Obsessed with this man, need advice

[hunneymonster]

I've previously posted on another thread about this, but feel so confused and upset that I would really appreciate some advice or opinions.
I met a man six months ago through OD, wasn't sure whether I fancied him at first, though he was lovely in himself, I slept with him which was amazing, and then it was like I was instantly in love or infatuated with him. I saw him a couple more times and he then began messing me about, not messaging or arranging to see me.
I would wait for him to contact me and then end up messaging him myself as I missed him that much. Sometimes he would be really pleased and keen to see me but would go cold on me again after.
This happened again for a couple of months until he finally told me he had met someone else. I was gutted but fair enough if he had. He has contacted me again recently asking to see me, telling me he wants me and I'm amazing but I still think he is with his new partner and don't understand what is going on with him or what he thinks of me?
I'm just need some advice or a different perspective as it's been going round my head so much I can't think clearly anymore, I'm trying to move on and meet new people but it's like noone else compares to him.

[merville]

Don't be embarrassed or feel pathetic hunney; hearing your background, I really feel for you. I'm no expert but perhaps counselling/cbt is worth another try. And certainly problems won't be solved in 10 wks but if you can identify patterns, why you feel/act a certain way and make changes ...
perhaps someone with more experience of counselling/cbt etc. can chime in here ....

Your ex definitely has a problem (!) but that's up to him to solve (& he prob. never will).

Separately you have yours (you are abusing anyone because of yours though!). I'd recommend anyone on the planet read that book.
In your case it would be useful to understand men like your ex, relationships in general and help you make sense of what happened, feel better about it, and not get into similar situations.

[merville]

"you aren't abusing..."

[merville]

The hurt/feeling bad/being used/being one of a cheater's women is not worth the sex & company in my book.

Better to have sex & company with a decent guy in a real relationship which you will find sooner or later if you try.

[merville]

Messaged you my email address; inbox is under "My Mumsnet" if you haven't used it before.

[PsychedelicSheep]

'Find a nice guy your own age, bin this one off asap'

My bf is 11 years younger than me (I'm 37, same age as the OP). Our relationship is amazing, respectful and loving and passionate. It's not the guys age that's the issue here, it's the fact that he's taking the piss. But older guys (and women) are just as capable of this, age isn't the issue.

[PsychedelicSheep]

Honestly OP, I've bad something like this in the past and the only way to deal is cold turkey. I promise you, one month with zero contact and it'll be a little bit better. 3 months with zero contact and it'll be significantly better. 6 months and you'll wonder what the hell you were thinking.

[scousesal]

As hard as it is you need to block him , I am going through similar and after 3 months no contact I see what a horrible man he was .Not gone to say its easy but it sounds like he's just messing with you and you deserve better OP.

[hunneymonster]

I changed my number, forgot about him and then he knocked on my door a week ago

[Myusernameismyusername]

What did you do?
He's coming back because he thinks you are weak enough to keep charming into bed

[Shayelle]

Block him op and move on.

[Daisiesandgerberas]

You answered it?

What was said?

[hunneymonster]

I didn't know it was him when he knocked so I was stunned really, he told me he d been ringing me and that he'd missed me

[Myusernameismyusername]

Yes, so what happened? Did you sleep with him or tell him to get lost?

[Daisiesandgerberas]

OP

Read the post you wrote at 20.13 on 25th June. You sum it up when you mention the attention.

If you have managed without him before, you can do it again as you now know what a liberating feeling that is.

[hunneymonster]

I slept with him and now I feel awful again

[HeavenlyEyes]

so you did tell him to bugger off didn't you?

[ComedyBoobs]

Therapy might be a good call.

[Myusernameismyusername]

Why don't you value yourself? Honestly this makes me sad to read. He hasn't had to make any effort with you for months and just turns up, and you knew you would feel awful. I feel awful for you because I think this is just so dangerous for you, this is destroying any self esteem you might have had left.

[Maverickismywingman]

He's using you for a quick hump and dump sweetheart.

And TBH knocking on your door after not being in contact is frankly a touch stalker-ish.

[Buzzardbird]

Imagine that you are your daughter in 10yrs time. What would you want for her and advise her to do?

[hunneymonster]

He came round, he told me i was the best he'd been with, that I was special to him, he said my name when we were having sex, what am I supposed to think now

[oldlaundbooth]

He's realised you don't have any self esteem and are willing to be used.

Don't let him.

[Buzzardbird]

That is the oldest trick in the book hunney :(

[Myusernameismyusername]

Don't you want to be the best at something other than sex?

[Buzzardbird]

That and "you will fall in love with me, you won't be able to help it". Watch out for that one. A player told me all his tricks years ago, they are not even new lines, they use pyschology.