Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

My husband has just told me he doesn't want children. I am distraught.

190 replies

RaarSaidTheLion · 01/06/2016 21:05

When we met, we had the discussion about wanting kids or not. He said he could go either way. We TTC briefly when we first moved in together, then buying a house and organising a wedding kind of meant it got sidelined for a bit.

After that he noticeably cooled on the idea, then over the last 6 months we have spoken about it and he has been more keen. Now today he has said he definitely doesn't want kids. I have never felt more hurt or distraught in my life. I love him very much and don't want to leave him, even if I did I am running out of time.

I can't stop crying.

OP posts:
kinkytoes · 01/06/2016 22:24

Oh God, what an arsehole.

Sometimes it's a bloody shame it takes two people to make a baby.

Iflyaway · 01/06/2016 22:26

He doesn't like it if I am anything but totally happy, he says it makes him feel like a failure.

Sounds like he still has an awful lot of growing up to do.

Please don't have a child with this man because he will project all his problems onto the child (while still blaming you for it all too).

If I were you I would go for counselling without him....

Jemmima · 01/06/2016 22:30

Since he has already blown hot and cold with the idea a couple of times maybe he will change his mind again soon. Could he just be panicking for some reason.

NeedACleverNN · 01/06/2016 22:31

Yes, I bet he will suddenly say "no don't leave me. I love you. Look maybe in 6 months time I might be ready for a baby but not now"

Don't listen to it as he is just trying to stall it

LowAMH · 01/06/2016 22:34

Get a fertility MOT done ASAP would be my advice as others have said. Then you will have more information to work with. You may still have a chance for children if you act very quickly. I think your dh has been so selfish. How old were you when you met and married?

upthegardenpath · 01/06/2016 22:34

I didn't want to read and run raar, without adding my bit:

I met my now DH 12 odd years ago.
At teatime, we were both mid 30s. Once we'd dated a few weeks and things were looking more serious, but before we started living together, he had already given off the odd comment along the lines of "Oh, I don't want kids really". I hadn't questioned him particularly, as things were still in their infancy.
As soon as we started getting serious, however, I did ask him. I told him that even though I was only 33/34 and was at a high point in my career etc and very happy with him and my life, I was certain I wanted a child one day. It wasn't the be all and end all, but I didnt want to be denied this chance. I explained it exactly like that. He was quite taken aback, especially when I said "Look, if you know that you categorically never want to become a father, then I'll respect that. But I'll also have to part company with you, much as it would sadden me".
He had a good long think, over a few days, then told me that he realised he was being selfish (I didn't think he was, for the record - not every man or woman is destined to become a parent and I'm fine with that) and that he wouldn't mind being a dad one day. He realised, I think, that we were at a stage he had ever been at with anyone before. We both realised that it was make or break and he understood he only felt differently about having kids with me, because of having met me. He'd never met anyone before whom he could have imagined having kids with.

It was a key turning point though OP - had he stuck to his guns, I would have walked away. We have now been married 10 years and have a lovely DC. he is the best dad in the world and sometimes pokes fun a himself for having thought he's never want a child.

It may be that your husband is genuinely not the father type though, in any way, shape or form. Possibly, he may have given you the impression he was ok with the idea, because he loves you and wanted to be with you.

It's not a decision that can be made my one person alone - nor can it be done by halves.
I'm afraid that if he really is meaning what he says, the it is ultimatum time. You are that much further down the road than I was, when I gave my DH his ultimatum. but yours needs the wake up call and putting that off won't help either of you.

Good luck [flowers}

upthegardenpath · 01/06/2016 22:35

*at the time - not bloody teatime Angry

expatinscotland · 01/06/2016 22:35

'Yes, I bet he will suddenly say "no don't leave me. I love you. Look maybe in 6 months time I might be ready for a baby but not now"'

This. Don't fall for it. NO more stalling.

Alicadabra · 01/06/2016 22:38

Oh Raar, how awful for you. I remember the heartbreak of realising in my 20s that my long term boyfriend was serious about not wanting kids. I adored him and we were very happy together, but at that moment I knew it was the beginning of the end. To hear this from your husband must be a thousand times worse.

