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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My husband has just told me he doesn't want children. I am distraught.

190 replies

RaarSaidTheLion · 01/06/2016 21:05

When we met, we had the discussion about wanting kids or not. He said he could go either way. We TTC briefly when we first moved in together, then buying a house and organising a wedding kind of meant it got sidelined for a bit.

After that he noticeably cooled on the idea, then over the last 6 months we have spoken about it and he has been more keen. Now today he has said he definitely doesn't want kids. I have never felt more hurt or distraught in my life. I love him very much and don't want to leave him, even if I did I am running out of time.

I can't stop crying.

OP posts:
LumpySpacedPrincess · 01/06/2016 21:51

It doesn't sound like he has the qualities that make a good life partner. You really don't want to end up regretting how your life pans out because you always have to accommodate his needs.

With or without kids you would achieve more without Mr. Selfish.

expatinscotland · 01/06/2016 21:53

Don't engage with his strop. Do you have a spare room to sleep in?

TheVillageTaxpayer · 01/06/2016 21:53

Well, it sounds as though he should have been more honest about his true intentions. Though people do waffle and change their minds on this topic as they age.

Bottom line is you cannot bring a child into the world with a resentful, unwilling father. Even if he relents in order to keep you, it would not bode well for creating a true family, nor would it be fair to the kid.

At your age perhaps it would be best to split, use an anonymous sperm donor and otherwise take charge rather than involve him. It's too bad but we can't have everything in life and if you want a child more than you want this particular relationship, you should go for it. Very few people get both, if that's any consolation. Look around.

sizeofalentil · 01/06/2016 21:53

Could you persuade him to talk this through with a third party or a counsellor? Just in case he is scared of something/has a fear of failure/has job or money worries that has made him feel this way.

I hope this is just a blip and he is just being an arse because he is feeling scared xx

starry0ne · 01/06/2016 21:54

I think going away for the weekend is a good plan..Talk things through with your friends.

I think the bit that concerns me is how you have too look after him when he upsets you..

I think time away will help you consider what you want not him.

WankStainWasher · 01/06/2016 21:58

Oh dear, I'm sorry you're going through this OP. I hate to say it, and I think you know this, but you already have a child. Even if you did have a baby with this man, you would not be happy because you would have a spoiled, petulant older child making your life a misery instead of an adult father and parenting partner. Take some time for yourself, breathe, BE SELFISH. You seem like a smart lady, you'll figure out what's best for you. Just know you're not alone. This is all too common I'm afraid.

neonrainbow · 01/06/2016 21:59

I think you should consider leaving him and using a sperm donor. You cant waste any more time with him. He sounds awful.

Chatarunga · 01/06/2016 21:59

Wow, he told you this when you are forty years old.

He is an arsehole.

Original poster
RaarSaidTheLion · 01/06/2016 22:00

I think this is the end. I am really sad. I have such a sore head and I feel sick. I can't even cry now.

OP posts:
ohtheholidays · 01/06/2016 22:01

Please don't think it's to late OP,your 40?There are women alot older than you having children OP,don't write yourself or that part of your life of,if it's something you really want then you should fulfill that wish if you can.

I agree with what others have said about your husband as well,I would leave,chucking things,stomping about,having ago at you none of that is good and speaking as someone who had 2DC with a very selfish man it never works out well.I split up with him,11 years later I re married and I have 5DC now,he's the complete opposite to my ex husband.

Before you let him know though OP make sure you get all your finances in place.

Chatarunga · 01/06/2016 22:03

I agree with the others.

TRY and put the heart ache aside and go to the gp to research sperm donation and hormone levels.

Knowing that you tried to have a baby will either lead to having a baby, or lead to knowing that at least you properly tried.

Brew

It really beggars belief that he told you this at forty..

expatinscotland · 01/06/2016 22:03

You look after yourself. Never mind him. (((((()))))). I've been there, although I was 30. He wasn't an arse, though. He just didn't want children. Ever.

SaigonSaigon · 01/06/2016 22:04

I am so sorry OP. I think unless you could consider sitting down with your husband and talking this all through in depth, then make a list of practical things you can do to keep going and focused. Such as Doctor visit to discuss fertility and options, talking to a solicitor about divorce, etc. It will help you keep strong by being in control. Good luck. I'm sure you'll be fine.

