Married a stranger and going insane. (literally)

[mummymalta]

I started a thread about this last week

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/2649252-DH-has-hidden-some-heavy-stuff-AIBU-to-want-to-separate

And got a lot of advice but since Friday have seriously been so ill and sick full of nerves. I think what has happened has just hit me. Really hit me.

Went to a party without DH, an old "friend" of DH was there (hasn't seen in 12 years), he let slip that DH liked a lot bit of coke back in the day whilst drunk. I didn't know this so casually questioned DH when I got home. DH said only a couple of times but even though thus guy was drunk he didn't seem to mean a couple of times. Prodded a little and DH exposed a past of drugs and epic disaster when he was in a foreign country in early 20's doing a grad scheme.

The main horrific facts are:

Started as fun, coke got bad after meeting a girl who introduced him to harder stuff (crack mainly)

Horrid relationship together - the worst of it was him beating her during a drug fuelled argument (he admits this, said he blacked out but takes responsibility)

One morning after a crack binge she wanted more, he said no and she started screaming that he raped her (which he maintains he didn't and was never charged but spent two nights in jail)

She started selling herself and he would do drugs with her still after he found out

He finds her dead after they split up and her family goes nuts and accuses him of having a hand in it and he was interrogated by the police intensely. (not charged with anything and didn't have anything to do with it)

There was lying, stealing, manipulation involved as well but the above is the worst of it.

After she died he ran home scared shitless and has been clean ever since. He only took a sip of champagne at our wedding. He has always said he just simply doesn't drink and I never thought much of it

We have spoken about this "properly" around twice before I shut down for 3 weeks and when I tried to speak about it he calmly said he doesn't like talking about it because it is in the past. He said he's told me all I need to know and he's like it to stay in the past and not infect his new life. He said he supports my feelings but he doesn't want to sit with me and go through every gorey detail of his addiction. He said addicts do disgusting things and it's impractical to dwell.

He said not to tell anyone and that he didn't tell me because he was never charged, most importantly innocent, and yes things got insane but for the most of it he was a 22 year old dickhead.

I got a lot of advice on the other thread but I'm feeling alone, like i married a stranger. He's giving hugs and kisses and saying he understands my shock but does he really? I've started to really really think....Why is my usually supportive husband shutting me down? He's doing it politely, but doing it never the less.

I believe him as I've done research about drug abuse and things can get mad. But I just don't like the way he is handling this. He seems detached from what happened. He spoke about it really calmly. Didn't cry or shudder or look in pain once. I find this weird but many people on the other thread said they have had murky pasts and don't let it haunt them anymore either. I've heard SO many opinions and all of them make sense and have standing. Every last one. I'm so confused. I go from wanting to hold him and forget about this to wanting a divorce every other hour.

[rumred]

I couldn't trust someone who didn't tell me a major issue from their past. Ignore the hypocrites who say they could. I understand why you're distraught. And talk to a kind friend

[DailyMailGOFuckOff]

How long have you been with him?

I can see why it would take a long time to build up to telling a partner something like that if he really has changed and straightened out

It's no excuse that he didn't come to you himself and you've only found out by this comment being made though

[WeDoNotSow]

Iflyaway I was under the impression that the poster was aware of the onion, and had the story to highlight how stupid it was to talk about how it was traumatic for the husband?
I might be wrong of course...

[NedStarksHead]

I can't actually believe you're making such a ridiculous fuss over something that happened before he had even met you.

He has a new life, he doesn't want anything to do with his old life including reliving it, he had no obligation to tell you about his past unless you specifically asked him to divulge every single detail of his past.

You're being ridiculously unreasonable.

[DoinItFine]

The Onion article is taking the piss out of people who think the important about white committing crimes is how quickly and heroically they can "put it all behind them"

😂😂😂

Why would I post it if I thought it was serious?

[DailyMailGOFuckOff]

I don't think it's a rediculous fuss, I discovered a friend of mine had a drug past and it changed how I saw her. It shouldn't have, it was my problem and I had to get my head round it and move past it as I just never expected what she admitted to. That was simply a friend. It was a shock. I think a partner the shock would be far greater and far more justifiable but it knocks you when you discover people are capable of getting involved in things you didn't ever see them being involved with

[WannaBe]

I can only assume the posters who are attacking the OP and minimising the past of her DH have themselves either had a drug or violence-based past which they would rather be minimised, and that their involvement with drugs has somehow clouded their view on violence.

I cannot believe that anyone on a site which is largely frequented by women, many of whom will have been victims of domestic violence actually believes that someone is being unreasonable for being upset at the revelation that their partner previously beat up a partner. Or that beating up a partner is somehow just part of a past which someone should be permitted to put behind them and is no-one's business but theirs.

[BoboChic]

I would be shocked in the OP's position and not like the revelation about my partner's ill-gotten past. But I would be rather glad he'd overcome it and chosen a better path. We all make mistakes but we don't all learn from them!

[ExtraHotLatteToGo]

There are definitely a lot of apologists on this thread & it is sickening.

Mamaka. I appreciate you have a colourful past & feel you are a different person now, but are you sorry for what happened? Did you beat someone you were in a relationship with to a pulp? Did you find them dead & just realise they didn't mean much to you anyway? Did you just hop on the next flight back to your comfy lifestyle leaving victims of your violence & criminal activity behind? The parents of your dead girlfriend? Do you regularly lie to your DH about why you don't drink? About all kinds of things that come up in conversation?