All I can suggest is what others have already said: take whatever time and distance you need to get your head straight. Be absolutely clear about whether or not this is a deal breaker for you, and then tell him how you feel. You are allowed to be angry - at best he has seriously misled you; at worst, he's willfully tricked you into marriage knowing that he wasn't prepared to give you the family you want.

Good luck. And [hugs].

nicolasixx · 01/06/2016 22:39

He sounds aggressive and controlling OP. Leave him and look into donation. I know a lovely lady who had a much longed-for baby this way and she is much older than you - and now incredibly happy.

AddToBasket · 01/06/2016 22:42

I beg you DO NOT BEG HIM. Take him at his word.

Head high. Wanting children is nothing to be ashamed of. Crying is nothing to be ashamed of. (Being mean to someone crying IS something to be ashamed of.)

Big hug! This happened to me, although I wasn't married. Ex-P just said no kids shortly after we'd moved into a new house. I had to leave and he was almost sadistically unpleasant to me about it all. I met someone else and had kids. THEN he cried, a lot. Too late. Shame.

Valentine2 · 01/06/2016 22:50

What.a.fucking.twat! How much time did he waste ? You need no more discussion and deliberation with this selfish arse. LTB

NameChange30 · 01/06/2016 22:50

He sounds awful. At best, he is a selfish, self-centred, unsupportive man. At worst, he is emotionally abusive.

I imagine you must feel devastated to be told (only now) that he doesn't want children, but I actually think you've dodged a bullet. He would be a terrible father.

Please look into sperm donation. Don't let this twat delay you any longer in becoming a mother.

Flowers
HeartsTrumpDiamonds · 01/06/2016 22:52

So sorry OP. Don't give up your chance to have children for this man child. Listen to your heart.

NameChange30 · 01/06/2016 22:53

AddToBasket
"This happened to me, although I wasn't married. Ex-P just said no kids shortly after we'd moved into a new house. I had to leave and he was almost sadistically unpleasant to me about it all. I met someone else and had kids. THEN he cried, a lot. Too late. Shame."
Ha, good for you! I'm so glad it worked out for you and not for your ex.

endlesslynamechanging · 01/06/2016 22:55

Name changed to reply to this....

You have my deepest sympathy OP, it is a huge blow, and reveals something unknown about the man you thought you loved, which is always hard. Think very carefully about what YOU want. He has stepped away from you, you must now only think of yourself. If you think he might change his mind if you say you're leaving, please bear in mind what another poster said:

Bottom line is you cannot bring a child into the world with a resentful, unwilling father. Even if he relents in order to keep you, it would not bode well for creating a true family, nor would it be fair to the kid.

I was in a very similar situation with my XH. He knew before we married that I really wanted children, and he'd said he never imagined himself as a parent, but was sure he'd be delighted if one came along.

Like you, we TTC in the early days, nothing happened, so we went for tests and discovered we'd need IVF. Even then it was a long shot, they said. He agreed to do it when the time was right, but somehow it never was. Moving house, financial position, all the excuses that I didn't pick up on until suddenly I was 39, the then cut-off age for treatment. So we went through with it, him complaining all along about the indignity of it; he wouldn't even read the T&Cs, but never once said he didn't want to go ahead.

After the process was complete, he finally admitted that he didn't want children - he'd been stalling (until I was too old). When I asked why he hadn't said anything he said it was because he thought I'd leave him. He had just played along so that he got the wife he wanted, without any desire for wife to get the family she wanted. He'd only done the IVF as they gave us such a low chance of success (6%). It really floored me. But I resigned myself to the fact that if we couldn't conceive anyway then it didn't matter, but it did. I couldn't feel the same way about him knowing that he had strung me along like that.

As it turned out, the IVF worked first time. I was scared to tell XH as I knew he'd be furious, and he was. He was even more furious when it turned out to be twins, and told me I'd fucked up his life and tried to get me to abort one of them. Kind of killed the marriage before they children were even born. Obviously I stayed, as I hadn't set out to be a single parent to twins, but it was miserable. Every time he got angry about the way his lifestyle was disrupted I'd apologise and he'd say he'd been railroaded into it and had no choice etc. etc. Took me 9 years to grow a backbone and LTB, but now me and my DC are the happiest we've ever been.

