Married a stranger and going insane. (literally)

[mummymalta]

I started a thread about this last week

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/2649252-DH-has-hidden-some-heavy-stuff-AIBU-to-want-to-separate

And got a lot of advice but since Friday have seriously been so ill and sick full of nerves. I think what has happened has just hit me. Really hit me.

Went to a party without DH, an old "friend" of DH was there (hasn't seen in 12 years), he let slip that DH liked a lot bit of coke back in the day whilst drunk. I didn't know this so casually questioned DH when I got home. DH said only a couple of times but even though thus guy was drunk he didn't seem to mean a couple of times. Prodded a little and DH exposed a past of drugs and epic disaster when he was in a foreign country in early 20's doing a grad scheme.

The main horrific facts are:

Started as fun, coke got bad after meeting a girl who introduced him to harder stuff (crack mainly)

Horrid relationship together - the worst of it was him beating her during a drug fuelled argument (he admits this, said he blacked out but takes responsibility)

One morning after a crack binge she wanted more, he said no and she started screaming that he raped her (which he maintains he didn't and was never charged but spent two nights in jail)

She started selling herself and he would do drugs with her still after he found out

He finds her dead after they split up and her family goes nuts and accuses him of having a hand in it and he was interrogated by the police intensely. (not charged with anything and didn't have anything to do with it)

There was lying, stealing, manipulation involved as well but the above is the worst of it.

After she died he ran home scared shitless and has been clean ever since. He only took a sip of champagne at our wedding. He has always said he just simply doesn't drink and I never thought much of it

We have spoken about this "properly" around twice before I shut down for 3 weeks and when I tried to speak about it he calmly said he doesn't like talking about it because it is in the past. He said he's told me all I need to know and he's like it to stay in the past and not infect his new life. He said he supports my feelings but he doesn't want to sit with me and go through every gorey detail of his addiction. He said addicts do disgusting things and it's impractical to dwell.

He said not to tell anyone and that he didn't tell me because he was never charged, most importantly innocent, and yes things got insane but for the most of it he was a 22 year old dickhead.

I got a lot of advice on the other thread but I'm feeling alone, like i married a stranger. He's giving hugs and kisses and saying he understands my shock but does he really? I've started to really really think....Why is my usually supportive husband shutting me down? He's doing it politely, but doing it never the less.

I believe him as I've done research about drug abuse and things can get mad. But I just don't like the way he is handling this. He seems detached from what happened. He spoke about it really calmly. Didn't cry or shudder or look in pain once. I find this weird but many people on the other thread said they have had murky pasts and don't let it haunt them anymore either. I've heard SO many opinions and all of them make sense and have standing. Every last one. I'm so confused. I go from wanting to hold him and forget about this to wanting a divorce every other hour.

I totally disagree - of course there is redemption after addiction. There has to be redemption after everything. Only you know whether he resembles anything of what he apparently used to be and how genuine he is now.

Who I was at 22 is NOT the real me. It was a vulnerable, desperate little girl trying to find stability and identity.

Mummymalta - get yourself some counselling if he doesn't want to go. Maybe he will join you maybe he won't but it will help you find your own way and feel clearer.

Yy Wannabe

Mama, of course redemption may be possible but surely it can't involve sheer denial and lying? That's not making amends or getting over something, that's cowardly and not the basis for real relationship.

The first step to redemption is admitting that you were wrong.

He never admitted anything, and never would have.

It's a bit like a hit and run accident where a driver kills someone and then drives off, never speaking a word of it to anyone because he wants to put it behind him. Would we be understanding of that? No of course not.

Had your DH done time for his crimes, been through rehab and been forced to face his addiction before moving on with his life that would be one thing. But he hasn't. He chose to walk away, the victims he left in his wake had no choice. The women he pimped out, the girlfriend who he beat up and who then subsequently died by whatever means.

He is capable of beating a woman to a pulp who doesn't do what he wants. In his clean state he may choose not to do that, but the reality is that you don't know what he's capable of because he's decided to minimise that in order to paint himself as a nice decent bloke.

People have pasts and do change, of course they do. But part of changing is admitting what it is you need to change, and he's done none of that.

And one day your children will be old enough to experience drug use, and alcohol use, how will he deal with that?

Making amends to who? Why on earth does he need to make amends to someone who wasn't even around during that time?

