Married a stranger and going insane. (literally)

[mummymalta]

I started a thread about this last week

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/2649252-DH-has-hidden-some-heavy-stuff-AIBU-to-want-to-separate

And got a lot of advice but since Friday have seriously been so ill and sick full of nerves. I think what has happened has just hit me. Really hit me.

Went to a party without DH, an old "friend" of DH was there (hasn't seen in 12 years), he let slip that DH liked a lot bit of coke back in the day whilst drunk. I didn't know this so casually questioned DH when I got home. DH said only a couple of times but even though thus guy was drunk he didn't seem to mean a couple of times. Prodded a little and DH exposed a past of drugs and epic disaster when he was in a foreign country in early 20's doing a grad scheme.

The main horrific facts are:

Started as fun, coke got bad after meeting a girl who introduced him to harder stuff (crack mainly)

Horrid relationship together - the worst of it was him beating her during a drug fuelled argument (he admits this, said he blacked out but takes responsibility)

One morning after a crack binge she wanted more, he said no and she started screaming that he raped her (which he maintains he didn't and was never charged but spent two nights in jail)

She started selling herself and he would do drugs with her still after he found out

He finds her dead after they split up and her family goes nuts and accuses him of having a hand in it and he was interrogated by the police intensely. (not charged with anything and didn't have anything to do with it)

There was lying, stealing, manipulation involved as well but the above is the worst of it.

After she died he ran home scared shitless and has been clean ever since. He only took a sip of champagne at our wedding. He has always said he just simply doesn't drink and I never thought much of it

We have spoken about this "properly" around twice before I shut down for 3 weeks and when I tried to speak about it he calmly said he doesn't like talking about it because it is in the past. He said he's told me all I need to know and he's like it to stay in the past and not infect his new life. He said he supports my feelings but he doesn't want to sit with me and go through every gorey detail of his addiction. He said addicts do disgusting things and it's impractical to dwell.

He said not to tell anyone and that he didn't tell me because he was never charged, most importantly innocent, and yes things got insane but for the most of it he was a 22 year old dickhead.

I got a lot of advice on the other thread but I'm feeling alone, like i married a stranger. He's giving hugs and kisses and saying he understands my shock but does he really? I've started to really really think....Why is my usually supportive husband shutting me down? He's doing it politely, but doing it never the less.

I believe him as I've done research about drug abuse and things can get mad. But I just don't like the way he is handling this. He seems detached from what happened. He spoke about it really calmly. Didn't cry or shudder or look in pain once. I find this weird but many people on the other thread said they have had murky pasts and don't let it haunt them anymore either. I've heard SO many opinions and all of them make sense and have standing. Every last one. I'm so confused. I go from wanting to hold him and forget about this to wanting a divorce every other hour.

[juneau]

One more thought - maybe he didn't tell you because he knew how you'd react? Or maybe other relationships had broken down as a result of him being honest about this grim period of this life? Perhaps he learned that just putting it behind him and not talking about it with partners was the only way for him to truly move on and leave it in his past?

[Buckinbronco]

This is more extreme, however years ago I Watched a documentary called "we need to talk about dad". Normal family, happy, healthy. One day the father had called the mother out to the garden and attacked her with a claw hammer, almost killing her. Children saw it. He left her for dead. Had a total mental breakdown.
He went to prison for a few years- no long as it was fully accepted that the sudden mental breakdown was responsible. She divorced him.

The children were now teenagers. Full contact with their father and mother and father had a decent relationship.

The documentary was their Journey of trying to talk to him about it. He had refused to do so, saying there was nothing to say. He was very ill, did something very bad and he was very sorry. End of. They wanted answers, he had none that would satisfy them.

I told my own father about this. Before I'd even finished he said "he's told them he has nothing to say. What do they want him
To do?" I wonder how common that attitude is (amongst males particularly?)

Your situation reminds me of this. You want answers. He has none. Can you learn to get over that? You can't force him into answers, you can only decide whether you stay or go.

[123therearenomoreusernames]

I think you have had a shock and you are in shock. I think you probably both need counselling together.

When I was younger I was held up in a violent armed robbery. Not my fault. I had post traumatic stress disorder and counselling. Dh knows mostly because we were already married. I am okish with it now but if Dh wanted to sit down and talk about it and dig it all up I would not be keen at all.

I think what happened to him traumatised him to an extent that he can't really cope with it and asking him to talk about it is probably very scary for him. To find someone dead at 22 and then to be interviewed by the police and accused of having some thing to do with it must have been extremely traumatic.

[reader77]

I don't think you've overreacted at all.

It's different if you know about something so serious but choose to go into relationship with your eyes open.

