Married a stranger and going insane. (literally)

[mummymalta]

I started a thread about this last week

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/2649252-DH-has-hidden-some-heavy-stuff-AIBU-to-want-to-separate

And got a lot of advice but since Friday have seriously been so ill and sick full of nerves. I think what has happened has just hit me. Really hit me.

Went to a party without DH, an old "friend" of DH was there (hasn't seen in 12 years), he let slip that DH liked a lot bit of coke back in the day whilst drunk. I didn't know this so casually questioned DH when I got home. DH said only a couple of times but even though thus guy was drunk he didn't seem to mean a couple of times. Prodded a little and DH exposed a past of drugs and epic disaster when he was in a foreign country in early 20's doing a grad scheme.

The main horrific facts are:

Started as fun, coke got bad after meeting a girl who introduced him to harder stuff (crack mainly)

Horrid relationship together - the worst of it was him beating her during a drug fuelled argument (he admits this, said he blacked out but takes responsibility)

One morning after a crack binge she wanted more, he said no and she started screaming that he raped her (which he maintains he didn't and was never charged but spent two nights in jail)

She started selling herself and he would do drugs with her still after he found out

He finds her dead after they split up and her family goes nuts and accuses him of having a hand in it and he was interrogated by the police intensely. (not charged with anything and didn't have anything to do with it)

There was lying, stealing, manipulation involved as well but the above is the worst of it.

After she died he ran home scared shitless and has been clean ever since. He only took a sip of champagne at our wedding. He has always said he just simply doesn't drink and I never thought much of it

We have spoken about this "properly" around twice before I shut down for 3 weeks and when I tried to speak about it he calmly said he doesn't like talking about it because it is in the past. He said he's told me all I need to know and he's like it to stay in the past and not infect his new life. He said he supports my feelings but he doesn't want to sit with me and go through every gorey detail of his addiction. He said addicts do disgusting things and it's impractical to dwell.

He said not to tell anyone and that he didn't tell me because he was never charged, most importantly innocent, and yes things got insane but for the most of it he was a 22 year old dickhead.

I got a lot of advice on the other thread but I'm feeling alone, like i married a stranger. He's giving hugs and kisses and saying he understands my shock but does he really? I've started to really really think....Why is my usually supportive husband shutting me down? He's doing it politely, but doing it never the less.

I believe him as I've done research about drug abuse and things can get mad. But I just don't like the way he is handling this. He seems detached from what happened. He spoke about it really calmly. Didn't cry or shudder or look in pain once. I find this weird but many people on the other thread said they have had murky pasts and don't let it haunt them anymore either. I've heard SO many opinions and all of them make sense and have standing. Every last one. I'm so confused. I go from wanting to hold him and forget about this to wanting a divorce every other hour.

Tabsicle And thanks for sharing that you ran like my DH did that's brave to do on a thread like this. I think he was just scared shitless no? And just wanted to forget all about it. He didn't kill her, nor did he rape her. So what's wrong with wanting to forget the whole ordeal and move on? He beat her and she also falsely accused him of rape. They both did disgusting things to one another but he never once slagged her off or palmed off blame tbh.
He said to me that he will never move on but he has to move forward.

Hi mummymalta - this deluge of opinions must be quite confusing.

Would you consider getting counselling? That's what I'd be doing, in your position.

mummymalta if you are able to accept and respect your DH's right to privacy over a period of his life that he does not wish to talk about further with you, of course that's your call.

BUT, the fact that you are here asking for opinions suggests that you are not at all fine with the emotional distance it is causing.

You mentioned being the OW in the past, something you deeply regret now. Now, imagine if your DH recently discovered this through an old friend of yours and said revelation made him feel like he didn't know you anymore. How would you react and respond to him? Would you stonewall him and ask him to respect your right to privacy or would you do everything in your power to reassure him, even if it meant going over a part of your life that you'd rather forget?

I suspect the latter. So why would you deserve anything less from your DH?

But where do I draw the line? That, I think is why you might want to leave this now and go and talk to a counsellor. There are two very clear 'sides' here and you seem to still be stuck somewhere in the middle, unable to process any more or to move on any further.

You and your DH have come to an impasse: he has no more he wants to add to the detail he has already told you and you feel the need for more.

You need some RL support to think through what you want, regardless of what is best for him or the two of you as a couple.

Maybe your GP can help, if you explain you have had a terrible shock and need a referral.

Good luck.

What a tough situation. I don't think there's a right or wrong answer to what you should do and a lot depends on you being able to move on emotionally and trust your DH. The devil's in the detail - whether you feel that your DH has actively lied about the past, whether your gut instincts are that he is trustworthy, how you feel morally about his behaviour.

He was at the very least playing with fire not telling you something so huge. I agree that unpicking how you feel with a counsellor would make sense.

I've read your last thread and this.

Nobody can tell you what to do/how much to forgive, much as I'm sure you'd love one of us to give you all the answers.

