Married a stranger and going insane. (literally)

[mummymalta]

I started a thread about this last week

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/2649252-DH-has-hidden-some-heavy-stuff-AIBU-to-want-to-separate

And got a lot of advice but since Friday have seriously been so ill and sick full of nerves. I think what has happened has just hit me. Really hit me.

Went to a party without DH, an old "friend" of DH was there (hasn't seen in 12 years), he let slip that DH liked a lot bit of coke back in the day whilst drunk. I didn't know this so casually questioned DH when I got home. DH said only a couple of times but even though thus guy was drunk he didn't seem to mean a couple of times. Prodded a little and DH exposed a past of drugs and epic disaster when he was in a foreign country in early 20's doing a grad scheme.

The main horrific facts are:

Started as fun, coke got bad after meeting a girl who introduced him to harder stuff (crack mainly)

Horrid relationship together - the worst of it was him beating her during a drug fuelled argument (he admits this, said he blacked out but takes responsibility)

One morning after a crack binge she wanted more, he said no and she started screaming that he raped her (which he maintains he didn't and was never charged but spent two nights in jail)

She started selling herself and he would do drugs with her still after he found out

He finds her dead after they split up and her family goes nuts and accuses him of having a hand in it and he was interrogated by the police intensely. (not charged with anything and didn't have anything to do with it)

There was lying, stealing, manipulation involved as well but the above is the worst of it.

After she died he ran home scared shitless and has been clean ever since. He only took a sip of champagne at our wedding. He has always said he just simply doesn't drink and I never thought much of it

We have spoken about this "properly" around twice before I shut down for 3 weeks and when I tried to speak about it he calmly said he doesn't like talking about it because it is in the past. He said he's told me all I need to know and he's like it to stay in the past and not infect his new life. He said he supports my feelings but he doesn't want to sit with me and go through every gorey detail of his addiction. He said addicts do disgusting things and it's impractical to dwell.

He said not to tell anyone and that he didn't tell me because he was never charged, most importantly innocent, and yes things got insane but for the most of it he was a 22 year old dickhead.

I got a lot of advice on the other thread but I'm feeling alone, like i married a stranger. He's giving hugs and kisses and saying he understands my shock but does he really? I've started to really really think....Why is my usually supportive husband shutting me down? He's doing it politely, but doing it never the less.

I believe him as I've done research about drug abuse and things can get mad. But I just don't like the way he is handling this. He seems detached from what happened. He spoke about it really calmly. Didn't cry or shudder or look in pain once. I find this weird but many people on the other thread said they have had murky pasts and don't let it haunt them anymore either. I've heard SO many opinions and all of them make sense and have standing. Every last one. I'm so confused. I go from wanting to hold him and forget about this to wanting a divorce every other hour.

One action does not equal the total sum of an individual.

I do not support his lifestyle that he lived 12 years ago.

The guy has turned his life around in a massive, massive way. I've got absolute respect for him.

Surely anyone would???

If you don't want to stay with him that is your choice to make but no one can take away the remarkable turnaround he made.

Having only a sip of champagne on his own wedding day indicates that this man knows how lucky he is and I suspect he has punished himself a thousand times over for his actions and taken a form of internal responsibility for what happened to his ex.

He is not a stranger now but he was 12 years ago.........

Mamaka. There are lots of details on the other thread. Commenting on this situation before reading the other thread is really not wise, as I said early on, there's a lot more to this than the bare bones of the OP summary on this thread.

I didn't ask you to answer those questions 💐

My point is that IMO you marry the whole person and only being told about the parts of them they want to tell you about is lying by omission. I get that you think differently, that's your decision, but I'm not changing my opinion anytime soon. If someone omitted to tell me major things like this about themselves before we got married, we'd be divorced very quickly once I found out. Your past does not belong solely to you - especially when it involves violence against other people, rape accusations and a dead girlfriend - it is my right to know about the person I am going to spend my life with, to trust, to love. He met her 18 months after running back to the UK & resuming his old life - he'd have no idea if he could stay clean, sober & safe that early on.

I know you've turned your life around and I'm really pleased that your life now is a million miles away from what it was then, but it's not a new life, it's the same life and I believe that it's not right not to have shared that with your DH before you got married. But your life & your decision 💐

Hi again
My view hasn't changed since your first thread....leave him. No other way.

Our past goes into making us who we are.

For some of us, overcoming some really bad shit is a fairly fundamental part of keeping us focussed on the important things in life, and to a certain extent keeping us on the straight and narrow.

Perhaps some people are naturally born perfect, but most of us are not, and it is the way we develop and confront our fuckups that makes us the person we eventually become.

It is normal to become detached. When something is very painful, you need to process it and separate from it so that it doesn't hurt you any more. Someone I know did something which resulted in a sibling dying when she was a toddler. She talks about it with complete detachment now, frankly more so than if it had happened to someone else. It is a way of coping.

