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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My husband has just told me he doesn't want children. I am distraught.

190 replies

RaarSaidTheLion · 01/06/2016 21:05

When we met, we had the discussion about wanting kids or not. He said he could go either way. We TTC briefly when we first moved in together, then buying a house and organising a wedding kind of meant it got sidelined for a bit.

After that he noticeably cooled on the idea, then over the last 6 months we have spoken about it and he has been more keen. Now today he has said he definitely doesn't want kids. I have never felt more hurt or distraught in my life. I love him very much and don't want to leave him, even if I did I am running out of time.

I can't stop crying.

OP posts:
Terramirabilis · 01/06/2016 21:13

Firstly, I am so sorry! This is a very distressing situation for you - I have been there. I was fortunate to not be married to him though.

It sounds from your description as though he may not have been upfront about his real feelings about having kids. He thought he didn't want to upset you by giving you an outright no, so he played for time. Now that he has to make a decision because otherwise it would be time to go ahead and TTC, he's forced to admit the truth. If my hunch is right, he's been a coward. Even if I'm wrong, the whys and wherefores of how he got to this decision and whether he did at times think he wanted kids don't really matter. The fact is, he's been clear with you now. What will you do about it?

My situation was some years ago now. I broke up with him and went travelling. Ending up living in another country and am now married with one DS. For me, leaving was entirely the right decision and put me on the path to finding my DH and having my DS. My feeling was that having or not having children is not something I could compromise on and obviously there's no middle ground available. This may or may not be the case for you. I suppose the question to ask yourself is:

Do you love him enough to live with him for the rest of your life without children and with knowing that he is the reason you didn't have them?

If the answer is no, there's really only one solution.

Original poster
RaarSaidTheLion · 01/06/2016 21:17

Now he's banging round in the kitchen, telling me to stop giving him such a hard time because I am crying.

OP posts:
Chatarunga · 01/06/2016 21:18

He knew that you couldn't go 'either way' though.

He knew you wanted children. He married you knowing that that you wanted dc, and now he's back tracking?

It seems strange. To marry somebody knowing that you don't want dc?

I'd wonder if it's a way out of the marriage. Like, he believes this is easier than saying he doesn't want to be married any more. Prompting you to leave him.

Original poster
RaarSaidTheLion · 01/06/2016 21:18

I'm forty now, I don't have time to meet someone else.

He's just thrown a bottle of water out of the kitchen across the hall.

OP posts:
NeedACleverNN · 01/06/2016 21:19

He's getting quite aggressive now by the sound of things....

Have you got somewhere you can go whilst you digest all this information and think long and hard about it?

Original poster
RaarSaidTheLion · 01/06/2016 21:20

I asked him if he wanted us to split up, and he said no, he wants us to stay together. I believe him on that.

OP posts:
Original poster
RaarSaidTheLion · 01/06/2016 21:21

I wish I did NeedA. We've not long moved to a new city and I have no friends or family here to go to.

OP posts:
Terramirabilis · 01/06/2016 21:21

He doesn't want you trying because it activates his guilty conscience. He wants to minimize the significance of this because it would imply he hasn't really done anything wrong.

There's nothing wrong with crying. You've had a big shock and some devastating news. Your reaction is normal.

Terramirabilis · 01/06/2016 21:21

*crying

JonesTheSteam · 01/06/2016 21:22

So sorry Raar.

Is banging around the kitchen and throwing stuff around normal behaviour for him?

AddToBasket · 01/06/2016 21:23

It isn't his choice whether or not you stay together. Ask him to leave. Keep your dignity.

If you aren't going to have kids, then fine, you'll deal with that. But it will be too hard to live the rest of your life with the man that stopped you.

Original poster
RaarSaidTheLion · 01/06/2016 21:23

Thank you Terra. I think he realises he's just broken my heart and he doesn't want to feel that.

He's gone out to put the rubbish out now.

OP posts:
JonesTheSteam · 01/06/2016 21:23

Your reaction is completely understandable btw...

NeedACleverNN · 01/06/2016 21:23

Can you afford a hotel for a night?

If my dh suddenly sprung that on me I would devastated. I would actually think long and hard whether I could have a happy future with no children

WellErrr · 01/06/2016 21:24

What a twat.

How dare he commandeer years of your life on a lie. I'm fuming on your behalf OP.

Northernlurker · 01/06/2016 21:25

If you can afford it leave now and go to a hotel for the night. You could do with the space and he's behaved very badly imo and he won't hurt him to recognise the consequences.

honeyandmarmitesandwiches · 01/06/2016 21:26

Oh OP, I'm so sorry, what a huge blow for you. It's no wonder you're crying, your DH sounds as if he's being horrible.
How did you get into a situation where you married him not knowing for sure you were on the same page re children? I'm sorry if that sounds accusing, I really don't mean it like that. It sounds very difficult Sad

mamas12 · 01/06/2016 21:26

Do not try to stop your reaction
It is a perfectly proper reaction to some pretty devastating news
How the hell did he think you would react? Say oh ok darling ffs
Howl and wail away, he has to be prepared for the consequence.
If you could go to a friends for the night I would just go.

Original poster
RaarSaidTheLion · 01/06/2016 21:26

Yes it is Jones, he stomps around when he is in a bad mood.

I know Add. I think I just don't want to deal with knowing my marriage is over until I have processed the fact I won't have kids. That feeling of loss is just so overwhelming right now. I did ask him to go out/leave me alone for a bit, but he refused, although he has gone out now.

OP posts:
NeedACleverNN · 01/06/2016 21:28

Just remember this. There are options if you DO want to finish your marriage and go about children.

You could meet someone new. Your fertility days are not entirely over at 40.

You could look at sperm donation if you feel confident you could manage single parenting.

Jackie0 · 01/06/2016 21:29

What a cruel way for him to behave , to not even allow you to cry?
Is this him sensible and sober?
If he had had a couple of drinks and reacted like this I might say the build up of telling you his decision had made him a bit irrational . Sorry I'm clutching at straws , but it just seems so heartless of him to be angry .

Original poster
RaarSaidTheLion · 01/06/2016 21:30

I am seriously considering the hotel Northern and Need.

He said he could go either way Honey and that he wouldn't have the heart to deny me kids if I wanted them.

Thank you WellErr

OP posts:
RomComPhooey · 01/06/2016 21:30

I don't think there's any way you can come back from this. Gentle hugs and Flowers And howl away. Who cares how it makes him feel.

WellErrr · 01/06/2016 21:31

There you go then.

He's in a bad mood.

He's not distraught that he's hurt you and trying to make it better - he's stomping around because he's pissed off at you crying.

There's a massive difference.

And what he's done is essentially defraud you into marriage. It's shit.

Don't throw away your chance to have children over someone who thinks its ok to treat you like this.

SavoyCabbage · 01/06/2016 21:32

How awful. I'm so sorry. I can't imagine what I'd do but I don't think it would be carrying on as before. You are going to be living a completely different life from,the one you thought you were going to be living.