I noticed after your last talk that you had started minimising what he'd done/told you...that's understandable.

But the thing he did won't go away because he doesn't want to talk about it. And you can't un-know what you know.

he never actually send her out on the street he just used the money she earned to buy drugs and never got her to stop

This jumped out from the first thread as an example of what I mean.

He did pimp her out. He bought himself drugs from the money she got letting men use her body. Don't kid yourself that it is somehow 'better' than your preconceived notions of pimps.

Yes, everyone has a past but...can you change that much?

He might have raped that girl. You will never, ever know for sure that he didn't.

He 'beat the shit out of her'.

He spent her money from her prostitution on drugs for him.

You alluded to him "setting something up" and one of his friends got badly hurt?

He did 'disgusting' things.

I mean - move on by all means. But if you keep minimising it you're not moving on. You're burying. And that's not the same thing at all.

Can't people genuinely change - no matter how vile the crime?

I don't know.

Ask yourself that if your dd comes home with a boyfriend accused of raping then murdering the girl who had sex with other people to fund his drug habit...

My measure of everything is, how would you feel if that was your daughter?

Walter I'm not sticking up for him at all but I don't think he's ever been accused of murder

But where do I draw the line?

That's an entirely personal choice. Everyone has their own values, and their own limits on what they're willing to accept.

Speak to a counselor. They're there to help guide us to make our own decisions for our own selves.

I thought she said he was questioned for her murder in NY?

So sorry, I must have misread

I thought he was questioned about her death as presumably anyone she'd been close to or seen on her final days would have been. But I could very well be wrong.

I'm sure OP said he was questioned, that he upset at being the'prime suspect' and it was then ruled as an overdose?

IIRC he found her dead either by suicide or overdose (can't remember which) and her parents wanted him to be held responsible for her death. It was posters on the other thread which started extrapolating from the fact that she had died to start saying that perhaps he'd murdered her...

In terms of where a line is drawn, well everyone has their own line. Having been the OW at 22 or whatever age you were isn't at all comparable to having beat the crap out of a partner and pimping them out for drugs. Although since this thread I'm inclined to think that being the OW twenty years ago is considered to be the greater of the crimes .

I've booked myself in for a block of 10 sessions. I've never liked counselling and I don't it much different than this ; In the end the counsellor will just tell me it's all up to me.

Many people on this thread have said they have disgusting pasts and are great people now

Yes, they are definitely disinterested observers with no horse in the race.

Seriously, calling yourself a "whore" because you slept with a man who didn't even have a proper girlfriend is pathetic.

You can't compare argusbly shoddy personal morality with seriously abusive and violent criminal behaviour.

People can change.

People who are not sorry for their serious violent crimes have not changed.

The face that he presented a false face to you is the opposite of evidence that he has changed.

His response so far is that of an unremorseful man.

I do feel for you OP.
It's easier said than done, but it does need to be your decision, so not influenced by any one on here, and not influenced by your husband either.

Well of course counsellors won't tell you what to do (and if they do they're not doing their job well) - but they can help you explore why you feel the way you do, what it is you really feel, maybe why you've ended up in a relationship like this, and what kind of relationship would work best for you, as well as exploring how you can move forward with him now.

You could ask them about practicalities about people who've gone through what he's gone through - what can you ask him? What should you expect? What does it mean about him that he could do this stuff? And not tell you about it? How will it affect your kids? How can you address it without dramatising or minimising?

Anything and everything you've secretly or not-so-secretly worried about. And hopefully they can give you good answers or some new information or angles to think from.

sorry if that's all really obvious stuff by the way - but I've benefited from some good counselling before now and think it can be really worthwhile. I really hope it goes well for you too.

I haven't read all this thread, but read your last. I think if insane some element of torment and remorse I might feel more charitable, but your description of his demeanour in the first thread seemed very calm and dismissive about it. And reluctant to understand that this is actually a big thing, she was a human being, and that his actions then and now speak volumes about his moral calibre.

Yes, the counseling will leave the ultimate decision up to you. But in the course of your sessions, the counselor should probe your values and needs; help you verbalise things about yourself that you maybe don't consciously know, so that the decision you take is based on what best matches these values and needs of yours.

people make choices.

Active choics every day about who they choose to be.

For me, because I am selfish msybe, the active choices he made in living the life he lived with me would represent who he was now and I think that would probably be good enough for me.

It is my life and I don't have to justify that to anyone.

Neither do you op.

Or the other choice either.

I am glad you are getting counselling op. These threads are passed being helpful.

OP, you know when some arguments seem logical and even persuasive but something still doesn't feel right? I've read many replies, seen both sides, and I would have to agree that something niggles - and I think you know what it is.

What a counsellor will do is let you explore how you feel without doing what ALL OF US here are doing... imprinting our own feelings on our responses.

As wilting has also said, posting here is no longer of any use to you... Good luck with the counsellor.

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