The question you have to ask yourself is do you like the person he has become? If the answer is yes, then perhaps you can accept that shit as being something that went into making him who he is now. And accept his detachment as a necessary part of his coping mechanism.

QuiteLikely. Just curious, did you read the OP's first thread? I just don't understand how anyone, after reading the other thread, could say 'one action'.

I don't think he massively 'turned his life around' either. He got on a plane and left it all behind him, never to be spoken of again. He left the grieving parents of his dead girlfriend with no one to get any answers from, the dead girlfriend that had accused him of raping her, the one that he'd previously beaten to a pulp, the many, many other victims of their crimes together that the OP cannot even bear to disclose they're so awful, no attempt to restore any wrongs there. He just escaped. He said he realised he had never loved her, basically shrugged. He did nothing other than run away from it all, back to his comfy life in the UK & pretended it never happened.

Nov do not have absolute respect for someone who no longer assaults others.

Absolute respect for men who only beat up one partner (so far).

We really need to do away with those DV disclosure laws.

Sure none of uscare perfect. We all have a right to some youthful girlfriend beating before we go on the straught and narrow.

At least he got that side of him out on a worthless junkie.

This is reminding me of Cheryl Cole. The lovely, beautiful and only slightly violent ex girl band member.

I would have absolute respect for a person who had actually turned their life around in a massive way I.e. Who had recognised what they had done was wrong, who had been rehabilitated following their drug addiction, who had deep regret over the violence towards his former girlfriend.

He did none of those things. You can turn away from a life of drugs, never do another line of Coke or never touch a drop of alcohol and put it behind you on your own. But the rest, the violence, the pimping out of women, the prostitution, the beating up of a partner, you can't turn away from that on your own, because there are others in the equation. Victims of the person you were then. You can't just walk away from all that and declare that you've turned your life around unless you've made amends to the people you hurt.

He declared that he felt nothing for this woman. No doubt her death was convenient to him even if it might have been traumatic. but let's be honest here, he eat the woman to a pulp because she wouldn't buy him drugs. He pimped her out to feed his drug habit, he admitted to the OP that he felt nothing when she died. You don't just get to decide that those things should go away because you don't want to face up to them any more and because they're in the past.

I don't know if this helps, but I was sort of at the other end of something like this.

Aged 18, went away to travel. Ended up living in a squat in a foreign country, with a boyfriend who seemed charming and alternative and different. Also took heroin, had massive MH problems and was hugely abusive. We lived off a mixture of occasional begging, some busking, and on his part, petty crime. I never would go down that route, but I drank stolen booze, I smoked stolen cigarettes, I wore stolen jewelry. So I probably should take responsibility. My MH (undiagnosed bipolar) was horrific. I think about half my time there was a single long manic episode. I won't go into the details as I don't like to.

It ended with him choking me unconscious. When I came round, he burst into tears and had sex with me. I lay there, entirely unresponsive. I think I realized then that I'd die if I stayed with him. He wouldn't mean to kill me. He'd probably kill himself afterwards. But I had to leave. Unfortunately, I found out I was pregnant.

In my case, I had an abortion. I then pulled out my emergency credit card on my dad's account, called my dad and asked if he could pick me up at Heathrow. I fled. I didn't really say goodbye to anyone. I ran away, went home and started my life again. Last I heard (a few years later, through oblique means) my ex was in hospital after a suicide attempt and in a very bad way. He had been sleeping rough, in and out of hospitals and shelters.

I pretty much never talk about this time in my life. The overwhelming majority of my friends know nothing. My OH does, but other people, very close people, don't, and certainly when I told my OH I didn't cry, didn't emote, didn't give details. I don't think I could. If I started crying, I'd never stop. And we don't discuss it. He was told. Now I don't talk about it any more. If he'd demanded a lot of details, I'd have left him and probably refused to tell the next boyfriend or girlfriend entirely. I think sometimes the only way to survive something horrific is to never let yourself feel. There are doors you don't want to open.

I think the OP is entitled to leave her husband if she can't handle the stuff he's got in his past. No one has to be with anyone they don't want. But I don't think the lack of emotion necessarily means much than that he needed a coping mechanism and I can understand why the only way he felt he could start again was to do that.

It's his past. I'm sure it's been a terrible shock to you, but he seems a changed man.

You need to let it go.

WTF is this a joke (or troll) those saying this is kind of OK. No it's not OK get the F out now! Now! You can do a lot better there are many normal men out there without things like this in their past.

His past involves such nasty stuff I don't think it would be wise for him to rehash it all with you, who really can't handle it. Having completely turned himself around and stayed clean and sober for 10 years, he probably thinks he is handling his recovery well. You seem to be upset that he is not a train wreck.

