Obsessed with this man, need advice

[hunneymonster]

I've previously posted on another thread about this, but feel so confused and upset that I would really appreciate some advice or opinions.
I met a man six months ago through OD, wasn't sure whether I fancied him at first, though he was lovely in himself, I slept with him which was amazing, and then it was like I was instantly in love or infatuated with him. I saw him a couple more times and he then began messing me about, not messaging or arranging to see me.
I would wait for him to contact me and then end up messaging him myself as I missed him that much. Sometimes he would be really pleased and keen to see me but would go cold on me again after.
This happened again for a couple of months until he finally told me he had met someone else. I was gutted but fair enough if he had. He has contacted me again recently asking to see me, telling me he wants me and I'm amazing but I still think he is with his new partner and don't understand what is going on with him or what he thinks of me?
I'm just need some advice or a different perspective as it's been going round my head so much I can't think clearly anymore, I'm trying to move on and meet new people but it's like noone else compares to him.

Oh hunney. Where to start? First off I've seen friends and relatives in similar positions, and short of moving, I'm not sure what you can do until you actively make the decision to stop letting this loser in. You need to want to get over him, and from your posts it doesn't sound like you do, therefore you're going to end up on a merry-go-round of being picked up and dropped like a play thing until he gets bored / meets a woman he loves and respects enough not to cheat on.

I know its difficult - I've been practically in the gutter before, and had a guy do similar, picking me up and dropping me repeatedly. For me I had a moment of clarity when he popped back up months down the line of no contact, I thought he wanted to make a go of it again, only to be dropped yet again (similar to your guy). Why do they do it? Because they're selfish is the main reason, in my opinion. He was lonely, he was bored, he was fed up, his girlfriend isn't giving him sex, he knew you were an easy option. And like others have said, he used you, with absolutely no regard to how you would feel afterwards. I'm not trying to hurt you - but if you can't see this - if this doesn't wake you up - like it did me, I really don't know what will.

I really hope you can move on, and like others have said, feel you could benefit from some counselling. I really do wish you the best hunney x

Did you have safe sex OP?

I don't know how people can help to be honest, I appreciate the replies and advice but I can't relate it to him. Ive blocked him and won't be contacting him again anyway. Also there is no therapy, counselling, I live in a deprived area and if I tried to get referred for a mental health assessment for being lonely I would get laughed out of there.

An easy lay ha, fair enough

No we didn't have safe sex, he usually pulls out but not this time.

He doesn't keep coming back, OP. He reappeared after as long apart as the time you were sort-of together. How many times in the 6 mths you knew him before did he and you date? Did you date or was it mostly going back to yours for sex after a meet-up somewhere? Were there long gaps between (during which he was dating others, as you suggested earlier) that mean you've actually only laid eyes on this man to have sex every now and then?

Thing is, we're asking these questions because we see this situation as one thing while you see it as another. Despite the evidence giving you enough distress to post here and maybe wonder a bit what's going on. But you already know what's going on. You absolutely need to talk with someone professional about you and what has made you "tick" like this.

There is jo "usually" about this. You should really get the morning after pill after this latest event. Or consider a pregnancy test if it's been a few days now. Have you considered the possibility that you may have conceived?

"no" not "jo"

Please please please please go get tested for STI's

You are a grown woman and a mother. I can't believe you would put your health a risk for the sake of feeling good for one evening. This is dangerous Hunney.

Also mental health services in deprived areas tend to be better resourced because deprivation and mental health are closely linked.
You don't go to the GP and say please help me I am lonely you need to say please help me because I feel completely lost and unhappy and recently had unprotected sex with a man I barely know who makes me feel so bad about myself

Not going to happen where I live, believe me, they've got people with serious problems to deal with. I was really depressed and ill years ago and I didn't get any proper help then, I'm better now and you won't get a mental health referral for something like this.

We dated for about a month or so, then was every couple of weeks or once a month, now it's every couple of months we see each other or speak.

Thing is, OP - this loneliness has you referring to it as obsessional. You're taking risks with your sexual health and basic safety, you're overtly passive and serving a man at his request while trying to see something of value in an occasional encounter of the crudest kind. This is beyond loneliness and deserving of some professional advice. This not at all a laughing matter. Especially if you are now pregnant.

i can see you aren't going to take any advice from anyone on this so all I can hope is that you don't have a nasty sexually transmitted infection or get pregnant and focus on giving yourself and your kids a better life, than this which you sound completely resigned to just exisiting and not living and being trapped in this cycle of self abuse.

You could try living - it's pretty good.

I've been abused my whole life though, this is nothing really compared to that. I am listening though, Im reading all the replies but I'm all over the place and don't know what to think right now. He did give me an std earlier this year.

