Married a stranger and going insane. (literally)

[mummymalta]

I started a thread about this last week

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/2649252-DH-has-hidden-some-heavy-stuff-AIBU-to-want-to-separate

And got a lot of advice but since Friday have seriously been so ill and sick full of nerves. I think what has happened has just hit me. Really hit me.

Went to a party without DH, an old "friend" of DH was there (hasn't seen in 12 years), he let slip that DH liked a lot bit of coke back in the day whilst drunk. I didn't know this so casually questioned DH when I got home. DH said only a couple of times but even though thus guy was drunk he didn't seem to mean a couple of times. Prodded a little and DH exposed a past of drugs and epic disaster when he was in a foreign country in early 20's doing a grad scheme.

The main horrific facts are:

Started as fun, coke got bad after meeting a girl who introduced him to harder stuff (crack mainly)

Horrid relationship together - the worst of it was him beating her during a drug fuelled argument (he admits this, said he blacked out but takes responsibility)

One morning after a crack binge she wanted more, he said no and she started screaming that he raped her (which he maintains he didn't and was never charged but spent two nights in jail)

She started selling herself and he would do drugs with her still after he found out

He finds her dead after they split up and her family goes nuts and accuses him of having a hand in it and he was interrogated by the police intensely. (not charged with anything and didn't have anything to do with it)

There was lying, stealing, manipulation involved as well but the above is the worst of it.

After she died he ran home scared shitless and has been clean ever since. He only took a sip of champagne at our wedding. He has always said he just simply doesn't drink and I never thought much of it

We have spoken about this "properly" around twice before I shut down for 3 weeks and when I tried to speak about it he calmly said he doesn't like talking about it because it is in the past. He said he's told me all I need to know and he's like it to stay in the past and not infect his new life. He said he supports my feelings but he doesn't want to sit with me and go through every gorey detail of his addiction. He said addicts do disgusting things and it's impractical to dwell.

He said not to tell anyone and that he didn't tell me because he was never charged, most importantly innocent, and yes things got insane but for the most of it he was a 22 year old dickhead.

I got a lot of advice on the other thread but I'm feeling alone, like i married a stranger. He's giving hugs and kisses and saying he understands my shock but does he really? I've started to really really think....Why is my usually supportive husband shutting me down? He's doing it politely, but doing it never the less.

I believe him as I've done research about drug abuse and things can get mad. But I just don't like the way he is handling this. He seems detached from what happened. He spoke about it really calmly. Didn't cry or shudder or look in pain once. I find this weird but many people on the other thread said they have had murky pasts and don't let it haunt them anymore either. I've heard SO many opinions and all of them make sense and have standing. Every last one. I'm so confused. I go from wanting to hold him and forget about this to wanting a divorce every other hour.

So many typos

No I don't think it's her story to share.

As for their being a difference between abuse where the abuser gradually erodes his victim's self esteem, isolates her from her friends, etc etc, and someone who snaps and beats up his partner in a one-off fit of rage, damn right there's a difference. The first is ever so subtle, but if you recognise the signs to look out for you might just see them and get away before it's too late. The latter is the most dangerous, because no-one sees it coming.

If the man had beaten up someone in a bar for not giving him crack being on drugs wouldn't be seen as mitigating circumstances because "unless you've been there you can't understand,". If the girlfriend had decided to press charges his drugged state wouldn't be taken as mitigating circumstances.

If a drunk driver gets into a car and kills someone do we say "well, he was an alcoholic, you cannot possibly understand until you've been there.".

The point here is that the OP wasn't given a choice as to whether she wanted to be in a relationship with someone whose recent past included beating his girlfriend to a pulp because she wouldn't give him drugs. He could not possibly have known whether he was a changed individual after just eighteen months, and he gambled with the OP's trust and then took away her right to decide for herself whether she wanted to be with someone like him.

If someone posted here that they'd met someone recently who was just eighteen months clean from a Coke habit, and that they' doc fessed to beating up their partner in a drug-fuelled rage, would people be saying she was the one in the wrong for judging? Really?

Because if there really are so many people on here who think that a one off beating is ok and that anyone who doesn't think so is unreasonable, perhaps we need to revisit the statements at the top of this page, and take away the links for people to get help, because they're the ones in the wrong after all....