His behaviour with you for 10 years has been fine, you had no suspicion he could have had that past. It is your feelings that need to be resolved, not his behaviour. Talk it through with a counsellor on your own.

I think sometimes the only way to survive something horrific is to never let yourself feel.

OK, that makes sense if you were the victim of the horrific thing.

Not if you were the perpetrator of the horrific thing.

Asking someone to talk aboyt being raped or strangled or beaten is not at all the same as exoecting someone to be honest about the rapes or stranglings or beatings they've done.

We are talking about a violent criminal here, who just walked away from his crimes.

Is that the deal now? It's fine to beat trashy, worthless women in your twenties as long as you don't do it to any nice English gels when yiu come home.

Didn't mummymalta say on the other thread that her husband did not pimp the gf? I don't really like being told to rtft (which I have done) when it seems that people have made up their minds about what did happen and are no longer listening to the OP.
Tabsicle I understand what you're saying about not telling people and not showing any emotion when you did tell your OH. I've been there too.
Mummymalta people were calling your husband a psychopath etc for being able to hide all this. Only you will know if that is anywhere close to the truth. If he is a privileged entitled rich kid, did you already have an idea of that in other aspects of life? When you look at him now, what do you see?

Hope you are feeling ok

Personally, I would feel duped; this is serious shit, and he has lied by omission.
Obviously had you known this at the beginning of your relationship you could have made an informed decision to carry on or not.

This isn't just about him, you have to live with this shadow hanging over you too now, and he should have the courtesy and respect for you to understand YOUR feelings. He therefore needs to tell you everything. If he doesn't, you will always feel like you are living with a stranger.

Mamaka - here you go (mm = mummymalta):

07.59 mm: 'I'm talking prostitiution, beating, rape accusations'

08.40 mm: 'He pimped, stole, lied, cheated, got accused of rape, beat the shit out of her etc…'

09.22 NoMudNoLotus: 'I guessed quite early on in your thread he'd pimped her out,' and the posts following. Mm doesn't specifically reply to the 'pimping', but corroborates the post generally at 09.25 mm: 'I imagined that poor girl being held down and injected too. Very strange you mentioned that too. He would buy her drugs.'

09.47 mm: 'He beat her. Let her prostitute herself and used the money for coke.'

DoinItFine - I think I was more posting in response to the people who felt that there was something wrong with him for being emotionally numb or not wanting to share details. I don't think that alone is a sign of anything other than trauma.

Simonetta - she also says later on that the speculation got very out of hand and that she shouldn't have said he pimped her because he didn't.

While everyone seems to be enjoying turning this into a horror show mummymalta is living this. She asked for opinions and got them. There have been many people advising her to do what she feels she needs to do which I'm sure we all agree on. There isn't much benefit in trying to make this worse in her head (imagining the absolute worst) but she has said that people's stories of "murky pasts" have helped her.

Mummymalta sorry for derailing.

I think you need time alone to think it through and then you need some time with just him where he answers your questions about it.

If he's not prepared to give you that, if it were me, I don't think I could stay. It's possible the answers he gives might mean you don't feel able to stay either.

I also think you should consider counselling for yourself and, if you do decide to stay, couples counselling might be worth thinking about.

I think you should also be clear about why you can't just go back and get over it, as if nothing happened. Is it the deeds in the past themselves? Or the fact he never told you, which has shaken your trust (what other secrets might there be?) Or that he doesn't seem to feel any remorse about what he did and what happened to his girlfriend? It might not be clear in your head, either, but I am not sure what he thinks you're having a problem with it all is why you are, and he can't just make things better.

I'm not sure that posting here will give you what you need, but if it's helping you, then that's fine.

QuiteLikely5 i struggle with that notion and if we are all who we were but we learn how to conceal / live with it. Are somethings unforgivable? How dare I watch to news and call other people animals who should be locked up for life but forgive my husband because it's happening on my doorstep now?

EBearhug I'm torn between respecting his right to move forward and my right to have answers.
Many people on this thread have said they have disgusting pasts and are great people now and wouldn't appreciate having to dig it up again. Many have even said that their partners don't even know and they have no intention of telling them. Thats why I'm so fucked up.

Tabsicle thank you for sharing

Mumoftwoyoungkids But where do I draw the line? Isn't it possible to be a violent person - then not to be? Is there no redemption in life? When I was 22 I had an affair with my ex boyfriend and his current "girlfriend" found out. It was wrong and I would never ever ever ever ever EVER do something that stupid ever again nor would I ever disrespect another persons relationship like that again. I'd never cheat on DH.....but at 22 I did something shameful. Does that mean DH should leave me because I'm an adulterous whore?. She wasn't his proper girlfriend but she liked him and they had agreed to not sleep with other people. It was a horrid thing to do.
Can't people genuinely change - no matter how vile the crime?