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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Obsessed with this man, need advice

216 replies

hunneymonster · 24/06/2016 17:24

I've previously posted on another thread about this, but feel so confused and upset that I would really appreciate some advice or opinions.
I met a man six months ago through OD, wasn't sure whether I fancied him at first, though he was lovely in himself, I slept with him which was amazing, and then it was like I was instantly in love or infatuated with him. I saw him a couple more times and he then began messing me about, not messaging or arranging to see me.
I would wait for him to contact me and then end up messaging him myself as I missed him that much. Sometimes he would be really pleased and keen to see me but would go cold on me again after.
This happened again for a couple of months until he finally told me he had met someone else. I was gutted but fair enough if he had. He has contacted me again recently asking to see me, telling me he wants me and I'm amazing but I still think he is with his new partner and don't understand what is going on with him or what he thinks of me?
I'm just need some advice or a different perspective as it's been going round my head so much I can't think clearly anymore, I'm trying to move on and meet new people but it's like noone else compares to him.

OP posts:
NameChange30 · 13/11/2016 21:12

If you told your GP you recently had unprotected sex with a man who previously gave you an STD, and you have a history of abusive relationships, I'm pretty sure they would refer you.

Or you could follow any of the other suggestions to get free/cheap mental health support.

Or you could continue to make terrible choices. Up to you.

Cakeycakecake · 13/11/2016 21:40

Different angle... you sound like I was about 8yrs ago. I was 20 and on a self destruct path. I was recently diagnosed bipolar and the sex question was one my dr asked.
I too have an abusive background, stemming back to aged 8. I swing back and forth with mania and depression, have suffered for years.
I'm not keyboard diagnosing, but look on mind.org you'll find a wealth of info and I do honestly think, like others, a dr knowing all this would be eager to refer you for help.
You seem so resigned to a life of this. You're worth more. Please get help

Buzzardbird · 13/11/2016 21:47

I hope you seek some help OP.

Buzzardbird · 13/11/2016 21:48

You never did answer my question though, why is that?

springydaffs · 13/11/2016 21:53

Could you afford £5 per hour therapy? That's what I mean by low cost. Though you have to dig for it, it's out there.

springydaffs · 13/11/2016 21:54

I also found some free therapy somewhere, can't remember where. Really, it's out there xx

Original poster
hunneymonster · 13/11/2016 22:25

Buzzardbird - sorry there have been so many replies, oh I don't have a daughter but if I did I would tell her exactly what you are all saying. Though I don't feel I should be giving advice to anyone ha.
I did go to my gp a few years ago, told them this and other stuff, went through all the process to get ten weeks of cbt?
Yeah £5 per hour, if it was proper long term therapy, I would pay.

OP posts:
QueenLizIII · 13/11/2016 22:25

If you told your GP you recently had unprotected sex with a man who previously gave you an STD, and you have a history of abusive relationships, I'm pretty sure they would refer you.

She isnt depressed, suicidal, unable to function, having anxiety attacks, self harming, et al.

Ive known people have the above and not get an urgent referral. Rather, given a leaflet to self refer to a shitty service for group tutorials when they were suffering severe depressive symptoms.

Shagging a man of a her own free will and wanting a child by him. The GP would probably give a shrug even with a history of bad relationships.

Original poster
hunneymonster · 13/11/2016 22:44

I've been depressed, suicidal and had anxiety in the past.

OP posts:
springydaffs · 13/11/2016 22:54

You would pay £5 because you've got it spare? Or because you can afford £5?

Sorry to look like I'm nit-picking but for some of us therapy isn't a luxury but crucial, an essential. So, holidays, car etc may have to go on the back burner to free up the cash eg.

As you've seen, the NHS does not have the funding to provide decent therapy. CBT does offer good baseline MH skills but doesn't touch the big stuff which needs specialist, longterm intervention.

But for some reason we all seem to jump to the NHS when it comes to MH. I have no idea why, because there is simply no money in the NHS MH. It doesn't mean we are stuffed, or that private therapy is only for the privileged.