Well we obviously differ in opinion there then.
I see it as my story to tell if MY husband isn't the person I thought he was, as it affects MY life.
Situations do NOT exist in a vacuum, and the effects of a person actions can ripple

He's not some sort of mystery novel that you read through to get a solution and explanation.

YOU don't get to dissect the ins and outs of it. He's given you enough details, wanting him to go through the gory details would just be a way of torturing him.

I am increasingly amazed at the lack of insight from posters and the way they're attacking the op for daring to worry or wonder about her DH's violent past.

I too am almost feeling sickened by it all - it's almost unbelievable.

For me I could get past the drug stuff but the beating the shit out of the girlfriend/pimping her out - no.

"No I don't think it's her story to share." yes it is. It's her story of how she met a man, got together with him, had a child with him, built a ten year relationship and then found out how he had a history of violence, pimping out prostitutes and drug abuse which he had never seen fit to mention.

It's her story of how she discovered the man she married was none of the things she thought he was.

When you beat up your partner you lose the right to be able to put that in the past and never speak of it again. Especially as the partner's right to do that no longer exists since she is dead and cannot tell her side of the story.

I agree with other posters a drug fuelled past could be forgiven. A past that includes severe violence towards a partner, prostitution and accusations of rape is another matter.

If the girl who died was not an addict who would be absolving his violence towards her? It feels as if his awful domestic abuse doesn't matter because it was towards someone "unsavoury" anyway. Had this man abused a partner in the uk in this way, without the drugs being involved who would suggest the op should stay?
Op I'm sorry but I think you are probably right in your summary that you have married a stranger. Clean now or not you know this man was/ is capable of awful things. I don't know how you would get past it.

Your story reminds me very much of my friends cousin's past life. He is apparently a reformed character having been a criminal since the age of 16 and is now approaching fifty and takes great delight in claiming he is still the same person but no longer does the things he used to. He has recently fathered another child and has a beautiful young wife. I often wonder if she knows the type of man she has married and how he would explain his lifestyle choices.Or whether she is even bothered by his past.

Over the years he has been in prison for drug dealing, football hooligism, fire arms offences, battery, money laundering, lots of very serious crimes ONly five years ago he was jailed for beating his then Girlfriend to a pulp, of course he was innocent and it was all a set up.Yet life continues to be kind to him, he spends his time in the gymn, drives a flash car even though he does not have a job and volunteers in Youth Offending Centres, which I find laughable.

No help to you Op, but he just sprung to my mind.

I am increasingly amazed at the lack of insight from posters and the way they're attacking the op for daring to worry or wonder about her DH's violent past. No one is. Many pp are trying to help OP without making her life into even more of a soap opera. Just because some are avoiding being more invasive and trying to help her see that, whatever he has/has not done, her focus should be on herself, not him, doesn't mean she is being 'attacked'. Joining in to further demonise him is possibly not all that helpful.

I too am almost feeling sickened by it all - it's almost unbelievable. That would be because it isn't happening.

People gave you advice and on the whole I agree with it, it was in his past, he is a different person etc, etc.

However, at the end of the day if you can't move on and get over this them that's how you feel. Everyone is different and although people on here can give their opinions no one can make you feel a certain way or even know exactly how they'd feel unless in that position.

You have to do what you feel is best for you. Perhaps if you don't want to walk away, counselling? If you prefer to walk away then do it. It's your life and you feel how you feel. I understand why he didn't tell you as I imagine he probably felt worried people would be apprehensive about getting with an ex addict..he also clearly feels ashamed and embarrassed. We do make mistakes in our early twenties but the decision is yours.

I suspect you and I differ so fundamentally in our approach to this that we'll never reach agreement OurBlanche ...

But in response to your comments, I'm not trying to make a drama of anything.

It is inherently a dramatic situation involving someone who did a lot of shitty stuff, hid it and refuses to discuss with his lifelong partner because it inconveniences him for her to know it.

I'm pissed off on behalf of the woman he beat up and misused, and I'm pissed off at people minimising what the op is experiencing and telling her she's just being hysterical.

What would you call these kinds of statements?

"I think you're massively overreacting, op."

"not really your business."

"Actually I think you should leave him. For HIS sake."

"No that's controlling ffs. It's his past and he doesn't want the whole world to know and judge."