I think he was very unfair to you, not telling you.

[icanteven]

I agree with what OurBlanche said above:

"saying he understands my shock but does he really?

Of course he does... he lived that past, the one that hearing about shocks you.

You have every right to reassess your reltaionship but he also has every right to have made a new start and consigned that to his past.

he doesn't want to sit with me and go through every gorey detail of his addiction. Of course he doesn't. His past life and mistakes are not some gore fest to titillate. They are his issues to deal with. Which is why he is calm, detached, impersonal. If he was not he would not be a fully functioning adult, the man you fell in love with.

You say you shut down for 3 weeks on hearing about it. He probably took a lot longer having lived through it all. His current feelings/attitude are his coping mechanism. You cannot question that, it is his right to deal with it as he sees fit.

You can question whether or not you wish to remain with him. Sadly you now have to consider the for worse element of marriage vows. Whatver you decision you will not be wrong... you will be doing that is right for you... just as he did all those years ago."

I think that expecting him to go into the lurid details of it all is very unreasonable - his own mental health after it happened has depended on compartmentalising it. Would you prefer that he lay awake every night raking over it all over and over and over again? He would have been driven mad years ago.

I think that some joint counselling would be helpful. It sounds like you have had a lovely relationship up until now, and that IS who he is! He is keenly aware of the past, and won't even drink now because of it. He should have told you sooner, so that you didn't have this shock so late in the day, and could have made a decision at the start of your relationship, but he didn't and together you need to work out what the best solution is now. Certainly him going into every tiny detail of what went on is NOT a solution. That's just masochistic at this point.

You can't make your decision based on strangers on the internet, but I think that you should explore counselling, singly or together, to help you work through this together and save your relationship.

[icanteven]

God, that was really long. Sorry.

[Mamaka]

I've read both your threads and I do feel for you.

I also have a past that involves drugs and horrific behaviour on my part. My ex bf was a dealer. We had a friend die in dodgy circumstances and we knew a guy accused of murder. I have never revealed any of this to my conservative husband because if I did I fear that he wouldn't be able to get past it. He certainly wouldn't understand it.
I have moved on from the people I knew back then but if one of them decided to tell my husband I would be mortified and very angry at that person. I would also try to calmly and briefly explain then insist on moving on. I wouldn't want it hashed over by somebody who has no idea about how one might end up in that situation.

What matters is how he lives his life now. You said he doesn't drink, I think this is a good indicator that he is aware of the dangers of slipping into addictive behaviour and is on top of it. How does he treat people? How is he with money?
I would imagine he doesn't want you to seek support because he is ashamed and doesn't want others judging him. Maybe your/his social circle are made up of people who wouldn't understand. I also wouldn't want my dh telling our friends about my past should he find out. Because it's none of anybody's bloody business!!!

A good counsellor might be able to help you get past this and at least is impartial and not somebody your dh would have to deal with afterwards.

Good luck

[spankhurst]

I also believe that people can change. Your DH has never hit you (?) and doesn't drink. I think he should have been upfront with you, but I suspect he sees that drunk addicted boy as 'another person'. I would forgive him but think counselling is a good move for both of you.

[TaintForTheLikesOfWe]

I dipped into your other thread and have read a fair bit of this one. I think in your shoes there is one detail that would stand out for me and that is the fact that he doesn't even drink now. He has made such an effort to change that he doesn't even chuffing drink! I have done some pretty scuzzy things in the past and I think I admire your DH tbh. Some personalities have to hit rock bottom before they can change. Perhaps your DH is one of that type. If he is perfect in every other way, I am among those that would be able to move on from this but.....
...do you worry or think there may be more to it OP? Is that where your fears lie? Do you actually think he was involved in her death or that he DID rape her? Try and analyse your thoughts as to where your inability to process this is actually coming from. Only you know him as well as a wife can. Is it that you think actually he is hiding stuff and that is why he is unprepared to discuss it. Obviously if that is the case, no wonder you can't move on.

[SpiritedLondon]

Fucking hell are people insane! Seriously OP if I found out about this I would be out the door and not because I've lived a sheltered upbringing but because I've been exposed to this type of person and this type of situation a lot ( through my work). I don't actually know where to start because I'm astounded at how casual some people are about his past - this wasn't just some high jinks..... Someone died FFS! What do you think the police were questioning him so intensively about? They presumably suspected him of supplying her with the drugs that killed her ( or worse). Crack addiction is not like smoking a bit of weed or having coke on a night out it is all consuming and destructive. You can always tell where a crack house is because the mini crime wave and violence that eminates from them. We see that already with his violence towards his girlfriend and his acceptance of her prostituting herself ( did she work on the street OP? Imagine who pays for sex in those situations? Was she funding his habit? Have you both been tested for STI's?). I could go on but I think you get the point. Fair play to him for turning his life around but this was information that he should have discussed with you prior to getting married. ( somewhere between the first date and getting to the altar) in the same way I would expect full disclosure from an alcoholic or gambler. Sorry OP but he thinks he can run away and not have to think about the nasty stuff but he was potentially the nasty stuff.