So what do you want to happen with this man?

You are self abusing
This is what this is. Allowing yourself to be used for sex because you have been abused yourself. You feel worthless.
You aren't worthless. You are someone's mum and someone's daughter and your life matters.
You need help Hunny, you really do need to speak to someone.
You can get help to break this cycle if you ask for it.

If he wasn't treated for his std earlier this year then it's likely he's re-gifted it to you after this last occasion. You're an abuse survivor and you need support. Please go to your GP and ask for a check up in this regard and the potential pregnancy. Ask for counselling in the light of your previous history. This way of life is not right or healthy; you're vulnerable and at risk in so many ways.

You were let down in the past but things have changed. Assuming there is no help to be had now is to sign yourself up to this kind of encounter forever. This is continuing your abuse even if it doesn't seem like it right now. In addition, sooner or later matters will escalate and take you straight back to whatever hell you've endured in the past. You have dc and you all deserve much better than this. I hope you can find some grit to get out of this passive cage that is crippling you.

He gave you an std
He STILL doesn't use a condom
He doesn't call you for months...
Then gets in touch for sex

Total prince among men,clearly respects and likes you, OP.

You need to work on yourself and discover why it is you think you deserve this shit.

💐
I think I know how strong the pull is. It does feel like being powerless. Google love addiction and read about it. Might help explain what you are feeling if you identify with it - it is not love it is a dysfunctional obsession driven by your own unmet needs/ childhood attachments. It's not love because it is not loving. Love shouldn't hurt.

I was treated for the std and I gave the clinic his name and have slept with him since so he must have got treated.
I'm not anyone's daughter though, I've no family at all except my kids.
Well I will wait and see about being pregnant and that, all I want is just to meet someone nice but also I don't like going out on dates and meeting new people, I'm not very outgoing and I'm really really tired as well, I've not got the energy anymore.
Thanks for all your replies, I am thinking this all through.

I don't know if it's an obsession, if I like a man and I sleep with him, I do get attached and clingy and it makes me really anxious, I just find dating people I don't know really hard.

I really think you should tell him what impact he is having on your life. Maybe text him something like:
I am worth more than this. I want to be with someone who wants to be with me- properly. I stopped replying to your calls because the situation was making me feel bad about myself. Please don't contact me again unless you want to be my boyfriend.

It's really hard for anyone to resist that intensity, and especially hard when you haven't been taught to value yourself. But you owe it to yourself. People won't treat you well unless you treat yourself well. You'll probably not hear from him again, but it can be the beginning of a new phase, where you are good to yourself and expect others to be.
Good luck. You sound lovely and not at all cringey or pathetic. You sound clever and kind and thoughtful.

Oh OP,please don't ever answer the door to him ever again!

I know it's hard(it's bloody torture)when you feel this way about someone that's no good for you but I promise you these feelings aren't love,they're an infatuation and your not the first one amongst us to fall hard and be infatuated with the wrong man and sadly you won't be the last!

Of course he will keep coming back to use you,your an attractive,kind and experienced women you're most probably giving him the biggest ego stroke he's ever had.

Please get tested to make sure he hasn't given you anything else and get yourself a pregnancy test and stop playing Russian Roulette with your health,if you won't do it for yourself do it for your DC!

God forbid he could ever pass something onto you that could make you so ill that you don't get to be there for your DC,start living your life for them and for you,not for someone who thinks so little of you that he'd give you an std!

Yes, didn't even have a cuddle or a kiss goodbye.

Along with everything else, I think this aspect of the whole thing is horrible. Even after casual sexual encounters, I need a cuddle afterwards. You must have have felt so vulnerable and rejected.

After years of abusive relationships, you really need to try to understand yourself better. Please don't be defeatist about your chances of accessing professional support. Do you work? Study? Is their support offered through work/union/university? Please see your GP. Go on the Mind website. Any possibility you can pay privately? Also, the NHS offer CBT online. Not as good as 1 to 1 therapy but it's cheaper and might be available quicker.

Please also check whether you are pregnant and go to your next GUM clinic walk-in session and get tested for STDs.

Make yourself a promise that you won't ever again have sex with a man who "doesn't do" condoms. I have never encountered a man who "doesn't do" condoms when condoms are non-negotiable.

Getting hung up on previous lovers isn't unusual. Particularly when you haven't got much else going on romantically or friendship-wise in your life. But please stop making bad decisions. You're better than this.

, , and unmumsnetty hugs.

Did he actually get up and leave straight after unprotected sex?

What are you going to do if you are pregnant? Did you take the Morning After Pill?