Northernlurker · 01/06/2016 22:05

Selfish bastard.

Get rid and go with sperm donation so you have your baby. I know somebody who used a Danish clinic. I hear good things about them and she has the most beautiful child as a result.

Leave the selfish arse to stew in his own juice.

NeedACleverNN · 01/06/2016 22:05

I've been in that state OP.

Go and take the strongest painkillers you have in the house and run yourself a nice hot bath. If you have candles light them instead of turning on the lights. Tie your hair up so you haven't got to faff about with hair washing.

Then go and get yourself off to bed

Lovedaya · 01/06/2016 22:06

Okay, you are not too old to have children at 40, secondly the world is full of men who just like you want children. Its not his decision its your decision do you love him enough to give up having a child. If not and you stay with him you will end up bitter and angry never forgiving him. Anybody who does not give you a straight answer, automatically assume the answer is no.
We have all at sometime in our lives been with somebody like this we so want to be with them we shut our eyes to what we know is the truth. You need now to imagine 10 years into the future with this man....will it be enough?
The alternative....I might not meet another man.....rubbish I am still meeting them at 75.
He will not be as clever, rich, goodlooking etc..., again rubbish.
You need to talk, maybe consider going to marriage guidance or counsellor.
If he says he did not say yes neither did he say no.
Why is he so frightened, jealous not wanting to share, if you cannot discuss thing openly between you then you do need help...both of you

bigbuttons · 01/06/2016 22:10

God, this is so awful for you. What a wicked man. My heart goes out to you op xx

AndYourBirdCanSing · 01/06/2016 22:12

I would leave him as well and look into sperm donation. Seriously, do not let this selfish tosser stop you from having a child.

Topseyt · 01/06/2016 22:13

He is a total arsewipe.

He has strung you along, then blown your dreams out of the water and become aggressive when you were upset about it.

Very poor behaviour from him. Selfish and showing a complete lack of empathy or respect for you.

expatinscotland · 01/06/2016 22:13

You're going to be allright, luv, I promise you. You're not alone. You're not too old to have kids, either.

Liiinooo · 01/06/2016 22:13

My DD and I talked about babies a lot before we got married. I wanted three, he wanted four. About 2 years after our second was born he changed his mind. He didn't want any more. After months of arguments, tears, counselling etc I gave in and he had a vasectomy. It was only the thought of seperating my DDs from their dad that kept us together. 20 years on and we are settled and happy but there is no doubt It permanently changed and scarred our marriage. We no longer have a sex life and I lost several years grieving the children I couldn't have.

If it could effect me so deeply and I was already blessed with two lovely daughters I cannot imagine the impact it might have on you. And for him to be blaming you for crying. Words fail me. Good luck with the very difficult choices you now have.

PS. Forty is obviously a worrying age for fertility but all isn't lost. The traditional path isn't the only path and my DS had her son at 43 Xx

TheVillageTaxpayer · 01/06/2016 22:14

I can think of about six women friends offhand who conceived naturally in their 40s; one of them a first-time mother at age 45. Couple of others were not even trying. All had healthy, happy babies. So don't lose hope, OP. If you go sperm donation route or meet another partner in the next couple of years you still can get your wish.

tribpot · 01/06/2016 22:16

He doesn't like it if I am anything but totally happy, he says it makes him feel like a failure.

This is not right. I have a feeling if you say the marriage is over he will appear to have changed his mind / be prepared to consider it in a year or something - I think you have to assume that what he has said today is his true intention. Frankly his behaviour and his clear need to make everything All About Him suggests this would be a disastrous person to have a child with. You have other options.

RaeSkywalker · 01/06/2016 22:17

Thinking of you OP. Don't let him silence or rush you, take some time to think. You have options, it's not too late.

Catvsworld · 01/06/2016 22:21

Agreed run run now

I knew a lady who did this stayed with Somone who didn't want children she got pregnant on purpose no less he then convinced her to havea termanation she suffered complications now cannot have children and guess what

He left her for a women and has 3 kids with her my friend has had to have councilling and has never got over it