To state that we are reacting out of FEAR not understanding' is ridiculous when you haven't even read the other thread, and it's minimising his and your decisions & actions. It's insulting.

[Somerville]

Here, here, WannaBe

And everyone spouting this old life/new life bollocks needs to RTFT and see that that this poor girl in America had only been dead for 18 months when her abusive boyfriend got together with the OP.

[ExtraHotLatteToGo]

NedStarkHead

Yeah you're right. It's ridiculous to make such a fuss. It's perfectly fine to find yourself married to a man who beat his ex to a pulp, pimped her out, coluded with her to to do unspeakable things to others to get money for drugs, to have been accused of raping her, to not give a shit when he found her dead. Not to have ever mentioned it. Totally unreasonable of the OP to make 'a fuss' about that.


Fucking hell.

[Somerville]

Here, here?
Sorry, didn't get much sleep last night.

Hear, hear!

[Hidingtonothing]

I think in this case other people's opinions are going to confuse you more rather than help you. It's apparent from this thread that some think it's a big deal that he never told you and some think that was absolutely his right. What you have to do is work out whether you can accept it and move on or whether knowing has changed your feelings for and perception of him forever, no one can decide that for you and what others would do in your situation is largely irrelevant. Exploring your feelings here or in counselling might help you work this out but I don't think hearing how others would feel or react is going to do anything other than make you swing from one opinion to the other and back again over and over. No one can tell you how you should feel, there is no right or wrong here and you need to give yourself space to figure out how you go forward, whether that's with or without him. Maybe counselling would be a better way to do that, having a quiet place to bounce your thoughts and feelings around without anyone else's opinion clouding the issue might be just what you need. I do understand the need to hear what other people would do in this situation but just feel a bit worried that actually that's confusing you more than helping in this instance because, ultimately, it's only your opinion that really matters.

[WeDoNotSow]

why does a persons right to a new start trump another persons right to make an informed decision??

And good for all the people who can just put in the past someone beating up his ex.
It must be so reassuring to know he would never do that to you. Never.
After all, you're not a scummy druggy prozzie, are you?

[ExtraHotLatteToGo]

My blood pressure is grateful it needs to be taken to work now. Carry on WannaBe, see if you can make any of the apologists see sense.

[BrandNewAndImproved]

I think there's a difference between being an abuser, starting slowly with mind shit to get someone under your control and losing your rag in a drug craving rage once. If you've never smoked crack to know what the feeling of needing more is then you wouldn't understand.

Someone who uses their power and strength to keep a person under their control, isolates them, takes their money, uses their dc to keep them their ect ect isn't the same as a reformed addict who once beat up his girlfriend.

Where is the pimping bit from pps coming from? Also he isn't a convicted rapist or even to the point the police wanted to take it further there isn't a need to hang him for crimes he hasn't committed. In hard drug circles the girls work for money for crack like that and the men tend to shoplift, burgle houses and sheds and scam people. It isn't unusual when you're a drug addict to have a drug addict prostitute gf.

The only thing that makes me think hang on a minutes that the op only knew him 18months after. That's not enough time to have the past firmly in the last but otoh he obviously doesn't want that lifestyle anymore and has taken steps to change it. Either you can let it go and move on or you can't op.

[WeDoNotSow]

BrandNew OPs husband has told her she isn't allowed to tell anyone in RL about this... Sounds pretty controlling to me?

[maggiethemagpie]

Leave him if you feel that's the best option but I can't think of a more apt description of 'throwing the baby out with the bathwater' than this.

[BrandNewAndImproved]

No that's controlling ffs. It's his past and he doesn't want the whole world to know and judge. I'd hate my pils (if I had any) to know any grim details about my past.

[BrandNewAndImproved]

That's not controlling**

[maggiethemagpie]

Actually I think you should leave him. For HIS sake. He deserves to be with someone who judges him on who he is now, not who he was a long time before he met you, as it sounds like he has worked hard to change and improve himself and now you are throwing all that back in his face.

[ExtraHotLatteToGo]

💐Hidingtonothing. I hope the OP reads your post. That really is all there is to it.


But it infuriates me beyond belief when people are telling the OP she's over reacting and it's 'all the past' & his business not hers. Such a crock of crap. He IS his past, some people turn their lives around & that's great, but it is still part of who you are and it's too big to hide, far too big. The OP deserved to know the truth about who she was marrying.

[WannaBe]

He hasn't worked hard to change who he was though. He walked away from his life of violence, got on a plane back to the UK and met the OP eighteen months later. Told her none of the above, and now she knows he wants it to all just be swept under the carpet and for her to not tell a soul.

As for the rape allegation, well in truth nobody will ever know will they, because his alleged victim is dead.

[Somerville]

maggiethemagpie It wasn't a long time before she met him!! Only 18 months!

And I think (could be wrong here) that one of her questions is whether he worked hard to change, and what that entailed. But he refuses to speak to her about it. Or to let her speak to anyone else!

[WeDoNotSow]

Asking someone not to share your past is fine.
Telling them they're not allowed to is controlling...
Why is his need to keep his past on the past more important than her news to have RL support in This scenario? You don't think OP should be entitled to RL support about finding out her his and isn't the person she thought he was unless her husband says so?