Making amends is about the people you hurt because of your addiction. It doesn't mean dragging everything up years later for anyone who wants to know.

I feel strongly about this because one of my very close friends is a recovering addict. She is a truly wonderful person and it is now, away from drink, drugs and crime that supported the addiction, that she is showing her true self.

But he isn't genuine now, is he? There is a whole life he has chosen not to reveal because it says something about who he is.

Let's be honest, people don't withhold this stuff because they want to forget about it, they withhold it because they know that there is a chance, a very real chance that the people they tell will see them in a different light and choose not to associate with them any more. That should be those people's right if there is crime, prostitution and drug use involved. But it says everything about the person who chooses not to reveal their past to the person they intend to spend the rest of their life with, because it doesn't give them a fair picture of what they're dealing with.

How far do people think that it should be ok to have a past which isn't revealed? Say if you'd served a prison sentence for attempted murder? Murder? Rape? Child abuse? Should that all be left in the past if you' È decided that you never want to do any of that stuff again and just want to put it behind you? And if not, why not?

Might you try and remember that there is a real person on the other end of all of that, Wannabe?

Maybe temper your righteous indignation with a little bit of care and consideration for someone whose live has been turned upside down and is trying to work out how to deal with it.

Many people have a past and I think it's unfair to judge them on what they did before they knew you.

What is he like now, how does he treat you now? Think about his personality, is he that person? People change, people grow up, people work on themselves and improve, he should have been honest before you got married as hearing about that from another person is shitty.

It is a lot to take in, and I can understand you are in shock but he is your husband now and there must still be a lot of love for him right?

I was a drug addict years ago and dos some pretty horrific things. I don't talk about it. My husband knows a very small amount of it but does not pester me about it. It's my past. That's not who I am now. Being an ex addict does not make me a terrible mother or wife or person.
I think you're massively over reacting and I actually feel very sorry your husband. He sounds like he's had a really really horrible past.

If there were no drug abuse in his story, but the acts of violence and the rape accusation remained, there would surely be no doubt as to whether this was an overreaction on the part of the OP. Drug abuse does not absolve him.

This

And everything WannaBe has said.

Redemption happens after remorse and atonement.

This abusive bastard takes zero respinsibility for things he chose to do as an adult.

The weight being given to his moral purity for not drinking is crazy.

He exploited a woman to get drugs. Now he's exploiting a different woman to get the respectable life he thinks he deserves.

People are not entitled to violent criminal pasts. That is not a right anyone has.

We even have laws to force men to reveal past partner abuse. Just like the abuse this man visited on his now-dead ex.

He sounds like he's had a really really horrible past.

Yeah, poor him.

His past was horrible because he beat his girlfriend to a pulp for not giving him crack.

What an awful thing for him to have gone through.

FFS

MummyMaltaI just thought that I would put my little bit in here as I posted a thread only last week about my husband hiding his past from me (There wasn't drugs, rape or a death involved but still lies all the same)
I think if you love this man then you have to accept that this was his past. He was a young man and very stupid.
He has learnt from his past that that was not the life he wanted to continue with and even though its a huge thing to keep from you, thought that it was best left in the past as that is not the man he is today.
Relationship counselling may help you get answers from him and to work through this.
I thought that I would never be able to move forward from my husbands lies and deceit but can after the one counselling session we had at the weekend.
I will never understand why he did what he did like you may never but you can listen and put it to bed so you can move forward.
No more lies or hidden secrets. You are married and in my eyes, should know everything about each other as the truth always seems to rear its ugly head no matter what!
Good luck to you.

So people like us should just be alone forever?

Ok...

UmbongoUnchained Well done to you for turning your life around!
Most of us do things in our past that we are not proud of but it doesn't mean that because of it we should suffer for the rest of our lives!
You deserve happiness!

Thanks chele :)

If anything my past has made me a better person today. There's a lot of life lessons to be learnt by experiencing things like that.

But that's probably articulating what's been going on in the OP's head OurBlanche. It's not too unfair to discuss it.

Chele my lovely, it's a different sort of past - your block wasn't violent or drug-addicted.

Umbungo that's brilliant, but I'm guessing (maybe wrongly?) you were open with your partner about it and it wasn't a lie hidden away?

Block?! Bloke.

jajah no my husband knows very little about what I used to get up to. He doesn't care. It's not at all who I am today. I also know a bit about his past which turn a lot of people away but it doesn't bother me.

