for each other" charm.

I had two close friends who were involved with the same man in our friend circle. Everyone knew he was a womanizer, but these two women both had it BAD for him and were convinced of a deep connection, etc. This went on for a couple of years.

It went on until one of the women killed herself. She killed herself over this absolute bastard. That was when I knew that we are all so vulnerable. She wasn't an unstable person. I know how easy it is to assume that she was if you didn't know anything else about her other than what I've shared here, but she just wasn't.

I'm not saying you're suicidal. I'm saying our hormones and the sweet-talking of someone we're sleeping with can TOTALLY cloud our thinking to terrible extremes.

For the record, I don't believe the men do it for sex. I think they do it because they desperately crave romance and excitement. I think they do it for the same reasons women lead men on horribly. Because they need to feel wanted and because they are enamoured with themselves and their image of themselves as irreplaceable lovers.

OP, I understand to a certain extent. I had a boyfriend years ago who I felt that connection with. He was younger and unlike the object of your affections, he was a nice guy. Sexually we just clicked. However, he never really loved me like I loved him. I loved him to the point where my whole life revolved around him. I was a mess when he didn't want to be with me any more and it lead me to some bad relationship choices as I felt pretty worthless.
However, years on I realise that it was very unhealthy to feel like that. Love should be far more equal and should not feel like an addiction. If it feels like that then, like any addict, you could find yourself behaving in ways you normally wouldn't, to get your fix.
My guy was nice but didn't love me, in the end and I acted like a fool. Yours sounds manipulative and like he's using you. I'm another vote for cut all ties!

Hope you're ok OP

Hi yes I'm ok, I appreciate all the replies, and I agree with a lot of the points made, it does feel like a really strong connection I have with him, but he doesn't feel the same obviously, but it's like there is something between us? For him to keep coming back, but yeah I know it's the chemicals and hormones, it really does feel like an addiction and I'm basically just waiting for my next fix 😕

Also he is a nice man in a lot of ways, he's polite and always pleasant to me when I've been with him, he listens to me and remembers things I've told him. He's got a child and I can tell he's a good dad, and he's hard working. I think it's me, like I bring out the worst in him because he must know I've no respect for myself.

It's the good sex. He's a sleaze.

4 points op, none of them meant disrespectfully;

1. You wonder why he'd come back to you while he has someone else; that's because you wouldn't do that if you were with someone else, but he (and many men) would. This could be for any no. of reasons ... variety, validation/attention, makes him feel like 'the man', makes him feel like she (or any woman0 can't control him/hurt him etc.

1. You wonder why he'd come back at all, does it mean there 'is something' - no, all the points above. Plus, animals will come back to the place they were fed for years after, know what I'm saying?

1. You can be as good-looking/beautiful as anything, it doesn't mean all men will treat you well. Look at some of the beautiful women who've been cheated on and treated badly in relationships, women other women envy for the looks, bodies etc, and wish they looked like .. Marilyn Monroe, Ava Gardner, Halle Berry, Cheryl Cole. You are treated as well as you accept.

1. Re. lack of life, friends etc. - try everything you can to build up your life, hobbies, activities, sports etc.Try joining 'Meetup' and going to absol anything that catches your interest (child-care arrangements allowing obviously.

xx

Yes I understand maybe he wants attention, to feel like he can have me anytime he wants, and this might sound warped 😕 but I like that in a way, I want to give him that attention because it was so good between us and he deserves that because he's so much better than other men. What I can't bear though is being ignored and not knowing if I'm going to see him again.
I actually read a book about Marilyn Monroe based on her life and it did make me feel very uncomfortable because I could relate to a lot of the ways she had been mistreated and used by men.

He's so much better than other men ?

No he isn't. He's a common or garden shagger and a cheat. They are ten a penny.

Get him off that pedestal. It's embarrassing for you.

He is not better than other men, he's a twat and you deserve better. If you can't see that, I suggest you get some counselling, OP. No-one should treat you like a toy they can pick up or discard when they have something-or someone-better to do.

Why is your own self worth so wrapped up in this loser wanting to use you, that is very cringeworthy and worrying. Do you have children, job, friends, family? There must be something you can do to build your self esteem. Laying down and letting him use and abandon you again most certainly is not going to do that. I agree you need counselling. And if you have been treated that badly in the past the Freedom Programme too.

NO offense but if he seems great compared to other men you've been with so far, that shows that the bar ended up very low. Note the words "so far"; you are only 37, which may not feel it but is young (I know women who met their husbands/2nd husbands/partners in their 40's and beyond) and you can meet someone decent. There are decent men out there; yes, you have to sift through a lot of dross but the amount of time & effort you waste with the dross is your decision & yours only.

A agree with the other posters re. counselling - alongside building up your life with hobbies, meetup, socialising etc.

I can't remember the exact circumstances but I know Marilyn was not raised by her birth parents, but shunted off to relatives where she felt like a bit of burdern and where the 'man of the house' often took an unhealthy interest in her, when that happened she was moved eslsewhere and his behaviour was accepted & worked around - sadly very common for the time. I think she ened up feeling like no-one wanted her, like her male guardians behaviour was her fault etc. and it affected her self-esteem and happiness her whole (relatively short) life. I'd say her death was wrapped up with that unhappiness & v low self-esteem.

Counselling and self awareness (you could start reading on the subject, watching things on youtube etc.) - and developing your life, will help you break your patterns.

Also if you have been in abusive situations, Lundy Bancroft's book on abuse is brilliant. I can email you a pdf copy if you want.

Couple of other things; the feelings/feeling of addiction to him, that's just chemicals/hormones etc. The only way to get rid of it is to stop seeing and having sex with the person.

Also, you said some other guys had asked you out; how about giving them a chance. You don't have to have sex for a quite a while, just spend some time with them, see how it goes.

Grrr, men can be such utter shits in the way they treat women.

OP, read the pinned post at the top of the Relationships section, entitled "Right, listen up everybody". I've had several experiences similar to yours and found it quite helpful.

Yeah the bar is low, I was in an abusive relationship from the age of 18 till about four years ago, before that I was homeless for about a year as I had to leave home when i was 17, I haven't had any contact with my mother since. I have had counselling in my twenties, it was useless tbh and i had cbt about two years ago, I didn't finish it as I think my problems are too complicated to be solved in ten weeks.
Obviously I know I'm f**cked up, I know this is pathetic and embarrassing to be feeling like this.
Merville - I was going to get that book to cope with my ex, things have calmed down a bit with him in the past year though, i think the problem is with me not the man?

Also when I split with my ex, I didn't have sex or anything for two years, I feel I've missed out tbh and get really lonely in the house at night, I've got an eight year old and can't really go out so it's like should I be lonely or see him for a night and have a bit of happiness?