[Mamaka]

Also I think everyone is entitled to some privacy - even from their spouse.

[hazelisours]

Thank goodness he trusts you enough to finally start opening up. That's amazing. Be gentle with each other and deal with the man you have NOW.

Everyone has a past but he's clearly trying to make his future better with you. I also recommend counselling to help you cope with some of the more shocking bits. You'll get there - good luck xxxx

[mummymalta]

TaintForTheLikesOfWe A sip at our wedding and refused to drink another drop. He always said you wouldn't ask a vegan to eat meat so don't ask/pester someone who doesn't drink to do so. I understood and liked the analogy. Never thought to question why he doesn't drink etc. He just said "it's not my thing"

[mummymalta]

Mamaka I'm torn between that notion and "isn't this too big to omit?"

[bakeoffcake]

Why don't you go and get some counselling?

[WannaBe]

The minimising of drug use violence and crime on here is shocking beyond words.

Seriously, it was his past so any issue the OP has with it is her's? Really?

Somehow I suspect that if the man had revealed he'd cheated on an ex once ten years ago the responses would be that he was untrustworthy and she should ltb before he did it to her. Yet the bloke was a Coke and heroin addict who beat up his girlfriend when she refused to give him crack, she accused him of rape and he later found her dead and this is all just past stuff to be forgotten and let's not forget the poor traumatised lamb who just wants to put it all behind him? Riiiiight.

The man is a violent drug addict who would have stopped at nothing to get his next fix. He showed no remorse for what he had done, no feelings towards the girl who had died or the fact that he'd beat her to a pulp because she wouldn't give him crack. If the man had been arrested for his crimes he wouldn't be able to plead for a lighter sentence because "it was the drugs your honour." It doesn't matter whether he hasn't done this stuff for ten years, the fact is he did, and takes no responsibility for it.

The OP married a lie. The man she married isn't the man he is. The only reason he isn't beating up the OP is because he's staying off the drugs and alcohol. But y'know, just one party, just one fix, just one line of Coke one day and all that could change.

I would be gone like a shot. A

[StealthPolarBear]

Wannabe I ofye

[StealthPolarBear]

Sorry
I often disagree with you but I agree with every word of that post

[mummymalta]

SpiritedLondon My Gynaecologist always throws one in whenever I see her. I probably get tested once a year. I've got nothing.

[Jajah]

I do think some people aren't really imagining the full emotional impact this could have. How could we after all. I could well see it ending a relationship because as the op says, she's married someone she doesn't really know, who isn't responding to her needs in getting over it.

In terms of drinking- well I don't drink and couldn't care less about it, so I can't say "Incredible! He's given up alcohol!" But if that was an effort for him then why couldn't he one day potentially relapse? Living with an alcoholic (even a dry one) brings issues. And if it wasn't an effort, then it's definitely not The Sign about his amazing about-about.

Not condemning the guy and as I said in previous post, only counselling IRL can help, but I wouldn't be saying "no problem, he's totally changed forever!" Because I don't think people do underneath it all.

Assuming I'm completely wrong and that he has "changed" fundamentally as a person, then who did he change from, and is the op ok being married to that underlying person who could turn up again in times of hardship or stress or alcohol?

[mummymalta]

WannaBe Really? That's like saying there is no redemption after addiction? Can't he turn his life around? Doesn't drug use make you say things you'd never say, betray people you never would and stoop to lows you'd never stoop to?

[mummymalta]

bakeoffcake He doesn't want to go

[Mamaka]

There's no denying that it is a very big thing to omit. But I understand exactly why the gravity of it has made him omit it.

Where are you up to now with it? Are you still talking about it? How is he acting?

[cdtaylornats]

The OP married the man he is, she didn't know the man he was. Nor need she.

OP had he disclosed this too you before the wedding would you have gone ahead? Frankly your insistence that you want every gory detail strikes me as voyeurism. Is it a bit exiting knowing your DH has a dark past?

[Cheapthrills]

Totally agree wannabe. If he had had an affair in a previous life he would be a cheating scumbag forever but after being a violent junkie he must be reformed as he doesn't drink any more and can't face talking about it . Don't get that mentality.