I started a thread about this last week
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/2649252-DH-has-hidden-some-heavy-stuff-AIBU-to-want-to-separate
And got a lot of advice but since Friday have seriously been so ill and sick full of nerves. I think what has happened has just hit me. Really hit me.
Went to a party without DH, an old "friend" of DH was there (hasn't seen in 12 years), he let slip that DH liked a lot bit of coke back in the day whilst drunk. I didn't know this so casually questioned DH when I got home. DH said only a couple of times but even though thus guy was drunk he didn't seem to mean a couple of times. Prodded a little and DH exposed a past of drugs and epic disaster when he was in a foreign country in early 20's doing a grad scheme.
The main horrific facts are:
Started as fun, coke got bad after meeting a girl who introduced him to harder stuff (crack mainly)
Horrid relationship together - the worst of it was him beating her during a drug fuelled argument (he admits this, said he blacked out but takes responsibility)
One morning after a crack binge she wanted more, he said no and she started screaming that he raped her (which he maintains he didn't and was never charged but spent two nights in jail)
She started selling herself and he would do drugs with her still after he found out
He finds her dead after they split up and her family goes nuts and accuses him of having a hand in it and he was interrogated by the police intensely. (not charged with anything and didn't have anything to do with it)
There was lying, stealing, manipulation involved as well but the above is the worst of it.
After she died he ran home scared shitless and has been clean ever since. He only took a sip of champagne at our wedding. He has always said he just simply doesn't drink and I never thought much of it
We have spoken about this "properly" around twice before I shut down for 3 weeks and when I tried to speak about it he calmly said he doesn't like talking about it because it is in the past. He said he's told me all I need to know and he's like it to stay in the past and not infect his new life. He said he supports my feelings but he doesn't want to sit with me and go through every gorey detail of his addiction. He said addicts do disgusting things and it's impractical to dwell.
He said not to tell anyone and that he didn't tell me because he was never charged, most importantly innocent, and yes things got insane but for the most of it he was a 22 year old dickhead.
I got a lot of advice on the other thread but I'm feeling alone, like i married a stranger. He's giving hugs and kisses and saying he understands my shock but does he really? I've started to really really think....Why is my usually supportive husband shutting me down? He's doing it politely, but doing it never the less.
I believe him as I've done research about drug abuse and things can get mad. But I just don't like the way he is handling this. He seems detached from what happened. He spoke about it really calmly. Didn't cry or shudder or look in pain once. I find this weird but many people on the other thread said they have had murky pasts and don't let it haunt them anymore either. I've heard SO many opinions and all of them make sense and have standing. Every last one. I'm so confused. I go from wanting to hold him and forget about this to wanting a divorce every other hour.
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Relationships
Married a stranger and going insane. (literally)
mummymalta · 07/06/2016 06:26
Hi guys we both went to a counsellor and it was shit. Counsellor told me to accept sometimes in life people have barriers and this may be one - Am I happy with it? Can I live with it?
I knew it. 70 quid for something MN 
has been telling me
I have the worst dialema and it's straining us. He said he will wait for me to come to terms but I sense a sort of growing resentment from him.
Oh no - you shouldn't have gone together (not to try and kick you when you're down or anything but that's never advisable at this point)
Counsellor sounds a bit shite really. Step 1 shouldn't be "can you deal with this?" it should be "why are you feeling like this".
And wilting, that's not very helpful. The op has every right to feel the way she does and neither her DH nor you should be minimising it. That's not how you work through stuff in life.
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