Sorry to take over your thread, OP. I think reading your post just brought it all back and I had to vent about it. Not every man is like this, but bear in mind some will say anything to get their way, even if they don't mean it.

yespeeps · 01/06/2016 22:58

you can get a free basic fertility test from your GP which will tell you about 3 aspects of your facility
a private clinic can do you a more advanced one
women's fertility generally nosedives after 35 (sorry if you're hearing that for the first time, really sorry but I need to type fast, in the middle of something) but the more money you've got the more fertility treatment you can pay for, if needs be, who knows, the GP might be able to tell you you're really fertile
I had IUI and IVF as a single person to have my daughter. Men can wait, ovaries can't I'm afraid. His behaviour, both in changing his mind about kids and in being violent in front of you, is disgusting and no one deserves that. OP I really don't want to be negative but I wouldn't want to have kids with someone so immature and who is violent and intimidating, how do you know he wouldn't behave like that to the kids? Sorry again, i'm not trying to have a go, just trying to save heartache in the long run.

SloppyDailyMailJournalism · 01/06/2016 23:06

Oh OP. I'd be tempted to go it alone too - I think you could hate him now, if not.

Greenyogagirl · 01/06/2016 23:17

Could go either way. Cooled on the idea. Seemed keen. Definitely doesn't.
Tomorrow he might want triplets!

In seriousness though I really feel for you. What's happened to make it a definite no for him right now?

HowBadIsThisPlease · 01/06/2016 23:17

I think you need to talk to a pro asap about your options. you have to get your feelings straight about

  • leaving your H, or not
  • attempting to have children, or not
  • where you live, and whether you stay there

I think it would really help you to go through all this with a pro because you are going to make some decisions now that you will live with for the rest of your life.

I think you are sad and furious (with good reason) but I think to make good decisions you will have to focus on being constructive. You will have to try to imagine yourself into a place where you are not driven by rage and imagine what you want your life to look like. and think about what to do to get it like that.

I am splitting with my P right now and one of the things that has finally made it possible (after hanging out on the ledge and nearly jumping several times for years) is that I am not doing it out of spite, to punish him. I am doing it in order to be happy without him.

It's subtle because it looks the same - we are separating. but it isn't the same.

You need to get to a good decision making place fast, and i think it may be best for you to have help.

I wish you all the luck in the world Flowers FlowersFlowersFlowers

annandale · 01/06/2016 23:17

I married a man who didn't want children. Completely different from your situation as he was (fairly) honest from the start - I was just a bit of an idiot and unaware how strong my wish to have children was. It was all very painful at the time, but though I can guarantee you that life will not be easy whichever path you go down, I still over 15 years later sometimes wake up just so happy not to be married to him any more! TBH this would be the case even if I hadn't managed to find another partner and have a child. I believe you may end up feeling the same... being married to someone who, at best, doens't know themselves at all, or at worst just lies to get what they want, is no picnic.

BoatyMcBoat · 01/06/2016 23:20

If you don't want children then the time is never right. If you do, the best time to start trying is usually 'now'.

So sorry you're going through this. You do still have a chance, it's not too late, but you need to sort your life out first. Good luck.

bumbleclat · 02/06/2016 06:19

Thats terrible for you OP.
I had a very frank chat with my now DH about a year in to our rl, saying that if he didn't want that then I would have to move on, I was releived to hear him say that he wouldn't mind not having children but he would want my children if it was a deal breaker for me.
Your DH has basically gone back on what he initially said.
If I was you Id leave him and start anew before time runs out.
Im so sorry he's such an arse you're going through this.

corythatwas · 02/06/2016 09:31

RaarSaidTheLion Wed 01-Jun-16 21:35:29

"You're right WellErr. Anytime I am upset or worried about something, he rarely consols or comforts or supports me. He just gets upset/angry/scared himself, then I have to look after him."

Is this the man you want to grow old and frail with? Can you manage a whole life without ever being allowed to be ill or weak or down?

And that's before we've even got to the child question.

HormonalHeap · 02/06/2016 09:45

If you do go with sperm donation, doesn't mean you are destined to be a single mother for life. You would be buying yourself time to meet the right person, possibly with kids of his own to make a family unit. All is not lost- there's always a way x