Talking of which, do try BACP . Have a good look at the site to see what to expect and look out for in therapy (eg therapists' qualifications); then click 'find a therapist' to see a long list of therapists in your area. Narrow down who you like the look of then contact them to get a feel for them and also to ask if they do concessions. Many do offer a sliding fee scale, just ask (they won't be offended). Also ask them for advice about where you can get cut-price therapy if they can't offer it themselves. They're in the know about what is available in their field.

Original poster
hunneymonster · 13/11/2016 22:55

But I didn't get any help then and I wouldn't get it now unless I paid.

OP posts:
QueenLizIII · 13/11/2016 22:57

I've been depressed, suicidal and had anxiety in the past.

The past is the operative word. You dont have it right now. I say this as someone who has suffered from it too.

You are sleeping with this man of your own free will in the absence of suffering from depression in the here and now. Also you seem to be actively trying to have a child by him. You know what are doing.

Ergo I dont see why an urgent referral to therapy on an already stretched to breaking point service is mandated.

Original poster
hunneymonster · 13/11/2016 22:58

I looked at counselling webites, most near me start at £30 per session but I've not had chance to have a proper look.

OP posts:
springydaffs · 13/11/2016 22:58

It's tragic we have to cobble it together ourselves but there it is. That's the state of NHS MH these days Angry

There is one positive though: any private therapy you have won't be on your NHS records.

Original poster
hunneymonster · 13/11/2016 23:00

QueenLizIII - I agree with what you said, I said the same earlier when people suggested I go to the doctors.

OP posts:
springydaffs · 13/11/2016 23:02

There is a whole array of MH conditions that don't come under NHS headings, Liz. It could be argued op doesn't know what she's doing in the accepted sense.

Original poster
hunneymonster · 13/11/2016 23:02

I'd just feel like I was wasting their time to be honest even if I did get referred.

OP posts:
Myusernameismyusername · 13/11/2016 23:03

It's destructive behaviour.
Also you need an STI check and you may well need to see a GP about a pregnancy or termination
So filling them in on the whole picture could open up a support group, or some such help to boost your self esteem

Myusernameismyusername · 13/11/2016 23:04

I think it is not dissimilar to self harm, it is just not the type people talk about. IMHO

tipsytrifle · 13/11/2016 23:05

So you assumed he had been treated for the std he passed on to you. Then you assumed you might get it (or another) again. Because you never voiced any conditions to the sex. You never asked him, did you? You never told him you had been treated. Presumably you didn't get treatment until the symptoms became unbearable.

You're going to wait and see about pregnancy because you either are or aren't. Is there any part of your life where you are in active control of anything? It seems like you kind of float, obey, accept whatever and hope ... for what? A momentary lapse of need?

I'm not convinced that in your personal life you are functioning at all. Perhaps you are shut down because of the abuse you have suffered. Was it sexual abuse?

Myusernameismyusername · 13/11/2016 23:07

What worries me is how vulnerable OP is to something dreadful, a terrible path.
How do you think girls end up as prostitutes? Or on drugs? Because their lives feel worthless. I would love to help OP realise she is worth so much more before something awful happens

springydaffs · 13/11/2016 23:09

I looked at counselling webites, most near me start at £30 per session but I've not had chance to have a proper look.

ask if they do concessions. Many do offer a sliding fee scale, just ask (they won't be offended) to quote myself

They're obviously going to advertise the optimum cost of their work. But they also know not everyone can genuinely pay that price - hence sliding fee scale. (That said, they are aware of this - ingrained, it seems - idea many seem to have that therapy is a little bit of indulgence on the side that people will pay for out of surplus funds..)

tipsytrifle · 13/11/2016 23:10

Totally agree Myusernameismyusername

QueenLizIII · 14/11/2016 00:43

I take this from the OP from the first page:

I have had counselling in my twenties, it was useless tbh and i had cbt about two years ago, I didn't finish it as I think my problems are too complicated to be solved in ten weeks.

She dropped NHS funded CBT as she didnt think it helped.

As another poster said somewhere here: some people just cant be helped.

daisychain01 · 14/11/2016 03:44

men can be such utter shits in the way they treat women

It's a two way street, men only "treat" women badly who are prepared to put up with their shit. Women, and men for that matter, don't need to be passive, there is a choice if only they'd wake up to that fact!

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