Exactly umbongo! I'm shocked at the responses on here but they seem to be coming from a place of fear not understanding.

What Jajah said.

*Counselling - in real life, perhaps just you at first and then as a couple.

All the advice on the Internet means nothing compared to someone who can see you both in person and give you dedicated attention.*

I would be proud of a partner who had turned a past of addiction into a life of sobriety today.

And I would not stay with a partner who had ever struck a partner of his in the past.

Everybody's limits are different, of course. OP's husband is entitled to his redemption, but it doesn't follow that OP has to be the one to give it to him, if it doesn't sit well with her.

I find it very strange that people are talking about the DH's need to find redemption through remorse, atonement and admitting what he did wrong. The problem when dealing with situations that happened a long time in the past, is that the DH may feel he has already gone through that process. Perhaps he was remorseful at the time, perhaps he was open and honest with the people who were in his life at the time? I'm not clear how long the cycle of redemption seeking must continue (will he be seeking redemption again from any DCs when they come of age, for example), or why it is within the OPs purview to deny or grant him redemption.

I can fully understand why the OP is shocked and uncertain about how she now feels. I can understand why a man would feel that his actions of over a decade ago, which he has learned from and changed from (e.g. not drinking), are something he would want to remain in the past.

I think that talking, counselling and time are the only ways to deal with this.

But nobody has said that UmbongoUnchained but there is a vast difference between having a past where you may have done things you're not proud of I.e. Drug/alcohol addiction and various things which go with that, and a past which involves violence, prostitution (the use/pimping out of) beating up an ex partner, and the ultimate death of that partner.

Not everyone would want to be in a relationship with a drug addict, and not everyone would want to be in a relationship with someone who had form for beating up a girlfriend, whether drugs were involved or not. But the issue here is choice. The OP wasn't given a choice as to whether she could be with someone who had A, beaten up a partner, and B, been accused of rape but whose alleged victim was no longer around to tell her story and as such the accusation could never be proved.

It's ironic really because if someone posted here that they'd been seeing someone for a few months and all this stuff had just surfaced, they would be told in no uncertain terms to LTB even if the partner had come clean from the outset. In fact there was a thread only recently where a poster found out her partner had done time for an assault in a bar which he had come clean about, and the response to get rid was almost unanimous.

And yet I think that the earlier this kind of thing is revealed the more choice the other partner has as to whether or not to accept the person. They might not, but equally it's far easier to accept that someone has a past when that past is part of who they are.

For me it's the lying, the not telling anything about the past, painting a picture of a lovely man who had never been violent and yet who had this awful track record of having committed acts of violence. Drugs are not a justification or an excuse. He still did those things.

For me those kinds of things would be a deal-breaker from the outset. But perhaps in time I would get to know the person, and perhaps in time they would show that they'd put all that behind them, and then who knows. But ten years into a marriage is pure manipulation especially when there was never any intention to reveal and now that all has been revealed the OP is just expected to carry on and forget about it all.

The girlfriend's family didn't have that luxury. The women he pimped out didn't have that luxury. Wonder where they are now? Dead? Alive? Still on the streets? He doesn't know and he doesn't care. As long as he was able to walk away everyone else should just forget he ever happened.

A violent man who blames his violent crimes on the drugs he was taking at the time is not even remorseful, never mind changed.

This is about allowing a violent abuser to walk away from his crimes.

A druggie past is one thing.

The issue here is the serious harm he did to other people that he then walked away from.

He pimped out his ex girlfriend, beat her severely, and she accused him of rape. Now she is dead. He found her body.

This reminds me of that Dad's letter about how his rapist son's future shouldn't be blighted by "20 minutes".

Men need to have a chance to put their violence against women behind them and live their lives as though the women don't matter.

Which they don't really.

OP, I can see both sides of whether DH should have been open with you about this, and whether he needs to talk with you further. Of course he is entitled to put the past behind him, but equally you should feel as though you know your DHs history and what shaped him.

If nothing else, he has misled you.

He is being unreasonable not to acknowledge your need to talk through this revelation with you, to clear your own mind so that you can put it behind you.

I honestly think you need to seek counselling, independently to start with and then as a couple when your counsellor suggests it might help.

Maybe in the meantime you could consider a separation? It must be awful at home at the moment - you can't clear your head while he isn't allowing you the luxury of talking over a big issue with the person you have always shared problems with.