"I can't actually believe you're making such a ridiculous fuss over something that happened before he had even met you. "

It's genuinely surprising to see people listen to a list of things this bloke has done, and then turned around actual blame (might not be right word?) onto the woman for responding to it somehow.

It is, in its full sense, of the meaning, sickening.

(Probably should have emphasised again as I said in my very first post - only counselling IRL can probably help at this juncture.

But the idea that the op should just shrug and say "oh well, it's a bit like that time I made a drunken mistake, we all do it and I have no right to react", is horrible.)

I'm so confused where did the OP say he beat her to a pulp and whored her out????

TBH I think I would judge him for who he has been over the past 10 years rather than the person he was 12 years ago.
If you can't get past his past OP then you need to move on.

I want to know where the 'he is allowed to have a past' crowd draw the line?
What if he had been the gf twice rather than once? Three times? Weekly? Daily?
When would the OP be allowed to be bothered by it?
What would he have had to have done in the past for OP to be allowed to feel deceived that he hadn't told her?
Or do we not have a right to know anything about people we meet?
Should we never expect any honesty from our partners? Any and everything they did before the second we meet them is none of our business? Even if it would massively alter our perception of them?
Where do people draw the line?!?

Okay, I missed the bit where he beat his girlfriend too. That's more than youthful misjudgement.

I apologise OP. I think anyone would find that hard to get past.

Question is, do you want to try?

I'm not trying to make a drama of anything. I don't think I, or anyone said you did.

The comments you quoted are possibly from people who have not read the other thread, or not even this one fully.

I suspect you and I differ so fundamentally in our approach to this I don't think we differ that much, we both seem to think that OP needs to look out for herself first and foremost... we have both recommended counselling, for example.

What her DH did is his burden to bear. OP needs to decide if the man she knows is worth her trouble. She can't demand he gives her a minutely detailed explanation, he alread has told her a lot (as we know from this and the other thread, OP probably knows more). She can only decide if there is anyway she can give him continued space in her life.

After that, whatever he has done, whatever she decides, he has to live with it... forever.

OP still has to make that choice and, this is where we seem to disagree (but maybe not), I don't think focussing on him, reiterating his errors, further demisining him is helpful.

I think it is more helpful to tell OP that whatever she is feeling, whatever she decides to do will be the right choice for her. She may need counselling to really believe this, she may not. But whatever her decison is, she has the right to make it without second thought for how it will affect him.

In the previous thread.

He thinks it's totally fine to buy drugs with yoyr girlfriend's trick money, though.

So he's not sorry about that.

Just the time he beat the shit out of her.

(that odd word was supposed to demonising, sorry)

Also mummymalta, to address the main problem in your OP, rather than the question of whether his actions are justifiable or not, I suspect the reason you are feeling 'insane' is because you have had a huge shock and there is no one to whom you can talk about it.

I think you are perfectly entitled to talk to people about it in RL if you want to, but you may want to think about how you do it as people sometimes react in surprising or unhelpful ways to unexpected revelations. So in the meantime I would definitely see a counsellor - someone who will not be shocked by any of this and who will give you space and support to establish what you feel and what you want to do.

OurBlanche, ah right, I think I used 'drama' instead of 'soap opera' (I tend to think of them the same way) - I am about to run like absolute crazy for my bus but will try to reply more later if it's still relevant by then (otherwise obv won't derail further), totally agree her needs are the important thing here!

Extrahotlatte I'm not going to answer your questions but the answers probably aren't what you think they might be. It isn't as black and white as bad people do bad things. There are multiple factors that can potentially lead a vulnerable person to drug abuse and crime, and likewise those same factors might lead another person to do great things with their life. I've done both, and not in a clear linear path of bad things ----> good things. And yes I consider myself "redeemed" and no I am not going to spend the rest of my life making amends. I've made them already.

I did however miss the fact that he beat up his gf (still can't find the bit about pimping her out). Mummymalta I really do feel for you and understand why you want time apart and support to gain clarity and I would push for that.

Whether I wanted to get over it or not in the end I don't think I would be able to.

I want to be able to have a massive row with my Dh over how to cook spaghetti without worrying he may decide to beat me to a pulp.

I want to be able to experiment sexually with him without worrying that he may not stop if I change my mind.

I want to be able to have unprotected sex with him without wondering about STIs that they can't yet test for.

I would have doubts. Even after 10 years I would. Teeny doubts. But doubts. And those doubts would destroy us.