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Married a stranger and going insane. (literally)

211 replies

mummymalta · 07/06/2016 06:26

I started a thread about this last week

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/2649252-DH-has-hidden-some-heavy-stuff-AIBU-to-want-to-separate

And got a lot of advice but since Friday have seriously been so ill and sick full of nerves. I think what has happened has just hit me. Really hit me.

Went to a party without DH, an old "friend" of DH was there (hasn't seen in 12 years), he let slip that DH liked a lot bit of coke back in the day whilst drunk. I didn't know this so casually questioned DH when I got home. DH said only a couple of times but even though thus guy was drunk he didn't seem to mean a couple of times. Prodded a little and DH exposed a past of drugs and epic disaster when he was in a foreign country in early 20's doing a grad scheme.

The main horrific facts are:

Started as fun, coke got bad after meeting a girl who introduced him to harder stuff (crack mainly)

Horrid relationship together - the worst of it was him beating her during a drug fuelled argument (he admits this, said he blacked out but takes responsibility)

One morning after a crack binge she wanted more, he said no and she started screaming that he raped her (which he maintains he didn't and was never charged but spent two nights in jail)

She started selling herself and he would do drugs with her still after he found out

He finds her dead after they split up and her family goes nuts and accuses him of having a hand in it and he was interrogated by the police intensely. (not charged with anything and didn't have anything to do with it)

There was lying, stealing, manipulation involved as well but the above is the worst of it.

After she died he ran home scared shitless and has been clean ever since. He only took a sip of champagne at our wedding. He has always said he just simply doesn't drink and I never thought much of it

We have spoken about this "properly" around twice before I shut down for 3 weeks and when I tried to speak about it he calmly said he doesn't like talking about it because it is in the past. He said he's told me all I need to know and he's like it to stay in the past and not infect his new life. He said he supports my feelings but he doesn't want to sit with me and go through every gorey detail of his addiction. He said addicts do disgusting things and it's impractical to dwell.

He said not to tell anyone and that he didn't tell me because he was never charged, most importantly innocent, and yes things got insane but for the most of it he was a 22 year old dickhead.

I got a lot of advice on the other thread but I'm feeling alone, like i married a stranger. He's giving hugs and kisses and saying he understands my shock but does he really? I've started to really really think....Why is my usually supportive husband shutting me down? He's doing it politely, but doing it never the less.

I believe him as I've done research about drug abuse and things can get mad. But I just don't like the way he is handling this. He seems detached from what happened. He spoke about it really calmly. Didn't cry or shudder or look in pain once. I find this weird but many people on the other thread said they have had murky pasts and don't let it haunt them anymore either. I've heard SO many opinions and all of them make sense and have standing. Every last one. I'm so confused. I go from wanting to hold him and forget about this to wanting a divorce every other hour.

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shovetheholly · 07/06/2016 09:49

I think the thing that is troubling here is that contrition is not a one-time event. It's something that has to be lived forever, a burden that doesn't just go away. That's sort of what redemption is - and it comes contextually, with a sense of the reasons for the actions in the first place. I'm not saying that the husband in question here should be going around the world in sackcloth and ashes carrying an unbearable burden - just that when confronted about the past, some appropriate emotional response is required. It doesn't sound like the OP feels that this is there.

However, this does not negate the fact that he has been a good partner and father to her, which means he clearly has made huge efforts to clean up his life and start afresh. The energy that takes is phenomenal, especially when the reason for the addiction in the first place is something that most people would struggle to bear. If there is something in his past that has led him down this path, then that needs to be dealt with too as part of this process - and often, that's the hardest part.

I do think that coming to terms with guilt and victimhood (and the two often go together) - that being redeemed, if you want to put it that way - is a very, very long term process. It may be a life's work, really. And that's for all of us for the small as well as the big - writing something nasty, unforgiving and horrible on an internet forum might be a small act, but it still inflicts a quantum of misery on the world.